Nixon Bleu

Nixon Bleu || 17 Years || Lost Boy

[nixonbleu-blog]

Hey everyone, please read <3

Hey guys. 

I'm leaving TFC. I basically haven't been around for all of 2014 anyway, but I kept having the hope that I would have time to invest in this wonderful site again. But I haven't, and that's okay. I've been making friends and doing wonderful things and going on adventures but it's still really hard to not be on here because I adore all of you and I still plan on keeping in touch, and frankly- these characters are my babies. It's really hard for me to quit anything, especially something I've been apart of for two and a half years. But I think it's time I go. It's my last semester and I need to do my very best.

I would love to one on one with you guys if you're still interested in writing with me. We can do this over aim or email, I can keep up with a couple characters but with this entire group I don't have enough time to figure out what's happened with everyone and when, so I'm pulling back. 

You guys are really fantastic and I love you all and I hope you continue to write and have a great time! <3 You're all insanely talented. If you ever write books (which you all should), send me a message so I can design the cover and read it before anyone else :D

I love you all, take care <3

-Rena

[arinmelnikov]

  I don’t know, Nixon. All I know is I’m tired of seeing your fucking face around here, your voice makes me want to stab myself, and you’re the most pathetic person I’ve ever met.

I don’t need you here, and neither does anyone in my gang. So stop. Fucking. Asking.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Then why do you let me stay? 

[arinmelnikov]

  Ain’t nothing around here needs doing. Not by you, anyways.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Arin. You've given me no tasks. It's been seven months. I haven't exploded yet, don't you think if I were going to explode it would have happened already? 

[arinmelnikov]

I'm bored. Let's do something

… Do I look like I fucking have time for that kinda shit?

[nixonbleu-blog]

Yes?... No, probably not.

Then give me something useful to do.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  If you want to go, you can go, that was a low blow. Because he had to. But he didn’t want to. And Nixon knew that. And he held his finger which made the whole pulling apart less effective. And even Tabby seemed to want him to stay. Shit.

"Just for this time…" he half stated half asked now understanding the friends with benefits thing a bit better. Jared let go of his finger to hold his hand tight as he let his bag drop to the floor. "Friends hang out… you smart treacherous lost boy." He repeated finding the tone he used funny. Or was it the innocence and at the same time boldness in Nixon’s eyes? Whatever. He moved closer grabbing Nixon’s head with his free hand. As a goodbye. Just one last time. He whispered mostly for himself.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon smirked when the other called him 'treacherous'. "Oh I'm just that." He agreed. When Jared pulled closer, Nixon took the inch and ran a mile. He closed the distance between the two of them and pressed his lips firmly against Jared's. He was more forward, already climbing onto the bed more so he could get closer to Jared and close the distance. He could hear Tabby let out an unhappy meow because they were no longer paying attention to her. He ignored her, he would love on her later.

"Just for this time?" He finally asked when he broke the kiss, but he kept his lips painfully close to Jared, taunting him.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  "Staying would automatically invalidate all the let’s just be friends try to stay away from each other deal…” He managed to say while feeling Nixon’s eyes on him. He knew he was confusing Nixon acting all incoherently but Jared himself was confused as hell, and he was finding out he had been right all along. He wasn’t strong around Nixon, all his will power seemed to vanish when the lost boy opened his mouth. And he hated it.

That’s why he didn’t move, he was unable to find an argument powerful enough to make him turn around and leave that room. In that exact moment not even Nixon’s scar and all the guilt it made him feel seemed good enough reason to walk away, so he was begging for him to have the sense to do the right thing. “And you should go- help…someone.” 

[nixonbleu-blog]

"Friends hang out." Nixon pointed out, he hadn't realized how lonely he'd been until the attention was there. He had missed it, missing being noticed or talked too. Or simply, touched. 

Nixon reached and gently hooked his finger around Jared's finger but he stayed pulled back, not initiating another kiss. "If you want to go, then you can go." He said quietly, his eyes on Tabby who was rubbing against Jared's leg for attention.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  He didn’t hear Nixon’s plea, and maybe it was for the better. It would only start the same argument again, none of them would give in and he would leave angry and mad at himself once again. He could feel Nixon arm almost brushing his but since Nixon didn’t mind he didn’t move, a shy smile still on his face. 

He turned his face to the violin case when Nixon pointed at it. “I see that.” He answered looking at the duffle bag on the floor.”I better get going then, I bet you guys still have a lot to do around here.” Jared stood up grabbing his bag from the bed biting his lip avoiding to look at Nixon, as if he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to leave if Nixon looked at him with those puppy eyes of his again. Don’t do it Jared, don’t do it he told himself on his way to the door. Don’t fucking dare, don’t do it he kept repeating to himself as he stepped back. He clenched his jaw for a second putting those thoughts aside and softly grabbed Nixon’s head, pressing his body against the lost boy’s as he kissed him. Soft and tenderly at first, more eagerly and passionately after the first second. “Be careful, please. Be safe.” He begged breaking the kiss so he could breathe. 

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon saw Jared's eyes go to his violin case and he bit his lip. He'd been aching to play his instrument, he knew it brought him peace. One of the few things in this world that did, but he struggled so much with it. And it didn't make him feel sad as much as it made him feel empty, like a piece of him was missing. Something even more deep than his memories. His eyes moved from the violin back to Jared who was already standing. He was going to say something, but he didn't have time to think of what before Jared was kissing him. He immediately melded into the familiar feeling and leaned into the kiss. He returned each bit of intensity and when Jared pulled back he whimpered, just slightly at the loss of the touch. Nixon's eyes met Jared's, and he stared for longer than a couple of seconds. 

"You don't have to go, not just yet, you know." He whispered, barely audible.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  "Can’t you just… shut up and listen for a second." He asked with a smile as Nixon kept interrupting him. He had missed that. He missed the cute way he used to run his hand through his head. He missed so many little things. "Fine." He repeated after Nixon.

"I’m sorry I almost got you killed." He replied wrinkling his nose. It felt nice, just staying there, sat in the bed as they used to. He smirked remembering the good times. How Nixon liked teasing him and how he had found all of the lost boy’s sweet spots. In that same bed. He shook his head turning to Nixon when he felt his eyes on him, not realizing how close they were. "Don’t you have to… pack, or something?

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon obeyed and shut up, but the fact that Jared said so with a smile helped him relax a little. He'd always had a problem with knowing when to stop talking. It wasn't that he talked a lot, just that he talked at uninvited times.

Nixon had found himself looking at Jared's hands, his thoughts running at the way they felt when he held them and how they framed around the boy's camera. He'd always loved how he held the camera, something small and delicate. His eyes snapped back to Jared's face, his train of thought disappearing as fast as it had appeared. "It's not your fault." He whispered, but this time it was barely heard. A plea. He wanted Jared to forgive himself more than anything. 

Nixon wasn't bothered by the lack of space between them, maybe he just wasn't good at boundaries, real or imaginary. But he didn't move back, didn't want too. "Already packed." He gestured to his violin case and duffle bag. He didn't have much else to take. "I lead a simple life." He joked.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  Jared stayed still until Nixon stopped talking. Listening, considering his options and slowly giving in. He stepped forward and sat on the bed next to Nixon, looking at the wall in front of him instead of at the lost boy. “I don’t want to. But I don’t need help either. I’ve worked so hard to convince myself I’m doing the right thing…I’m not going back now.” He answered.

However Nixon was right. He was there, and he was wasting their time together. “I didn’t come here to fight, and you’re leaving soon so you win. Kind of.” He said turning his head to look at him. “Here are the terms. I don’t push you away, but we can’t be together. If someone asks you, you don’t know me.” He knew the government was training more and more people to infiltrate the gangs and spy on them so he couldn’t risk it. “You want me to help you go back to your old self, fine, I’m all for it but the second I feel something’s wrong or my father… someone links you to me I want you miles away from me.” Jared said still looking at Nixon.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon looked down at his hands, they were trembling. A tremor that hadn't gone away since he woke up last winter. His eyes moved from the ground to Jared as he spoke. "It's not about winning or loosing." He muttered under his breath with a roll of his eyes. Though he tried to hold his tongue for the rest of Jared's speaking, it didn't last. "Terms? What are we, a contract?" But he shut up then, finally holding his tongue as he listened. He sighed a bit, running a hand through his hair but he nodded. "Yes, fine." 

Nixon turned to him, eyes taking him in. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  "Yes, you are." He answered raising his voice just a little bit. "I really thought I could do this. But I guess I’m not strong enough, so I was counting on you hating me, or at least being smart enough to know what was best for you." He let his hands drop when Nixon stepped back. 

"You want to remember, fill the gaps… and I want to forget Nix." He wanted to go back in time. Go back to those days where he didn’t dream about Nixon’s cold dead body on the floor every fucking night. Even now knowing that he was alive he was killed over and over in his nightmares, and Jared watched it happen, every night. "It all goes back to the same, me. Me being a selfish prick. Until I find a way to ki… deal with my father we just- we have to-" He shut up biting his lip, listening to Nixon. "What’d your plan be anyway… act like nothing happened? Like everything’s alright?" Asked stepping forward opening his arms wide for a second before dropping them again.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon clenched his fists, because now punching Jared seemed like a solution that would, if not anything else, make him feel remotely better. He rolled his yes, shaking his head as Jared spoke. It was all a facade to keep the amount of pain he felt by the comment of wanting to forget. Nixon had forgotten. He never wanted to forget, good or bad. He hated it, he hated what happened to him. 

"Of course not!" Nixon said and threw his arms up in exasperation before he went and sat on his bed, putting his head in his hands. "It doesn't work that way Jared. Despite being brain damaged, I know that much." He let out a sigh and let his hands drop from his face. He leaned over, arms resting on his legs before he finally turned his head up in such a manner it appeared Nixon's body weighed a ton. "But let me help you work through it. You clearly don't want to stay away from me. You're here. Right now. So just stop with your bullshit, jack ass routine you have to push me away. "

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  Jared shook his head when Nixon pulled him closer. “You still don’t get it… it’s not about pushing you away from me, it’s about me staying away from you.” He wasn’t sure if he had made sense, but in his head it all sounded reasonable. “I’ve been an asshole to you since you came back anyway, you should’ve- punched me or something a long time ago.” 

However, as hard as he was trying to reject each and every one of Nixon’s arguments he wrapped his arms around his hips. “I’m gonna walk out that door… sooner or later” He said realizing Nixon wasn’t letting him loose. “And you’re making it too complicated for me right now.” Jared said.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon shook his head then, his arms dropping a little as he took a slight step back. "Stop staying away from me." He said, and for the first time emotion could be heard through his voice. He flinched at his own realization of it and he let his arms drop, not moving away from Jared but his eyes casting down. "It wouldn't have done any good. To punch you, I mean." He muttered.

"I would rather you didn't." Nixon said stubbornly, his eyes still not casting up from the floor. The last comment made his eyes snap straight up to Jared's. "I'm making it too complicated for you?! You left me. You left me alone after I came back. You pushed me away and made me deal with all of this-" He gestured to his head. "by myself! I tried to piece it all together my self but there were things missing. Things that you could have helped me put together. And I couldn't even pla-" He stopped himself, sighing and letting his arms drop. He couldn't even play his violin to calm his nerves anymore.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  He let Nixon lift his face, meeting his eyes. “I have to.” He answered with a shrug. He didn’t want to but he had to, there was no other choice. He raised his arm, brushing Nixon’s cheek with his fingers. If he was going to allow himself one moment of weakness that was it. “I just didn’t think it’d be so fuckin’ hard…” Jared confessed.

"Maybe it’ll be for the better that you’re leaving." He said. "You’ll be safer… wherever the hell you’re going and…" Away from me. He thought. "You know where I live anyway if something goes wrong or-whatever." He reminded him. "As a last option." He knew he was rambling but Nixon was too close and he was loosing all his will power.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon let his eyes flutter closed when he felt Jared's hands against his cheek. He sucked in a sharp breath and finally forced his eyes to be open. "It's hard." he admitted, quietly. His eyes moved to look at Jared, watching every small movement and trying to read them. He knew he used to be able too.

"Don't say that." Nixon said wtih a sigh, he was tired of people thinking it was better when he wasn't around. It hurt, each time, if he didn't feel it then he would feel it later. Jared started to ramble, it was complete bullshit but Nixon couldn't help but smirk some, his arms wrapping around Jared's neck to pull him closer. "Please stop pushing me away. You're all I have."

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  He waited for Nixon to finish talking and turned around, standing so close to him he could feel his heat. He told himself he was only staying because the lost boy was leaving but deep inside he knew it wasn’t true. “I miss you.·He simply said. “I do, you have no idea how much but please try to understand me Nix…” He said miming Nixon and licking his lips. “Right now you’re the only thing my father has to use against me… and he will use you if he has the chance. I can’t… I just can’t…” He spilled out finishing almost in a whisper.

He glanced down feeling Nixon’s arm grabbing him but didn’t make a move. Instead he bit his tongue so hard he could almost taste blood and let his head fall forward, his hair covering his eyes.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon watched him and he held his breath as he listened. He didn't want to see Jared hurting, he never did. Even after everything, and all the fuzzy memories, he knew Jared. He could see the other wasn't okay, and when his eyes fell to the ground and his hair covered his eyes, Nixon reached up and gently moved his hair out of his face. "You can't live your life like that." He whispered, moving Jared's head so that his eyes would be closer to meeting Nixon's. Then he maneuvered so that Jared had to look at him. "Jared," He sighed.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  He didn’t need a reminder of how bad he had fucked up everything. He was trying to convince himself he was winning the war against himself, but he wasn’t. As much as he tried to stay away he always found a reason not to and he was running out of excuses.

Why was he there, good question. Jared turned his head, looking to the wall instead of facing Nixon. “I don’t know.” He answered. “I thought I may not see you for god knows how much and I-I…” He shut up clenching his jaw and looked at Nixon, getting a glimpse of the boy he loved before averting his eyes and speaking again. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have come here I’m only making everything worst.” He said turning around.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon watched him, he could see the pain flash on his face and then his back was turned to him. "Jared," He sighed, standing up and reaching out to grab his arm to stop him. "I wasn't asking so you could turn around and leave, I just didn't know why." Nixon bit his lip, trying not to show how electrifying it was even to just gently touch Jared.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  He closed the door behind him, unzipping his jacket as he gathered the courage to raise his eyes from the ground. It was funny and ironic how he didn’t hesitate in killing two agents in cold blood but was afraid to look Nixon in the eyes. “Yeah sorry, I wasn’t going to bother you I really wasn’t… but I read Arin’s message.” He answered going straight to the point. The least time he spent at the tree the better for everybody, he knew he wasn’t welcomed there anymore. The only way he had been able to sneak into the tree house without being seen was because once he earned their trust the kids taught him one of their secrets paths into their home.

"You’re leaving." Half asked half stated involuntarily moving closer kinda expecting him to deny it, which was selfish as hell taking into account he was the one who told him he didn’t want to see him anymore. Good job Jared.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon cocked his head to the side a little, "You're the one who didn't want to come back." He reminded him. And for the first time, he sounded slightly bitter. He winced a little and shook his head. "Sorry." He said and Tabby jumped up to go see Jared.

"Yeah. We all are." Nixon said, his eyes cast to his hands. He fiddled with his shirt some, unable to look up. "I don't know where we're going. And I don't know if they're not telling me because they don't want me to know or if they don't know." Nixon finally met Jared's eyes. "Why are you here?" He asked, getting to the point. He was tired of beating around the bush.

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

[jaredrixon-tfc]

  Fucking awesome. He took a deep breath for a second time and slowly opened the door. “Hey.” Said without moving from his spot. “Can I come in?” Asked still holding the doorknob. The room was exactly as he remembered even after all that time, which somehow made him feel more comfortable. They had spent so much time locked up in there he could swear if they looked, they would find some of his things around.

Jared saw the violin case and couldn’t hide a shy smile, memories flooding his mind. Did Nixon even remember he was the one who gave it to him? Jared wasn’t sure if his memory had improved or if he still had gaps, since all they had done was fight. Or how far back in time did those gaps go. Note to self, ask about it later. He heard footsteps near him and stepped forward a little bit trying to read Nixon’s face, waiting.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon blinked when he heard Jared's voice, he hadn't been expecting him. And even when he stood there in the doorway, he looked confused for a moment as his brain processed everything. "Hey," He finally answered, his eyes looking over Jared quickly to make sure he wasn't hurt. He couldn't help but receive an awful feeling in his gut. 

His eyes moved to the violin following Jared's. No one knew he couldn't really play anymore. No one knew a lot of things. "Yeah, come in. What's up?" He asked curiously. "I- I didn't expect to see you here."

[jaredrixon-tfc]

Ashen faces in cold breeze || Nixon & Jared

it was a matter of time before those damned helicopters spotted someone. He just didn’t think they would find a hideout. Jared wasn’t sure if by the time Arin sent the text message they had already moved out or not, but anyway he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t at least try to find Nixon before they left the tree forever. Without any idea about the excuse he would tell him for turning up without a warning he left the station, deciding it was better to walk all the way there instead of taking the car, it was too risky.

He didn’t regret the way he acted last time they saw each other. It was the right thing to do even if Nixon didn’t agree, which didn’t mean it was what he wanted to do. It simply meant he had chosen to ignore his feelings for what he thought was a greater good. Still he knew he had hurt Nixon and that the lost boy had the right to send him to hell. Jared was just hoping Nixon would be a better person than he was. He avoided open spaces and clearings just in case, which made the trip to the woods take a bit longer than usual. Praying to find Nixon outside he slowed down glancing around when he got closer. He heard people talking near him but Nixon wasn’t there, he could recognize his voice anywhere. At least they were still there. On the other hand sadly that meant he would have to climb up the tree and search for him. Shit. 

He shifted from one foot to another in front of his door, seriously considering to turn around and leave before anyone saw him. Fuck it, I’m already there, thought as he knocked two times.

[nixonbleu-blog]

Nixon understood why they were leaving, but he couldn't help but feel sad. The tree held the few good memories he had. He didn't want to have those tainted. But they were, they were slowly turning black. He packed his bag, only the essentials, right? He had his violin and a small nap sack of clothes and Tabby was sitting on his lap, purring and nudging her head against his hand to get him to pet her. He was surprised the cat even payed him any attention, after being gone so long. Turned out the cat gave him more attention than anyone in the tree.

He thought about leaving, they didn't trust him. But he couldn't bare it. There was only so much he could give up, the lost boys wasn't one of them. He sighed, his violin case was open and he stared at the instrument. He thought about picking it up, but before he made a decision he heard a knock on his door and he glanced at it curiously. "It's unlocked."