My New Life As A Single Mom

Just call me C.  J and I were together for 14 years total, married for 7.  We just recently separated.  We have three daughters, E, Bee, and Bug.  This is my journey.

[newsinglemomlady]

Dear Blue Eyed Boy

11.20.19

Dear Adam,

Three years ago, I used to write about you in this blog and how much I liked you.  You had no idea.  At least, I hope not, because how embarrassing would that be now? *SMH*

Anyway, even if you did know, you have no idea how much you helped me get through a dark time in my life.  You have no idea how much I looked forward to our tiny interactions.  You have no idea that through my massive crush on you during a very painful separation (and subsequent divorce) that you single-handedly showed me that I definitely COULD love again.

Because even though we were merely work acquaintances, and you have never in your wildest dreams thought of me in the same way... I could see myself growing to love you one day.  Growing to love someone like you.

You are perfect.

You are the perfect type of person for me.

I knew within days of meeting you that you had a serious girlfriend.  I’m not a homewrecker;  I admired you from afar for two years.  And then came the day when we didn’t work together anymore, and we both went our separate ways.  I still laughed at your social media posts, and I DMed you a time or two.  But for the most part, that crush was locked away lying dormant, but it never quite went away.  That all became LOUDLY apparent about three weeks ago when I learned you were newly single.

I really like you, Adam.  

I’ve liked you for a long time.  I don’t expect you to feel the same way, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to really tell you how I feel in person, or even in DM.  I’m too scared to tell you.  Too scared you’ll reject me, and no hard feelings if you do.  (I’m pretty sure you would.)  But i LIKE you.  I don’t want to spill my guts to you and then have you pull away.  I’d rather keep laughing at all the weird memes you post instead.

Longingly yours,

the receptionist you never noticed like that

[newsinglemomlady]

If Only

7.23.19

I wonder how different my life might have been if I had been born into a more well-to-do, more intelligent family.

I wonder how different my life might have been if my dad had never died.

I wonder how different my life might have been if I’d never been abused as a child.

I wonder how different my life might have been if I’d never married him; if I’d just walked away and let him forever be my high school boyfriend, and nothing more.  Would I look back at him fondly?  Why didn’t I do that?

I wonder how different my life might have been if I’d finished college.  I wonder how different that experience might have been if I’d had a family that encouraged me.  Graduating high school was good enough, because it was something they never did.  Why did I need to go to college?

And now I see my children and I wonder how different their lives might have been, could have been, if only my own life had been different.

If only I’d had a better support system growing up.

If only I’d chosen a better man to be their father.

If only I’d earned myself a proper education.

I am a divorced mother of two wonderful girls working a dead end job with no college degree and struggling every single day to make sure they have what they need, and it’s not enough, and I’m failing.

Over the past seven months, I have only been accepted for five job interviews out of the countless applications I’ve submitted, and every single one of them thus far has been a no.

Life is passing us by and my children are growing older and they deserve THE WORLD and I can’t give it to them.

Why did I walk away from college when I was making straight A’s?  Oh.  Because I had no financial aid and was paying for everything myself and my family didn’t care one way or the other and I finally decided I couldn’t afford to pay for college anymore because I was 19 and young and dumb and stupid.

Why did I stay with a man I absolutely LOVED when he was so toxic for me?  Oh.  Because I LOVED him, duh!  And I did.  I loved him with everything I had and I just wanted him to love me the way I loved him.  I can look back and pinpoint the precise moment I should have walked away forever, but I didn’t.  Because I was young and dumb and stupid, and completely blinded by my own love for him to the point that I had absolutely no idea just how toxic we were together.  And I let it go on until we had been together for 14 years with two children and a broken home.

Three children and a broken home.  Because that was it; the precise moment.  The night all those years ago when I was 20 and he was 19 and we weren’t together, but we weren’t not together either, and he told me that he’d gotten her pregnant.  Someone else.  Someone not me.  This young man that I had been in love with since I was 17 and he was 16 had gotten someone else pregnant.  Someone else who wasn’t me was going to have his baby.  And that is when I should have walked away forever.  Except I didn’t.  Because I was young and dumb and stupid and blinded by my own love for him.  And that is my mistake and mine alone.

There have been so many times in my life where I deserved so much better.

And now, I look at my children, and the cycle is repeating itself because I know they deserve so much better than what they have, and the blame falls on me.

I wonder how different our lives might be today if only I had made better choices back then.

It’s so easy for people to say things like, “If I could go back and change everything I’ve ever done in my life, good or bad,  I wouldn’t, because then I wouldn’t have the life that I do today.”  But really, how often is that just a bunch of bullshit?

I would have let him go.  I loved him, and that’s okay, but I would have let him go. 

I would have finished school.

I could have finished school.

I should have finished school.

If I could give my daughters just ONE piece of advice, please, finish school.

Please, please, please, please, please...

Don’t become your mother.  Don’t sit at a dead end job making $12.86 an hour trying to support two children.

Go to school.  Earn that degree.  Give yourselves better futures; better lives.  

And I hope that instead of sitting around and wondering how different your lives might have been, that you’re out there living your best lives ever.

And... despite everything, I still hold on to the hope that this life I’m living, that we’re living together, will all be okay.

[newsinglemomlady]

Hi.  The title of my last entry is hilarious to me.  

[newsinglemomlady]

Gus? Mike? Are You Out There?

7.25.18

It’s been more than 6 months since I’ve written anything in this blog. It’s been almost 8 months, actually.  I’d like to say that has been a reflection of my happiness, and I think for the most part, it has been.  Or perhaps I’ve just found other outlets to dive into, which could also very well be the case.  But this week has been hard for some reason, and I’m feeling down and emotional.  So where else do I turn, but here?

I was so stupid for so long.  I see that with a fresh set of eyes now.  For so many years, I let a narcissistic person control my happiness.  But I was “happy” and “so in love.”  Yeah, I loved him, alright.  But he never loved me back the way I deserved.  And he had me fooled.  

And yet I still make up excuses for him time and time again.

He’s not a terrible person; but he’s no good for me.  He never really was.  And SO many people could see right through it.  But not me.  

He was the wrong person for me.  But I made my choices.  And now i must live with them.  And learn and grow.  

I let him go a long time ago now.  It’s been almost a year since I finally let go for good...  But I must be honest, he is back in my life full time right now due to circumstances and a LOT of kindness on my part...  (There was a bad break up with girl number 2, and as the mother of his children and the only family he has in the state, he is staying with the girls and I.)  And it’s so satisfying to be able to say I didn’t miss him being gone.  And that being said...  I am so ready for him to be gone again.

I will always have love for him, but I am 100% OVER him...  

It’s really too bad it didn’t turn out how I thought it would in the first 6 months of our relationship.  The true honeymoon phase.  We were 17 and 16 and in high school and in love.  And he was so good to me... or so I thought.  I know now it was all a front.  But it felt nice.  And I latched on to that... held onto it for dear life.  And it became what it is now.

Every girl deserves an Augustus Waters, or a Michael Wheeler.  And in those first 6 months, that’s what I thought I had.

Do boys like that even exist?  I need for boys like them to exist... Because if boys like them are really real, then there is hope for me that a man like that is out there.  And I don’t even want him or need him right now.  But someday.... I’d like to have that option.

And this has been just a small part of my depression for this week.

(Laughs hysterically)

There is quite a bit more in other subjects, but I’m done for now.

Thanks for coming to my soap box.

-C

[newsinglemomlady]

Miss You

12.1.17

I really miss my dad and my grandpa tonight.  I literally sat and silently cried my eyes out while I was waiting for Bug to fall asleep.  I didn’t make a noise, but her Disney lullabies certainly helped with that.

I was just five when I lost my dad.  He’s been gone for 27 years now, just as long as he lived on this earth.  If you add the days and months, etc., he’s officially been dead longer that he was alive.  That breaks my heart.

Fourteen years ago today, December 1, 2003, I was getting ready for work in my room when I heard my grandpa fall in our kitchen.  I ran to him, screaming.  He was face down on the floor.  He said, “I’m okay.”  And then he was gone.  Paramedics and firefighters came.  I don’t know if he had a pulse or not when they got there, but he did by the time they left.  I just sat on the couch with holding my dogs and crying until they finally rushed him out of our house on a stretcher.  He never regained consciousness and he died two days later in the hospital.  I was 18.  

They were the two most important men in my life aside from my husband, and I lost them both much too soon.

Losing my dad was a tragedy.  He was murdered.  He was stolen from me and my brother, and all who knew and loved him.  We were three and five, and our daddy was gone.

My grandpa filled much of the void that my dad left behind.  But the truth was, I was a moody rebellious teenager when he died.  He was a bit overbearing, and I was often annoyed with him.  I would sigh and roll my eyes all the time.  I just wanted to live my life and do what I wanted.  I didn’t pay much attention to him.  I was too busy being 18.  I’d give anything to get that last year with him back.  Anything.  I wish I’d had longer, so that he’d know how much I loved and appreciated him. My one solace has been his final words, and they were to me. “I’m okay.”

I hope you’re still okay, grandpa.  I miss you both so much, and even though I’m not in any rush, I have to  believe there is a God and a Heaven, because I can’t wait to see you both again one day.

Daddy’s Girl & Grandpa’s Pumpkin

[godofavengers]

All I need for stranger things 3

Happy happy HAPPY Will Byers

JOPPER

More Jancy

Steve being with the kids 24/7

Mike and Eleven NEVER leaving each other’s sides

Steve Harrington

JOPPER

Steve Harrington being Steve Harrington

More Dustin purrs

There’s probably more i mentally want to add but to lazy to think that far

[alliehp-deactivated20180321]

She loves watching him study.

The way he scrunches his nose when he comes across some obstacle, solving maths problems. The way his hair falls down on his face, his back hunched over a textbook. The way his eyes would light up when he understood something he was struggling with. She loves how smart he is, how nerdy he sounds when he’s explaining something to her.

He sometimes comes to the cabin to study with her, since she gets her own homework now too. Mr Clarke, who was, after a lot of hesistation, let on the secret, visits her three times a week, to help her prepare for eventual school after she doesn’t have to hide anymore.

And that’s another thing that leads to Mike. As much as El adores Mr Clarke, Mike is her favourite tutor. He explains the wonders of science in the same soft, attentive tone he used to explain friendships and promises, and El can’t help but keep asking, even if just to hear his voice and look at his freckles when he sits close to her on the floor.

One March evening they are sprawled on the floor, with notebooks laying around them, El doing her maths homework and Mike studying for a science contest. He was furrowing his dark eyebrows, with dark circles under his eyes.

That was probably the first time El hated watching him study.

His head was swaying over his textbooks, eyelids drooping.

‘Mike.’

'Hmm?’

'You need to sleep.’ she took the textbook out of his hands. He looked up at her with tired eyes.

'But, El, the contest’s in a week and I still need to…’

'You need to sleep.’ she said forcibly, furrowing her brows.

'Okay, okay, I’ll go to sleep earlier tonight, I promise. I just need to…’

'No. You’ll go to sleep now.’ she pointed at her bed and made the blanket hover over it slightly.

Then she took a hold of his hands and pulled him up, dragging him towards the bed. He didn’t protest much, yawning. He laid down, rubbing his tired eyes.

'Maybe a short nap is not the worst idea…’ and just like that, he was snoring almost as loudly as Hopper. She covered him with a blanket and couldn’t resist brushing her fingers trough his dark, soft hair. He muttered something incoherently, moving his head towards her palm. She smiled softly and went back to her maths homework, glancing at his peaceful face once a while.

But then, after a while, she heard him whimper slightly and lifted her eyes quickly. He was crying silently, curling into a ball, gripping blanket with his fingers.

She got up, unsure what to do.

'Don’t go… Please don’t leave me… ’ he sobbed, shaking. 'I can’t lose… I can’t lose you, please don’t…’

His voice broke and she gripped his hand in her own.

'Mike, Mike wake up!’

'Please…’

'Mike!’

He suddenly jolted awake, looking around frantically with tear-filled eyes, until they stopped on her face. After a few seconds he just wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly and pressing his face against her arm.

'It’s okay, Mike.’ she whispered, hugging him back just as tight. 'It’s okay. You’re okay.’

Hopper used to say that a lot when he woke her up from her nightmares.

'Y-you were gone again.’ he said quietly, his voice still shaking a bit, muffled by her shirt.

'But I’m not. I’m here, Mike. It’s okay now. I promise. I’m not going anywhere. ’

He nodded, but didn’t let her go for another few minutes. When he did, she gently wiped his cheeks and pressed a soft kiss against his still trembling lips.

'I don’t wanna go back to sleep.’ he said quietly, looking away.

'What if I stay with you?’

He stared at her, puzzled. She laid down next to him and pulled him down, so they were both laying on their sides, facing eachother, their hands intertwined.

'Hopper will kill me if he finds us like that. ’

'I won’t let him.’ she smiled at him, and lifted her chin a bit to kiss his forehead.

'Promise?’

'Promise.’

El loves watching him study, but what she loves even more is watching him sleep peacefully, with his fingers wrapped around her hands.

@shattered-quill @maxmayfield @themikewheelers @mxdmax @lucassinclairstan @bob-newby-superhero @alabasterswriting

[newsinglemomlady]

Reposting so I can read later....

[newsinglemomlady]

Strange

11.5.17

It's so incredibly strange to grieve for someone who never died. Instead, they left your life for no other reason than... they just didn't want you anymore.

I don't even want him back anymore.

But it still hurts.

I'm attempting to pack him out of my room for good. And maybe start sleeping in it again.

The nostalgia is strong today.

-C

[newsinglemomlady]

F*ck Mondays

9.18.17

Fast forward a month since the last time I wrote. J has a new girlfriend.  I do not refer to her as she-who-must-not-be-named. I actually met her, and she’s nice.  I let my kids meet her, too.  But here’s the catch; they have only been dating for about two weeks.  Now I’m starting to think that it was too soon.

I really need for us to both move on.  But he is moving REALLY FAST.  Maybe too fast.  And I don’t like it.  He took this girl and her kid (she has a 7 year old son) on a weekend trip to Cincinnati a week after their first date.  And looking back, I feel like he spent all weekend with her and her kid, but he only saw our kids for two hours.

Then he was in my neighborhood to see his mechanic, but he didn’t even tell me he was anywhere near… Because he has this new girlfriend.  So he doesn’t need me anymore.

I feel replaced.

I feel like I don’t matter.

Even his mom, who has adopted me as her own, whom I love dearly, is already Facebook friends with this girl. 

She was nice to me. She was nice to my kids. Her kid was nice to them, too. (My kids are much better behaved, however.) But I feel like it’s all too much too soon.  I didn’t trust the last one at all… I didn’t want her anywhere near my children.  Obviously, I want a potential step-mother to them to be kind to them, and to treat them how they deserve to be treated. I feel better about that with this girl than I did with the last one.  But it’s all too soon.

But because I am feeling “some type of way”, I opened my mouth.  And J, whom I’ve had a really great relationship with for the past 6 months that he has been SINGLE, is really having an issue with me opening my mouth… Now, he is insisting that he is going to start taking the kids every other weekend, and he’s done with me, etc.  Okay.  In the nearly year and a half that we have been separated, he has never taken the girls for the weekend.  Not once.  He comes to see them.  We get together and do things.  But he doesn’t take them.  So now, after all this time, he suddenly wants to?  And for what?  To hurt me?  To let his new girlfriend play Mommy to MY girls?

I don’t fucking think so.

I asked him, “Where are my children going to sleep? What are they going to eat?”

“That’s none of your concern.”

The fuck it isn’t!

He has one bed, and a couch, and he can barely feed himself or his dog.  His dog, by the way, has growled at Bug (who is 6 years old) and his whole apartment floor is covered in long white dog fur.  But it’s none of my business where they are sleeping and what they’re eating, or the fact that his 120lb dog could hurt my youngest child if not properly supervised?

Oh, maybe they are going to spend the weekend at new girlfriend’s house.  Hmm.  How does Mom feel about that?  Bahahahahahahahahaha!  Yeah, that’s a no for me.

Maybe I’m really just being a heinous bitch over this.  Afterall, I’ve had my children to myself all this time.  But I still don’t want to share them. Especially under these circumstances.  Just because he’s mad at me, and trying to bark orders, and tell me how it is.  That’s all this is.  He is trying to get some level of control over me.

Fuck that and fuck him. My babies aren’t going.

Also… We overslept this morning…. My kids ALWAYS want to drag their feet, especially when we don’t have time, and they have been tardy five times this month already. So the school called this morning talking about truancy. THANKS UNIVERSE.  Not like I feel bad enough about myself.  Now I’m a bad mom.  My kids are clean and fed and they make it to school EVERY DAY, and also have straight A’s and B’s,  but yeah, truancy.  THANKS.  And my gas tank was on E.  And my card declined at the gas pump.  WTF?  Thank you Amazon Prime… I didn’t sign up for you, but I have had to cancel you TWICE now.  So this time, I removed my bank card information from my Amazon account.  I really hope there isn’t a third time.  So, I paid for my gas to get me to work this morning in QUARTERS.  Then after I got to work is when I got in this horrible argument with J. And then the school called about the truant thing (FOR TARDIES).  And I even had a scammer call me at work to try and trick me into buying toner for the office.  He ended up hanging up on me because I was smarter than him, and I knew his game.  But you know what?  Fuck this Monday.

I’m out.

-C

[newsinglemomlady]

ReBlog: The Struggle Is Real

8.18.17

I wrote this blog several years ago during a very dark time in my life.  I loved J with all my heart, but I was often so miserable due to his actions.  When I wrote the blog from earlier today, I wrote it with this in mind.

-C

I have no money. I have no gas in my van. I have to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. I get paid two days later. My three dogs have no food. My toddler has no pull-ups to wear to bed tonight. There is no milk. We’re out of toilet paper. I lied. I have money. I have $10 in my purse, and $2 in my bank account. I have $12. I need $8 for pull ups. I need $10 for dog food. I need at least $10 for gas. I need $1 for toilet paper. I don’t need milk, but if I want some, I need $3. I need $32. It’s not that much. I’m not high maintenance by any means. But I need $32, and I only have $12. That means, we have to go without something. That means, I can’t take care of my family. That means, I’ve failed. And since I need to drive to work every day to get more money, that means I must choose gas. That means my baby gets to pee on herself in her sleep. That means my dogs, who are already hungry, have to starve for the next week, as I only have enough food in my fridge and cupboards to feed my family. That means there will be no milk, but at least there’s water. Yeah. At least there’s water. My bills are paid. There’s a roof over our heads. There are clothes on our backs. Our house is warm. We have some food, too. So while we are poor, we are also blessed. And it’s so damn depressing.

[newsinglemomlady]

Sorry

8.18.2017 

When you're down to your last $5, your gas light is on, and you still have to drive 45 minutes each way to work for the rest of the week before you get paid again.... 

 And then you come to me for help... 

I'm so sorry you're in this position. But I hope you see just how hard it is now. All those years you blew right through YOUR hard earned money, with no regard to the kids and I. 

I was expected to shell out every last red cent I owned to pay our mortgage and our bills. But you couldn't buy dog food. You couldn’t buy gas for my car.  (But you’d drive it until it was on empty, even though you had your own car.) 

I went without tampons.  Our kid who wet the bed went without night pants. You couldn't help me with anything. All of my money was gone because I took care of us, and yours was gone because you spent it all on yourself. 

New make up?  New clothes?  Once a year, maybe.  Starbucks?  Manicures and pedicures?  What the hell are those things?  I wouldn’t know.  If I had ANYTHING extra at all, it went to our babies.

I really hope you understand what it's like to struggle. But if I know you (and I do) you're still only thinking of yourself, and how hard your life is. You don't remember how hard you made it for me. 

It's still hard for me. But I'm better now by myself than before when you were holding me back. 

I'm sorry. I hope it gets better. (For both of us.) 

Maybe now you'll be a better man. 

 -C

[newsinglemomlady]

I’m a Good Mom; I’m a Proud Mom

8.10.16

I want to take some time to brag about my beautiful, precious, perfect daughters.

Bee is 11 years old now.  She is in the 6th grade, which in our school district, is her final year of elementary.

Bug is 6 years old and in the 1st grade.

As Bee is moving on to middle school next year, I’m so sad that my girls only got two years of school together.  They will never attend the same school at the same time ever again after this year.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have spaced them so far apart.  (It’s only five years...)  Not only that, but I really LOVE their school.  Bee has attended since pre-k, so this is technically her 8th year there.  I’m sad that she will be leaving it behind, but I still have five years of elementary school left with Bug.  (And this year has only just started, so it’s more like six.)  

Bee has struggled in school.  She maintains a C average, and the last time she made Honor Roll was way back in 1st grade.  She went into 5th grade last year with a goal of making Honor Roll again.  Her first report card was full of Cs, a couple of Bs, and one A.  This was her first report card since the divorce.  Her next three report cards were much better with a majority of As, however she could never get past a C in math, therefore she never reached her goal of making Honor Roll.  Her teacher left a sweet note for her on her final report card.  He told her to start her year out strong, and he is confident that she will reach that Honor Roll goal this year.  School has only been in session for two weeks today, but my girl has an A- in math so far!!!!  I am SO very proud of her!  I know it’s the beginning of the year, and she may still end up with a C as math is her worst subject, but maybe, just maybe, this will be her year.  She has a wonderful teacher who adores her already, which I think is also important for Bee.  Her best friend is in class with her again this year as well, which, contrary to popular belief, I feel is very beneficial for Bee.  She has always been an old soul, and she doesn’t make friends with kids her own age very easily.  She tends to get along better with adults, (like, her teacher, for instance) so having her best friend in her class is a big plus for both of us.  J and I both really feel that this is Bee’s year.  She is going to shine her brightest and soar.

Bug. This was the message written in her Friday folder after her first week of school.  “Love her!  She is so sweet and follows directions so well. :) “  It’s safe to say her teacher ADORES her!  I’m so glad. :)  Bug knows all of her sight words that are being reviewed from kindergarten, and in fact, she was reading at a 1st grade level before school let out for the summer.  She has no grades yet in the system that I can see, but she has her very first spelling test tomorrow.  Her class has two spelling lists; an A list, and a B list.  Each student is quizzed individually at the beginning of the week to determine which list they will test for at the end of the week.  Bug is on the advanced list.  Yay!  And she knows ALL of them!  She can spell them all out loud, easy peasy!  So tonight, we are going to have a practice test at home and see how she transfers that over to paper.  I think she will do just fine. :)  I am so proud of my baby!

These girls, as of late, are restoring my sense of self-worth; I feel like a good parent!  A good mom!  A year ago right now was not great for any of us, but it’s amazing to see how far we have come.  I’m so excited to see where we go.

Last thing.  Today is Miss Erika Wells’ birthday.  She would be 39 years old today.  She was such a blessing to us last year.  So understanding, kind, and compassionate.  I know she prayed for us.  And so I will pray for her today, and for her family.  As much as we are missing her, I know her family is missing her more.  We love you!

And I love my girls so very much.

-C

[newsinglemomlady]

Drowning

8.3.2017

I have been falling into a depression lately, but I’m not sure that writing about it is going to help me.  I’m going to write a little anyway, though.  

I’ve really gotten used to being a “single mom”, and after more than a year, I don’t know that I would call myself a “new” single mom anymore.  I think I need to revamp this blog. 

Life is catching up to me, however...  I’m struggling financially.  I hate my job.  I feel incredibly held back, and I don’t want to stay somewhere I’m miserable that’s not paying my bills.  I’m so worried about losing my house.  I don’t think I will... I think everything will be okay... But that is my biggest fear at the moment.  $12.24 an hour just isn’t going to cut it...  (Which is AFTER a 2% increase... thanks for my measly one penny short of a quarter, assholes....)  That being said, I am being asked to tackle on much more than my original job description, had it used AGAINST me during my annual evaluation, and while co-workers are receiving dollars worth of increases, I’m getting quarters. A quarter.  NOT EVEN A QUARTER! 

I mean HOW are people expected to survive these days?  I receive no government assistance whatsoever, but I think I’m going to have to break down and apply for SOMETHING.  I have a full time job... I shouldn’t HAVE to do that.  

The only good thing about my position is that I am scheduled  Monday through Friday, from 8am until 5pm, with no weekends, and no holidays.  For the 16 months I have worked there so far, it has been worth it to be with my girls.  But I cannot continue this... I’m drowning.  For the majority of my years with J, I was drowning... And I’m drowning alone, too.  

I have met so many amazing people through this journey...  I am sad to leave (SOME OF) them, but I have to find something better and run out that door.  My babies are depending on me. And I can’t depend on this job to take care of them for much longer.  

I have an exciting prospect in mind where I would be working for the same company as my cousin/best friend.  I would be doing much of the same that I’m doing now, work the same hours, and have co-workers in my same position (I am the only one of me at my current job), and I would be getting more than a $5 increase.  I haven’t applied yet... so why am I sitting here complaining to whomever is reading my blog?  Shit or get off the pot, right?  Right.  Please, cross your fingers for me.

-C

[newsinglemomlady]

Clean

4.26.2017

On March 7th, at roughly 2am, I received a text from J that he and She-who-must-not-be-named were over.  Of course, I didn’t see this text until about 6am, and I remained skeptical.  More than seven weeks later, they are still very much over.  And he still doesn’t want me.

Still.

And I wanted him back for so long.  

Needless to say, the last several weeks have been a plethora of emotions for me.  In the last few days, those emotions have come to fruition, and I’ve probably even done a 180 once or twice.

I don’t have time to write at the moment... I seem to always be lacking time for writing, and I NEED to make time for this.  For me.  I can’t get to the point where I sit and cry all evening when I have two perfect little girls and am blessed beyond measure and shouldn’t be crying at all.  But for the time being, I’m at work, and I’d like to keep my job, so... I’m going to make it a point to write tonight.

But today... I feel free.

“Rain came pouring down When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe And by morning, gone was any trace of you And I think I am finally clean”  (lyrics “Clean” by Taylor Swift)

[newsinglemomlady]

[newsinglemomlady]

Nevertheless, she persisted.  All while two sets of smaller eyes watched her. Illustration by Vickie Wade.

[newsinglemomlady]

The Struggle is Still Very Real

2.13.17

It’s been close to two months since I’ve last written a blog.  I guess I just haven’t had much to write about, or not much that I’ve wanted to write about.

Life has been pretty exhausting and chaotic for my girls and I as of late.  It started back in December when our hot water heater went out.  So now we have gone about two or three months without hot water, because I am a single mother who receives no help and is already behind on her bills and is a homeowner with NO savings account... So we’ve just been getting by.  I heat water on the stove to do dishes and clean.  My grandmother lives five minutes from my house, so we have fortunately been able to go to her place and bathe...  The girls have grown tired of it, so I’ve only been making them bathe every other day.  They’re children and they don’t get too dirty, so it works out.  But I have to wash my hair every day or it looks filthy and greasy and nasty, so a sponge bath at home just isn’t going to cut it for me.  So we go to Grandma’s house just about every night.  We never go on Friday nights, but we sometimes go on Saturday mornings or afternoons.  And we’re all just so tired.

The good news is that there is and end in sight.  (At least I certainly hope so.)  Since I’m single this year, (or married filing separate) and I claimed both of my girls and made significantly less since my husband left me eight months ago, I’m getting back about twice as much as last year from my tax return.  So we should hopefully have hot water by the end of this month.  And my mortgage will FINALLY get caught up, and they can stop calling me and sending me certified letters in the mail.  And I won’t be frivolous with the rest of it, either.  Some of it will go towards fun; vacation and concert tickets and probably new clothes and/or home decor.  But I will finally have a savings account... FINALLY.... 

That’s something I couldn’t do with J. He has never been able to mange money, and we always suffered greatly because of it... And we fought a LOT about our financial struggles.  All I wanted was for him to help me.  Instead, my earnings went into the household, and he used his earnings for us (or him, rather) to do “fun” stuff.  It wasn’t fair...  He finally started helping during the last 8 months or so of our relationship.  And perhaps that helped end us, because maybe he didn’t like it...  But for once, I could breathe.

Now that he’s been gone, I feel that struggle again.  But it’s because of the spot he left me in.  He’s not doing any better, and he is probably struggling worse than me.  But I think I’m going to be okay now.  I think that once I get caught up on everything I’ve been behind on, I’ll be okay.  I’ll manage. My girls and I will be okay.  And he won’t be a part of it.  That makes me sad, but putting it in writing, i think I’m almost relieved.

I love him so very much.  Letting him go has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  And I’m still not sure I’m entirely ready.  My biggest fear in letting him go, is that after it’s all said and done, he will be knocking on my door wanting to come back in.  And for what?  Why now, after all this?  We’ve cried together.  He says he loves me.  He’ll always love me.   But he also says that we weren’t good for each other.  Maybe he’s right.  But it still hurts.

I let him take the girls to meet his girlfriend last weekend.  I cried the minute they walked out the door.  I might cry again the next time.  This is something I never wanted for my babies.  Not in a million years.  E’s mom agreed to let her go as well, and I know that was hard for her, too.  I’m sure it was just as hard for her to let me into E’s life as it is for me to let “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” into my girls’ lives.  The difference is that this is twice she’s had to do this now.  She sure didn’t know what she was getting herself into, did she?  And I’ve a feeling J’s new lady friend hasn’t a clue, either.  

Bee said Dad’s new girlfriend is “okay”.  Bug said she was “really nice”, and she liked meeting her cat and two pet hedgehogs.  E said she had an “awesome” time.  There you have three different perspectives from three very different little girls whom are each experiencing different emotions.  And what did I do during this time?  I went out to see Fifty Shades Darker with three girl friends.  The time out was much needed, and Jamie Dornan has always been easy on my eyes... Much much needed.

I feel like this blog is all over the place and doesn’t have just a singular point.  I’m also at work, so I’m distracted, and really hungry, and need to use the lady’s room... (See?  All over the place.)  So I’m just going to end it here.

It will all be better soon.  Right?  Right.