aroace intimacy

it/its, adult. 18+ preferred. love need not involve sex to be legitimate

[nonsexual-sensual]

Introduction

Hello! I go by Rat. It/its pronouns only. I am an adult in my 20s and a calico cat therian. This is a sideblog for discussions of, as the URL suggests, nonsexual sensuality (and intimacy generally). I am a gay-oriented aroace and have a unique relationship to sexuality and intimacy as a result of my identity and lack of attraction. With this blog I intend to attempt to explore nonsexual forms of intimacy and kink, the nonsexual erotic, and hopefully find a healthy and comfortable balance for myself. I want to work against allo/amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality, and decenter/dethrone sex and normative romance as the ultimate forms of connection. The romantic will likely play some role, as I do experience some romantic attraction, but I do not experience it the same way an allo might and my posts will reflect that. In addition, this will be a space for nonsexual positivity posts; that is, positivity that intentionally does not sexualize the subject. I find that a lot of positivity posts trigger my dysphoria rather than easing it because they sexualize whatever traits are their subject , and I want to offer nonsexual alternatives where I can for those who feel similarly.

If any of that interests you, then I hope this blog can be a source of support, inspiration, and comfort! I look forward to delving into this project.

[meanderposting]

Official Definition Post

I tend to use words without defining them a lot. This is because defining my terms makes me want to shrivel up and die most of the time. Writing definitions is as much a losing proposition for me as writing introductions in discord servers. It's like, you mean I have to tell you EVERYTHING about myself or a given topic in only a few words/sentences?

But I'm going to do it anyway because life has taught me that if I don't define my terms, they get misused, and this term is important enough to me that I'd really like for it to not be misused if at all possible.

meander

noun | me·​an·​der

1 : a winding path or course

… the new path, which he supposed only to make a few meanders … — Samuel Johnson

2 : a turn or winding of a stream

The meander eventually became isolated from the main stream.

3 : any of an expansive category of activities, relational dynamics, or narrative tropes in which the full personhood of all participants is experienced erotically, but not sexually

Alice and Bob enjoy a variety of meanders, some of which overlap with conventional kink activities and some of which do not.

The great thing about meanders is that literally anything can be one. Something like nonsexual artistic bondage, which obviously overlaps with and can be considered a conventional kink, can be a meander for those who want it to be one. But so can something like making dinner together, learning ballroom dance, playing co-op video games, or simply holding each other while watching a movie.

Disclaimer: This is an opt-in term. If you don't feel like you need this language, you don't have to use it. If you do feel like you need or want this language, welcome to the club. I made this term because I'm a sex repulsed trauma survivor who does not fit into conventional kink spaces and generally does not vibe with the attitudes they espouse.

I don't like sexual arousal — it feels like having a bad reaction to a medication. I don't like being mean and I don't like when people are mean to me. I don't like dehumanization or objectification. I don't like feeling used, or making others feel used. I cannot swing a fish in conventional kink without hitting one of these things. So I needed to make my own language to talk about my intimate interests. If you like it, consider using it. If you don't, don't. But I'm not anyone's enemy for choosing to make my own words instead of adopting theirs.

[nonsexual-sensual]

Animal meat is absent from lilies, but you would of course not describe it as missing. This, to me, is what the absence of my sexual attraction is like.

[nonsexual-sensual]

I'm kinda losing my mind a little because there is something that I am craving, there is some form of connection or affection that I want lately, but I'm struggling to pin down what exactly it is and how exactly to get it.

The most recent thing that has done it most strongly is when me and my partner were staying at a hotel for a convention and we split Every wawa wrap for dinner (a thing we do now and then, we call it the Wrap Feast) while watching youtube. Which is an objectively funny example but it was such a nice night

[nonsexual-sensual]

It's frustrating because sex seems appealing on its surface only because I want the version that exists in cute fanfics, where it's this deeply emotionally intimate act that strengthens your bond and brings you closer together and makes you feel loved and safe and connected. I crave those feelings, but I am incapable of experiencing them via sex. It just doesn't compute that way in my brain. It's something that's kinda fun and feels nice at most, and that's still only sometimes and fairly conditionally. Yet, it seems to be near-unanimously agreed in society that no, sex IS the pinnacle of connection, and it is the ONLY true way to achieve these feelings, and everything else is strictly inferior. Hence, this sideblog, trying to dig into what the hell actually makes me feel that way so I can orient my focus towards things that are consistently good for me.

[nonsexual-sensual]

"Kink" feels like the wrong word for what I want and what I like but it's also the most functional shorthand

[nonsexual-sensual]

I'm kinda trying to explore gentler aspects of kink a bit more, to see if there's anything I can draw from and adapt to my preferences. It's challenging, because a lot of kink, especially what's most commonly discussed, is in some way violent or demeaning (even quite a bit of nonsexual kink). Dom/sub dynamics are basically ubiquitous, but not something I want in the slightest, as either role. Feeling bad doesn't feel good, at least not in any way that isn't unhealthy and self-destructive. The idea that someone could enjoy hurting me is scary to me, even if it were at my request. I aggressively do not want to be a sub. I don't have any desire for an established power dynamic. All I really have definitively is that I like body worship, generally, and shibari as a meditative practice sounds pretty nice.

[nonsexual-sensual]

One of my absolute favorite kinds of affection to receive is just being pet across my full body. Which is very nice for completely eliminating touch starvation, and also the number one reason I believe things can be erotic and also nonsexual. Cuz it sure doesn't give me sex feelings but what the hell else do you call that if not erotic

[nonsexual-sensual]

I speak from experience when I say it can be very difficult to figure out what feelings are what, especially when you don't really even know what feelings you have. The conclusion I've come to is that the definitions don't matter so much. What is important is figuring out what you want and what makes you happy. You don't necessarily need to identify the feeling that drives it and decide if it's romantic or platonic or something else to know that you want to live together with someone, or that you want to hold them, or that you want to hang out in their living room and watch B-movies, or that you want to get lunch with them on the weekends; you don't necessarily have to identify what that feeling is to work with someone to build a dynamic that feels good. Wants and needs first, then labels is a good strategy to fall back on when you aren't quite sure what's happening internally.