almost 3 years
i was recently cyber stalking...yes that happens and i’m not ashamed. luckily your tumblr name hasn’t changed for a long time. so thanks. i hadn’t been even close to your blog in like at least a year. because well, i’ve been busy. almost three years ago, i stood on my porch and thought my world was ending. i was mad, sad, confused, and hopeless. but for this, i would like to thank you.
it took me a fucking long time to come to that conclusion. why would i thank you for ruining my life? well at the time i thought you’d ruined my life. i mean come on, i carried us. the least you could have done was let me leave first. but meh, whatever. (also i just took 5 minutes out of writing this to be extremely grossed out by a descending spider near my face.) but honestly, you did what you thought was best. and now i realize it wasn’t that you were done with me...i think you realized i was done with you. you took me as far as you could go. as far as your mind could handle. as far as your emotions could prosper. you knew i could go on for months, maybe even years. but you couldn’t. and i see that now.
i always thought i had stories to tell about relationships. but my current boyfriend’s past relationship from what i gather was odd to say the least. the guy before him only dated drug addicts. and before him, there was the guy whose ex wanted to serial stalk him into getting married based on what she wrote in her journals. so maybe i’ve had it good. all i’ve had is a football player, a drug addict, a guy too busy for me, and you. kind. intelligent beyond my comprehension. and in desperate need of an anti-anxiety med. and i don’t say that in a mocking way. i mean i work with the mentally ill, i understand the power of a little bit of therapy and some meds. i have panic attacks. my mom doesn’t handle anxiety well. my dad is going to die prematurely of stress induced heart problems. so i understand. you just need someone to help you.
i still worry about you, as i do all my exes. it’s something i can’t control. maybe it’s all the oxytocin or something. i still worry if he’s nice to women. or if he’s going to be happy. or if he’s going to stop doing drugs. or if you, most of all, are happy. i hope you are, somewhere inside. you deserve it so much. if i ever see you again, i hope it’s after you’ve found yourself. and after you’ve been able to open up yourself again. it’s going to be so good for you.
take care.
