November Was

The leaves were dying, but we were so alive

[novemberwas]

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I. My mind spins around and around

Like a washing machine

Turning things over and over

II. I have worn preparedness as armor

For so many years

Protection in the pursuit of perfection

III. My heart at hummingbird pace

My lungs forget how to breathe

How did I think this was normal

[novemberwas]

Echocardiogram

You asked if I believe in love at first sight

Yes, but not in the way you think

I fell in love the minute I saw my own heart

Beating beating beating

Keeping me alive no matter how much

I don’t want to be

I watched the valves open and close

Doors perfectly in sync

Hyperechoic and beautifully designed

Beating beating beating

I fell in love with gel on my chest

And a probe over my heart

Fell in love with the valves and the muscle

The blood coursing through my veins

And my own heartbeat

Beating beating beating

[novemberwas]

Three years ago

He told you he loved you

And took everything you had

He had the nerve to cry after

As if he had not just ripped your soul apart

But that was three years ago

Love, you have grown

You now have the rage and fire of generations of women

Burning inside you

And if he tries to claw his way back in

To this life you have built for yourself

Love, strike him down

Don’t think twice

Show your strength

[novemberwas]

Opposites

I. I am the psyche

  You are the soma

II. I am the waves

   You are the sand

III. I am the question

    You are the answer

IV. I am the moon

    You are the sun

V. I am the fire

   You are the water

[novemberwas]

You tell me you will never hurt me again

My love how can I believe you

When I can see the knife in your hand

[novemberwas]

Left-brained

When I chose to pursue

A career in science

My parents said,

“You’re left-brained.”

And just like that

They expected me to lose

My imagination

My creativity

The colors in my mind

I find it funny, actually

That people limit themselves

To one hemisphere or the other

It’s also ironic

That despite the degrees in biochemistry and genetics

I’m “right-brained” as hell

I don’t see why people have to choose

You can be imaginative

And intuitive

All at once

I will forever be

A hybrid

Somewhere between

Logical and creative

Numbers and colors

Doctor and poet

[novemberwas]

Like Sand

I wish I were the type of person

Who knew how to keep friends

They slip through my fingers like sand

I never care until it’s too late

Such has been the pattern in my life

Over and over

Twenty one years’ worth

Of sand in the wind

I ask myself, why bother?

They only ever slip away

Alone seems so beautiful

Until it’s your truth

Maybe it’s because I’m insecure

Afraid of failure and rejection

If you open your hands

And let the sand fall

At least it’s your choice

But either way you wind up empty handed

Vowing to change my broken ways

I take another handful of sand

[novemberwas]

Earthworm

Every time it rains

The earthworms wriggle out of the ground

And try to make a break for it

I see them dotting the sidewalk

And do my best to avoid them

The rain fills them with courage

Up top they can cover greater distance

The threat of drowning underground fills them with fear

Leaving the subterranean home they’ve always known

They glide amongst the puddles

Braving the surface world

I tell myself my head is down

So I can see where to step

So as not to tread on the worms

But if I’m honest

My head is down because

I have not yet developed the courage

Of an earthworm when it rains

[novemberwas]

I'm going out of my mind

Trying to convince myself that this is

Temporary

That I will not always feel this restless

And alone

With you by my side

That someday you'll be like me

And crave more

Love, learn to chase the horizon

Because I'm running toward it

With or without you

[novemberwas]

I will not give you

A second chance

Because if you loved me

Half as well as I deserve to be loved

You would have told me

You would have shown me

And you never would have left

[novemberwas]

too late

WANT WHEN

                     CAN’T HAVE AND

NOT REALLY

                    SHOCK BECAUSE

NEVER REALLY

                   UNTIL TOO LATE

WAS ALWAYS

                   RIGHT HERE

NOW ALONE

                  I’M NOT

ALWAYS LIKE THIS

                EVERYONE

SINCE 18 AND

               ALWAYS TOO GOOD

FOR THEM

              ANYWAY

WONDERING WHAT IF

             DON’T CARE 

TOO LATE

            SORRY BUT

CAN’T HAVE

           YOU WERE

TOO LATE

           AGAIN

AND

          AGAIN

[novemberwas]

He doesn’t want to be anything

Except with me

And it’s suffocating

[novemberwas]

Emotion

She has a special kind of strength

She pours herself completely into absolutely everything she does

Yet she never lets anyone see her empty

Instead she sits alone on the shower floor 

After the water has been turned off

And lets her dripping hair tell the story

Her tears never will

[novemberwas]

I. I swear I've spent half of the last year Trying to conjure up the memory Of butterflies in my stomach II. So hard for my imagination In its millions of dimensions To make itself fit Inside a box of practicality

[novemberwas]

Secret garden

Your mind was a secret garden

Twisted, tangled with vines

Pulsing with life and color

You kept a lock on the gate

You let me in, and me alone

I explored the thicket

I could have stayed there forever

Bathed in sunlight and butterflies

One day I came and the gate was locked

It’s stayed locked ever since

[novemberwas]

You were supposed to be 

Medication for my broken soul

Recompense for my past relationships

The one I’d waited for forever

Have I put too much faith

In another person?

Say something to make me stay

Don’t just tell me you love me

Because right now that’s not enough

[novemberwas]

I don’t care

If falling in love with you was like skydiving

Falling out is like hitting the ground hard

With no parachute