Jealousy is an ugly emotion; so is envy, loneliness, and insecurity. Each of us have these emotions in us but some more than others. Or maybe itās that some have found a way to channel these emotions into a positive direction. I wish I could say that I am one of those that is always capable of finding the positive path but I do find that I let the ugly creep in and take over. Itās a strange feeling, almost outer body if you want to stretch the description, to see yourself behaving in a way you would normally never behave. I generally find myself to be a good person; caring, sincere, and genuine. But there or moments I let the ugly in and I analyze everything and person and situation that comes my way. I see myself looking for the negative because it gives me something to blame when Iām feeling blue. Itās true, if Iām feeling lonely or envious I have to find specifics or materialistic situations to place the blame. I pluck away and at every movement and gesture or moment of silence. These are cheap and unfair rationales to otherwise normal circumstances. So, how do you address the ugly? How do you redirect the path? Iām not sure. You remind yourself that youāre human and you make mistakes and human perception can be blinding. You remind yourself that these adjustments take time and energy and wonāt disappear overnight. You acknowledge your downfalls and weaknesses. You reach out to your friends for comfort, understanding, reality checks, a moment of āpull it together ladyā, tough love, sincere love, and just plain ears to listen. You apologize sincerely but know that you can only change the future. And you continue to take pause, review and learn for the situation, and then place yourself on the right path. So what is jealously to me? Jealousy is a feeling of resentment towards another person. I donāt tend to carry this emotion very often; I believe in otherās happiness and truly want to see everyone pleased or getting the things they want or need. So what is envy? Envy is my evilā¦my dark moment. Itās an emotion of want or desire over anotherās successes. It creeps into my world when I play the āwhy not meā game. Itās the ugly of all ugly and I do not like when it shows its head. Iāve always found myself to be self-efficient and a fighter and a strong person so this little four letter word is not my friend and can create a problem in my reality. Then there is loneliness, this emotion is common for many but can be a trouble maker because when it shows up it tends to invite his friends over for a party; have you met jealousy and envy? Loneliness, to me, is completely curable and self-inflected. We are creators of our own destiny. We can keep ourselves busy, start a hobby, meet new friends, reach out to our current friends, engage in our family affairs, or simply get lost in a book. Soā¦why is it that we just donāt do those things? I donāt do those things? Maybe because loneliness is also notorious for being the creator of the āattention whoreā; needy and wanting, and so in turn, creates moments of desperation and erratic behaviorā¦.all in a blink of an eye. Makes me shake my head because these petty reactions can happen to ānormally strongā people, like myself. Even when you know itās what is happening you just sit back and watch the embarrassment begin. Which brings me to the last emotion on this rantā¦.insecurity. Take all of the above, throw in some physical perception of what society looks down upon, add years of poor self-worth, and you have insecurity. For me it creates anxiousness and doubt. Always questioning the word of othersā¦.especially if itās a reflection of me in a positive light. But with that being said, always looking for the cheap compliment to boost the ego for a brief moment. Talk about embarrassing, sheesh!!! Well, what do I do with all that? Give up, throw in the towel, tell myself Iām undeserving of those that care for me? Seems to me that those actions just feed the above reactions. Noā¦no, you keep moving forward. Continue to tell yourself that youāre worth it, continue to fix the poor behavior, continue to apologize when it shows its ugly head, continue to read, and ask questions, and communicate, and take risks, and trust even when you donāt believe. By no means am I perfect but I am worth the continuous fight to be a better person, mother, daughter, friend, lover, and all around beautiful woman; inside and out. Life is a journey and sometimes I stroll, sometimes I run, and sometimes I stumble. Regardless, the journey is there for me to take in and enjoy if I let it. The possibilities of the future or countless, and the amount of love there is to be had is priceless. So I think Iāll fold my towel nicely next to me and say āCheersāā¦who needs a drink? J
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