Terrordactyl pt ∞: Post-Modern Horror
REPORTER: I hear your island offers a cruise with a twist - someone has to die, because there are only enough lifeboats for everyone except one person.
Dr. Wu: That’s right, REPORTER. We find that people like to pay for real thrills, and if the stakes aren’t real - what’s the point? We also offer analogues of popular deliriants like datura to make the cruise even more dangerous.
Dr. Wu: We decided to make this a Titanic themed cruise. We even designed the boat with the same flaws in the metal that caused the original Titanic to sink. At the climax of the cruise, we hit an iceberg and the ship begins sinking.
{flashback to first cruise}
Dr. Wu and Dennis Nedry are seated next to each other. The cruise’s entertainment, LIL BITCH, walks on stage.
{LIL BITCH is a white guy with dreadlocks; imagine Knuckles from Sonic the Hedgehog but extremely caucasian.}
LIL BITCH begins rapping. His entire music career is remixes of a song he calls “PEAS AND CARROTS,” the one song he ever composed in his life.
Five songs in, Dr. Wu elbows D. Nedry.
Dr. Wu: I have a datura analogue. It has to be better than this.
{cut back to the interview}
Dr. Wu: So the rest of the cruise is pretty much impossible to remember, but I’ll do my best to recount what I can access in my semantic/associative/episodic/procedural/habitual memory.
Dr. WU wakes up in the middle of the stage of an ongoing play, GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
{PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES: In this version of the play, Miss Havisham jilts Compeyson at the altar. This play is known for being a feminist subversion of the classic play GREAT EXPECTATIONS by Charles Dicks.}
A giant Jewish star glows in the background. Compeyson is played by Compeyson. Miss Havisham is played by Dr. Wu’s mother.
Compeyson: You converted for me. You can’t leave me.
Dr. Wu’s Mother: There is no amount of money that could make me stay with you.
Compeyson: I could give you anything you wanted. Anything. I don’t understand how anyone could reject me.
Dr. Wu’s Mother: It’s because you’re a sociopath. You could never love anyone.
{the scene from Adventure Time where the Ice King asks why no one loves him and an interdimensional owl says “because you’re a sociopath” plays on repeat in the background}
Dr. Wu’s mother leaves; in the background, Compeyson begins glitching like a badly designed AI.
Dennis Nedry runs into his contact on the Titanic, Miss Pringle.
{the name MISS PRINGLE echoes through eternity}
Miss Pringle: You know what you have to do.
Dennis Nedry: I HAVE TO DRIVE THE SNAKES FROM IRELAND, JUST LIKE ...
SOME GUY IN THE BIBLE DID; WHO CAN REMEMBER WHICH ONE. there were a lot of guys.
[a montage of various Christian figures having an orgy]
{Dennis Nedry snaps out of his reverie as Miss Pringle suddenly morphs into Zeitel, who is holding the Rubaiyat}
Zeital: Who are you? (except said in German)
Dennis Nedry: I AM IN THE WORLD’S SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION.
Zeitel dissolves into a mixture of different snakes and melts. The word RUBAIYAT echoes through D. Nedry’s very being.
Compeyson: {EVERY REVENGE BASED MONOLOGUE FROM SHAKESPEARE’S PLAYS ALL SAID AT THE SAME TIME}
Dennis Nedry looks off the side of the Titanic to see the giant hand from The Stand glowing overhead.
D. Nedry: whoAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The hand crashes into the ocean, completely missing the boat. Dennis Nedry thinks he can see the lost city of Atlantis in the crater that forms.
Dr. Wu is back on the set of GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
Compeyson is wearing a Darth Vader mask and sitting on a mountain of dead prostitutes. Several living prostitutes cling to him.
Compeyson: I will pay you 10 million dollars to kill your mother.
Dr. Wu: There is no amount of money you can pay me to make me turn on my mother.
Compeyson, suddenly in Dr. Wu’s face: DR. WU, I KILLED YOUR FATHER.
Dr. Wu: I know. Why else am I here?
Compeyson: And now I’m going to kill you.
Dr. Wu: I have no regrets. None at all - I love who I am and all that I have experienced. I died being the truest expression of myself.
[as Dr. Wu speaks, one of Compeyson’s prostitutes injects him with an unidentified chemical compound]
[a black star falls from the top of the stage and drags Compeyson down through the floor]
[COMPEYSON finds himself in the middle of Israel and is summarily destroyed in a terrorist attack]
Dr. Wu: Well, I avenged my father’s death. Now what?
DENNIS NEDRY, in the room full of cuckoo clocks from Pinocchio.
Gepetto/D. Nedry: THERE ARE TOO MANY BIRDS IN HERE.
[Dennis Nedry proceeds to destroy each and every clock]
Dr. Wu: So Dennis Nedry here saw a bunch of weird shit. I saw a conspiracy involving the mystery of why my mother is Jewish. You know, I never really thought about why she converted.
Reporter: Interesting. Do you think you’ll be trying this datura analogue again?
Dennis Nedry: I think that shit is too dangerous to ever see the light of day, but Dr. Wu says he worked out his family trauma so I guess your mileage may vary.
Reporter: Reports say that Lil Bitch was never seen again after this incident. Do you have any comments?
DENNIS NEDRY does the sign of the cross.
D. Nedry: Rest in peace, Lil Bitch. You knew the terms when you signed up for our cruise - there are only enough life boats for n (minus 1) guests.
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