Niamh's POV

[niamhmackey]

Hey, look at me! I interviewed someone one time

[niamhmackey]

Uni holidays are over and to celebrate I'm showing you all a magazine assignment I completed in Semester 1. We had to create a cover and two double page spreads. The photos could be our own or under creative commons. I don't know I'm happy with the articles I wrote but I think the general vibe I was after came across through the colours and photos. An irrelevant disclaimer: I've been dealing with health issues for over a month and haven't had the energy to upload for a while. I'm slowly but surely getting to the bottom of what is wrong and am on the mend. Bear with me, content shall resume soon but for now enjoy this..

[niamhmackey]

To celebrate my brief stint on radio, here is a throwback interview I did on Amplify on SYN with my wonderful cohost and friend Claire

[niamhmackey]

Summer is slowly but surely bidding us in the Southern hemisphere farewell and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go just yet.

Ever since I saw What Olivia Did and Megan Ellaby wear this top from H&M I have lusted after it. As soon as it came to Australia I snapped it up. The white shorts are from Cheap Monday, bag is thrifted and sunnies are my mum's from Ray Ban. None of these things are available so I can't link them, sorry!

I still struggle to wear the things I want to because I get nervous. I was nervous in this picture but I tried to own it and enjoy myself separate from my clothes. I felt really good in this. There was enough minimalism to balance the maximalism. It was great.

I'll be back with something more substantial soon but for now enjoy a few basic outfit posts. That's all I have the capacity for at the moment. Cheerio!

[niamhmackey]

I've been slowly but surely getting better at wearing everything I own but there are a few things I'm terrified of putting on my body. This year I'm focusing on sustainability and trying to not buy clothing all that often (this remains to be seen). The clothes I styled here are things I actually like and have wanted to wear but have felt stuck on. This dress! I love it and my mum said it gave her Frida Khalo vibes (I'm paraphrasing). I love it but it felt too bohemian for me because my first thought was to style it very minimally, like a holiday dress.

I styled it with this ribbed black tshirt from the kids section at Big W, earrings from Ishka, an op shopped belt and shoes. For a more casual look I'd wear my black slides. What I do like: The colours What scares me: How easily it can become too bohemian (for me) What I did: Added black, more tailored pieces I love the sequins and beading on this top. The bottom hem is jagged and looks really cool but on my body (in my opinion) it can look frumpy and dated.

Tucking it into this pink velvet skirt from Dangerfield makes it a little less fucking extra, added texture and kept the silhouette fresh and young. The slides are op shopped. I think I'll wear it with some black heels and pink/purple eyeshadow to a 21st. What I do like: The jagged edges What scares me: The silhouette can look dated What I did: Tucked it in and kept it minimal I got this top at a vintage garage sale. I find this difficult to style because it's super cropped and flared. I don't have loads of bottoms that go high enough to cover my stomach.

I really like these items together because I feel the proportions look really flattering but cool. The culottes give me a waist, the espadrilles tie in the colours and add texture.

What I do like: The handkerchief, scalloped edges What scares me: How cropped it is What I did: Kept it matchy The gingham overalls are mint but you can look like farmer/kinda slutty Dorothy very quickly. If they weren't in this print they would be much easier to style.

I liked the ruffles on the straps and thought I'd play them up with this pink lettuce-hem t-shirt from MRP. The navy and bright pink compliment each other, the slides streamline and add some structure to juxtapose the ruffles. What I do like: How fitted it is What scares me: The gingham What I did: Played up the ruffles Hopefully I won't be so scared of inanimate objects any longer. Knowing me I'll wake up from a nightmare, sweating tomorrow.

[niamhmackey]

Tara Chandra, a fave of mine showed her earrings from JannyShoppp in a haul she did a while back and I fell in love. I knew I needed some of my own and was delighted to find out a few months later that they were opening an online store. In short, I'm obsessed.

WatermelonT-shirt (Blur Store), skirt (market), sandals (Urban Outfitters), earrings (JannyShoppp)

I focused on neons in this outfit because I love the way they compliment the brightness of the watermelon earrings. I like the subtle nod to summer with the ice-cream van graphic. I wanted this outfit to be comfortable and casual and I guess I achieved that?! LemonDress (op-shop), espadrilles (Diegos), earrings (JannyShoppp)

This is a slightly dressier outfit. I thought the pattern on the dress broke up the block yellow on the shoes and earrings nicely but didn't detract from it. I have no doubt I'll buy more from JannyShoppp. They're an Australian small business that have a really individual and strong design aesthetic so issa big win for Niamh. Love them, love fruit, love Summer.

[niamhmackey]

Skinny jeans are my style comfort blanket. While this isn't a bad thing, my outfits get very repetitive whenever I'm feeling even a little anxious (which is a lot of the time). I started this blog in an effort to challenge myself to wear new things and so far I haven't, really.

I started wearing skinny jeans ten years ago when I was nine. I fell in love with the silhouette and until 2015 I was all aboard the skinny-jean-train. As different shapes have come in I've tried and failed to experiment because I worry they make me look bigger than I am. This is bullshit because I should wear what I want and it shouldn't matter if I look like a tiny baby or a giant.

So, I'm moving my two pairs of black skinny jeans on because I need to learn how to style outfits without them. If they're in the vicinity I'll find them, wear them then regret it plus both pairs don't fit how I like anymore. I'm keeping my dark blue pair because they fit right but I still won't be wearing them. 

So, here are my dark 501s I got from Asos Marketplace – somewhere I would suggest purchasing vintage or used garments as it's a reputable website. These were $30 – $40, look nearly brand new and are much cheaper than what you'd find at a market or a Levi's store

I styled them with a plain white tee from the men's section at Target and these Circus by Sam Edelman shoes from Urban Outfitters because Winter is finally fucking over in Australia!

These are slim enough on the leg that I don't feel swamped and are a good way to dip my toe into the wide world of jean silhouettes.

I'll keep you updated on how my mission goes, if you can call it that. Hopefully I can slowly wade into this world instead of tripping over a particularly long piece of denim and fall head first into the water.

[niamhmackey]

I was just running some errands and so wore a navy spray jacket, an old jumper from Dotti, black skinny jeans and my newish Nike Odyssey's (the comfiest shoes in existence). I can wholeheartedly say that I didn't get anxious about how I looked on any of these occasions. I felt like me but I also felt comfy and like I gave zero fucks. It was great.Since I've started this blog, I've taken note of how my life has changed more than I used to. Obviously the last year of high school is difficult for everyone in some way, but I think the inevitability of its end has only just hit me. Thirteen years of education is over. I made it, even though it doesn't feel like it. We forget the shit bits in life when they're over and thus don't know how to deal with them when they come back. I've found myself wearing things that I feel entirely comfortable in and would wear last year to try and 'fit in'. Initially I was annoyed then because I couldn't shake the urge to break free. I realise now that comfort isn't my enemy. My anxious thoughts aren't necessarily helped by wearing clothing I deem strange every day. Sometimes it's nice to not worry about the composition of an outfit. Sometimes it's better to focus on how I feel on the inside rather than how I appear outwardly. I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I want my friends to be (you've seen the posts about this here and here). It feels like I'm trying to grow but there's no sunlight. I seem to be stuck with people who don't know how to nurture me and I don't know how to break away from in a mature or dignified way. It's funny because now that I feel truly ready to grow up and move past my mental illness, (it feels like) the world won't let me. I know the feelings I'm having will pass, it just might take a while. For now, here are some of the outfits I've worn that don't fuel my anxiety.

I was having a lazy day and so wore a turtleneck from the op shop and black leggings.

I went shopping with my mum and wore a vintage Levi's skirt, black turtleneck from Uniqlo and a red scarf I knitted myself. I put on stockings and my patent Doc Marten's later.

I was just running some errands and so wore a navy spray jacket, an old jumper from Dotti, black skinny jeans and my newish Nike Odyssey's (the comfiest shoes in existence).

I can wholeheartedly say that I didn't get anxious about how I looked on any of these occasions. I felt like me but I also felt comfy and like I gave zero fucks. It was great.

[niamhmackey]

As you all know, I finished school quite a while ago for me but I thought I'd still cover it because it was sooooo momentous.

In this photo I was stressed to death because of exams, my relationship was falling apart and I was bullied by people I thought were my friends. I resented my peers for ignoring me for three years so I thought to show off my body (hence boobies).

This picture ignores the depressive episode and panic attacks I was having because I had to fake being okay. For one night I pretended that I wasn't upset at the entire world and that I gave a fuck about graduating even though I still had to study my arse off.

I'm wearing this dress from ASOS, earrings from Ishka that are no longer available and my red espadrilles (They were bought for this event and I am sorry for continually featuring them. I'll stop).

I resented all my relationships in this moment. I felt awful but showed up anyway both because I had to and because I knew if I didn't my world would begin to implode around me and my debilitating anxiety would creep in until I couldn't leave the house.

A major learning curve for me was that it's okay to feel angry or upset and not being able to do anything about it. Sometimes you have to ride your emotions out instead of 'cure' them. I will say that this outfit was ballsy for me but I actually felt really good in it and for once, my clothes weren't the reason for my anxiety, they actually helped make me feel a little better about everything. At least I graduated.

[niamhmackey]

(This should probably be a post about how you should enjoy high school because friendships, classes etcetera)I did it, after years of painstaking, anxiety inducing events I graduated high school. Look at the tired-as-shit and happy-as-fuck face on this gal.

Obviously high school fucking sucked for me because it sucks for everyone. This wasn't because of the trivial antics that are universal. I'm a teenage girl with anxiety, I'm a growing statistic and my brain was the culprit of my struggles throughout high school.

When I was fourteen I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder (I have since developed elements of other anxiety disorders). My mum drove me to school one day. I cried and couldn't get out the car. She took me to her work where I sat in a dark carpark for a few hours and went home. It wasn't a big deal because this would happen a few times a year. The next day the same thing happened and still, it wasn't a big deal. This happened for two weeks when I stopped getting ready for school altogether. My mother and I put it down to an anxious spell when I went back the first time.

I'll skip the daily screaming, crying, terrible relationship with food and tell you that this lasted the entirety of the 2012 school year. I didn't think I'd ever go back to normal and I definitely didn't think I'd go to school ever again. I hated the place. I hated how my teachers didn't acknowledge that I even had a mental illness. I hated that my friends didn't understand and I hated how my mum attempted to intervene and 'fix' me when I thought I was broken for good. 2013 was a great year for me because I managed to get myself back to school. I thought I was cured when in reality I was avoiding anything that made me feel something negative.

I moved schools in 2014 to somewhere I actually liked but things did not pick up for me as midway through the year I crashed, burned and my anxiety came back in full force. The same thing happened in 2015 where I was only able to do one of two Year 12 exams and so I had to repeat a subject.

This year I changed my attitude. I didn't care if I missed a week because of my weird brain. I decided to experience school for what it was and enjoy it. That was the best decision of my life. It wasn't perfect of course, things went wrong and the stress of my final year was immense but so many good things happened this year. I did all of my exams and am getting an English award on the 14th. I'm so proud of myself.

Back to clothing for a sec, my jumper is from Uniqlo, skirt from the op-shop, the espadrilles I don't take off my feet and these Asos earrings.

I thought this post was going to be about my relief at the end of my last exam but it was actually about my endurance and perseverance. I made it in spite of all the hiccups and roadblocks and many, many breakdowns. My mental illness didn't get the better of me when push actually came to shove.

In future posts I might go into detail about my life during these anxious episodes but for now, here's the basics from someone who isn't 'cured' but who has done what she thought was impossible.

[niamhmackey]

I became known for 'overdressing' at school because I didn't wear sportswear and I may have once accidentally worn a party outfit on just a regular Tuesday but the point still stands. Anyway, here is what I wore on a nice warm study day. You're probably thinking "How the fuck can you study in that?" good question. I don't know how I did it either but I still felt somewhat comfy.

The espadrilles have bouncy soles, the dress is actually a super lazy way to look put-together, hair up is practical and the bag is big and looks cute af. You can't see but I was wearing little red, dangly earrings. I've never been into the colour red until now but why not. Maybe it's a metaphor for my growing confidence? Doubtful.

Uh, I should probably write some pep talk about how you should wear whatever the fuck you want to school because who really cares right? No, it's difficult to wear things that other people might judge you for. It's not fun to have people stare at you because you look 'too dressed up' for the public school system. Nonetheless give it a shot, this outfit wasn't that ballsy for me but it was quite dressed up. I enjoyed myself. I looked good. It was okay.

[niamhmackey]

This was meant to be a post about taking a fashion risk and that it paid off because, well I felt great in this look.

Alas, whenever I think I've nipped my anxiety in the bud it surprises me. I was keen as a green bean to go to a friend's 18th. I arrived at the venue later than expected. I started to freak out which led to crying which led to me insisting that I'd made no progress on my mental health because "How can I be better if this is happening?"

This was a few days before my last day of high school forever, graduation and exams were closing in. I was also incredibly tired at this exact moment. My mum took me home no sweat and reminded me that everything is in fact okay. I spoke to my boyfriend who reassured and helped distract me.

Basically I tried and failed to keep my anxiety away for an evening and that's okay. There were some triggers that I ignored because I thought I could deal with them myself instead of work around them and that's okay too.

Anyway, I really liked this outfit and thought I should share it with you instead of completely discarding this post. Jacket from Asos (similar here), dress from H&M Coachella which I can't find anywhere, sorry :( and espadrilles from here. On the plus side I can wear this again and no one will know!

[niamhmackey]

My anxieties manifest towards dressing for school because I'm there five days a week. When going to parties I feel much freer in what I can wear perhaps because the dimmed lights give questionable outfits leeway, but if I'm around my friends I feel like I have to almost mimic what they're wearing because how else am I going to fit in? I don't want to be the person in the group that stands out. My party attire usually consists something I would have worn two years ago, and whilst that isn’t a bad thing it’s not the way I want to look. This first 18th I went to I was wearing one of my standard outfits: all black, puffy and basically everything I have come to resent.

Along with disliking the outfit I was actually really uncomfortable in it. I was pretending to be a version of myself from two years ago probably because if I'm being completely vulnerable I don't want to change or grow apart from my friends. Anxiety makes me feel terrified to grow as a person, to change any part of myself because it could go wrong even though many of these people have known me since I was eleven.

I saw this picture of Leandra Medine which gave me some inspiration for my next party: The wrap skirt was a dress-up I wore as a young child that I tucked a navy Uniqlo jumper into. I wore my RM Williams boots I got for my birthday and because it was cold added tights. Shockingly I felt very comfortable!The only thing I can attest my ease to is the fact that I modelled my outfit on something I had seen someone else wear who radiates clothing confidence. I've often been told to pretend to be a celebrity in order to feel more confident but it has never translated to clothing when in fact, it's the perfect opportunity to model yourself on someone. It doesn't feel like I'm changing any interior part of my being, just playing dress up. 

I don't wear what I want because my anxiety tells me I don't deserve to wear what I want. I decide I have no choice but to conform because I don't want to rock the boat or lose anyone I hold dear (even though nothing I wear will rock the boat). But, if I'm pretending to be another human I can trick my brain into believing I can wear anything. I've had a breakthrough.

[niamhmackey]

The last year of school is a huge deal, it's a bunch of students on the cusp of adulthood trying to figure out who they are and what they're 'destined' to do with their lives. A cliché but one all of my friends fit into. Arguably the most exciting part of the year is the formal and the most anticipated part of the night are the outfits - boys in suits, girls in floor length dresses all pretending to be more grown up than they actually are.

I designed my perfect dress in the middle of last year and hoped to get it made but then I found an almost exact copy online (minus the floral embroidery I had planned) which I got here but you can get cheaper here.

Call me pretentious but I didn't want to be another plain Jane, I wanted to wear something a little different to what I knew everyone else would be in. I didn't want a floor length dress, anything remotely bodycon, no super intense makeup, no fake tan – I could go on. I'm going to be completely honest and say I wanted to feel a little like Cinderella minus the Prince Charming.

When the dress arrived it was massive and my dreams of becoming a princess died just because I couldn't imagine it ever looking good. With two weeks until the formal we sent it off for altering and my nerves went through the roof. My glass slippers started off as plain, black strappy heels which you can get here. I bought some felt pompoms from Spotlight, grabbed some super glue and voila! I was scared shitless to wear this to the formal because I knew that no one else would have three layers of net under their outfit or brightly coloured spheres attached to their shoes but I accepted the weirdness and ran with it. I decided that I liked what I was wearing and that's all that really matters (just for one night).

It turns out I had a great time not because of what I was wearing but who I was with. I went from fearing the wrath of judgement to dancing like a drunk mum very quickly because I was surrounded by people who I knew wouldn't judge. Being able to let go came from the things that were external to me. As the clock struck eleven, we were ushered out. I was sad because this had genuinely been my night and I really didn't want that to end. I got what I had hoped for, I became Cinderella because I let myself be her, the normal girl just trying to have a fun night. I relaxed and enjoyed an event that a year ago would have sucked me into a black hole. This kinda lame Tumblr quote sums it up:

In short I hope that everyone who is afraid to wear something because they'll look 'different' decides to put it on just for one night in spite of their fears, regardless of who might be watching. That got really preachy.

[niamhmackey]

I know, anxiety about clothes, a really superficial problem but one that other people have (I mean take a look at this Reddit thread).

Hi, I'm Niamh (Neev) and I'll clue you in: I am in my last year of high school, I don't feel comfortable wearing any pair of pants that aren't black or skinny jeans, my hair is always a little frizzy (which is fine, just a bit of imagery for you) and the fear of looking 'bad' terrifies me as I'm sure it does many people. The thing is, I want to be a Barbie-esque fashionista with a little less hot pink all the time. I want that rush of leaving the house in something outrageous with the knowing confidence that people will be shocked without the anxiety that people will be judging me harshly (although they will of course). A difficult task but one I am willing to take on for the benefit of all.

At the risk of sounding like a second-rate investigative journalist - I am going to attempt to break out of my own very confined comfort zone.

Although I like my clothes I feel boring in them. Because of my anxiety I am afraid of any attention be it positive or negative. In the scheme of things, not wearing what I want shouldn't matter because my get-up doesn't affect my ability to exist. Despite this, I feel that what I wear is my identity, it's how I present myself to the world and my way of explaining who I am. Right now it doesn't represent me and that sucks. I don't wear what I want because I tell myself I don't deserve to, it'll look stupid, people will stare at me (and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and...)

This is how I typically dress:

From a less introspective and intense perspective I'm the epitome of normcore which isn't a bad thing but I'm over it. I should mention that it's Winter in the Southern hemisphere hence the coats and chunky knits.

In this first outfit I'm wearing a coat from Target that I've had since I was twelve, a striped jumper from Dotti that I got on sale last year, black skinny jeans that are really old from Jay Jays and Adidas Superstars (I'm wearing hoop earrings too incase you were wondering).

This is a practical outfit but I feel very hidden beneath the jacket.

I put this in for the lols and because I love cake. In this picture I'm wearing a navy Uniqlo jumper and some super reduced Cotton On mum jeans - I was probably wearing my Superstars again.

The thing is, I get compliments on my clothing from friends. Initially I thought this was because they saw confidence instead of the apathy that I actually feel towards how I dress but I now think they think I put more effort in because I wear skirts as much as pants and smart shoes instead of sneakers every day. I dress differently to them so I am fashion forward? Maybe?

I like this outfit the most. The turtleneck is from the men's section at the op-shop (not that it matters) originally from Sportscraft that has been shrunk in the wash for the umpteenth time. The skirt was another amazing find from the op-shop that is 90s Sportsgirl. I'm also in my RM Williams boots that I got for my birthday. Even though I love the turtleneck, sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a neckbrace or it makes me look bigger than I am. I'm going to try my best to tell everyone who I am through clothes without inducing a panic attack or as I like to call it Mission Impossible™. We'll see.