nuance.

humble living is a living too

[lady-bohemia]

have this beauty framed in my bedroom. beautiful poem.

[aseaofquotes]

Ford Madox Ford, The Good Soldier

[oldswag]

I am so fucking tired of sleeping alone

[everythingyoulovetoohate]

i. kiss her forehead. kiss her eyes. kiss her nose and the birthmarks on her skin and all the places she does not love. kiss her knuckles and her fingers and remind her to breathe. she needs that. all of it. ii. if she cries, your first question must be whether she wants you or not. some days she’ll need you to crush her boundaries completely and pull her so close that her heart can beat alongside yours. and some days she’ll need you to let her drown a little bit on her own. but you have to come back for her, after. always come back. iii. do not yell at her. if you’re angry, write it down or leave for a while to cool off and then have a level-toned argument with her. do not yell. do not ever yell. iv. tell her you will be at her funeral. and when she asks how you can be so sure you’ll outlive her, tell her you’re not sure of that at all. tell her that even if you die tomorrow, you will be at her funeral. v. do not ask her why she is sad. she will tell you. if you truly love her and if she knows that, she will tell you. vi. open her curtains. she’ll cringe and groan and make a scene, but she needs the light. she doesn’t know how to make her own sunshine, so you’ve got to give her some. vii. let her tell you about things. let her ramble on about a poet she loves or why she hates a certain singer. let her bitch about her workday or describe how much she loves her sister. if you don’t let her talk to you, she will never let you know her. viii. learn how to identify whether her eyes are stormy or calm. learn her tones of voice and how to tell if she’s really okay or if she just doesn’t want you to worry. learn her tells and her soft spots. and love every last one. ix. take her places. coffee shops, antique stores, city streets and your grandma’s house. she wants to see the world, and she wants to see it with you. x. kiss her toes. kiss her shoulders and place butterfly kisses on her cheeks. touch her hair and tell her all the things there are to love about her. remind her to scream if she needs to. she needs that. all of it.

how to love a sad girl, Learn to love and live from me at everythingyoulovetoohate.tumblr.com  (via everythingyoulovetoohate)

This is messing with my feelings

[oldswag]

Humbleness is a virtue

[oldswag]

How many Thursday nights was it that I left you waiting by the phone for me to call and say hello? All the things that we said we'd do... How we'd go pick lychees in May, how you'd teach me to cook, how we'd travel together. I miss you bragging about me and showing me off. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing how happy you were to see me. What does it really mean, that it had to happen when I was the one holding your hand, when I was the voice speaking into your ears. I tried and I tried. I even prayed. It was me who failed to keep you. Another May is approaching, and I guess I won't be picking nothing. They don't understand how I'm still sad. I guess that's just how it has to be. First they get tired of it then they're annoyed. It's frustrating, I know, they can't do anything to make me feel better. I can't even do anything to make me feel better. What would have been the right way to mourn? It's been seven months but not a day went by that I didn't think about you. Wherever you are, are you thinking about me too? I love you and I'm mad at you but I suppose it was your time to go. How do I get ok?

[oldswag]

This must be how it feels to hate someone you love. You can't seem to do it without hating yourself, too. I've put both him and myself through very ugly things, and people are right, when someone brings out the bad side of you, it's time to go. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still heavily broken, but I'm done. Saving him some trouble of having to tell me to go, too. He's a wonderful, amazing person, and will remain to be. But maybe he can go on to be a wonderful and amazing person without me. I have never heard harsher things coming out of a nice person like that. I brought the bad side out of him, too, and that's why I know I'm no good for him either. 

I'm not drunk anymore. I have had enough of this and so has he, so I'm going to release myself. I'm sorry I really fucking hate you, but I know it's better for the both of us that I did. Have a good life, Tyler, and congratulations, you don't have to ever explain to me why you won't ever love me again. 

Goodbye. I love you. 

[oldswag]

"You do not immortalized the lost by writing about them. Language buries, but does not resurrect."

That is the quote he saw I tweeted. There is some beautiful irony in this. My language has resurrected us, just into a different form.

Yes I’ll lend you my book.

[oldswag]

He asked if I wanted to come over again. It was very kind of him because I know by then he was already very annoyed and tired of my emotions, he just didn't want to say it. Maybe not annoyed, but he'd rather not see me hysterically crying in his arms for something he can't help. As soon as I got dropped off, I lost control. I stood in the cold in front of his place until I could pull myself back together. I got there and we talked about things we would normally talk about, and we watched tv like we used to, and he held me. I didn't cry. I wasn't sad. We fucked and talked more about life and fucked again. He kept asking if it was a good idea, and I was really fine. "I trust that you're not letting me hurt you any further." It's okay I gave up trying. How many more times otherwise would he need to tell me "nothing is gonna change" no matter what I did? I was sad that he stopped liking me for so long. I was sad that he has always known he would never love me. I'm not angry because we don't have a future, I'm broken because we barely had a past. Nothing he does now will further hurt me. Perhaps I will never be able to see him and not hate myself for doing what I did to turn him away in the first place, but we can't change the past. Even if he took me back, he wouldn't fix the past.

[oldswag]

This is what it's like to be utterly destroyed. I took his still caring about me and Iiking to be around me as a vital sign, a reason to keep fighting for it, but truth is, if there's any sign of love for you in a person, he would never have been able to see you like this. It killed him last night too, because I know I was painful to watch, but it was out of pity. How do you respond to pity? You could prove them wrong for pitying you, but at this point I really have no grounds. I don't really blame him, I'm just tortured by this sense of helplessness, partly because I know for a fact that I'm going through this alone. He's been feeling this way for months now, he's been feeling nothing for this long, and I'm just picking up on it. Fuck it, I didn't even pick up on it; he had to tell me, and that's how I let him break me. I can't even explain how much it hurts reading now things I wrote when I was falling in love. There's literally nothing I can do. I asked if I could come back tonight, and he said, "do you think it's a good idea?" I nodded. It's a terrible idea. I have to go back and keep sleeping next to him only because I wouldn't be sane otherwise. I'm that weak. I couldn't stand being home alone; the nights are long and just how much can a person cry? I just have to keep reminding myself: going back, crying in front of him, showing how much I'm hurting, all these things aren't going to change his mind. I'm beating a dead horse. He refuses to negotiate. I can't negotiate I can't tell him to take me back; that's the rule under his roof. I know I am and I know when something is dead it means it's not going to come back. I tried to remind him of the good times we've had, when I would fall in love over and over again. "But they don't matter to you anymore..." But he wouldn't admit it. He keeps saying they do, but eventually it's just going to be buried in the depth of his head like nothing but an old piece of history that nobody talks about. History could be important, without Columbus where will we all be? Without the colonials what is the home of the free? But only good things get remembered, because your brain tries to block out memories that hurt you. This is going to be forgotten and I am crying every minute over it. Take me back. Just please...

[oldswag]

Help

"I went to bed night after night telling myself it's ok to be second, third, or even fourth, as long as we were helping each other somehow."

Help. All the nights when you held me in my arms and I offered myself to you, when I broke the walls to let you get to me, that was nothing but you helping me, or me helping you. You kissed me, and that was help. I gave you pieces of me, one by one, and that was help. It was some sort of transaction and we were merely taking turns to help back, to give back, and nothing more. The pain is coming from everywhere, but what hits the hardest, really, is the discrepancy of how much it still was for me when it was no longer much of anything for you. Where are you then, when I need your help the most. Where were you then, when I asked, how I could make you love me. Where were you when I needed you to stop the crying, the pain, the destruction. Will you pretend to love me if that is the help I need. How far will you go? 

I will give, and  give, and give, and give, if you would just pretend. So where are you? Why won't you help me? Why couldn't you just let things appear as the way they have always appeared to be? 

I saw you walking away from me today and if you want to know what helplessness is, that was it. I couldn't smile, I couldn't text you, I couldn't say hi. I was just there, stranded in the cold. I don't want answers, I want it to be. Will you help me then? Where are you when I finally need help?

[oldswag]

The four walls were tired of my wailing. I lost track of time, how long could I possibly have been crying? But it mustn't have been that long. He hadn't been moved yet. He hadn't taken me back yet. I humiliated myself, I offered my dignity for sabotage, I begged, I wallowed. It's funny, you hold yourself to some high standard, you portray yourself a certain way in desperation for the respect of others, but things happen and you react and you know, you will never be able to respect yourself the same way again. You will always remember what you have once reduced yourself to. I used to say pain made you feel alive, but last night I was not alive. I was dead in the sense that my heart was beating, but it felt as if the only battle worth fight had been lost.

He finally gave in, out of pity, and I could finally sleep. I held him and he held me, like nothing had happened. I knew it was our final night but I fought with all my strength to not think about it, to live the moment, because it was going to end anytime. I remember when he said, "it's inevitable that we are going to die, and it just really doesn't make sense to think about it." This was going to inevitably die, along with a part of me. But I know a part of him will always be him when he still liked me, ten months ago. 

I was sitting in logics class, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Only fools fall in love. It was irrational and illogical and I was so so ever so helpless. I've tried everything, so what do I do now?

Please, please, please don't let me live without you

[oldswag]

I think the problem is I have to keep comparing him to someone else to know he's perfect. I'm so far into this I think all three of us are just about to get hurt.

[oldswag]

I already have someone who loves me. He bends over backwards to be there when I need him, and he tries to understand me. He saw through the flesh and found something he calls pretty and he holds me when I'm cold. It'd hurt him to know a part of me will always want to chase. I want what I don't have, but so do they, and they all have a little part of me that they don't need. I run around, losing a piece here and there, because it's ok to be miserable, but when it's good it's just so good. To acquire, to have. 

[oldswag]

you know that one child in the family that always fucks up? yeah, the lesser child.

[oldswag]

.

[oldswag]

At some point in history, when you held someone, kissed someone, and told them how much you liked them, it meant something, there would be a sense of commitment. Today, I am nothing but a "wonderful friend". We're in a limbo. 

I'm so frustrated that this is going nowhere, but I know there is nowhere to go. We're taking turns to leave each other until the heart is numb. It's just starting to hurt now, like a sore that hurts good, makes you feel real, and then it gets bad. I get irritated at everything and he just can't do anything right. I read into everything but there's nothing he could say that could possibly make me happy. I'm just counting the days until I will be lonely again.