it is well, with my soul @ohmylimabeans-blog - Tumblr Blog

future husband

so I know God is going to bring me someone, but for the time being, after the overload of kdramas, I've been thinking of what I hope my husband will be like.

personality

1. is a godly man

2. perhaps more introverted like me, but warm

3. touchy person (in terms of not turning stiff when I give him a hug)

4. loves me and everyone around him

4. wise

6. caring

looks

1. taller than me (5' 7" or more)

2. toned (can beat people in arm wrestling but cannot rip off someone's head)

3. asian (defined cheekbones/asian eyes)

etc.

1. plays a musical instrument (would be cool...it's okay if not...)

2. adventurous

3/3/15

Oh my, it's been a while. Even the style on tumblr has changed. But so much more in my life has changed, and sometimes I really just need to write it out.

Dear Jenny,

dear high school best friend. I hope we stay friends forever -- if not, for a long time. things have changed, yes, so much has changed, and I know our worlds have seemed to diverged so mch -- as you're in the world, but I'm now, in my pursuit of Jenny, living for eternity.

I love you so much. Of course I hope we never drift apart. I'm sure there are things we don't share with each other, things we can't share with each other, things just words just can't comprehend -- those long nights, those tears the loads of laughter and why exactly you keep playing Someone Like You on repeat, the long lone walks back to the dorm when the night light is just perfect and really the only song on repeat is the song of silence.

I miss you a lot too. I miss the way we were -- high school had some incredibly beautiful moments -- things you don't value in the moment -- but perhaps that's what makes those moments beautiful.

I need to finish this later -- miss you so much, hope to see your beautiful face soon.

Kelsey

Wow God.

I just realized how many people have been hurt by the church. It's kind of crazy. And I dont mean in current day -- but even the philosophs, like watching from the sidelines, have seen how families were split apart, people kills, horrible things happened in the name of religion. I'm sorry God, that the church used you as an excuse for violence. And I'm sorry philosophs for how you have been hurt by the church.

I know it hurts. it hurts right now still. but I just need to forgive.

Kelsey

10/12/14 1:19am

dear future husband,

long time no write. it's been...almost a year. about 362 days since the last letter. this year, yes, you've been coming up in my thoughts, less often in my words. but i'm writing to you after talking about you to my friend liz. liz is my floormate at berkeley dorm. I love her. it is so lovely to share how I feel about you were her. it is odd, and beautiful. this honesty is so incredibly beautiful.

how are you? really, how are you? i wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you are playing the guitar? how do your eyes crinkle when you laugh? according to my roommate grace, I like guys with intense eyes and sharp jawbones. but even if you don't have any of those, don't worry, the outside barely matters.

I really wish I could know you now. but you know, it's funny, but you've been appearing less in my thoughts. I'm sorry, but....not. I think I want to grow in God. Like really, just devoting my love to Him. I'll serve Him, and you will follow in the picture.

when I wrote a letter to you last year, I don't know how obvious it was, but I was really still seeking that love. and holy crap, yes, it's a daily struggle to not seek, through kdrama, manga, rando cute guys on campus, this concept/idea/dream of romantic love. but now...I know...that meeting you will not bring my life's fulfillment.

I'm sorry but not sorry, because I think you will understand. I hope you will recklessly pursue God as your first love as well. because our family is going to be beautiful -- so beautiful -- God will be our head, and we will simply be a family, a loving family, unit, of followers. man I'm so excited to think of names for our children together.

I'm telling you this ahead of time, but [enter name here], I have a lot of insecurities. and I'm sorry you'll have to deal with them. but Jesus has been convicting me of who I am, and helping me to be honest with Him through Him. and I'm just so grateful to be at berkeley, right now. because God has brought me here for a reason. and whether or not I meet you in this city, in this school, or a decade for now -- nowhere close to Berkeley, I will wait for you.

I will wait for you.

there's this beautiful slam poetry liz showed me yesterday about waiting for the right one, and seriously, those are some drop dead gorgeous words, oh gosh, they just consume my soul.

so, yes. I will wait for you.

are you in college right now? I wonder if you are a freshman in college as well. wasn't the transition period hard? It was hard for me. but it was in that lonely time I realized how desperately I needed God. and yeah...so begins the pursuit to chase after God.

what is your name? I really just want to know your name. I hope your name isn't Kevin -- just because the two crushes in high school were both on guys named Kevin...and seriously....just....it would be so ironic meeting you/dating you and then just questioning why I am so attracted to Kevins and it would just be straight up weird. anyway, I hope your name is something wondering and beautiful like the vegan chicken nuggets in the foothill dining commons. I also hope you have a good sense of humor. and that you'll be a good father.

I didn't think about it before, but I'm going to start praying for you everyday. yes, I'm going to pray in faith that you'll come, you'll come, one day.

I'll wait for you.

love,

kelsey

p.s. hubby, I know my words are mincing. I know I sound like a strong independent woman who could just kind of, i don't know, maybe, ehhh, have a man in her life, to be a husband or something. but I just wanted to let you know -- I am so excited, so excited to meet you. to love you. to spend our days together. I'm sorry if I sound less excited that before, or less desperate would be a better word I think haha. but I am a different person now. I have seen that I want to be myself, I want to be an individual, loving Jesus, serving him, not because you think that's the best for us, or because of religion, but because I desire to serve the king. to know that's what my heart longs for, not just your heart and I tag along because I want to be the good religious wife or something. anyway, yeah. I love you, and honestly I'm not too worried about meeting you RIGHT NOW anymore because God has the best timing ever. he freaking created time. I used to be so anxious about meeting you, you know? but the timing just isn't now. it just isn't now. like now, now is the time for me to grow in God, and like, He'll bring you, like along the journey when I'm growing in Jesus. so yeah. for now, peace out. I hope to write to you more often. this is really fun haha. I love you. I love you so much already. I love you so much for everything you are. I love you,and I love your imperfectness already. I love how we will fail at times, but then pick it back up. you know. I love how you've accepted me already and I've accepted you too. I love you. I love you and I'll wait for you.

8/21/14

I was praying to God today, and asked Him why I couldn't here your voice. Instead, I heard, "Matthew 17:17."

Which is: "You unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me."

It really stunned me because the words are so direct. Even though I pray to this God, even though I've known him for so long, looking honestly at Him, I know He is real, and yet I have lost faith that such love comes from Him. It's weird, but because of the bad experiences I've had at church/my unbelievably large pile of doubt, I've been stubbornly doubtful toward giving God my heart. I know He's real, but I need Him. Like I need Him, for real. To know him in my heart, in my soul, in my skin. I don't want to simply go through a spiritual high, or to feel Him in the air, I just NEED Him. It's like this hunger, this hunger that cannot be answered...I don't know it's so weird. but it's like I don't want Jesus to just fill one of my facades...I truly want Him to change my life once and for all. I want Him to come in my life and change who I am. I want to give up this shell of a person to Him. I want Him to fill my life, and not just give me joy, but the everlasting Joy of the Lord, that he will be tangible to me, and not that my faith just relies on his tangibility, but that beyond knowing, like, that my relationship will be there, THERE, with Him. I want that, and I need it. I need it because though I may pray and worship Him, I need to reach that breaking point -- where I will break and die in his presence.

We are not going to win the battle for the heart of our nation by shouting angrily for justice, but by kneeling down and washing the feet of the ones who despise us.

Stacie Kuhns

6/30/14

my favorite color: dreamy orange

my favorite ice cream: mint chocolate crumble

my favorite song: brave by sara bareilles (no idea how to spell it..)

my favorite tv show: king of high school

my favorite basketball player: duncan

my celebrity crush (personality): none

my celebrity crush (looks): none

my favorite drink: taro milk tea

my favorite place: seattle

my favorite sport: volleyball

my favorite month: december

my favorite food: cha gio

my favorite eye color: light brown hazel ahhhhhh

my favorite name: emil

my favorite book: once and future king

my favorite thing to do: feel

is life a walk in the park?

some say life is easy, some say it is hard. I am guessing most people believe it contains some level of difficulty.

regardless of life's challenges, regardless of whether life truly is a walk in the park, here are some lessons I learned today while literally walking in the park.

- the most valuable gift in the world is life. This God-given life. I was looking at the lake, when four small ducks swam by, with the clouds perfectly crowning the setting sun. Only one person was 20 feet behind me, and all I could think was, "man, I'm the only one who gets to see this. I'm the only one who will ever get to see this, with the sun at this exact angle, the birds swimming in this exact direction, all from this exact spot I'm standing in." I realized that I'm the only one who will ever get to see it from this perspective as well, this perspective that has been shaped over the course of my life from the things I have experiences and the people I have met. Perspective flows into the greater category of life. My life is special, and because I am so blessed, so blessed to simple live, I want to live well, to use it well. To spend it well.

-it's okay to be different, and yes, people will probably pay closer attention to you when they initially realize what makes you different. what you think may make you look ugly to others, can be beautiful. it's all about perspective. I realized this while looking at the geese and seeing a geese with a black speckled-white face. it was so beautiful, and it was just walking in line, along with the other geese. i'm not sure if the other geese care, but people walking along, like me, did notice.

- people are like trees. we come in all shapes and sizes and personalities. did you ever notice how some trees are round and bust, giving full shade to those who dwell beneath them? other trees are grumpy, like those japanese tea garden trees, are some are wispy, flowing with the wind free-spirits. ya know I hate to stereotype trees, but I mean...

- nature has natural tendencies to dwell with others. when I see the birds following each other, getting ready to sleep next to each other, I can't help but see that God has created us to love, live, and dine with one another. it's beautiful, and a good reminder that we were not created to be alone.

#park #walk in the park #life #like woah #God's creation #God is Good #trees #birds

what to look for in a husband (version 7)

1.) lover of Jesus Christ

2.) cute

3.) but his love for Jesus will make him cute so ehh all you really need is one :)

Dear Kevin,

Hello again.

So I just read this letter I wrote you a couple months ago about letting go.

Yeah, so about that.

Many things have changed. And I guess, looking back, I don't really know. Maybe I didn't let go. Maybe I really didn't.

Before I leave high school, or after, just during the time period before I head off to college, I'd really like to tell you that I had a crush on you. But the issue is -- I'm not sure if I had a crush on you, or if I have a crush on you.

But I think if you love someone -- you really love them, You're not in denial, you're not confused, etc. Unless I am in so much denial I am in denial that I am in denial.

Well, honestly I was very surprised you asked me to prom. I was not expecting that, and now I have to say I kind of regret saying no to you. Actually, I regret it a lot.

I just wanted to let you know, I regret it a lot.

Maybe after prom I won't.

Kelsey

Dear Abba,

Sometimes I look back - even just a little bit - and I wonder if I made the right choices. You give us this gift of free will, but how do we know if we're going along with your will? I find it kind of scary sometimes.

What if I make the wrong choice? What if I make a choice that screws me up for the rest of my life?

But then you write in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So Abba, you know these plans you have for me.

I don't quite know them.

I pray that you bring then into my life, that you take my life from me and use it for your name, for your word, for your glory.

For I've realized that this life is absolutely nothing, absolutely pointless without you.

I pray you take this life.

I pray you use it for your will.

I pray to hear your voice loud and clear, like rushing water, and to know your plans for me, and that I will walk with you in, through these plans, boldly, trusting you in every step.

And I thank you for today. I thank you for these thoughts. For this realization.

I thank you for the changes you are already making.

With love,

your daughter,

Kelsey.

#letter to God #take this life #Jesus is the answer

Hey God,

It's your daughter. Your uberly confused daughter. God, I'm sad/mad/disappointed and I just want to sleep for a thousand years. I don't know why I didn't get into Stanford. i don't know why Jenny got into Stanford. And I don't understand why she didn't trust me enough to tell me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, so I just don't want to say anything. But the silence is so wretching and awkward. And i don't want our friendship to crumble because of this. Seriously?

I don't know what I should do, so I pray that you guide my path. Because I am so utterly lost without you.

Sincerely,

Kelsey

Starting reading federalist papers again today and fell right back into love.

#james madison #federalist papers #founding fathers

Dear Rain,

Your poundings sooth my heart. Your gentle dripping pulls on the strings of my hearts, slowly mending the holes that anger has burst through. Your voice is a melody for a lonely night. You bring life to earth like how my mother's cooking brings joy to my stomach. You are my company, my friend, my time trended. You are beautiful, like stars in the night, and powerful, more powerful than any earthly comparison.

Thank you for your goodness. Thank you for your music, your cold rushings, you joy, oh my goodness -- the joy you bring. Thank you for spring showers, for winter blues, for autumn rushes, and for summer -- well, I understand. Sometimes we all need a break.

Thank you for being you. I love you.

Sincerely,

Kelsey

Dear Legacy,

Hi. I really really really really really don't like you. Let's be honest. You undermine the entire idea of merit. To think that something uncontrollable should play a role -- and a pretty hefty role indeed -- is not fair. It's really hard to define what is fair and what is not. But to me, it's evident that there is no justification for your role in the college application process. Private schools are companies, and they need money to keep their systems....but even so, I don't understand you. I feel like you're a necessary evil...but I don't want to accept it. Not really sure what I'm saying. Just that, I really hope people come to see that perhaps...you can use some changes. That's all. I hope I don't find myself in a situation where I'm asking you for help.

Sincerely,

Kelsey

#legacy #college legacy

Dear God,

Hello. It's been a long time since I've written a letter to you. I miss you, and I feel guilty. But I hate this feeling of guilt. And it's the same guilt I feel after not talking to Chizo for a long time. But the thing is -- you don't mind. You're just glad to have me back in your arms, the arms which truly never stopped reaching out to me. And God I love you. I love you. I love you. And I'm so tired, I'm closing my eyes as I write this, but I love you.

This week, I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I've made a lot of wrong choices. But I don't want to live with regrets. The problem is that, I do. I live in regret every time I go to church and see Youth Alive at school. I always wonder what I did wrong at church. I feel so awkward at church, like I don't "belong," and yet, I feel like I've done something wrong. Same goes for Youth Alive. Though i wasn't comfortable there, I still feel like I did something wrong, that I made the wrong choice, by not getting involved in either church or Youth Alive. I don't feel joyous in what I do, in who I am now. I am so glad I'm in WTP, and that I'm in journalism, but year, after year, after year, I come back to the same place where I'm sad, that I never found myself in Youth Alive or church.

And I'm just so tired of who I am, God. I'm just so tired of everything that I am. I suck. I suck so much. I suck because I just do. I'm so tired of sucking, of feeling like a piece of poo, of just like, not being happy. I'm tired of not being happy, consistent, or just knowing who I am. I'm tired of everything, really. I just want to sleep for a million years and wake up, and perhaps things will be better. I just want to know who I am and who you are. I just want to be passionate about you. Because right now, I can't find it. I'm sorry. I'm not a consistent friend. And God, I just want to know your love. And I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. And I want to stop staying here, on this ground where I keep wondering if you love me and who you are. I want to be confident in you, and to find joy in you. I want to find myself in you. I want to know you. I want to hear you. love you. walk with you. I want to not be afraid to try again, to try again, to try. again.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

it is well, with my soul