justanothercsmajor

[november-lee-cs-major]

a slight change of pace

Its 1am and can't quite sleep. Thought I'd do a little but of midnight rambling about my ex. Looking back now, he was insecure. About us. We fell for each other fast and hard, and it was rocky. There were a lot of red flags, big, flashing, and up in my face. But i was so far gone, they mostly when ignored. I didn't consciously catch on that he was insecure about us. But i think I caught on unconsciously. Somewhere deep inside, i knew and sensed it. It made me uneasy too. Made me feel unsure sometimes. He'd make remarks about me being bi-curious, about whether I thought someone else was attractive, about who my "ideal" partner was. But i was naive and didnt know how to process my own feelings -- i reacted, sometimes getting upset or getting caught up in my own unsureness that it'd overwhelm me when I'd go into work the next day. We fell too fast.

[november-lee-cs-major]

nervous

Looks like I’m moving onto an onsite round. Honestly, I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been. I used to not stress about onsites but after being rejected so many times, I’m feeling immensely unconfident and overthinking everything. 

I don’t know what to do.

[november-lee-cs-major]

Some interviews coming up...

Let me give some statistics on what’s been happening and why I’m stressing. 

I’ve done 14 interviews. 2 onsites, 8 technical interviews, 4 HR phone calls. This is the most recent info from September to the present. I had one offer that I declined due to location and another returning offer from my internship that I also declined due to location. I declined these offers under the notion that I would be able to land a job in a desirable location (because this is the only thing I thought I could have some control over) -- this was early on in the semester. Otherwise, all failed. 

I have 2 technical assessments, 3 technical interviews, and 1 HR interview coming up over the next few weeks. 

One of the hardest things, I think, is after getting rejected thirteen times, it’s hard to motivate yourself and give yourself the confidence that you’re a good fit for this field. I am truly passionate about my major and I love doing what I do. 

I’m still trying to move forward, but I feel like I’ve applied to every since job posting out there on the internet and I’ve run out of stuff to apply to. Now what? I’m in desperate need of an offer before March and time is running out. 

[november-lee-cs-major]

times running out

a little under three months left. no job offers. highly mildly concerned for myself. 

[november-lee-cs-major]

this is literally a trash blog

Just me dumping my thoughts. 

Feel like crying. So, so, so frustrated. 

I’ve been rejected by all the companies I’ve recently interviewed for. I’m utterly devastated and I don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I’ve revamped my resume and have started applying to more places. 

Knowing that I’ve been rejected over and over again is immensely disheartening. I’m so stressed and I feel like I’m stuck in a hole I can’t get out of. 

I just want it to be over

[november-lee-cs-major]

I don’t know how to cope

I’ve always been good at keeping myself in check -- at handling my emotions and being optimistic. I always thought life would turn out well for me. 

I’ve never felt so down before. I’m at rock bottom and I don’t know how to get out of it. 

Professional health is something I’ve never sought before. I don’t know if I should seek it out and I don’t really want to, honestly. I don’t want to because if I do, it’ll just confirm that everything is real. I really am that incompetent that I can’t find a job and I really am feeling what I’m feeling. 

I don’t want to face it, I just want it to go away. 

[november-lee-cs-major]

Why am I here?

I have no one else to talk to so I’m going to post my feelings, thoughts, and everything in between here, onto the world wide web. 

I’ll go by the pseudoname November Lee. 

I’m a CS major, a 4th year, and I’m graduating Summer of 2020. 

So here it is: I can’t find a job. 

I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve always been confident in myself and my abilities. Everyone I know has found a job -- from Big N and FAANG companies, too. And yet, here I am. One rejection after another. It’s hitting me so hard and I’ve never felt so down, so lonely, and so sad in my life before. 

You might call it a first world problem. Yes, I have a roof over my head and the privilege to attend a 4-year university but this is the only life I have. This is the life I’m living in and in this community that I am a part of, there’s an expectation put on my by my parents and those around me to get a job. 

And I can’t even do that. 

Is it because I’m not good enough? I’ve been trying to do leetcode problems and I have so much trouble tackling them. I can do the easy ones fine but the medium ones... 

It’s just frustrating. I feel incompetent. I’ve spent four years studying this major, pursuing it because I thought I was passionate about it, and I can’t even solve some puzzle questions. In my technical interviews, I always stumble with difficult questions and have a hard time getting a working solution. 

I just don’t know what more I could be doing. 

I need a job so, so bad. I need it soon because I’m going abroad and I need something secured before then. Otherwise, I’ll be interviewing while I’m abroad. I won’t be able to do onsites. No onsites --> harder interviews. 

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to go to college and enjoy the little luxuries of state-of-the-art facilities and opportunities to work at research labs. But why, why, why, can I not get a job? It’s so hard and it’s so frustrating. 

I feel like I’m sacrificing my grades and mental health for the sake of prepping for these interviews and it’s never good enough. 

I just want a break. I’m so tired.