The life of following jesus.
Through the summer and until now, I've honestly been struggling with my faith with God. Not that I doubt who He is , but just not responding well to the things that have come up, the changes that have happened nor the exposure of the selfishness and self-centeredness of my heart. I don't like seeing that side of me, and coming to a place to get to my knees in repentance and humility has been a long journey.
I've had to wrestle again and again with what I thought was right, or what I felt should be. I've been wrestling with facing my own insecurities and flaws. With realizing that god doesn't need my perfection nor hitting the expectations I want to hit, but He wants all of me. It's been a journey of recognizing deeper again that his ocean of grace is far wider and deeper than I had imagined, and his love wants to run deeper still into my soul and heart.
I'm honestly sad with the transitions that have happened , not just with people leaving, but with many other things too. I've been self focused on my own transitions too - moving to HKUST was a harder internal struggle than I had thought.
But it is good for me, because it forces me to a place of greater dependence and surrender to the sovereignty and reign of Jesus.
In the midst of what feels like internal storms that come again and again, I feel depleted. I haven't seen friends for a long time. My family has been placed on a back burner. I've been unable to fully focus at work.
To be honest, I still struggle. Following Christ in a world that tugs away at that is hard. The more I desire to follow Christ, the more I realize the refining fire is painful, and the pull away from what I thought should be my life is great. To continue walking on the path to trust Christ and follow his will for me, I wrestle with jealousy, insecurities, fears and my own incompetencies.
But through it I'm learning to yearn for and cling to true joy, rather than temporary happiness. Every part of my hedonistic flesh desires the fleeting euphoria of happiness, but Christ reminds me that joy can only be found in Him. Because He alone is faithful and steadfast in my life.
I'm typing this on a night of personal rest and reflection - a much needed and much delayed one - I don't think I've properly journaled since the closeout of the church plant, and the beginning of new and newer seasons of ministry in HMCC-HK.
I wil never forget the encouragement and fire He set in my heart, the night after our first LG at polyu... it amazed me to see that people would come out to experience biblical community, trusting total strangers who didn't have a single affiliation to PolyU except that we were there almost every day to prayer walk. It brought me true joy that night realizing that God is an orchestrator and hearer of prayers.
I will not forget the transformation He's allowed me to witness in the scores of people she has brought through our church so far. Some close, some far, and none because of any ability I had. Sure, during the process of walking with others, there were too many times that I wanted merit and glory for myself, a "pat on the back" to say: Good job, Emily. You and your sacrifice was the reason."
But looking back, I didn't know what I was really doing a lot of times, and only learning little by little what being equipped for ministry meant. Put that aside, God showed me he really didn't need me at all.
When I look at the people god has brought to step unto His ocean of Grace, I realize what a tiny speck I was. It wasn't about me in the first place. Can what little knowledge I have, prayers I have, and "faith" I had for these people give them the faith or ability to really take a step to walk on His ocean of grace?
Little by little, I saw my heart cling to the temporary pleasure of being loved , being respected, being "important to others" through the ministry and the fruit that god allowed it to bear. Basking in the glory of results, after all, was evidence that my sacrifice was "worth it" and to others, a resounding "Hah! I told you so."
But I see now, that to cling to such temporary happiness is meaningless. It's being satisfied with seeing the little clams on the sea shore, when Jesus is pointing me to a whole deeper ocean. It's not living with a heart of faith, but a heart that tries to conjure faith. Being satisfied with the clams is why we will sink, before ever walking to the ultimate goal - Jesus.
Tonight I have to surrender what I deemed rightfully mine - what petty pride, security of future and glory I rested on to feed my lack of character.
The goal is jesus. True Joy can only be found in jesus - the salvation and king who has called me deeper into stepping onto His ocean of grace...
I had nothing to begin with, what little I have is yours to begin with, what I will ever acquire is yours eternally.
Create in me a clean heart
Renew a right spirit within me.
I surrender and receive all that you are.
