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Jem🌻 Our lives turned out to be so goood. Proverbs 4:23 :)

[okwhatev]

I’m turning 28, omg! I feel like I should be having a baby right now, but at the same time, definitely not yet. I’m not pregnant, not even married, but 28 was always my target year, so it feels like things are about to shift and scaring the hell out of me.

[okwhatev]

I wish I could turn back time and spend more of my days building a better future for myself. Back then, I had so many ideas that would have been so beneficial now. I should have spoken up about what was on my mind, about what I felt, and what I saw coming. I should have believed that Papa would listen to me and trust in me, that the messages I received weren’t just my imagination, because they’re all coming true now that he’s gone. I should have stepped out of my comfort zone, even when they tried to hold me back. Now, I feel so stuck. Everything I prepared for no longer feels meant for me, and I’m not sure anymore…

[okwhatev]

there’s so much going in my mind. i hate it. I need to get back to the gym to calm it.

[okwhatev]

Super wanna unwind on my birthday but my friends are MIA. Maybe it’s a sign to do it alone and meet some new people 😊

[okwhatev]

Is this real? We’re now at the stage that we’re able to speak our feelings to our sibs without judgements and full of understanding and even exchange of advices.

[okwhatev]

Waaaaah! Super nakaka proud na na e-experience ng younger siblings ko ang makapag study outside our safe zone. Pangarap ko yun dati but, super strict ni Papa. 🥹 I even asked permission nung pandemic to try working outside our business but syempre love your own.

Pero ayun nga. At least na try nila maging mga independent women. Sobrang happy ko for them. And sa mga pinsan ko father side, sobrang proud ako sa kanila na they are choosing their own paths and nag e-excel sila sa field nila. Sobrang happy ang heart ko to see them na na-a-achieve nila ang dreams nila on their own. I knew it back then. Yung drive and perseverance nila. Just let God lead your life, malayo mararating niyo! 💛

[okwhatev]

I just turned 27. I was never afraid of anything. But maybe when you get older, it’s normal to feel the anxiety and to feel so much things that weren’t there before. Or maybe I got traumatized when my Dad died.

Since then, I’m scared of a lot of things na. I’m scared of death, I’m scared of having no capacity to help. I’m scared that I’m no longer nonchalant and people can see how vulnerable I am. I’m scared that my faith is challenged, I’m even scared to pray. Because the last faithful prayer I had- which was thanksgiving and nothing else, He took away the only grace that I needed. And then, I was shattered mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Tonight, as I was saying my grace, I was saying thanks to everyone-one by one and then I stopped. It felt like I was saying goodbye so I stopped. I’m now even scared to say grace. So help me Lord God in Heaven.

[okwhatev]

Oh wow. I’m back here.

Well, maybe it’s because of the moon & the feng shui things.

I’m back lang naman because last night, nag howl yung aso malapit sa amin. And this dog howling means something bad is going to happen. I’m hella scared. Sumasabay pa na lately mainit ang ulo ko and annoyed ako sa mga tao. Grabe yung pag pigil ko sa galit ko. Pinipigilan ko yung galit ko na maging rage, as a fire sign person. Because every time na sumasabog ako, someone or something dies, literally. It bothers me kasi a lot is happening in my head. And daming scenarios na nag p-play especially things na I wanted to say but, I chose not to speak it kasi minsan lang ako magsalita, pero malala.

Hays. It’s so hard to be so kind to people lalo na kung ina-abuse na ang kabaitan. And when I confront them, ako na naman ang masama. Krazy peeps. Masyadong nasasanay, masyadong mga abusado, feeling agrabyado. Ugh. I freaking hate users.

[okwhatev]

Ok ang weird ko. Nakikinig ako nga music then each song kunwari dinededicate ko sa mga taong malapit sa akin. Then yung You by Jona dinededicate ko sa Papa ko. Iyaq malala ako at 11am. And hindi ko mapigilan mag cray cray. 🥺

Ang weird kasi love song siya pero parang pwede naman for a late father di ba ☹️

[okwhatev]

these mini heartbreaks drain me. it is once again making me heartless and selfish. maybe i need to start choosing myself more and not care about what people feel.

[okwhatev]

So today I had a dream. Ang cool lang kasi ang scene is with my highschool peers then mga ka-batch ni Ku. Para kaming nasa big auditorium or big event place then pagdating ko, I sat beside Sai, then everyone was staring. Siguro kasi new guy si Sai sa kanila. Then mga katabi ko is mga ka batch ni Ku. Si Ku medyo nasa harapan. Tapos kinakausap nila ako, curious sila kung sino kasama ko. Sabi ko boyfriend ko. Then sila parang 50/50 kung totoo.

Then ang weird kasi si Alf, kasama ang girlfriend niya tapos ang wild nila. Yung girlfriend super liberated na she shows everyone her body, as in super proud siya sa boobies niya. Ganung level. Sobrang lasing na nila. Yung mga katabi ko nagpupustahan na kung mahahatid niya ang girlfriend niya pauwi then most of them said malabo na. Then naglalakad sila palabas ng auditorium then medyo baha or padagat na? Haha. Logtu na sila sa water naka float na sila then tumakbo yung ibang friends nila. Hinila si Alf pabalik then yung girlf, hinila ng ibang guys pa-float.

Then biglang nandun si MG sa medyo harapan, tinatanong niya ako kung ilang years na kami ni Sai, then sabi ko 3 years. Shookt si Ate mo. Then normal event na may happenings. So maya maya hinahanap ko si Sai. Aba. Tago na naman sila ng Bigaan girl. Then lumapit ako, naging awkward sila. So niyaya ko na si Sai somewhere quiet. Kinausap ko siya ng masinsinan. Sabi niya “Eh kasi nga gift niya raw yun.” Tapos natawa siya like mocking Bigaan girl. Then ako seryoso lang, sabi ko “Ha? Gift ang pagiging malandi?” Tapos tawa lang siya. Krazy. Then sabi ko “Paano kasi, ine-entertain mo yung pagiging malandi niya so feeling niya okay lang yung ginagawa niyo. Kaya patago kayong naglalandian.” Then parang wala sa sarili si Sai.

Then biglang change scene, nandun ulit kami sa mga seatmates namin earlier. Parang nagluluto ng breakfast yung isa then chinichikka niya ako. Sabi ko sa sa kanya, si Sai masarap magluto ng egg. Haha! Tapos yung katabi kong guy sa other side kausap ko then eventually nag p-point using lips then nakita ni Sai, gagalit na siya agad sa ganun? Eh siya nga. Bahala siya. Galit din ako. Magsama sila ni bigaan girl. Hahaha.

Afterwards, parang nasa grandball/event na may formal dances, tapos galit si Sai kasi nag formal dance ako with other guys. Tapos wala na ako pake sa feelings niya sa panaginip ko. Bahala siya.

Then biglang parang may formal program. Magkasama kami naglalakad ni Sai. Tapos si bigaan girl, parang linta kay Sai. Tapos hindi na nag rereact si Sai. Siguro natauhan duon sa sinabi ko na “Paano kasi ineentertain mo..” Aba ako na gumawa ng move parang ginawa ni Angel Locsin kay Mocha Uson. Yung kaladkad with sabunot. Then shookt ang mga guests sa event. Tapos as in pinapahiya ko si ate girl. Then iyak iyak siya. Like girl you brought this to yourself. Ayun pala kaya rin 50/50 sila earlier, kasi alam nila behind my back, patago pala naglalandian si Sai & bigaan girl.

Tapos dumating si mama, mali daw yung ginawa ko. Tapos galit na galit ako as in sobrang init ng buong katawan ko sa galit like sasabog ako. Then sumagot ako. Lumaban ako. Sabi ko sa kanya na hindi niya alam ang nangyayari. Na hindi porker mabait ang tao sa kanya, sincere sila. Behind those angelic faces are two-faced people. I said to her to stop being gullible kasi pinagdaan ko na rin yun na I chose to be good pero the people are taking advantage of my kindness. Ganern!

Tapos nag alarm na phone ko. Hehe. Pero ang sarap ng gising ko kasi this time kasi hindi na ako weak heart. Minsan, pangit talaga maging mabait kasi lagi tine-take advantage ng mga tao. 🙄

[okwhatev]

So I’m backreading yung convo namin ni K way way back before pandemic pa and hella yung clickness namin sobrang effortless. Bakit kaya yung mga swak sa ugali, yun mga frine-friendzoned ko? Haha. Sobrang scared ko lang talaga siguro dati to lose them kaya mas pinipili ko sila maging friends. Tapos ngayon, miss ko na sila kabardagulan.

[okwhatev]

Gusto ko ng masarap na yakap 🥹 Yung damang dama ang pagmamahal. Yung solid feels.

[okwhatev]

What if bigla ako sumama sa mga tours as a joiner spontaneously? 26 naman na ako. Unwind unwind unwind.

[okwhatev]

Yaaay! I’m so happy for my sissy. Mag c-college siya out of our safe zone. Super excited na ako for her. Nakikita ko na how successful she will be in the near future.

Huhu. Sad for me. I wonder what would my life be right now if I was able to follow my dreams back then. Sobrang stucked ako with the plans my Papa instilled in me but then atm, parang I won’t be able to fulfill it kasi slowly, everything is fading away.

I knew it. I should have followed my instinct back then, at the exact time I saw these things coming. But I chose them and not myself. Why am I always choosing them? Oh yeah, because whenever I choose myself, something bad happens. Kaya I always tend to prioritize their feelings more than mine.

I hate tears like this. Gross. Make it stop.

[okwhatev]

Miss ko na naman si Papa. 🥺 Miss ko na yung unconditional love na sa kanya ko lang talaga nararamdaman. My forever ally in everything. Hays Lord. Sana po yung makakasama ko for the rest of my life, kasing timbang ng pagmamahal na binibigay ni papa sa akin - sapat at walang labis. Buong buo. Solid. Kasing solid nang pagmamahal niya sa’yo. 🤍 Deserve ko naman yun, Lord di ba? Reciprocation. Give & take.

[heavensghost]

the hardest thing is when ur going through something terrible there is an awful middle phase of it when u don’t know if u can get through it or if you’ll ever be okay again and the truth is always you will get through it and you will absolutely be okay again but u just cant see it at the time