Phantom Limbs

Sharing Discontent since 1993.

[odesseynoracle]

I probably should have gone to sleep like an hour ago since I’m working both jobs tomorrow BUT I get to scrub in on another surgery so I’ve been doing all this research on it and I’m really excited. 

I honestly have never been this excited to go into a job before but I’ve been this way all week. Every time I go into work I learn something new and one of the doctors I’m working with is so incredibly kind and pushes me out of my comfort zone to make me learn. And it feels great. I got myself to a really low point of confidence while at Davis where I constantly questioned whether the vet field was even tangible. But after working with a great doctor and staff who is so positive and encouraging I know I’m where I need to be. 

[odesseynoracle]

The veterinarian that owns the clinic I work at is named Dr. Grey and she is probably the meanest vet I've ever met. Like in your face, pissed off, anything that is not done by her is wrong, kind of terrible. And the entire time I'm thinking holy crap, this is basically Ellis Grey in a vets body. But good thing she's only here in the morning and I don't come in until like 2.

[xhba]

isolating yourself is great until you look back and realize you really don’t have anyone at all

[odesseynoracle]

My aunt is having me dog sit at her ~weekend home~ in Napa while she goes to a dinner party. I get the entire house to myself for the night. She even made me a bomb ass dinner. 

Remind me why I’m moving back home again?

[odesseynoracle]

Lololol I looked up all my student loan debt and started calculating finances for once I move back home and now the sun is up and I can't sleep from stress. :)

[odesseynoracle]

Today I:

Woke up at noon

Went to work

Picked up dinner

Watched 4 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy

Wrote out my schedule for the next couple weeks

Attempted to look for a big girl job

Continued to watch more Grey’s

Post grad life is like one long extended summer. Or at least until I find a decent job. 

[loversdreamersandyou]

[odesseynoracle]

I’m so fucking tired of people giving me looks of disappointment and pity whenever I tell them I’m taking time off between undergrad and applying to vet school. 

I admit now, i spread myself way too thin within the last four years. I’ve constantly had a job, at times even two, where I would work 30+ hours a week. On top of that, I kept internships that required a minimum of 5-10 hours a week. I took care of EVERYTHING in my apartment for the past 2 years. I took summer courses every year and barely went home to catch a break. There were two deaths of people very close to me my freshmen year of college that I’m still trying to deny happened. I’ve had a million different roommate issues that constantly made me uncomfortable and feel like that I had no sense of privacy. 

And you know what I got through all of that while only getting one C on my transcript and never failing a course. Granted I made a lot of stupid mistakes along the way.

I have had one academic goal for the majority of my life and to get there and be successful at it I need a break. These past four years have not been easy for me. If anything they have been a living hell. I have driven myself into a sick mental state where I know I will probably need help because where I’m at right now is not healthy. 

I need to have a life outside of school before I immerse myself into a profession that is extremely difficult. There is no point in going into something as difficult as vet school with little vigor. 

I will make it to where I need to be. I just need time. Even if it is one or two years. I will get there. 

[dykke-deactivated20120923]

[odesseynoracle]

This is my last round of finals for undergrad and I can’t focus at ALL. I need be fucking done. 

[kdramastuff]

[capacity]

Me

[odesseynoracle]

Turning 22 in 17 days.

What a perfect time in life to become single. 

[odesseynoracle]

It has just hit me that I will be done with undergrad in less than two weeks. And all I can say is that I am so fucking excited and terrified all at the same time. 

Like FUCK this just got too real. Holy. Shit. 

[odesseynoracle]

My last final is in 13 days.          

I graduate in 17 days. 

I move out of my old apartment and into my summer place in 25 days. 

Where did all the time go? 

[odesseynoracle]

I recently found out that a good friend of mine ended her relationship of six years to the guy she had full intentions of marrying. 

Usually, hearing these things don’t bother me as long as I know my friends are all okay. 

But this time, it just really bothered me. My friend and her now ex had been doing a long distance relationship for a few years since he’s been doing his PhD work in Vancouver, Canada.  In September, he got the opportunity to do some research at Davis and of course he took it so they could move in together and have a year of no distance. However, after living with each other for almost a year, they decided to call it quits. 

The last time I had lunch with her, all she could talk about was how happy she was that they’re living together again and how she’s saving money for a possible wedding. 

All I could think about when I heard her and her boyfriend broke up was damn, this is my worst fear when it comes to my relationship. David and I have been doing the long distance thing the entirety of my college education, and who knows where I’m going for vet school. We’ve talked about how when he’s done with school he’ll probably move out to where I’m at and find work. But what if once we move in together it just doesn’t work? What if we realize that the only reason why our relationship worked was because we only saw each other for short periods of time?

It’s hard for me to think about this kind of stuff because I know if it happens, I’ll just look at all the years of long distance as a waste of my time. Years of working up a relationship wishing the distance to end only to realize the distance is what made it work. 

Long distance sucks. And after dropping David off at the airport tonight, all I’ve been hoping is that we make it past it. 

[odesseynoracle]

It's 4:30 and I can't fucking sleep just because of the fucking day I've had. I mean a ticket isn't THAT bad but fuck I have zero respect for any law enforcement, especially in Davis. They're all high on power and I knew he was purposefully trying to provoke me to say something just by the way he talked to me. I just can't fucking get over it. Yes, it was my first ticket, but no you don't have to laugh and say, "Well sucks for you that I don't give warnings doesn't it?" And then continue on with a speech saying how he could care less about what I thought on the situation because he had the control. I literally asked one question. I just asked how much the ticket might be. I didn't want his sympathy. I wasn't trying to get out of it. But his "I don't know how much it will be and I don't want to hear about anybmoney problems from you. Everyone has money problems. You can deal with it" tangent was so fucking unnecessary. Jesus fucking Christ I am livid. And I hate how my computer died with only 4 weeks until graduation. Like it really couldn't have done it afterward? All my lab reports are on there and I won't get it back for a week. Fucking fantastic. I really should be looking forward to the next week but everything is going wrong right now and I can't fucking handle it. I hate when things are out of my control like this. I keep thinking if there is something terrible I did to someone for karma to get me back like this. I just hope everything starts to turn around soon or else I'm going to fucking lose it.

[odesseynoracle]

Within the past 2 days I: - Had my computer die because my logic board was fried - Was told it'll take 5 days to fix my computer - Got a traffic ticket on my way to turn in my computer because I "Did not roll through a stop sign but rather did not stop long enough" - Missed a second pop quiz because I didn't hear my alarm This week has been fucking awful.