so i’m patient, you’re learning, pretend it’s not hurting / ‘cause they say it’s a virtue to not let good love slip away / so, i’m cool and forgiving, i’ll take what you’re giving / but nothing’s quite enough when i know that to get it i begged - olivia rodrigo | begged
i’ve always been the kind of person who loves with the intention to stay. i never liked the idea of being with different men, mainly because i do not trust men enough to trust that many. so when i had my first boyfriend, i was firm on staying with him through everything. i knew how important communication was, so i told him everything i could, just to make sure we understood each other.
but it’s hard to be with someone who never really sees you. someone who doesn’t read between the lines, who doesn’t try hard enough to understand what you actually need. it was exhausting to feel like i was constantly trying to be understood by someone who never really gets me.
i remember having to repeat myself over and over about how i wanted to experience things, because he would only do them at face value. he followed what i said, but never in a way that felt like he truly understood me or cared about how i experienced it. i never understood what was so hard about knowing what would make me happy, when i gave him access to me in every way. indeed, nothing’s quite enough when i know to get it i begged. because that’s exactly how i felt every time he tried to do things, things i had to ask for/tell him.
still, i stayed. for almost a year, i endured. i kept communicating even when he had no time for me, even when every conversation ended with me forgiving him because he would fall into self-pity and i didn’t want him to blame himself for everything. at one point, i even started to believe i was too demanding, that maybe i was asking for too much. that ruined me so much that until now
what made it harder was that he wasn’t a bad person. he wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t intentionally hurting me. and because of that, it felt like i didn’t have a “valid” reason to leave. i thought maybe i just needed to endure more, that leaving would mean i gave up too easily. that relationship made me feel ordinary in the worst way. and still, i stayed. because i believed he was the one i was meant to be with. because i thought no one else could treat me better. because i was scared i might end up with someone i’d actually regret being with.
but deep down, i knew something wasn’t right. i knew that love shouldn’t feel like something you have to beg for. i knew that being understood shouldn’t feel this difficult, especially when you’ve already given so much of yourself.
and i’m really glad i listened to that part of me. i’m glad i found the strength to walk away, even without a dramatic reason. because now i understand that i don’t have to shrink myself or settle just to make a relationship last.
jbbartram-illu
snowghoul
ellievsbear
pixelskylines
discoholicmusic
blakekathryn
yousharknotpass
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
