12/4/18
Stressed, anxious, lonely, trying to push through and always barely making it. Having good days and bad days. The bad days more often. It’s weird being able to feel strong yet so fragile at the same time. It’s been a year, especially been a difficult past four months. It’s finals week and like routine the intense anxiety appears and refuses to leave. Affecting my sleep and all aspects of my life. Overwhelmed. So immensely overwhelmed. So much to do, yet not wanting or feeling as if I mentally and physically cannot do anything except sit and stare into space. Loneliness is a hard thing. It’s been harder for me the last week. I can't wait till I can fully move on from this breakup, but I’m doing much better than I ever thought. But I need that final peace, that final goodbye and acceptance within myself. Dang, I just want to be happy. Not stressed, not worrying about my future. I’m tired of constantly worrying about my future and the what ifs or what nots. I want to be more present. Life goes so fast. Just sometimes, too often I feel so small and overwhelmed and suffocated that I retreat to habits that have no benefit to me. And all I want to do is bawl, really bawl my eyes out to feel better, but I can't even get myself to cry, which is so strange for me. I feel inadequate, constantly never good enough. That I’ll never measure up. I want to feel loved and important. Fear of the future has taken over my life. I love myself, I am much stronger than I was a year ago. Like a whole different person. But there are still many aspects mentally I pray I am able to work on. I pray I continue to become stronger in all aspects. I want to be at peace, total utter peace. How do I get there? I want to do well on my finals and I need to do well, but I just can't get myself to study or do anything regarding them. So so hard and frustrating to mentally want something so bad, yet mentally not be able to. I hate feeling inadequate in all aspects in my life. To my ex boyfriend(s), family, self, friends and more. I just feel like I’m doing it all wrong, doing life wrong. What do I do? How do I fix this?
