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[nunbot9k]

im being abused again arent i. itll never end man.

[nunbot9k]

these past few days ive been starving myself and skipping workouts not even on purpose i just dont wanna do anything. i eat one meal a day and my stomach keeps growling i dont get ennough protein i dont even have it in me to make my shake i cant do anything i want to be taken care of for once

[nunbot9k]

i wish at least one of them loved me back even though the love i feel for them is definitely dissapointing and lackluster. i dont wanna be their last resort i hate being ignored id rather be rejected why are you keeping me around. you wont reply to me but you interact with me on tumblr. you only wanna spend time with me on your own terms. i deserve people that are nice to me i really believe i do

[nunbot9k]

these past few days ive been starving myself and skipping workouts not even on purpose i just dont wanna do anything. i eat one meal a day and my stomach keeps growling i dont get ennough protein i dont even have it in me to make my shake i cant do anything i want to be taken care of for once

[nunbot9k]

i feel like theres something missing in me and i hateee essentialism but thats basically wghat this is. i was born awful and persistent and difficult. the other option is the way i was raised required its removal/didnt allow it to be given to me. the point is im avoidant and cannot connect emotionally with anyone

[nunbot9k]

this is all deeply unserious btw not even i believe this crap. theres a ot of things i wasnt given bc of my upbringing but i worked on myself. i developped these on my own i just cant do it with this one or i havent tried enough isk. its easier to blame my family for this because the fact that im probaby like that by choice is just pathetic

[nunbot9k]

i feel like theres something missing in me and i hateee essentialism but thats basically wghat this is. i was born awful and persistent and difficult. the other option is the way i was raised required its removal/didnt allow it to be given to me. the point is im avoidant and cannot connect emotionally with anyone

[nunbot9k]

i feel like nothing is really for me ever like im eating someone elses food spending time with someone elses boyfriends not even my face and body are mine

[nunbot9k]

i only own my clothes. i love them i made most of them with my own hands or went through tons and tons of items to find them and that makes them feel earned. really mine

[nunbot9k]

i dont wanna own someone i just wanna be their first choice i feel so lame and difficult and ugly

[nunbot9k]

i feel like nothing is really for me ever like im eating someone elses food spending time with someone elses boyfriends not even my face and body are mine

[nunbot9k]

i only own my clothes. i love them i made most of them with my own hands or went through tons and tons of items to find them and that makes them feel earned. really mine

[nunbot9k]

i feel like nothing is really for me ever like im eating someone elses food spending time with someone elses boyfriends not even my face and body are mine

[nunbot9k]

my boyfriend told me he wants to stop calling me wife because he only wants to call his other partner that and like. i cant say no to that and its stupid but it was my favorite nickname and i liked it a lto we always called each other things like that ive known him for almost a decade and in everyones head weve always been a duo and i liked that

[nunbot9k]

i mean thats whati geet for not wanting to commit but yeah it hurts because i loved it

[nunbot9k]

my boyfriend told me he wants to stop calling me wife because he only wants to call his other partner that and like. i cant say no to that and its stupid but it was my favorite nickname and i liked it a lto we always called each other things like that ive known him for almost a decade and in everyones head weve always been a duo and i liked that

[nunbot9k]

i wish i was just a normal cute girl

[nunbot9k]

i wish i could date cis men and be submissive and bottom but i just genuinely cant

[nunbot9k]

i wish i was just a normal cute girl

[nunbot9k]

my heart feels really heavy today i cant study i cant do anything i just wanna curl up and cry on someones chest and thats even worse because i know theres no one willing to let that happen

[nunbot9k]

all my parents want to talk to me abt is uni and finances what do you waannnttt from me. youve literally made me sick i can never be with anyone and now my body is sick too is this not fucking enough

[nunbot9k]

i feel psyxhotic but im genuinely losing it over all that. how is this even happening to me of all people

[nunbot9k]

all my parents want to talk to me abt is uni and finances what do you waannnttt from me. youve literally made me sick i can never be with anyone and now my body is sick too is this not fucking enough

[nunbot9k]

And because of the whole hypothyroidism situation I'm stuck in a cycle of hate. And it's burning me quite literally I feel my insides boiling evrry time I think about it. Since it's an autoimmune disease my doctor thinks it was caused by extreme stress and I can only think of one fucking group of people that could have done it to me. And I fucking hate my family for this I want to scream and kick and cry that they're killing me because who else could be responsible for this. I whine about my boyfriends all the time but it's not causing me any actual mental pain long term. A few hours it's gone from my mind but my family torments me 24/7. They've caused me such sickness. Both mental and physical I feel like I need to leave before things get worse. I can feel my body rotting from the inside from the hate I feel for these people every word we exchange every touch I feel violent. What else do you want from me I feel like they've ruined me in every way possible

[nunbot9k]

I also hate how into them I am. Both of them. They're amazing people and I'm extremely people with who I hang out with. Even pickier with who I date and sleep with. I consider them extremely beautiful and interesting. Smart and entertaining. When I like someone I try to like all of them. Because I show care through touch I can't not like their body I can't just tolerate it. If a person is ugly and filthy in my eyes it's set. Black and white I either think you're beautiful or I don't. So it's weird for me to be treated with neutrality. Disinterest. And God I just can't stand the silence most of all. Being so ugly you don't deserve a reply back. So mediocre and unlovable they'd rather pretend they don't see your attempts of bonding. It's gross. Maybe I'm just used to people being all over me. Begging me to hang out. To be seen together. To take pictures with me. Thinking I'm the coolest ever and my interests and looks are amazing. I don't understand if it's because I'm closer with those people so they've seen the real me and decided I'm just a fraud