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Hi! I’m Peach. A lover of art, words and the mysteries of the universe.

[notp3achx]

excerpt from a book ill never write

“You’re not in love with me, are you?”

She looked at him with her deep, sad eyes. The chilly autumn wind was nothing compared to the warmth in his voice, and all she wanted was to fall in his arms. The wind blew her hair just in time for it to cover her teary eyes, as everything was like the first night they met— except it was different. She remembered how his mouth tasted like alcohol mixed with cigarettes, and how she hated every single bit of the stench of nicotine but continued to kiss him anyway because his lips was all the more intoxicating. The mundane moments of watching him sleep washed over her, as she realized it was in between those days of laughing and nights of intimacy and how he held her hand when she felt like falling apart was the reason why she accidentally let her walls crumble. Her damaged heart softened as she rolled her eyes when he embraced her and a part of her did not want to admit, but she almost said, “maybe love is easy.. maybe i can risk getting hurt for you.” She remembered the nights of conversations, the small gestures he did that she appreciates so much, and the forehead kisses every time they would part. he did not have to touch her or hold her... but he did. and no matter how in denial she is, she knows he made her heart flutter for the first time. She never liked how radiant the moon shines every time they are together, it was as if even the celestial bodies wanted her to feel again. 

But after the short moments of acknowledging love, and how maybe it is a good thing, comes the part where she realizes she is too damaged to know what love meant, and if everything she felt with him was love or something else. the thought of maybe she is setting herself up for disappointment again or maybe she is living in her head too much and that maybe he doesn’t love her that way made her second-guess everything. but this is not just about him and if everything was real or not. it was mostly her. it was the fact that she is too scared to even acknowledge her feelings. it was her fear of getting hurt again that she would rather push him away because she's scared it would be too draining to love someone as broken as her. 

and in that moment, she just wanted to fall in to his arms. but why can’t she say it? why can’t she, for once, do something that would make her happy? She looked at him again, for the last time, and realizes it is easier to walk away than to pull him in to a chaotic mess. the lingering conclusion struck her; love is easy. but not for her. she has always been dazed between a crossroad of choices and this time, he could no longer buy her some time. 

“Of course not,” she smiled.

[wolkenleere]

“We all have someone we never speak of. Someone who meant so much, that even hearing their name makes your soul tremble with memories and pain. Someone who makes your heart break a little more each time you accidentally think of the colour of their eyes.”

— Excerpt of a book I’ll never write 

[notp3achx]

the worst thing about being emotionally damaged is that you are incapable of knowing if you are in love because you have no idea what love means. every time you smile when a person does a small thing that you appreciate so much makes you second guess if you are feeling too much for something thats bare minimum. whats worse than realizing something that comes natural with others makes you so goddamn happy because no one ever did that for you just because they wanted to? its the physical pain that comes with realizing the fact that maybe you would always be the person who would settle for less just to feel loved. 

then after that comes the sad part; being distant and pushing others away because it hurts. it hurts that maybe a part of you is right, maybe you are settling for less and maybe they don’t really love you, you just feel things way too deeply because you are so love deprived even a small touch can make you crumble. even the tiniest bit of attention can come across to you as an act of love. and then you realize how damaged you are. and you are part of the population of people who crave for love but doesnt know what it is supposed to feel like, so you spend the rest of your life wondering and jumping from one casual relationship to the next until you feel nothing anymore.

[notp3achx]

from the vault

I have come to terms with the fact that we can’t blame people for loving us less. No matter how painful it is to understand that even if you are willing to meet them halfway, sometimes they are just not capable of meeting you there. and it is not your fault. it is not theirs either. it sad because we can’t blame people for not being the right person for us, but we can’t force them to love us right either. thats the sad reality of finding love in all the wrong places. you end up having to compromise your heart for half-assed efforts and inconsistency.

[peachconquerstheworld-deactivat]

If you love her, don’t destroy her.

Don’t tighten your grip too much, don’t reason out and say you love her immensely and that you’re just afraid of losing her. Give her freedom to do the things that she wants, let her explore the world and try things all by herself, meet new people and meet new friends. Let her talk to her friends, even guy friends. You don’t have to worry because you got her, and she will be loyal to you and only you.

Let her believe in things she wants to believe. Accept that she will be different from you because she has her own views and firm principles. Listen to her endless political rants and how she’s annoyed with every problem of the society because she thinks she can’t do anything about it. Plus, don’t forget to support her feminist rants and her hate for misogynists and patriarchy. 

Never demand to be her number 1 priority. You must understand that before you, there’s family, studies, friends, and also herself (her dreams and goals). She must prioritize them first. Don’t make her feel like she’s doing something wrong just because she wants to study the whole night. You should not make her feel like she needs to let go one of her priorities for you. No way. Because if you value her happiness and if you really love her, you would never ask her to compromise and put you on top of her priorities. 

Don’t keep your relationship a secret. Why would you even ask her to be your girl if you can’t show her off? You’re just making her feel insecure about herself, thinking ‘is there something wrong with me’? Why can’t you be proud of her? If you really love her you won’t be reluctant to show her off. You’re constantly making her feel loved, sprouting poems and cheesy lines in secret but to others you treat her like nothing?

Don’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Whether it maybe something intimate, or something simple. Just don’t. Respect her at all times.

Don’t lower her self-esteem. It maybe shallow to some but every words that comes out of your mouth, whether good or bad, she will always remember them. Let her have another serving of rice, eat chocolates and drink all the beer she wants.

Don’t be selfish. Let her enjoy. Don’t make her feel guilty for doing something that you didn’t approve of. You’re her boyfriend, not father. 

Never make her feel like she owe you something. Do things for her, because you want to. Not because you want her to do something for you in return. Never ever shove to her face all the things you did for her. 

Don’t let her sleep thinking she’s not enough. It will really hurt her when you let her sleep feeling unwanted. As much as possible, don’t give up and fix things because in the morning, I kid you not she will feel less important. 

Don’t hurt her. Physically and emotionally. Don’t shout at her, even if she’s annoying and gets on your nerve all the time. Trust me on this, one shout from you will really hurt her big time. She might smile but her eyes won’t. Not anymore. She will always remember how you raised her voice and how you were so soft to her back then. She will overthink and will be afraid to commit mistakes because you might get mad again.

So trust me when I tell you this, you might think she’s okay but she’s really not. If all you did was destroy her, you didn’t love her. She will now spend her nights, thinking of ways how to be happy for herself, without thinking how you made her feel. You made the girl who wants nothing but to make you happy, inferior, sad, and broken. 

You destroyed her. But now she’s picking up the broken pieces of her shattered self, and will fix it not for others but for herself. She’s chaotic; a beautiful disaster. But now she’s not your mess anymore.

You destroyed her, and now watch her be happy.

[notp3achx]

I FOUND MY OLD WRITING NYAHAHAHA 

[notp3achx]

long overdue.

I just turned 20 a few weeks ago and it has always been a tradition of mine to write a reflection or just something that would summarize the year I just had, but this time I guess I’d like to change things up a bit. For now, let’s write something different; here’s an open-letter for my 25-year-old self. 

Dear me (but better, hopefully),

19 was a rollercoaster ride for you and it was the year who made you realize who you really are and what you really want to do even though you are still trying to understand yourself better. You were all anxious at first and you thought you won’t be able to survive it since there were a lot of disappointments and hard life lessons that worsened your emotional trauma and obviously added more to your emotional baggage— but eventually, you ended up enjoying the whole ride. It was the peak of your teenage years and it was something that your 16-year-old self always wanted to experience. It was also your first year in college and you made friends with the kind of people you have always prayed for. You’re not the same teenager anymore who only cared about herself, her music and her clothes; you have grown a lot and that’s something you must be proud of. Those adventures that you had, your firsts, the ups and downs, highs and lows, it will always be there for you to look back on. Don’t regret choosing to say yes to everything back when you were 19— the risks you took made everything memorable. Even though you made a lot of long-term decisions in the spur of the moment, you experienced a whole new level of fun and you enjoyed it. Every single part of it. If given the chance to repeat everything just to feel them again for the second time around, you would gladly do so.

It was a memorable year, Peach. It was the year who taught you a lot of lessons and at the same time, it was also the one who made you feel a lot of things you never thought you would experience.

That’s why 5 years from now, I hope you are not reading this just because you want something to keep you going for you don’t know what to do with your life anymore. Instead, I hope you are reading this inside your apartment with peach walls and a balcony high enough so you could admire the view of the moon and the city lights glowing below you every night. I hope you have saved enough money so you could finally experience what life is like on your own, without depending on your parents and siblings. At this time, I think you’re already struggling in law school but I do hope you try your best to be patient with it, no matter how hard it is to pursue that dream of ours. I hope you are living your best life, the chick-flick worthy kind of life— even if you’re just starting to establish yourself.

But let’s stop being idealistic. The thing is, it’s okay if you're not reading this inside your apartment, it’s okay if you’re still on the way into learning what life is like being independent. Things take time, and you can’t rush yourself into being what you always wanted to be because you know yourself and how you never get to do better if you feel pressured. Always remember that having material things does not measure how successful you are, that’s why it’s okay if you’re not there yet. It’s okay if you still can’t afford to live on your own or live the luxurious life you’ve always dreamed of. For now, at least tell me you have stopped your bad habits and vices. Tell me you wake up every morning with a smile on your face because you are doing what you really love the most and you feel like you're actually growing in the field you chose and worked hard for. Tell me you’re working for the magazine company in the city with tall buildings and fancy night lights that you’ve always admired. I’d love to hear about how you made it into law school, too! Tell me all about the fun things you did with your best friends in your last year in college and how you kept in touch with them up to now even if you all have hectic schedules and busy lives. 

Tell me how you’ve moved on from the things that kept you awake at night. Tell me how you’ve started to accept who you are even with all your past mistakes, your flaws, and all your regrets. It’s something that your younger self really struggled with and if by this time you have conquered all your fears and uncertainties when it comes to loving yourself, then I couldn’t be more proud. Tell me how you became a better version of yourself because I would love to hear all about them. I have a lot of expectations from you, older self. I hope you are wiser, bolder and stronger; wise enough to stay dedicated in pursuing your career, bold enough to stand on your own, and strong enough to hold on despite the hurdles that might come your way.

Most importantly, I hope you are happy. Because out of all the hopes and dreams that I have for you, that’s what really matters. I hope you are happy regardless of where you are right now even if you’re not even halfway to your destination. We still have a lot of time before our 30s, I’m sure we’ll figure it out. There will be times when you feel tired of writing but always remember that you are not writing for yourself— you are writing for your readers and your belief of how your words will have a certain impact on their life. If you’re tired, just remember the reason why you chose to be a writer; because you wanted to share the different worlds and complex characters you’ve created in your mind. 

Lastly, I hope you now have the courage to choose love because you’ve been avoiding it for too long. You’ve always felt like the best way to play it safe is to avoid it, but the truth is you’re just afraid of it and you’ve made up a lot of reasons just to show that you’re not. This time, I hope you are brave enough to choose love, to open up your heart and destroy the walls you’ve built around you to the people who deserve you. You have so much love to give, and the amount of emotional trauma you have should not hinder you from doing so. Learn how to take risks because at the end of the day this would all just be a memory to you… a short snippet of how you have lived your life until your very last breath.

At 25, I hope you are aware of what you really want to be and what you really want to do so that at the next stage of your life, you would welcome it with a smile on your face just like what I’m doing right now.

Love,

the 20-year-old you.

[notp3achx]

Untitled

“What was she like, then?” I asked. Hoping this time, I would get the answer I’ve always wanted to hear. 

I genuinely want to know the reason why he loved her so much that he didn’t want to talk about what happened when she left. We all have our firsts-- and first love is something that really intrigues me... maybe it’s because it takes a great amount of courage to move on from someone who made you feel what it’s like to be in love for the first time. 

His eyes looked hopeful as his gaze met mine. “Well, she was.. I don’t know. I just... really loved her.”

For someone who’s deeply in love, I guess you could say I’m a martyr. I know I should stop the conversation and just let him forget about the past but I just couldn’t... not when I saw how his eyes sparkled when he remembered everything about her. I wanted to know more and maybe from there, I could understand.

“So.. what was she like?” I asked again.

I just looked at the calm ocean while waiting for an answer. He kept on looking at the moon, and when the waves crashed the shore, he heaved a long sigh as he watched it gone in an instant, leaving its marks behind on the white sand.

“You’re like the sun,” he said softly.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him, although he didn't see it because he was busy looking at the moon. “I said, what was she like.”

“You’re like the sun because you’re warm and bright,” he said, completely ignoring me. “Everything about you is radiant and every time I look at you, it’s like you’re giving me enough reason to conquer anything. You never let me stay in the dark. You watched everything I do. You always.. for some reason, give off light. You were my ray of sunshine.. you made everything better.”

I just looked at him and saw how his eyes sparkled under the glowing celestial body he seems to adore so much. He was smiling, but there was something about it that tells me he still longs for something... or someone. 

“And she was like the moon,” he continued. “So full of imperfections, so lonely. She stayed in the darkness with me and found a way to glow-- even though it means she had to stay in the dark for a long time. She never left, even in my darkest days, those days where even she can’t do anything about my suffering. She brought the best in me even in my darkness. Just like the celestial body she loved so much and always marveled upon, she knows all my secrets.”

We were both silent after that. As I looked at him, all eyes stuck on the mysterious heavenly body that seems to put all things in to place even the wild waves-- I realized he will never look at the sun the way he looked at the moon.

- But that’s okay. I’ll still shine for him anyway.

[notp3achx]

How do you even start from scratch, anyway?

My stupid self accidentally deleted peachconquerstheworld, the blog I made which had my old writings about almost anything in it. It sucks, big time. Especially now that I couldn’t write as good as I did before and I also don’t have an extra copy of those writings hahaha. But I guess it’s a sign for me to end my year-long hiatus from blogging and start writing again. Let’s just wait ‘til I get my username back and I’ll write again here. This used to be my rant account but now since I don’t want to create another blog, I’ll just use this one. So, yeah. Hello!

[between-truth-and-lies]