Novus Populus

News for the people, by the people. Roughly based on what we read.

[newspeople]

"PEDO-OVERLOAD" says new study.

 Upon the news THAT Prince Andrew of the UK, England will sever ties with EXTREME paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, our team SET about looking into the extent the whole liking kids too much thing in our futuristic future culture went and how to stop this terrible subject revealing it head again.

 To explain, a paedophile is a person of an older generation simply getting a sexual jape from the youngsters of our genus and are always male (as everyone knows woman can't commit sex crimes because its funny when they do it). So we asked 10 men 10 questions in 10 minutes to get the truth.

 When asked how many of the men had sex, 100% replied yes meaning we could assume all men have had sex. We then asked whom considered himself a paedophile, all replied no, but what was asked next threw even the reporter. When asked how many men had engaged in sex with a woman who had once been 12 at some point in her life, 90% replied yes and the other 10% stating that one girl claimed she had been 18 when younger. The latter questions were all confidential and not related to this study.

 Now when these same men could be your husband, wife, brother or even car park attendant which is what scares this writer to his micro-bones. Through our publications study its safe to say that we should all not have children, in the fear they will be buggered stupid by rampant scholes of kiddy fiddlers with sharp teeth and hunger for human flesh.

[newspeople]

Britain isn't your mother...

 Britain, unlike some countries, like to help other people if there down on their luck. So when we see countries such as Russia, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Moldova and Serbia saying they need some money to get by, we won't be stringy if need be. With this handout you would assume the receiving party would use the cash wisely, paying for what they need to get them out of the rut. But what happens after the rut? In fact how do you find out. Well our reporters have found out and had to TELL on these nations. One investigation into the money Britain was giving to India and what it went on brought forth a review of shocking proportions. The money we gave for food and water had been spent on sweets and pop! When India's mother was asked about this she merely said "must be why it never eats its dinner", revealing it already had food for later. Further discoveries were a space program and brand new shiny bikes for the popular kids.

 Other countries also tried to cover, gambling the money in a coin throwing contest, football stickers and illegal air rifle purchase from China's Uncle Ian. With this news the British government have put a TIME-OUT for all the nations involved and had a good scolding from their respective mother all of whom have been described as 'very disappointed'.

for a biased view try below.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1361165/Britain-freezes-aid-16-countries-inquiry-finds-longer-poverty.html

[newspeople]

Bad boys will cry.

 The SCIENTISTS today have revealed instead of coming up with ways of enslaving us, have discovered that criminal children can be identifiable by as early as the age of 3 bringing an end to crime. No longer will our streets be plagued by hoards of kids/teenagers committing every crime possible in this universe claims the BOFFINS in charge of shackling our very souls. Such monsters as Peter Sudcliffe 64, formally known as Yorkie the Ripper would never have committed his heinous crimes if the scheme where in place. What was noted from Sudcliffe's past was the fact he had killed 14 prostitutes by the age of 8 but was said to have "grown out of it" and posed no further threat. Unfortunately , he did do it it again which has pushed official's into the pilot of the process in areas affected by rampant child crime.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1359203/Life-crime-begins-3-children-Scientists-identify-disturbing-traits.html

True hell awaits.

Other such cases are DEMONS such as Gary Glitter whom was remembered as "fancying all the girls" at the age of 12, is it this that would lead him into his life of innocence smashing? If this vile pig had been identified then think of the other non-criminal kids that wouldn't have to be paid to keep quiet.

 The same EGGHEADED TYRANTS, in response to speculation have issued a case of a child that possess the criminal mind of a super-Hitler which will be shown in a conference later this year.

[newspeople]

Tike toot terror

 Contrary to belief people actually take narcotics outside of the movies, we've all seen the horror show that is the fictional drugs on our Hollywood encrusted screens. Long scenes depicting goblin like powders and herbs that burn in  a multitude of hues fill our imaginations with terror and thrill but what happens when drugs are taken for real. Our undercover reporters have uncovered a conspiracy lying deep within the happy shiny façade that no one believes anyway, on this occasion it covers a weak point. Tom Cruise 48,well known set of teeth and actor was spotted donning a cap and biker jacket (similar to that worn in War of the worlds) approaching a well known Hollywood dealer.

Tommy Cruise both young (left) and un-young (right)

What happen next was disagreement and the exiting of of Mr Cruise empty handed. Further investigation revealed the dealer refusing Cruise amphetamines commonly known as Speed (of which Cruise didn't star in the movie of the same name). When asked in confidentiality the peddler exclaimed that Cruise was quote "Too short to take speed". When pressed for more The drugoman added "He's just too short, look at him, would you give him speed?". Unknown to the media is the extent that other celebrities will go to emulate their roles in the fantasy of drugs.

[newspeople]

"Flavoured Water full of sugar; Drink Doughnuts instead" say experts.

After being in over papers about 2 years ago, it has came to the Daily Mail's attention that flavoured water is full of sugar.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1358999/The-healthy-flavoured-water-sugar-doughnuts.html

Although I've never seen any of these drinks claim themselves as 'healthy', people apparently just see coloured bottles and think "OMG, I don't like the taste of water but I want to live forever"

actual donut!

So once again the Daily Mail has whipped up a chart (They love those charts, always in a colour scheme of purples and blues) showing how much sugar is in flavoured water with one example of a small doughnut. One bottle of water contains as much sugar as 3 doughnuts! Are they suggesting I just drink blended doughnuts? I'm sorry Daily Mail, but drinking blended doughnuts sounds disgusting. What's wrong with you?