Wayward A-Fuckity-F

@officialbrianab-blog

I'm an actress on Supernatural. Luck me! This is a place to swear, mom, and relish in your badass self.

323 posts

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Kim Rhodes & Briana Buckmaster ❤️~ SPN Orlando 2018

One of the shots my talented bud @ryanparkersphotos did for me over the holidays. Hey Ryan! Remember when we had to learn to juggle for Something Happened On The Way To The Forum..?? And I STILL CANT DO IT 😂 #theatreschool

Back at work on the cartoon today. Repping #SPN like a boss. 💋✌🏻(Some of you were asking for a selfie so HERE) (#notthescoobydooepisode) #noshameinmyselfiegame

#noshameinmyselfiegame #notthescoobydooepisode #spn

“We are not mad. We are human. We want to love, and someone must forgive us for the paths we take to love, for the paths are many and dark, and we are ardent and cruel in our journey.” 🖤 -Leonard Cohen Back to the grindstone this week. Next up: singin my tits off recording my album w/ @jasonmannsmusic 🎶 ✍🏻

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My husbands entire family lives in Mexico City and are luckily safe. But others are still trying to find their loved ones or are without homes to go to. There are many incredible people helping. It really is an unbelievable country and their people pull together at times like this. My family is on the ground helping others. Mostly in hospitals as 4 of them are medical professionals, but there's always more we can do. Ill be donating part of my NJ convention income to the disaster relief. I'll be posting more information on Twitter of ways you an help if you are able to. #vivamexico 🇲🇽

Some people just have the natural ability to pick up any instrument and instantly be able to play it. I am not one of those people.... 😉 #spnpitt

#tbt to that time I was glammed up to be Atomic Blonde by @stardustandmelancholy and @vicrighthand 🖤💀

Terrified and thrilled and overwhelmed and stoked that this is something I am lucky enough to get the opportunity to do. #therearenowords #butlotsofsinging ❤️🎤@jasonmannsmusic

#butlotsofsinging #therearenowords

Ohhhh shiiiiit 💪🏻 #waywardaf #waywardstrong #gishwhes

#waywardstrong #waywardaf #gishwhes

‪FML what have I gotten myself into. Hold me. #WaywardAF #gishwhes #Gdate ‬(link in bio)

#gdate #gishwhes #waywardaf

Baboomski #waywardstrong 💪🏻

I have a confession... I don’t belong here.

I’m not usually one to to say how she feels, let alone write down how she feels, but recent events have made it hard to hide where I’m at, so I thought I’d take a page from my good friend’s book and lay it all out here. To see if it helps.

Over the last few months really exciting things have been happening. Some things you know about, some you don’t. Suffice it to say life is good. And I’m terrified. I am utterly a fish out of water. I am lost and confused. And no one knows it. My life used to be small. I was a sun flower in a small garden. I thrived on what water I had and was fine. Fine. ish. I wanted more. I pretended that I knew more than I did so that I wouldn’t seem like such and outsider to my peers. Fake it till you make it, right? I knocked down doors that were locked and found opportunities that were hidden away form me. I was succeeding at the unimaginable. And then I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. Until I found myself weeping from a broken back because I had been pushing at brick walls that wouldn’t budge. I’d pushed too hard. And I became so terrified that I would be discovered as a fraud that I became selfish and insensitive. All to conceal a devastating fact. I don’t belong here.

I grew up on a small farm. We as kids worked the farm to help out. My mother moved us around where she could find work when my father lost his eyesight. we struggled always but we survived. This isn’t meant to be a pity party. My folks are strong as fuck. My point is, none of this is supposed to happen to girls like me. I was just a girl who loved to make people laugh, who loved the theatre and was terrified of being invisible. But recent events have put me in a position where lack of anonymity is making my screw ups more prevalent to some. And its an awful feeling. I try really hard to appear to be a person that is supposed to live in this kind of situation I’m in, because I love it here. But the secret is, I have no idea what I’m doing. So I fuck up. And I perhaps come across as self-absorbed and opportunistic as a sad attempt to look mightier than the small town girl that I really am. This is my way of keeping people far enough away that they wont see the cracks in my armour.

Here’s my other big secret. I love a lot. Like A LOT. I cant help it. My attraction to good humans can not be harboured and I am not ashamed. You look at my phone and I generally have 7 text threads going on any given day. I want to know everything about you at all times. I want you to share your deepest passions and griefs with me. I wanna know you inside and out! Here’s the thing, I don’t like to let people love me. Fucked up right? I want to love you but I don’t want you to need me. Cause I’ll disappoint you and you’ll go away and then it’ll all be for nothing. If I’m really scared of your love i’ll be unemotional, or distant, or if you’re really lucky- I might even be mean.

Anyway this is my point: This exact life I’m living right now is a combination of my greatest dream and my most terrifying nightmare. I am not invisible and I can’t escape the love and the loving needs of others. I’m living a life that many including myself have only dreamed of. And I’m terrified that I’m just going to screw it all up.

So I’m writing this to let you know I’m going to work really really hard and do my absolute best to not fuck this up. Any of it. This is the steepest learning curve I’ve ever had in my life and I can no longer hide the fact that I feel in over my head. But stick with me, K? I’ll figure it all out really soon.

Thank you for everything that you’ve given me and the patience you continue to give me. I’m sorry if it seems like I’ve taken your love for granted. It’s actually just the opposite. I just didn’t want you to know ;)

#waywardaf #waywardstrong

Classic us 👯#waywardstrong (link in bio)

http://bit.ly/s_bf

Baboomski #waywardAF @waywarddaughtersacademy @kimrhodes4reals @shopstands

Happy birthday @kimrhodes4reals. I don't know what we did to deserve you, but I thank my lucky stars every day. ❤❤❤

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