Beginning of this year my ex (who has been struggling with lust issues ever since we got together 3 years ago, he was also my first love.) spontaneously got engaged to a girl he had only known for 3 weeks, and he suddenly realised what he was doing was wrong and stupid so he broke up with her. I have been supporting him since last year trying to be an accountability partner to him while being in a relationship with another guy, and i’m not going to lie: it is so hard and so tense in our relationship because of my ex still being in the picture.
But anyway, so he broke up with his fiancee and decided “I am not going to be with another woman for 4 or 5 years, I want to focus on myself and my relationship with God.” Great, I thought. However, recently thats proven to be a lie… or a badly kept promise.
I organised a picnic for our small group. Me, 2 girl friends, my current boyfriend, 2 of his friends, my ex and his friend. Without telling me he brought another woman. A woman he met at the gym. He had mentioned her before at our small group and it always makes me uncomfortable listening to him with other women so I left and went home. I couldn’t get over this girls presence. She is a crossfit chick, long wavy blonde hair, pouty lips, big blue eyes, and long eyelashes. She’s basically every mans dream.
And ever since then I have felt this sick feeling in my whole being, I am going to admit: I do feel very threatened. But I don’t want to be.
And my boyfriend (who I know loves me with all his heart. His sister even told me he’s been planning a proposal for 4 months). Anyway, it’s obvious he finds her attractive because he purposely went out of his way to not make me feel jealous or upset by not talking to her, looking at her and even starting giving me affection.
I’m fed up with trying to help my ex and his relationship with God, it just hurts me to see him backslide and it hurts me to see him with other women I do admit.
He is with her 24/7, although luckily she leaves our town in 3 weeks it still just makes me sick seeing him trying to impress her all the time.
Two nights ago my ex invited a bunch of us to his house for dinner and drinks, it was fun and great until she turned up. Once again he didn’t tell anyone she was coming, but as soon as she was there it’s like she was the only girl in the room and he went back to trying to impress her again which made everyone there rather annoyed and I just felt really sad which was obvious to my boyfriend. She was wearing the worlds tightest and smallest skirt, I even got a glimpse of her lady parts because she stood over me when I was sitting on the floor. Bleh.
My boyfriend was trying to reassure me later by saying “Nah, she looks like a slut. It’s winter I don’t know why she would wear a mini skirt” but later he defended her outfit choices by saying “She’s probably just used to the club scene where it’s warm inside and travelling in a car in between clubs. I can see why (My ex) finds her attractive.”
I don’t know why but him defending her every now and then when he could clearly see that I was threatened by her really hurt my self esteem.
We had a friends dinner that night when he said that, so I used it as an excuse to go into my room and change clothes because I felt really ugly when he started defending her. He said “Why did you change clothes?” and I just said “I just don’t feel good in the other clothes” then we left for a friends house. When we got to my boyfriends friends house and his girlfriend was there as well as her friend, they were talking about my ex’s ex which led to talking about him and his current blonde chick. My boyfriends friend brought the girl up on his phone and talked about how hot she is infront of me and his own girlfriend. We got very uncomfortable, and as a response my boyfriend just looked away and said nothing. I could tell he wanted to agree, and it made me sad. Then my boyfriends friend exclaimed, “Oh she’s a CrossFit chick! Damn, she just got hotter” and my boyfriends eye’s widened and said “Oh” all pleasantly surprised like “Oh, she did just get hotter”. But he looked at me and was like “That’s cool. I like CrossFit. It’s really good”. I go to the gym too but after everything since the picnic my heart sank and felt like it broke because I wanted to cry, I felt like the plainest and ugliest girl in the world. I asked my boyfriend if we can go home now and I was silent the whole drive to his house while he was telling me “Oh by the way, I’m going to the gym with (my ex) tomorrow afternoon and probably go for a hike with him and (the blonde girl) too”, I dropped him off then went to my house. I wanted to cry but my chest was in so much pain I couldn’t get anything out. My brain got flooded with every little thing Satan could possibly think of to tell me that my boyfriend thinks that that woman is better than me and that he has settled for me and he doesnt think im attractive anymore… It just hurt. I hurt all over.
I know for a fact that comparison, jealousy and everything in relation to those feelings are from Satan so I tried bringing up bible verses to comfort me. Nothing really seemed to work.
When I tried saying to myself “There is only one of you in the whole earth, God made you! You are so special to Him!” I also ended up saying to myself “Yeah, but everyone is special to God, he feels that way with anyone. Everyone is his masterpiece”
No matter what I said to myself to try and make myself believe that I’m special or beautiful I just kept getting this knot in my chest and this feeling of “I’m just me. I am ordinary”
The only thing that has given me comfort (as small as it is) is Isaiah 26:3 “You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you.” and Luke 10:20 “Be glad because your names are written in heaven.”
I still feel really upset and my chest hurts all over still even as I’m writing this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to tell myself to feel better. It feels like God’s promises have lost their “ompf”, their weight, their sting.
I just can’t believe it. And it scares me.
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