* / WRATH !

[dailyladylyrics]

we’re fucked up …

[scfiafm-deactivated20221012]

@nikolairas

[nikolairas]

nxtxlietx‌:

that she was nervous was an understatement ; and it wasn’t just because she was set up on a date with someone that wasn’t her fiance. if anything, nikolai was one of the few upper east siders that natalie genuinely didn’t have a problem with, but was she excited ? not in the slightest. frankly, she wanted to get this ‘date’ over with as fast as she could, especially because she had plans. the wedding was around the corner and while the organization was fully taken by her future mother-in-law, there were still a ton of things she needed to organize herself before the big day. for instance, her own health as of late, which was border lining weird at that point. she couldn’t remember the last time she felt so weird for no god damn reason, or when the sole smell of certain food ( that she usually liked ) would make her so nauseous. be as may, she wasn’t expecting for the subject to be brought up ; until it it within the first couple of seconds after arriving at their table. “news travel fast i see,” she couldn’t help but to comment, a small sigh leaving her before she offered him a small smile. “ —but thanks, i feel great now. i guess it was just a bad day,” she concluded, before taking a seat and finally looking around the place. unconventional as it may was, she liked it. “honestly, i’m relieved you picked this place because i’m so fed up with all the fancy restaurants i’m practically obligated to eat in these days. you can’t take brooklyn out of me no matter how hard people try,” she confessed, evidently getting a bit more relaxed in her seat as she took the menu in her hands to study all the various options she could have. suddenly, her appetite was off the rails, and she couldn’t wait to get something greasy. 

nikolai is glad his date is with natalie. after all, she’s also engaged, and that seemed to calm whatever jealous streak viv appeared to be developing. and he genuinely liked natalie, despite the awkwardness surrounding her split with kenny. “oh, good,” he says with a smile, “i’m glad it wasn’t something serious. gossip girl always seems to imply the absolute worst, i don’t know why i read the links that people send me.” not to mention that he can’t help but check for the fact that she might have the ammo to ruin his life. he surely hopes not. “yeah, i figured this doesn’t have to feel like a date date, you know? it can just be like two friends hanging out, catching up. it’s been a while since we’ve talked anyway,” he says with a smile. “i’m glad to hear that the upper east side isn’t changing you. it’s a ruthless place.” he studies his own menu, peering over it to examine her face. she’s relaxed, but there’s something about her that’s tense, something he can’t pinpoint exactly. he’s not sure whether it has to do with him, but he can only hope not. “how is all the wedding planning going?”

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

“the very same – i’m more of a strawberry kind of girl. melon is kind of boring. aesthetically pleasing but very simple in taste.” since when is she a flavor expert? she hopes she sobers up quickly before she continues spilling a bunch of weird shit. holding her hands up, she slightly laughs before she retorts, “sushi is great, don’t get me wrong. it’s just not… wedding appropriate. most people are looking for champagne cupcakes and crostinis and some sort of vegan variation now that it’s a huge thing,” she shrugs, “depends on your wedding’s theme too. i bet there have been people with navy blue decorations.” her tone is teasing and there’s the ghost of a smile in her lips. she’d rather make light of the entire situation than think about what could’ve been. what she did want to know, regardless, was if he was truly happy. he didn’t seem like it. “thank god viv isn’t the rancorous type, then.” she’s toying with the water bottle, unsure of what to say next. “well, i have hope that you’ll eventually figure out what’s best for you and your… little family, i guess.” if he doesn’t want to end up like his father, that is.

“oh really?” he nods, eyebrows raised as if he’s taking a mental note. “all of those things sound awfully boring,” nikolai laughs, “you know me, if i had the choice, i’d probably just order everyone a pizza and be done with it. although i guess that nixes the vegan option thing. i guess i could order a salad?” he aims to keep the conversation lighthearted, not really fond of talking about his wedding plans with her of all people. somehow, the fact that the wedding is fake and all for show makes it feel that much worse. after all, he’s nervous that she can see right through him in the way that she always has. “yeah, um, i’ll figure it out, i guess. most people seem to.” 

[nikolairas]

gcneviieve‌:

“that’s good to hear. i know he’s happy to help you,” viv replied with a genuine smile. at least he was getting along with her family which was always a comforting thought when things seemed bleak between them. the blonde took a moment to think of what she could bring up next. there was an air of awkwardness to her that she wasn’t used to and it was throwing her off. “so, i know it’s going to sound stupid, but what do you say to a game of twenty questions? and not like ‘oh what’s your favorite color’ but like deep questions. that could probably lead to something other than work to talk about.” 

“twenty questions?” he all but balks. the game reminds him of being in middle school, but in this case, he’ll try just about anything to make this work. even if it means playing a few games. “not gonna lie, it doesn’t sound smart, but yeah, i’m down to try it.” he leans forward, looking at her earnestly. “ask me whatever you want to know.”

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

“busy guy. i’ll make sure to send you a fruit arrangement instead. a business man has to stay healthy.” this is quickly going south for them and she’s already sobering up. she just hopes the rest of their talk remains unscathed. “you’d probably pick navy blue and grey for the decorations and have like… sushi for food and everyone would kill you. do i get an invite? let me know so i can already think of my outfit.” she’s obviously not the type of girl to do that and it’s obvious that she’s trying too hard to make a joke. would they have had a wedding? was their relationship strong enough to even get to that point? she’s not sure, in retrospect. there were too many secrets between them. “kid’s are annoying but in an endearing way. i’m sure you’ll like the baby when you meet them.” she reassures before shrugging. “there have been cases, niko. it’s more common than you’d think.”

“the ones with the melons shaped like flowers? oh, yeah. i love that shit,” he laughs, nodding, “i definitely wouldn’t say no.” he scoffs at her observation, but she’s not wrong. “hey!” he bristles, “what’s wrong with sushi? people love sushi, right?” nikolai shakes his head, “and navy blue is a great color. although maybe not for a wedding, you might be on to something there.” he looks over at her and tries to picture it, him at the front of the aisle and her in one of the pews. everything about the image feels wrong somehow, starting with the fact that he’s actually getting married. “yes,” he says, a little more quietly than he intends, “of course you’re invited.” it feels a little weird to say, but it’s true. “i do like kids, generally,” he says, “so you’re probably right about that.” he sighs at her admission. “i know there are cases. but none of them are good.”

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

madeline wonders what was the thing in her life that made her give so much, yet settle for so little. at times like these, she often wonders if her parents ever really loved her, because a person that was loved enough didn’t beg for love – not that she explicitly did but there’s no other way she can explain this. her and nikolai had started dating after a few parties and a spin the bottle dare. ever since then, their dating life had consisted of them hiding out at her place, walking until late in new york and then hearing from him two or three days later over text. still, when they were one on one, they had their sweet moments, however, some other times she felt more like a trophy. the perfect and sweet girlfriend that sits on the couch while her boyfriend gets shitfaced just so she can take him home and take care of him after. “fair enough.” her lips curve upwards but the smile isn’t quite there. “guess you’ll have to plan your birthday party as she organizes the wedding. i don’t think lucy or  genevieve’s mother will let any of you do much.” she jokes, going serious quickly at the change of his expression. “it’s okay if you’re not excited for it, you now. not everyone likes kids.” her voice is soothing. “your secret’s safe with me, you know?”

“i don’t have time for a birthday party,” he shakes his head. he’s never been much for those anyway. he’s always preferred something quiet, understated. he hates to be the center of attention, which is why he’s more than happy to allow this wedding to be all about genevieve. “i’m perfectly fine with stepping back for the wedding, i wouldn’t even know where to start with that kind of thing. i’d pick hideous colors and gen would kill me,” he laughs, “better to not risk it.” in another world, maybe he and madeline could have had a different story. but he’d spent too much time hiding things from her, namely the actions of his father. it was safer to keep her at arm’s length and away from that, and after fights with his father, he’d disappear for days. madeline didn’t nurse those bruises, and if she did, he only told her lies about them. he kept her away from his house as much as possible, and in retrospect, it probably gave her the wrong idea. “yeah, maybe, but i sure hope i like my kid, you know,” he says with a wry smile. “it’d be pretty bad for a father to not like his kid.”

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

she stares at nikolai in mock offense but the laugh that follows betrays her. “as if i have that many.” okay, maybe she’s a little offended. still, she doesn’t take it to heart. she has to remind herself that they’re just having a friendly chat and that this is all good natured teasing, right? it’s weird that they seem to have fallen into their old rhythm. she should hate him for leaving her but then again, she can’t. she doesn’t. there was too much going on in her life and a relationship, as much as they tried to make it work, wasn’t the help he really needed – but she believed in them. which is why she loved him as best as she could, until one day, things changed. “it’s a huge commitment, i mean, married at twenty-two is more of a baby boomer thing. no offense.” she says quickly. his next words don’t sit well with madeline. he seemed different. a more distant and cold nikolai. “yes, i guess they do… but really, that’s great for you. i hope it works out. same as the…” there’s a pause and she struggles to get it out. “the baby.”

sometimes, nikolai feels a twinge of regret for what happened. he pushed her away with little explanation, not wanting her to get caught up in his mess. it feels wrong, but in the end, he knew – he wasn’t good for her. she’d been good for him, of course, late nights tending bruises, laughter in central park. but as things escalated with his father, he’d only gotten worse at being good to her – god, he’ll never stop feeling guilty for the time he forgot her birthday. no, he never deserved her. “well, i guess i’m just old school,” he laughs, “though i’ll probably be twenty-three by the time my mom finishes all the planning. she’s reading everything she can get her hands on in preparation.” and that’s just like lucy. madeline knows it too. “yep,” he nods, swallowing thickly. he hates to think about that thing, and every time he thinks about it so inanimately, he feels even worse. it’s just not his and he’s still expected to be some sort of competent father. he’s not ready. “it’ll be great.”

[nikolairas]

gcneviieve‌:

a wave of relief washes over her once she sees that niko wasn’t mad and was actually laughing off the situation. “thank you,” viv sighed and shook off any remaining jitters from earlier. “okay date officially starts now.” truth be told she was actually excited for the chance to connect with nikolai and to really make this work. “it’s been a while since i’ve been on a date though so bear with me. so, i spent my day at the office catching up on launch details. what did your day consist of?” really? the best she could do was generic small talk? her fingers caught a stray strand of blonde hair and twirled it nervously.

“pretty much the same thing, that and trying to get the board to trust me with running a company at my age,” he says with a smile, “but you know all about the details of that. your father’s being a huge help.” nikolai wants desperately for something to be there between them, to feel excited about all of this – yes, he’s excited for the alone time with viv, something that seems rare, but he still can’t seem to get excited about the concept of them. it doesn’t help that she’s carrying someone else’s child. it’s a bit of a hurdle to get over. 

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

“i tried to delete the messages but they’d already gone through.” she laughs softly, sitting down in the counter chair. it’s been a while, since they’ve sit down and talked. usually their communication was reduced to hi’s and hello’s at events and the ocassional awkward text. however, sitting down here feels as normal as if they’d never parted ways. “it was fun before i called you a thick daddy,” she says, her expression going from mortified to entertained in a matter of seconds. as he speaks, she takes a sip from her water, her blue eyes focused on him, gauging his reaction. “i never really pegged you for the marriage type.” she comments and it’s true. ever since they dated, she knew that they weren’t going to get any further than that – not that it was a worry because they were so young back then. still, it’s a bit stingy that he’s about to get married and she can’t even go on a date with someone she truly likes. “you don’t sound too sure,” she calls out. it’s always been like madeline to sense if something’s up with nikolai. not that he’d ever admit it to her, of course. “or is it just the nerves?”

“still fun for me,” he laughs, “though i’m sure you tell that to all your exes.” he finds a seat on the couch because something tells him that he’ll be here for a while. it may not be totally normal to catch up with your ex after an encounter like this, but he and madeline aren’t traditional. their relationship meant a lot to him and it still does – it was everything he needed as an angsty teenager, looking for someone to show him what that kind of love meant. that it existed further than arranged marriages and fights at the dinner table. “i never really pegged myself either,” he still doesn’t. but it’s no surprise madeline says that considering how vocal he’s always been about hating the concept of marriage. “but people change, right?” he shrugs. “probably. i mean, how could i not be? i mean, excited too, of course. that’s where the nerves come in.” 

[nikolairas]

gcneviieve‌:

the minutes it took to get from her office to niko felt like an eternity. red lights and stop signs were the bane of her existence and the longer it took the more she worried niko wouldn’t forgive her. hardly waiting for the car to come to a complete stop viv discarded her work things to the side and had them taken home. hastily she rushed into the restaurant and spotted nikolai towards the back. she smoothed down her hair and attempted to not look as frazzled as she was feeling. “i am so, so ,so, so sorry,” she began, coming up to the table and taking a seat. “the time just got away from me and i promise i didn’t mean to make you wait. i’m the worst fiance ever.” the twinge of guilt was nagging in her chest as her mind kept wondering how she would’ve felt if he was the one who was late. “i can’t believe i’m already ruining our first date,” viv muttered and took a sip of the water already on the table. 

she bursts in the door and he can tell she’s been rushing. that in itself is a relief, to know that she’s actually cared and never intended to blow him off. but still, he knows he’s not her priority – just like she isn’t his. “it’s fine,” he laughs, “i was only waiting a minute, don’t worry.” nikolai flashes a smile at the waiter as if to say i told you so. “don’t forget me next time though, i might cry about it,” he warns jokingly. “stop, it’s not ruined unless we let it. the date starts right now, not five minutes ago. in that case, you’re not late at all. just relax for once, okay? it’s just us.” 

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

nikolai was one of those people that remind her of her old life. the present is obviously a continuation of the past but she seems to have left many things behind - not him. as much as her heart aches when she remembers how it all went down, she still appreciates him. she would do anything for him, really. “although i think it makes for a great joke, i don’t wanna cringe everytime i say it.” she exhales a breath she didn’t know she was holding and allows herself to relax in his presence. they know each other, or at least they used to. it should be fine. “i think i went too hard on the coconut rum but it was a present. how could i say no?” she squeaks, almost. “so… thanks for coming,” she says, “congratulations on your engagement!” she’s walks over to the kitchen and opens the fridge, pulling out two bottles of water and handing one to him. “are you excited?”

“that’s exactly why i won’t let you forget it,” he teases. it feels weird to joke like nothing’s changed, like they’re the same people they once were when the opposite couldn’t be more true. of course, he doesn’t forget the reasons he pushed her away – as things got worse at home, he felt like he was hiding things from her more and more often. it didn’t make for a healthy relationship. in the end, when he turned down his harvard acceptance and chose to stay in town and go to columbia, their breakup had already been certain. and yet, despite their history, he doesn’t feel on edge around her. he still trusts her. “alright, i’m not blaming you for anything. as long as you’re having fun,” he teases. “but um, thanks. yeah, it’s definitely a big step – it has me nervous, but i’m definitely excited too.” he couldn’t be dreading it more. 

[gcneviieve]

viv had finally managed to make it to the office between her horrible morning sickness and her mother berating her about wedding details. the launch was only a few months away and she felt completely overwhelmed with everything. having spent the day working away to catch up she didn’t even notice the time. “shit, abby i need to go!” she called to secretary and gathered her things hastily and making a mini sprint to the elevator. “i’ll call you tomorrow, just leave everything how it is.” she bounced impatiently inside once it arrived and rushed towards the town car. her and niko finally seemed to be working past their issues and she was about to be late to their date. ‘got held up at the office but i’m in the car on my way. i’m sorry xo’ viv quickly typed and sent to her fiance as the driver sped as fast as he could to the restaurant. // @nikolairas

[nikolairas]

nikolai’s been waiting at the restaurant for what feels like forever. it probably isn’t normal to be this nervous, but with each passing second, he wonders – is she standing him up? can you get stood up by your fiance? after a moment, his phone buzzes and he sees her text, breathing a sigh of relief. she really did want to do this, at least, she made it seem like it. he’s made a pact with himself not to ask about sebastian, because tonight is about getting to know each other, but it’s eating away at him. what’s going on? is there anything? ‘alright, see you soon’ he texts back, shooting an awkward smile and nod at the waiter, who keeps pacing back to the table. “she’s on her way,” nikolai says for the umpteenth time, only earning sympathetic smiles from the staff. was this what it would always be like?

[nikolairas]

nilscns‌:

having niko in front of her is awakening a lot of things inside of her and she hopes, much like cady heron, that the nauseous feeling she has is word vomit and not actual vomit. “i… it’s from a youtube video?” she tries, looking down in embarrassment. “yeah. everything is just great. you wanna come in? i have more alcohol inside and like, sparkling water. some ice cream. my dignity.”

there’s something about madeline that has always made him feel safe. of course, he’s a much different person now than he was when they met – she used to shoulder all of the terrible things he did with a smile, tell him it was alright. something tells him that it would be different now, if she knew everything. “right,” he grins, joking, “well, you can keep calling me it anyway, if you want. makes me feel pretty sexy.” he’s a bit surprised when she invites him in, although he knows he shouldn’t be. she’s too polite not to. “more alcohol might be the last thing you need,” he says, stepping inside after her. “i don’t think i can encourage that in good conscious.” 

[fuzings-deactivated20221106]

@nikolairas​

she stares blankly at her phone, regretting the texts as soon as she sent them. this is why she never keeps it on her when she drinks, knowing she’ll probably end up texting the wrong thing to the wrong person - or even worse, texting someone who she shouldn’t be texting in the first place. frantically googling how to stop a message from getting through, the knock on her door startles her and she’s afraid of what or rather who’s behind the door. stumbling over to it, she pulls it open slightly, awkward smile on her features. “hey. sorry for making you come, it was… an accident.”

[nikolairas]

he knows she’s drunk as soon as he gets the messages. they’re enough to make him smile to himself, but he also feels the need to go check on her. and, also she’s said come over and he can’t really say not to madeline. that’s never been his forte. “i don’t know, give me a nickname like that and i’m not about to say no,” he teases, winking at her. “everything good?”

[nikolairas]

hcnnxh-m‌:

“okay,” she responded, everything he was saying was taking her back. she shouldn’t have tried anything, she shouldn’t have tried a friendship, this was all just so stupid. he didn’t mean anything he had said, all of this was fake. maybe that’s what she needed to finally let go, to stop some of the feelings that were weirdly surrounding him, knowing he didn’t mean any of it. “that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get,” forcing a small smile to save face. “i’m sorry i gave you anything different, i’m sorry i did or said anything, we can do that.” what was she supposed to say? no? this was an official end to all the drama that was surrounding them, she knew they were never going to be best friends like they used to, he’d just be her boyfriend’s friend. they’d be civil in passing and she would never bother him again, just how it was supposed to be.

he can feel her letting go and he has to try hard to remind himself that this is what he wants. he wants her to push him away, to forget all about him. that way, he’ll never have to face the reality of her discovering who he truly is, what he’s like, and what he’s done. the memory of him is much more pleasant than the reality anyway. “good,” he says, “thanks, i appreciate that.” he can feel her last-ditch attempt to make him feel guilty, but he ignores it. he’s not going to break, not when all of this rests on something so important. “see you later, hannah,” he smiles, waves. “tell sebastian hey from me. hope to catch him later.”

[nikolairas]

crespocynthia‌:

Unsure of how to react to his words, Cynthia simply cleared her throat to begin with. “You’re not exactly selling your case here Nikky.” She let out a dry laugh. It was confusing really, how she felt about it all. She wanted him to be tormented by guilt but now that it was occurring, it didn’t feel as satisfying as she’d hoped. “For the record, I don’t hate you directly. I hate what you did—or didn’t do I guess—and I hate that being around you reminds me of terrible things, but I don’t hate you. I’m disappointed and frustrated, that’s all.” She explained quietly, as if it were a secret she was never meant to tell. “Iced sugar water’s a natural remedy, not a cure all. It’s purpose is to calm the nerves and make you less…jumpy. Don’t you know anything?”

“then it’s probably best that we aren’t around each other, isn’t it? so that i don’t remind you,” he says, not meeting her eyes. “but if you hate all of that, then why approach me? why try to drill me about my fears when you could just walk in the other direction?” there’s no relief that she doesn’t hate him, because it doesn’t seem to change anything. there’s still the same rift between them, and that’s something that won’t be changed by any amount of apology. “that sounds totally fake,” he says, shaking his head, “definitely an old wives tale, cyn.”

[nikolairas]

hcnnxh-m‌:

“you didn’t want to tell me that you knocked some girl up? spoiler alert, i was going to find out anyway, it’s kind of hard with how much she’s posting about it.” with a sigh, finally looking over at him, “i want you to tell me everything, i hate the situation we’re in.” cause truth be told, no matter how mad she was, she couldn’t control herself around him either. “thank you, cause i’m scared he’ll run off again, then i’m back to where i started,” an unloved, dumb, blonde with too many personal issues. with her eyebrows furrowing as soon as the laughter escaped him, “what do you want me to do?” she knew if he had the opportunity, he’d leave her side in a heartbeat. “cause we’re sucking at this so far, especially when half the time you tell me you love me, remember this remember that, and then i bring up something, as petty as it is, and you just stomp all over it. i just need to know, what do you want from me? cause no matter what i do, i’m pissing you off.”

“there’s nothing else to say, hannah,” he says, “i’ve told you everything.” he hates the situation they’re in too. he’s brought it on himself, of course, but it seems like they can’t see each other in passing without fighting in some capacity. what do you want? he’s a bit taken aback when she asks that. no one does, really. he goes with the flow, especially now, taking directions from whoever gives them. no one asks him what he’d like to happen. but even now, even when she says that, she’s still putting words in his mouth, expecting something from him. “I said it once and i didn’t mean it like that,” he replies, “and i never said remember this, remember that.” his arms fall to his sides, vulnerable as he prepares to answer her question. “for us to stop talking about this serious stuff,” he says. they used to, all the time, but maybe they aren’t those kind of friends any more. “just normal, regular stuff. we can just be friendly.” because if he has to stomach a conversation like this with her ever again, he might just lose it. previously, he’d been so tempted to go near her, but as she speaks now, all he wants to do is run.