I would never hurt Casey but Casey dying and Kai having to put on a brave face and take care of the kids and continue working and being alone from that point forward (no fucking chance he's ever remarrying i promise you that) and doing everything he can to set the kids up for success but knowing deep in his heart he can't die. He has to be there. Every ounce of him want ato give up. Every learned instinct is telling him to quit but he can't. He is kept alive and functioning exclusively through obligation. He puts on a brave face but he's dead. Casey took his soul with him. There's nothing here for him anymore. The light at the end of the tunnel was an optical illusion. The darkness will never NEVER fade. Lou tries to break through, to tell him it's okay to mourn and struggle and hurt. But nothing works. There's nothing behind his eyes anymore, he is fully checked out. Lou never gives up. He doesn't have it in him. But Kai slowly drifts out to sea and he knows deep down theres nothing he can do about it. So he is forced to focus on his life and his family. He can't keep pouring energy into a lost cause. Kai of course sees this as Lou giving up on him, and hates himself for feeling that way.
And when the kids are grown and he's set them up as best as he can, he's disappearing. He knows it's abandonment. He knows his kids still need him and love him and want him in their lives, but he can't. He fucks off to the home him and Casey were supposed to retire to and just lets himself fall apart, he's not planning on making it out alive anyway. No calls get through to him. Your have to show up at his door to see him and you are not getting him out. If you try, he cuts you out of his life.
He writes sometimes. A lot of letters, a lot of them to casey, which get lovingly and dutifully placed in the keepsake box with their vows. Some of them are to the living. Friends, siblings, children. None are sent. None are perfect. Drafts and drafts if what he has to say, but no desire to communicate any of it.
He finally gives in. It's finally over. The comforting embrace of slowly killing himself until the morning he forgets to open his eyes. Alone and surrounded by his mistakes. He always knew he would die like this, he thinks, and it was foolish to ever allow himself to be convinced otherwise.
