Nila'sJournal

plan, design, paint and repeat #army instagram: nilasdiary https://www.etsy.com/people/atolyenila

[prettystuff]

[deeplifequotes]

Change is good…

[cwote]

you are allowed to feel whatever you want. never apologize for expressing yourself

[cwote]

You are beautiful :))

[peachygoghh]

Welcome to my slowly-growing art studio space! IG:peachy_gogh

[cwote]

You’re not broken. Life has made of you a puzzle. A beautiful work of art that takes time, patience and skill to put together but in the end is worth every effort.

[nilaningunlugu]

view.

[gogh-save-the-bees]

[cwote]

self love is not selfish

[nilaningunlugu]

Log 2-

Lately feeling a bit better. I guess I am kinda getting into depression. Bcz I don't want to do anything, dont want to wake up, dont want to get up from the bad. Even I dont want to paint. This is the worst case scenario for me. Few days before my bff came. And we did talk. But couldn't said anything about the feelings. Bcz even I wasn't sure. But today I am sure. Hopefully this time passes quickly.

Hopefully.

[the-beauty-to-remember]

[nilaningunlugu]

Log -1-

Hi. After now, I'll write a log. Not daily. But for my feelings. I tried to write it down so many times. In notebooks. In my language. But there was always a scare. "What will happen if someone reads it." That why I couldn't write down my own and real feelings.

And I am done with that.

Maybe my language will be wrong. I don't know. English is not my first language. So there could be some mistakes. But actually I don't care. Bcz I'll write my feelings for me. Not for anybody else. And I'll write it in English bcz no one that I know can't understand/use this platform.

So. Let's start.

- today is my birthday. I am 22 now. I did get so many messages about it. That is nice. I do feel grate about it. And I did feel the love through that congratulation messages. But.. But I did not get any gifts. Normally I really don't care that. No one have to give me any gifts. Really. But even not my family. Even they did not give me nothing for my birthday. And it did hurt. I try to act cool about it. We did go places. We did ate dinner together at out of home. (Which normally we wont). But still today was my birthday. I would be so happy about it. I did wait for a little gift for whole day. Whole day. Yes I know this is wrong. Waiting for a gift is wrong. There are people with no family, no friends and no one. But I just can't hold it back. I act happy whole day. Wear a mask with a smile. Normally I hate doing that, wearing mask. But today I have to. And I did hate myself. Hate my self bcz I wait for a gift and cry for a gift. But it did hurt me.

And I still cry for that fucking gift.

Welcome 22.

So happy about you.

[anxietyproblem]

[badsciencejokes]

…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

[blackheartseverywhere]

I hope you all can read this and remember to be kind

[the-quiet-priestess]

The smallest of gestures can save a life. My Mum answered her phone when I called and I am alive today because of that.

[badsciencejokes]

I’m glad you’re here.

It’s a phone call, a milkshake, a friend.

[badsciencejokes]

I feel like I shouldn’t keep reblogging this but when I do more people see what kindness can do…. I don’t know. Love everyone as yourself.

[nunyabizni]

Nah, keep rebloging it. It gives hope.

[evilerthanthou]

walked sobbing around a city once wearing a summer dress in mid-september thunder and rain. basically dragged myself into LUSH as the smell of the store always made me smile. the shop was empty and dead due to the weather, just this blonde short woman behind the counter who smiled at me. i stared at her feet and asked ‘do you have anything for people who are scared a lot?’ (i was so out of it i had no clue). she showed me two bath bombs, one pink and one blue, and said both were good - i chose the pink, paid for it and left. i then sat at a bus stop clutching the LUSH bag in one arm and my prescription meds in the other - i’d lied and ordered a refill so i could just drift away with sleeping pills. when the bus arrived and i was out of the rain, i decided to have another look at my bath bomb, smell it and what not. opened my bag and saw she’d put the blue one in there for me as well and written on the receipt ‘feel better soon :) hope you like x’. 

no one had ever been so selflessly kind to me before, i didn’t know what to do with it except hang around long enough to use the other bath bomb. 

[maggie-stiefvater-deactivated20]

Actually I’m going to reblog this again because of the truth of the inverse: think of any time you have been casually cruel or petty to someone for humor or because you weren’t in a great mood. 

The power of small gestures goes both ways.

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

a gentle reminder that you aren’t a disappointment. you aren’t a failure. no one knows how hard u try and you’re doing so well. you deserve so much better.

[mmerise]

[deeplifequotes]

“Don’t compare yourself with other people, compare yourself with who you were yesterday.”

— Jordan Peterson

[cwote]

stay true to yourself :))