notes to self

@notestomyself25

1,266 posts

8.13.26

earlier this year I took a lot of time to mourn this relationship. I cried (too) much and became a shell of myself. I finally packed up my things and took the step to actually get out of there, which might have been one of the hardest things I’ve done. because it’s that physical act of actually leaving. fast forward to six months since I’ve been living alone, it’s gotten a hell of a lot better. I have kept busy with things I love: journaling, creating (ceramics mostly), staying active (hot yoga and lifting), spending time with friends/family… all that good stuff.

I stay busy because I don’t like being alone with my thoughts for too long and though I believe I’ve mourned enough, those feelings sometimes creep back in. right now I don’t feel very happy or at peace with life. I’m trying my best to trust that God has a plan for me, but sometimes it’s really difficult. I’m making note of this so that I can look back once I’m finally out of this dark part of my life. I don’t want this to be misconstrued as me being suicidal. I think I’m just a bit depressed at the moment and my anxiety has been creeping back in (it’s been gone for a while, so that was a nice break).

maybe I’m lying to myself and I haven’t actually processed this as much as I need to. I haven’t cried as much as I used to when my living situation was different and I think I’m okay with shoving a lot of that down right now and being avoidant. it’s my goal to become less anxious and avoidant —> fully secure, but I know it’s going to take time. I think I’ve already grown a lot as a person in that way, but there’s always more room to grow.

I’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a long time.

I love looking at your face and drowning in those eyes.

this whole situation has been extremely depressing but now I really feel it and it’s not even my luteal phase. sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore.

and another thing - though my wall isn’t completely up in the situation I’m in right now, I am so exhausted of even having anything up at all. I have to protect myself in some ways or I’ll be crushed. oh how I envy those who don’t have to hide. I miss being able to be fully vulnerable because I felt safe. I would do anything to get that back and I am convinced I will get out of this eventually and be able to feel that again with someone else.

in therapy I got to talk about how frustrating it is to know that the things I feel “safe” in aren’t even safe, it’s just what I am comfortable with. and anything that comes along that’s actually good for me makes me want to run away and hide. I want to break that cycle so very badly. I don’t want to stay in things that aren’t good for me just because that is what I was raised to think is normal. I was given an opportunity to be treated the way I should be treated - and I ran so fast. I want to go back.

there’s probably not a day that goes where you don’t cross my mind. how are you? do you think of me too? why did you unblock me? there must have been something about me that popped into your head. I miss you. what I would give to be face to face with you and just hold you forever. and smile and cry because I feel relief and peace and I don’t have to put up that wall anymore. I’m tired of keeping that wall up.

just came on here to say anxiety truly is crippling and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I want to burn it so it never comes back.

09.29 I hate how crippling anxiety is. how it ruins my relationship with food. how I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep through it (or attempt to since it feels like I’m going to die). I’m constantly needing to remind myself that I’m not in danger and being hunted for sport, but it is so very difficult. I wish I could be the same all the time, but I’m not. there’s so much up and down.

do you ever just find yourself completely crashing out because you’re in your luteal phase and everything is irritating and you’re incredibly emotional and everything is making you cry and then you start to think about even more sad things to cry about and you wonder if you even made the right life decision for yourself? no? just me? okay.

do you ever find yourself having dreams about a completely different time and when you wake up it really messes with you? and then you go down this rabbit hole of reminiscing? no, just me? okay.

it doesn’t matter how much you adore someone or they adore you, you should never rely on a person for your happiness. that’s your job. the only one who consistently shows up is God and that’s just fine. I really need to remind myself of that daily.

I know it’s also going to be about that time of the month, but I feel so unmotivated and uninspired lately. I miss having friends close by. I miss that connection. I miss not being in an artist’s block and actually wanting to create. I just miss that part.

as I’m writing my vows, I feel that they should be given to someone else who is more deserving of them. someone I haven’t met yet. it hurts so much selling myself short. I am lost.

Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry featured in “The Selected Diaries of Virginia Woolf,”

I was finally starting to feel better without the weight of anxiety dictating my life. and it’s back to ruin me. I have my art things that bring me so much joy. I like taking care of myself and going to the gym. I like getting out and letting the sun shine on my face. making new friends and discovering new places. and now, I feel like my motivation has been robbed from me and there’s a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. it’s exhausting trying to get out of this when I’m in it, but I know I’ll get up again. eventually. I’m just tired. it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don’t want it.

I’m tired of giving you limitless chances and you’ve used them up in the worst possible way because there’s never any repercussions.

there’s a part of who wants to go on and on about how I don’t deserve anything good in my life but I realize that’s the devil trying to sneak in there. that’s what he wants me to think, but God’s got a handle on it and no matter how my life may end up I am handing it over to Him because I simply cannot do this on my own and I am exhausted.

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