[ocean-is-healing]

Why are we here?

This blog is me telling my story. I feel like I’ve gone through stuff and dealt with stuff that people can perhaps connect with, or maybe even take some value in. But, all in all, it’s for me to really remember and connect with parts and gaps of my past I can’t remember. I will be going in order of my childhood to who I am now. All of the names of these people will be changed and I will be called Ocean in this these stories.

Content warnings:

•Self harm

•Hypersexuality

•Sexual trauma

•Body hatred

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Episode 43 - Sickly

As a kid, I always felt sick. It was always something. Stomach ache, head ache, sore throat, or just an overall feeling of crumminess. But because I always felt sickly, it got to the point where no one believed me when I said I wasn’t feeling good. 

The school nurse definitely got tired of seeing me and was sure I was just looking for an excuse to get out of class. But 90% of the time, I genuinely felt sick. And it really did suck that no one believed me. 

I would just feel weak and gross and stuffy and could barely move but everyone just told me to ‘walk it off.’ 

And now that I’m older, I do still feel like something is wrong. I have lots of difficulty breathing, occasional chest pains, and I have chronic exhaustion. But I still don’t fucking know why my damn body is like this. And I hate not knowing because it is TERRIFYING. 

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Episode 42 - Clothes

Growing up with 3 older brothers meant that I picked up a lot on their habits. I wanted to be just like them. I remember when I tried to pee standing up like them. I didn’t understand that I was a girl and they were boys. To me, I was just like them, just less hairy.

And this came through with his I dressed. They would always hang around the house in their underwear, so, of course, I did too. And no one in the family really cared. My parents didn’t care how tomboyish I was because of COURSE I was tomboyish. 

However, it was near the end of 3rd grade my mom started telling me I had to wear clothes all the time. I was ANGRY about this. Because I found it completely unfair that the boys get to still walk around in their underwear but now just because I’m getting older, I have to? I would argue and throw tantrums about this a lot. 

Geez, growing up is definitely interesting. 

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Episode 41 - Bangs

I swear, as a could, I could not stop cutting my bangs. I hated having bangs with a passion and wanted them GONE. However, I didn’t understand that in order to get rid of bangs, you had to let them grow out. I thought you had to cut up high enough and chop the bangs completely off. 

And so, when I would ask my mom to cut my bangs and she wouldn’t do it the way I want, that being, cut OFF, I would sneak into her bathroom and cut my hair on my own terms. All the way until I couldn’t feel them touching my forehead anymore….

I did this on more than one occasion, btw. 

I ONCE DID THIS ON PICTURE DAY. 

My mom… oh, my poor mother 🥲

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Episode 40 - Gay???

I’ll never forget when I first ever heard the term gay be used. It was in the classroom in third grade and we were waiting for the bell to ring to end the school day. Me and Daenerys were standing together and playing with the stuffed animal key chains on her backpacks pretending they were having a wedding. 

“Oh! Let’s get these two married now!”

“No, they can’t get married! They’re both boys, that’d make them gay!”

The teacher heard this and went, “Daenerys!!”

I love bringing this story up to her to this day because it never fails to make me laugh. She can probably think of dozens of similar things I’ve said as a kid that are equally as embarrassing. However, this day did plant in my mind the concept of being ‘gay.’ 

I started seeing it more in YouTube, too. MLP fanart reels of the characters kissing and my mom catching me and making me stop watching, me watching even MORE MLP videos, one being a toy-roleplay where instead of cutting the hair of a female character and making her a boy (like they usually did in those videos), both characters were actually girls, and it was a plot point. 

This actually fascinated me, all of it. It was so foreign. After watching that video, I tried reenacting that video with my own toys, and when I gently smooshed their plastic faces together to ‘kiss’, I suddenly felt like I had done something wrong, so I got up and left the toy room to stop playing for the day 😭

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Episode 39 - New girl

In third grade, during the middle of the school year, a new girl came to our class. Her name was Daenerys (it’s an inside joke). I didn’t realize it then, but this was the greatest day of my life. We weren’t super ultra close at first, but I still would hang out with her. She was new, so I had to make her feel welcomed! And that’s what I set myself to. To be her friend. 

She was incredibly smart. She was a huge bookworm and loved high fantasy. 

And she’s my best friend.

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Episode 38 - Godfather

My godfather, Larry, is a priest! Him and my dad had been friends since middle school. I’ve always loved him so much. When he’d drive in and visit with my dad, the two of them smoking, but them not wanting me to know lol

I would always jump into his arms when I’d see him. It was instinct. 

Though, one day, me and my family went to a farmers market and I saw him there, taking to a couple of people. Of course, out of instinct, I ran to him and jumped onto him. 

“Father Larry!” I exclaimed in joy, however, instead of scooping me up and saying “Heya pumpkin!” like he usually did, he awkwardly shoved me off. He looked at the people he was talking to and says, “She’s my goddaughter.”

That.. made me really sad. The fact that he seemed almost embarrassed and not happy to see me.

Looking back on it, with the context that I have now, this was around the time with the scandal with the priests being weird with kids. Of course, Father Larry is not like that, but, ya, it definitely wasn’t a good time for him to have me running into his arms. But, of course, back then, I didn’t know that. To me, I thought I had done something wrong. That he was mad at me. And that stuck with me for years.

It makes me sad now, but not for the same reasons it did back then. It makes me sad that he felt like he needed to push me away. Maybe not even ‘felt like’, but needed to push me away. 

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Episode 37 - Disabled

I’m the last episode, I mentioned my first time skiing. Well, during that time, I noticed that my mom wasn’t joining us. Growing up, I always knew my mom was ‘different.’ She was born with clubbed feet and had a metal hip, which meant that she was physically disabled. However, I didn’t really know what that meant. To me, it was just my mom’s unique quirks, and I didn’t understand that it hindered her. I didn’t know what the word ‘disabled’ entailed. I remembered growing up, being grossed out by her feet, and the scars on her hip. She was incredibly proud of them, but growing up, I wasn’t able to appreciate and admire her strength. I just saw them as.. ugly traits. Geez, I was a brat child. I remembered growing up being so sad and confused as to why she wasn’t skiing with us. While we had fun on the mountains, she just stood by. It made me feel really guilty. But she says that she had a really fun time still, so that’s good.

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Episode 36 - Skiing

Around this time, 3rd or 4th grade, me and my family went to New Mexico to go skiing in the spring! This was actually my first ever time seeing snow.

It was incredible. I had never seen mountains so close, or ever been so cold. It was such a unique experience. Going on the lift, me and Ian talking about Minecraft and cartoons along the way, my dad teaching me how to ski, falling down and struggling SO much to get up. I also remember the cabin we stayed at had a hot tub and I was super excited to hangout in it with my dad and brothers. Sadly, the fumes/steam from it ended up filling my lungs and I started to suffocate and I nearly threw up. I remember running out of the hot tub, through the cabin and sobbing, trying so desperately to gasp for air but unable to, no matter how hard I tried. So.. not fun. And it highkey kind of traumatized me 😭

Skiing was such a fun experience, and I really wish I got to see snow more often. Sadly, growing up in the south means that that likelihood is very low.

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Episode 35: Hazel

Tw for animal neglect

When I was in third grade, we got a great dane named Hazel. I remember when we were in the process of adopting her and we were debating names, all the names I ‘came up with’ were just My Little Pony character names. Thank goodness my dad didn’t eventually budge, despite my begging, because as I got older, having a dog named Fluttershy would’ve been embarrassing. 

And.. Hazel was sweet. A but stupid, but she just wanted love.. Fuck, she deserved love. We didn’t really… care for her the way she deserved. Ya, we fed her, watered her, and she had a huge backyard to run around in. But because we didn’t properly train her at a young age, she was wild. We couldn’t take her places because she was huge and out of control. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault. She just wanted someone to play with her, instead be alone in the backyard for hours everyday. We wouldn’t even take her to the groomer, so her nails.. poor girl’s nails..

And her cage… her cage. She was an outside dog and slept in a cage inside, but the cage wasn’t a proper cage, not for a great dane. Ya, it was a big cage, but not for a great dane. And she would whine, and whine, and whine, and we would just yell at her, occasionally hit her cage… Fuck, she deserved so much better. 

And I was recently talking to my dad about her and how we mistreated her. His response was with equal guilt. 

“Ya. I know when I die, that’s something I’m going to have to pay recompense with with God. I’ve got no excuse other than I bit off more than I could chew when I got her.”

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Episode 34. Ian and the Farts

Ian was really goofy as a kid, and since he was essentially my best friend, his humor rubbed off on me. He would make fart noises with his armpit, but I was unable to do that, but I could do it with my legs! So, I showed it off and my parents thought it was the funniest thing. Thus started our band, Ian and the Farts, where we just made fart noises and made up nonsensical lyrics on the spot. How fun..

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Episode 33. Crushes

There was one boy in my elementary school class who was known for having a crush on every one of the girls in our class. I was relatively good friends with him, since I was good friends with everyone. But, I do remember this one convo some people were having with him. 

“Do you like <redacted>?”

“Yep!”

“How about <redacted>?

“Mhm!”

“What about Ocean?”

“Oh, no.”

That hurt younger me’s pride so badly, omg- 😭

Also, growing up, I think most kids were forced to have ‘crushes’ by our peers. I was no different. In second grade, there was Bryan. A really nice kid and I still know him to this day and he’s really attractive. Everyone liked him because he was nice, cute, and the fastest boy in class. In 4th grade, there was Camilo. I thought he was cute, therefore, I thought I had a crush on him. But… one of my friends told him I ‘liked’ him, so he came up to me, and…

Camilo: Do you like me?

Me: …What..?

Camilo: Daisy told me you liked me.

….Ya, I broke down sobbing and avoided him like the plague. 

But I did have what were legitimate crushes. In third grade, there was this boy who was kind of a little shit and a bit rude, but he was really nice to me, so I had a small crush on him. And in 4th grade, there was one boy I actually had a crush on named Laurence. But, Laurence was moving away in the middle of the year, so the teacher had us all sign him a goodbye card. Another one of my friends signed “P.S: Ocean likes/liked you.” I broke down sobbingggggg. Man, 4th grade was not a good year to have crushes, huh?

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Episode 32. Gacha

Tw for mention of sexual trauma

Ok, this isn’t gonna fun. Just.. embarrassing. Ya, I was a Gacha kid. Gacha 2018 baby! I was obsessed with it, with all those stupid as hell boys vs girls singing challenges, characters react, and the hybrid princess stuff. I wanted to be a gachatuber so badly. Thank God I never became one. I was into lots of YouTubers, RosyClozy, NotZoe, and several other smaller YouTubers. Yea… this community did contribute more to my sexual trauma.

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Mini Episode 3

despite being in 5th grade, I was still on that My Little Pony grind. Plus Minecraft XD

In this sketchbook, though, I did find art of I think 6th grade? Or maybe just next semester of 5th grade. I don’t feel like doing the math rn lol

Ya, Aphmau and Gacha was definitely becoming a huge part of my life by that point

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Episode 31. Gaps

I have made a big skip in ages. I’m already in late elementary. And there is a reason for this. There are lots of missing gaps in my memories of childhood. The reason is because I was on the computer… all the time. This was around the point where it consumed me, took over my entire life, my entire soul. Every waking hour, I was on the computer. 

I was addicted to it. There was a password that all my brothers knew except me. And I would have to beg them to put it in for me. I was so addicted to it that I literally licked the floor because they said they would put the password in if I did. This isn’t meant for me to go “haha, dang, wasn’t I goofy and desperate?” No. This was early signs of my addictive personality. But it was just ignored and chalked up to “You’re addicted and it’s your fault” rather than being given actual help. Actual support. I was blamed.

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Episode 30. Anime

The first anime I had ever seen was Powerpuff Girls Z. I have no idea how I got my grubby little hands on it, but I did. And I was obsessed with it. But I didn’t really understand what anime was. I also watched Glitter Force and Glitter Force Doki Doki. Yes, I know those are the whitewashed versions, but that’s what I grew up with. I also watched Snow White With The Red Hair and Little Witch Academia. The first anime that I ever watched with the knowledge that it was anime and what anime was was either Magic-Kyun Renaissance or Tokyo Mew Mew, but those are later in life

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Episode 29. Minecraft Roleplays

I cannot begin to describe to you guys what a chokehold this specific genre of YouTube had on me. Aphmau really kicked it off with me becoming obsessed with Phoenix Drop High and eventually her entire My Street series. I never finished it, sadly, because on the last season, I was just so confused with everything happening. Looking back on it, Aphmau’s story telling was…… questionable. She incorporated an incest plot line with Ian and Aphmau being half siblings which is like… WHY???? I know Aphmau’s character never liked him romantically but it’s still a huge yikes. Plus, Aphmau’s character was just a Mary Sue. And then there was Aphmau and Aaron’s age gap…. BUT IDC ABOUT THESE FLAWS BECAUSE IT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART!!!

I grew up with lots of other Minecraft roleplays too! AviatorGaming’s Glenwood Prep, PinkDiamondDiva’s My Minecraft Life, Kiazz/Kiki’s Blood Academy (which I think has been taken off of YouTube because I can no longer find the series or her channel ☹️), and ItzMomo’s Wyvern Wings. Also, Little Kelly and Little Carly.