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What really pisses me off is that my ex continuously tries to screw me over…

He is incapable of doing the right thing that HE agreed to do!!

Instead of just doing what he was suppose to do back in May 2023 and only owe me 8k…. Now he owes me 18k plus attorney fees which comes out to a lil over 20k!!

The fucking dumbass doesn’t have a job and took most of the money out of the Roth IRA which carries penalties!

Not to mention that he hid stocks from me which is money I will never see and I don’t know how much it is.

The current account only has 9k in it so he will have to come up with over 10k in cash to give me.

As facts some to light regarding to the money my ex stole from me… this is all I think about now… I have no concept of the rest of this week or even the weekend ( and that is that I’m suppose to host a Bridgerton watch party..)

I just want be free from this…

It’s sometimes so frustrating that people in my life can’t relate to the abuse I went thru in my marriage.. so much of it was sinister and parts of it I don’t share for that reason bc even if I did, sometimes I feel like the impact of it is so great bt isn’t seen by them.

Like I worked my ass off for years to heal but it doesn’t mean that the scars all of that leaves behind don’t hurt

My therapist mentioned that I lost my innocence within my narc abusive marriage and that hit hard

Some of the wrap up from therapy…

Being angry is normal and natural in this situation

His faulty logic is just his narc side showing

I can choose how much or little I want to share with my partner

I have therapy in one hour, so I need to drop down some things to talk about…

- For sure, talking about how my ex-husband continues to lie and manipulate. The ongoing legal mess into makes a really angry. I don’t know what to do with that. I hate how there is still unresolved issues. They’re just too many feelings with this as well. One side of this is reassuring that I did the right thing by divorcing him because he hasn’t changed and probably will never change. Another side of it is how incredibly frustrating. It is for him to continue to lie. Turns out he does have money and he doesn’t need to live off of the Roth IRA account. Even if he was bro, that money is still mine him dragging his feet to give me a rightfully mine. It’s so infuriated. I know why the feelings are probably because of the abuse I endured over the years. It’s him thinking that he can just take what he wants without any consequences. Even the thought of him getting away with one more things Angers me.

I really never get angry, so it’s a very unsettling feelings to have inside my body.

From all of this, I feel like I’m scrutinizing my current partner. I think I’m so afraid of choosing wrong a second time.

Betrayal Do something else I’m feeling. It feels like more than it just to slap in the face too.

My current border wants me to talk about it with him, but it doesn’t feel right. I feel like this is not a burden he should have to carry.

It’s hard for me to navigate any of this because it feels like new wounds are forming. I don’t have feeling for him and before thought I was pretty resolved with what happened and over it. I start to question myself if I am really as healed as I thought I was or if this new hurt is justified. This was someone that I was with for 11 years and the wounds run deep.

In total I have shaved off 4 yrs off my morgage!!! And that is that I have lived there for 2 years!

Once I get my interest rate lowered, I can throw more money at the principal and get it paid off even faster!

I would love to pay it off in 15 yrs instead of 30 yrs!

If I continue this I can have it paid off by the time I’m 45 which would be amazing!

After some quick math… I need to put down an extra $210 a month to maintain my goal.. which I think is doable… and once my payments decrease.. I should be able to knock it out quicker

Getting your partner a sex toy so they can please themselves instead of dealing with the lack of intimacy and while in your 20s in a WILLLDDDD move.

I swear, never again

Oofff.. just watched a video that outlined that sometimes as we grow up in toxic or abusive households that behavior becomes normalized and when it shows up in romantic relationships we don’t think twice about the unhealthy behaviors… for me this was people pleasing… getting yelled at… belittled… ect

I was so utterly spoiled yesterday

I am so utterly blessed

He surprised me with a trip to see my best friend in Europe and go to another town they were both really want to visit and end in the city he loves the most. It will start on my birthday and end on his.

He also surprised me with another trip tickets to the beach and with tickets to the artist I am obsessed with.

Ugh I wish I had a scale… I can’t tell if I’m losing weight or not.

I have stopped eating breast fast for a couple of weeks now to naturally lower my calorie intake. I have noticed a bit of a difference but maybe it’s just my body dismorphia taking hold again.

I need to start working out more too.

I’m not as mad as I should be that literally all of my ‘friends’ bailed expect one of a party that we all agreed to that I was hosting.

I have made a vow to myself that I won’t bring up the idea of marriage or timelines until our 2 yrs of dating anniversary which is in May.

I know he loves and adores me and that I couldn’t have possibly found a more amazing human being to call mine.

I look back to my manifestation list of characteristics of my future husband and the father of my children and he still fits every single item perfectly.

Even down to my ‘nice to have’ list he fits it all!!

On the first line of my list, I have…

Kind, chivalry, soft, playful, and loving

On the second line…

Generous with his time and effort

And third..

Masculine

Those things wrapped up into a 6’2” tanned version of Cillian Murphy and now with the perfect salt/pepper hair… can you blame a girl?

Whatever I want, he provides for me and anticipates my needs and sees me for the flawed human I am. With his main priority of keeping me happy and safe.

I will be forever grateful to God for putting him into my life.

Another day

Another dream that revolves around getting engaged to the man of my dreams

I need to ramp up my elopement day dreams… bc I wanna be ready with ideas once he asks

We are also suppose to be going to New Mexico in March with some friends who have a house there!

Well he accidentally included my email address on the ticket confirmation and got an email saying a ticket was booked for me to go to Miami!!

Idk if he has canceled it for another place or if we are still going in June

This was suppose to be apart of my big multi step Christmas surprise

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