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[oklahomamindfulshit]

The great spirit said that the lesson has knocked twice.

If it knocks a third time, I won't survive it.

I hate the fact that I think you are my second lesson.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

[oklahomamindfulshit]

I wish my grandma had been my mom.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

If you create an entire social network that is centered around shared trauma and attempt to leave you will quickly realize that outstaying when your time is up has been holding you back from moving on and experiencing true healing.

Camraderie is not always the answer.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

Be watchful of the opinions you come into agreement with.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

Today I didn't feel as inspired and I became scared.

I can't slip back into these patterns.

Tomorrow morning sunrise.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

I went to the healing rock.

Only men removed from the Spirit would relocate a healing rock to be inaccessible to those that need healing the most.

As I made my way down the trail I felt nervous about my ability to make it. I stopped and chatted with the trees along the way. As I began to worry about the length I spotted the Grandfather.

I left a trinket of significance and leaned against him to talk. I talked about Gam and I felt like he, or someone present, knows her. I said it would be lovely to have a daughter like her.

After I knew my time was up and we got acquainted I headed back up the trail in excessive heat during the hottest part of the day.

I stopped along the path to take several breaks.

On one of them I whispered Georgia and the wind hitting the beads of sweat on my skin cooled me down.

I felt support and strengthened from behind me as I made my way up slowly.

I asked my body if it was okay and it told me "yes" every time.

I spotted a collared lizard and he let me take his photograph.

I eventually made it to the top.

My body could do it. I was given enough for it to be a fight, but not too much that it was impossible.

The journey was hard, but I made it home.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

When you are open things come.

-Dewayne

[oklahomamindfulshit]

[oklahomamindfulshit]

"Remember your experiences, follow the Spirit, don't care about what it looks like or how to explain it to other people."

-Dewayne

[oklahomamindfulshit]

Whiplash from entering a creative place where people are thriving and not living to just survive.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

I love the cool deep blue walls with chippy exposed brick against the warm orange and deep emerald green tiles.

Just as I started to eat my flaky crust ham, cheese, and surprise jalepeño roll 3 women began to analyze the paintings over my head. The weird stranger that complemented my green cotton dress joined their conversation to explain that the angels depicted were both Michael and Gabriel.

I resisted my hatred for being perceived and wanting to leave.

I won.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

I didn't realize that stopping to get coffee in a local coffee shop featuring local artists was a lesson on the way to the healing rock in Skiatook.

Seeing people live slowly in the moment... this is what I used to live for.

A soft life.

An intentional life.

I was tempted to go through the starbucks drive through but something stopped me and I chose to listen.

I'm flooded with past memories of how calm my nervous system used to be.

I feel like I stepped out of a battlefield and into an art studio and I'm not sure how to take it in.

The fear of being perceived.

The fear of being recognized as an imposter for being here.

Pistachio in coffee is actually really good.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

If you've been absent in the valleys and cols you won't receive an invitation to celebrate with me when I reach the summit.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

40:58 minute mosey, barefoot outdoors, unassisted

It's a new record, doubling my last record. I feel so proud of myself today. I can accomplish a lot when I prioritize my needs.

[oklahomamindfulshit]

Life is too short to keep pretending that I like certain people and places when I in fact don't.

So how do I find the people and places I like here?

[oklahomamindfulshit]

The cliff I find myself standing at on a regular basis but never jump from because once I know I take that step there's no turning back.

I approach it cautiously every day.

Days like today I reach the edge.

Part of me wants to just take the leap, my body weighed down by mystery diseases screams at me to just do it and get it off my chest.

But my mind is scared and it holds me back.

So instead I sit back, continually pondering the ledge. Resenting the ledge. Fantasizing about taking the leap and finally confronting my abusers.

But tonight like every night I'll just sit in my car and wonder "what if" while feeling a little adrenaline rush before I let myself down.