notestoself

[notesself]

Wow. It has been such a long fucking year. I'm so fucking exhausted. I'm so fucking exhausted. I'm tired of building. I just want to fucking stay still. I'm so fucking tired. I'm happy. But I'm emotionally so fucking dysregulated. I need to take a breath. And calm the fuck down.

How. I don't fucking know. I'm spiraling. I'm starting to feel a bit unhealthy. I'm so fucking scared I won't be well if I get into another relationship. I need to slow it the fuck down. My wants and desired and boundaries and anxieties and overthinking tendencies and fears and apprehensions and fantasies are all over the fucking place. Can I just process this past week. It's been a lot. And either this infatuation/romance shit with KS or some emotional release/chaos with my stupid repair mission. I need to catch my breath.

[notesself]

Today I feel heartbroken.

And it’s my problem.

So what do I do about it? What do I feel like doing about it? Do I want to let myself cry and be sad, do I want to do something nice formyself? Do I want to nap during the day? Do I want to slack off work and have a day of doing nothing?

My heart hurts. How do I make it better. Or do I just ride the wave, and mope till I’m done and I can stand up and walk back to normalcy then. I don’t want to lift myself up and neither do I want to collapse. I just want to be still. Am I depressed? Or I’m just sad.

[notesself]

what do I want? what do I really want in life, apart from things working out with Kabir? 

I need to think about that. I need to dream up some goals, have some visions, lean into some desires, and if they don’t exist, develop them. My relationship working out cannot be the only thing I care about.

I want to build a beautiful house for my family and I.

I want to earn enough to ably support myself.

I want to be more independent, year on year. 

I want to become a better writer.

I want to be looked at as someone who is professional, creative, and competent.

I want to create and sustain meaningul friendships. 

I want to develop a meaningful relationship with nature.

I want to feel more connected and in sync with my body, I want to feel proud of my body, it’s strength, and what it can do — I want to work on all these things.

I want to stay curious and keep learning.

I want to try creative new things, while sharpening existing skills I have.

I want to take some solo trips. 

I want to take some girls trips.

I want to bake my own bread and learn how to make chocolate mousse.

I want to become really good at Pilates.

I want to become a runner.

I want to become a really confident driver, who isn’t scared of parking.

I want to be able to muster up nourishing meals for myself.

I want to work on my mental health so that I feel strong, confident, happy, peaceful and loved.

[notesself]

My best writing till date is not a product of an exciting literary opportunity, a handsome grant or a worthwhile platform suddenly at my disposal. My best writing was not done when I was an imaginative child spinning stories out of summer boredom, or when I was an art student living out the most dynamic life, or as an adult who assumed she had profound things to say about her generation. My best writing was not an essay with an enviable arc, a flawlessly argued research paper, or a short story that filled your tummy with delight. My best writing was done as when I was a frantic person high on the feeling of being loved back, but yet had somehow fucked it all up. It was not born out of some stroke of inspiration, my best writing was born from an urgent need to apologise — it a sorry little book of sorrys written for someone I had deeply and knowingly hurt. Actually, my best writing was actually not very good writing at all. It was nothing more than a repository of guilt. A diary that held within it everything from Neruda’s searing words I borrowed from emo corners of Tumblr, to “deep” quotes I copy-pasted from books, to ridiculous attempts at poetry I could only attribute to myself. From long midnight rambles and rants, to more considered admissions of my avoidable actions, I wrote, I wrote, and I wrote. And I apologised to the pages of this handmade notebook as if it were a real person who would see my desperation and suddenly forgive me out of sheer exasperation. Or maybe my (not so giant) gesture was a way for me to gain sympathy — “Look at her simmering in all these sad words, floating on by in this unhappy cloud of regret”, I thought of myself in third person. But no one was really watching, or reading, or listening. It was just me stuck with my sorry notebook of sorrys. 

In reality, I was writing for myself. To justify and deny things all at once. To prove to myself that of course I wasn’t the monster I thought I was — look at all these words I had to offer, how could I really be that cruel? All this time and effort filling up flat space with ink had to mean that I was inherently a good person, right? But the thing is, sometimes apologies are just a self-serving tool. They’re meant to be issued out of respect to someone else, to give someone else closure for harm you may have subjected them to. But most of the time, they feel like they’re just doled out for oneself. A monologue to massage your ego, a soliloquy placate you at night. So you can hear yourself fumble over your excuse, your shaky alibi, your pathetic rationalisation, and when you’re done reciting your uninspiring story, your sappy love song, or in my case, writing in your sorry book of sorrys, you can finally forgive yourself and move on.

[notesself]

I am not my past, I am not my patterns, I am not my mistakes, and I am not my relationships. Relationships are important for me. Kabir is important to me. The life we are building together is important to me. 

But me, my happiness, and my path to growing into a stronger, better version of myself everyday is also important, and I need to stay on track and work on that too. 

[notesself]

I just don't think Dilsher has anything to give, anyone for matter. And I'd rather just be alone and happy, than be lonely while with him. Just the thought of him feels complex and conflicting. Nothing about that situation feels affectionate, loving, nurturing, or innocent anymore.

I need to wash him off me.

[notesself]

I feel like most of my personality for the past 6-7 years has been being a girlfriend, or having a boyfriend. And maybe that's why I'm so disoriented right now. But the good thing is that I'm clearly on some sort of path to actually hanging with myself, trying to slowly further other parts of myself, my brain, my habits and my personality. I'm trying to be me, but also expand (not change) what 'me' entails

[notesself]

musings 3

I’m a bit incredibly nervous to meet Dilsher. And I think the jitters of actually seeing him in person will kick in later, but I think for now it’s mostly to do with me being unable to answer the question of why we’re meeting, and what in my heart-of-hearts I’m hoping to gain from this interaction. On one end, I’m a bit unsettled by the fact that this communication blockade I built so painstakingly has been broken and this person has now invaded my thoughts once again, and just as a concept is introducing conflicting feelings in my head and I almost wish he had left me to my devices — because I was doing fine, I was happy, and even in my unhappiness I still felt like me. It felt like my life, my future, I very much feel like I had control, however good or bad things were. And now with an external variable I cannot control, have never been able to understand affect or control, things get tricky again. So there’s a large part of me that wants things unchanged from how they currently are, and I want to proceed living my life the way I have the last two months, and I want to go ahead and have the summer I have been planning in my head. But on the other hand, the thought of only meeting him this once and not meeting him again upsets and scares me, and I don’t know what to do about that. 

Then there is all the stuff I have thought about and processed over these past two months. The bits of my self, my wants and needs I have been able to be honest with myself about, and the urge to honour those wants and needs. And then there are all the bits of him I have reflected on and find that I detest — part of this is recognition, part of this is fueled by lots of moments of anger that I have collected and I don’t quite know what to do with all these collected moments.

Then there is my hope, and stupid, unfiltered sense of want — which feels at odds with everything else. 

Then there is my lack of trust. Which brings me to certain questions -- 

If I had not blocked off communication so abruptly, would he still have missed me the way he says he has? 

How much of him missing me/feeling bad about things is to do with him feeling repentful of his behaviour or him missing having someone like me love and care for him, and how much of it has to do with him missing me as a person and missing the opportunity to love and care for me? 

 If I hadn’t called for that conversation, or finally given up over text, would he have had the balls to end things or would have still dragged things on?

And, if his brother was single all this while, would still want to be in a relationship? 

Does he want to be in a relationship? Does he want to enter one which he feels like or knows will end? Can he ever think of someone before himself -- is he capable of being unselfish and generous? 

Can he take care of another person — someone who is not his brother or father? Can I trust him again? What has really changed in 6  months? Why now, why couldn’t have waited longer? Does he want to see other people? Why not?  

[notesself]

musings 2

You would keep saying this thing -- probably to yourself more than me -- that we don’t have a toxic relationship. but i think because you didn’t give me anything positive and warm to hold on to in so long, after I point I forgot why I was in it with you, what I liked about how, and lost sense of how the good outweighed the bad, yet my gut instinct was to want it and you -- which ended up making me feel so conflicted, like I was wrong for wanting so, and I guess it ended me feeling a little toxic about things.

two other things you’d say -- a) that we have similar values - maybe to some extent, buut my idea about life, money, people is way different from yours i think. that thing you said about inheritance and having to keep up financially with your friends still gets me sometimes, and i don’t mean to judge - but I just think so differently b) that i was like family -- i call bull. family doesn’t neglect and intentionally hurt the way you did, family doesm’t give up, and family doesn’t cut off.

the thing, the last year on your part is inexcusable. if you loved me, then you should have done better to keep me happy and play your role in whatever the fuck you were doing. if you didn’t love me, you should have called things off, not drag them. either way, you were pretty fucked up. and i don’t know how to go about forgetting or letting go of that -- because i gave you so many chances to fix shit. 

[notesself]

musings 1

This week leading upto meeting Dilsher is going to be hell, but you’ll get through it. Channel all this over thinking into things to think about, tough questions to ask him, and insights you keep close to your heart.

Firstly, why didn’t he respect your need for new communication — especially the first few days after the break-up — despite you having explicitly asking him for silence, and considering the fact that all you have ever been is respectful of his emotional needs.

Second of all — his email right after you broke up was cold, and self-absorbed. You didn’t need to hear about his patterns in past relationships two days after you had your heart ripped out. It made me feel like what I always feared I was -- just another girl in his cyclical bullshit of casually dating, seriously dating women to realise at the same stupid conclusion of him not being a “wholesome relationship” kind of guy. Did he ever stop to ask what I wanted? Did he ever consider how he could meet me halfway -- how he could possibly try to keep me happy and give me what I want and needed? No, but I bent over backwards trying to find common ground with him -- to the point where I couldn’t admit my wants to myself, even secretly in my mind.

He did give me mixed messages, and he did yank me around -- for almost a year. He didn’t meet me halfway, he didn’t give me what I wanted, and he didn’t let me move on when I tried to pull back or step back (which was precisely he would do every few months, like clockwork). The moment I was distant, closed off, silent -- he’d notice, call it out, reel me back.

He didn’t make me feel loved and cared for, and I felt drained. And started to get jealous when I did see people who were happy and in love — and it made me start to feel bitter, and like something was wrong with me, like i was incapable of love. But he was the messed up one. Not me. 

[notesself]

just be okay, and survive these next few months. change is coming, you’re working on it and it won’t happen over night. it’s happening, slowly, and soon you can plunge into the next phase. soon. 

[notesself]

I like how this feed is like a graveyard of all my emo relationship musings, or pep talks and resources for myself. And I think the emo relationship musing stuff is what makes me not want to visit it often anymore, because just a slight scroll down memory lane reminds me of what an utter, desperate mess I was just a few months ago, with yet another boy, and often when I read these older posts I am in the exact same position yet again.. And sometime’s its amusing and humbling to think of all these boys are the same, and they may pass, but in the larger scheme of things I still have me and they don’t matter. But on another level I feel like — what’s wrong? Why do I keep finding myself in the same position again and again..

With Dilsher I swore to myself I had managed to identify and avoid, or atleast be mindful of, certain older patterns. Structurally, logistically, this relationship has automatically made it different from any other older ones. But I come back to this graveyard, or go visit a certain graveyard-esque folder in my Gmail inbox, and I realise maybe the circumstances, not my patterns have changed. I still am almost obsessively dependent on the idea of being with someone, which is why when I am with someone, I am really so everready to let my boundaries dissolve and have such a propensity to give it “my all” — to an often disastrous amount.

So instead of thinking about what’s wrong with Dilsher, (or fantasizing that he’s in pain and he’ll finally come to his senses and want me back), I should just try to examine these patterns and figure out why it is that I’m so attached, and hence so vulnerable, to the idea of being with someone. Why do I attach so much self-worth and so much of being to being in a relationship..What am I avoiding about real life. Why am I so fundamentally SCARED of being alone, and why do I only feel a sense of belonging, rooted-ness, and sense of feeling “seen” when I’m with someone. I have to face these fears head on. Develop a sense of place. Engage with where I live, the city I occupy. Focus on meaningful, consistent relationships and friendships, so I don’t feel lonely or rootless. Develop hobbies, reading, writing, and artistic practices. Get so fucking busy. Have so much fucking fun. Do NOT be scared. I know you’re hurting, it’ll be fine. But the thing is, it’s not like I’m ‘going to be’ fine — I already am. Look at my life. And look it in a positive light and focus on the insane amount you do have. Stop being scared. And stop running away. It’ll be great, a new start, a new year (it’s still not too late). 

Love you.

[notesself]

job options

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All Small Things - podcast, producer, trainee? whatever

https://allthingssmall.in/about/ 

[notesself]

I really fucking miss him. Maybe it's for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it's just my fear of being alone.

But I miss him. And it's so hard just to admit that to myself, when I'm trying so hard to move on.

I wish I didn't have to. Fuck fuck fuck

[notesself]

Something has just snapped within me today. Why do I even like Dilsher. What is it about him that I love. And if he's making me feel so shitty, why do I still want to be with him? Even he's asked me this question sometimes. I don't even think he wants to be with me, he's made it more than clear that he's basically ambivalent. Why do fuck I am still here, with so much emotional investment, having handed over competely the reigns to influence / affect / hurt me. He doesn't even care that he hurts. The maximum he has ever done is acknowledge it. But never once, even expressed a desire to stop, or to change something. What am I doing. I think trying to figure out whether or why I love him completely defeats the point. I am not happy, haven't been. He is not invested, doesn't want to be. So what is even there to contemplate, really? I can't do this shit of trying to understanding, supportive, loving, giving him space, with some hope that one day my reward will come, replete with attention, affection, love. It's not here, and it's not going to come. Really...it's, I don't even know what to say. Don't want to be dramatic or say fuck this. But I just need to stop emotionally abusing myself by making myself to through all the hoops in my head. It's fine. My life is good, I am good, I am enough. And I am worthy of attention and affection and adoration and love. And if I don't get that here, it's completely ok. I have to move on. This is not going to progress. In my heart of hearts, I've even stopped wishing for things because I know nothing will happen. It's fine bub. I love you and I've always got your back and you can't do this anymore, Fizz. It's not fair to you. And you can't keep waiting for him to snap out of it and appreciate or want you. Please just move on.

[notesself]

What felt like complete anxious dread at the beginning of the week has given way to a really genuine (and this is me reiterating to myself, more than admitting to myself) sense of..okay-ness with meeting Dilsher tomorrow. Yes, I’m nervous, but more in the form of energy and possibility than confusion of how to conduct myself and what to expect. It’s because I think that I genuinely do not want anything. What is, is. What will be, will be. There’s nothing I can do, and more importantly, nothing I want to do at this point. I think the anxiety, which has more than rattling me calmed me and made really slow down and treat myself like a fragile slow careful and sensitive being, has run an interesting course. The 

[notesself]

ABC

EVENT ——— 

a couple of conversations with Dilsher. And then finally him asking if we want to meet on Saturday, and then me trying to follow up and then him saying he has other plans which made me bad. And then I got upset and just kind of word vomited my general frustration about our lack of communication, the lack of intention I see in him, and the double standards vis a vis our relationship. 

He called. We spoke. I cried. He said he would call me in the morning and respnd to things I said. He did. He explained where his head is at, all that’s been going on with him since the beginning of the lack down and expressed the feeling that he doesn’t think he can sustain this relationship because he doesn’t feel he can fulfill my needs, but still doesn’t want to lose me.. What do you think those needs are, I asked. He said calling, checking in, making an effort  — but he has been feeling detached. He admitted that him detaching felt unfair and unilateral. 

And then I said that I wished we could have had some of these conversations earlier so we could have engaged with them. I said that we had a conversation at the beginning of the lockdown about taking space, we did, but things were different then. we thought the lockdown would last 21 days. but now it’s been three and a half months. I told him I understood his feeling of just wanting me, but not the relati0onship and told him that I too have often felt burdened by the idea of relationships in the past, but I wuold like to work on keeping that idea flexible based on who I’m with and what the situation is. I told him this is a really unusual unprecedent situation we’re in and I’m not asking anything specific of him. But I told him that in the future, I would like for us to speak once in a while, but not always in this way at night where we check in on each other, but also more random conversations during the day with no pressure to tell each other about our days..I would also like to see him. and that I did not want to lose him because I have just begun to scratch the surface of who he is, and I want to do so much more with him, like leave Delhi for a trip some day. We had this conversation. I was sleep deprived and a bit emotionally exhausted from last night. And had a mild headache. 

and then I could not eat after that. Then I was very sleepy and tired. Then spoke to Aulina for 1 hour, which felt good but I was tired. Tried sleeping after that but it was hard. Kept waking up with palpitations. Have woken up later now. Am tired and low and my heart is pounding a bit and my head is hurting. 

In a sense, theoretically I’m at peace with what happened but I still feel such a loss. One part of that could be that its sad that my partner has lost desire for me. I asked him if he still romantically loved me, but he could not answer. But in a sense, even I’m not sure what I mean when I tell him I love him. Some of these things feel like autopilot after a while. Which is why I tried to be fluid aboutthe idea of a relationship, when we spoke, because so much of these things are archetypes or images that I have yearned for or sought in the past and it has never really ended well for me. If somethning between us was working 6 months ago, it cannot anymore. everything has changed, we have changed. so the nature of our relationship must too.

I suppose that meeting him, being intimate with him, going somewhere with him was this thing that I was looking forward to and was keeping me going through the days. There’s not much I’m looking forward to during this lockdown, and the feeling of things being lost with him, I’m somehow conflating with a loss of joy or future joy. I think that’s wrong. And I not only need to look forward to other things, but I also need to find pockets or moments of joy in my every day. As cheesy as this sounds, I need to find happiness in the present, to nourish and energize myself. Because I’m draining myself out, constantly looking forward to future events, future holidays, future days off. But what about my every day. Or today, a Saturday, my one day off for the week. I have wasted most of it and I have no energy or strength to snap out of how I’m feeling right now. It’s heavy and like a huge slump. It was a huge effort just getting out of bed this morning. 

I need to find small things that make me happy every day, this week.

And here I do want to strat to list out the things that are working and that I am grateful for.

Firstly, I am grateful to have family living with me in the moment and I have a home and food and to be taken care of.

I am glad I have a job, one that pays me, and one that I learnt something new from every day.

I am glad I have friends I can reach out to, and who love me, in whatever form.

I am glad that I am somewhat stronger physically than I was a few months ago.

I am glad I have been able to save money during the lockdown. 

..well that’s it for now. And I will think of more soon, every day.