I finished my bpd therapy, now we just come back to some of the skills time to time but concentrate on other diagnosis. I have got a some diagnose switches (ptsd to cptsd, edno to atypical anorexia) and outed myself by my therapist and my mom as a trans nonbinary and autistic. They even handled it well. Almost everyone already knew about it.
I have moved apartments again, now we are back in my small 29m^2 home and even though we haven’t unpack and organised everything yet it feels like real home.. not the “I am listening to the steps if they are angry” but “I want to care for this place like I would care for a loved person” type of home). I say we, because I got married. A beautiful story actually, we have met pretty randomly and our first time together (only two of us) was a video game night with Super Nintendo. And since then we somehow never stopped talking to each other. He is the most soft and gentle boy on earth and I love how his eyes are lighten up when he talks about his passions like tea or cooking. Marrying was a very long and complicated process (because I am a migrant) but in the end we had no guests, just us too, I cried a lot because I was excited and said “yes” twice.. because I could not process who is asked first..
After being sick with covid second time I never complitely recovered. I am sure that I have got Long Covid but there is only one place in Berlin who could prove it and I haven’t managed to get an appointment there yet. I am basically chronically ill now since.. 10 months at least. My husband is carrying for me very well, but I want to adjust my life in a way that I can be as independent as possible. But this semester I had to stop going to the uni, because I could not handle it and I will quit my main job, because I don’t have the energy to talk to people in a very loud and bright environment for 8 hours even when I work only 14 hours a week. I hope to find a place where I can rent a tattoo room with a nice person and concentrate myself on my art, tattoos, social media, writing on my literature things and just.. have a job which does spark something more eccept of fatigue and anxiety. It will not be easy but I am sure it’s still possible. I have support from my beloved people.. so what more do I need?
One thing which I would need is definetly to get my needs met. By myself for myself. There is a great book calls “Neurodivergend friendly workbook of DBT skills” I guess.. it’s made by an autistic person and I was filling out the different type of needs I have which are not met and it was so sad to see how many things I have been neglecting. Especially the emotional needs. The thing is, that because of my physical health I got depressed and have to deal with the consequences now.. things don’t spark joy or the joy (for me as an autistic person joy means dopamin and dopamin means the only one motivation besides comfort to do things) doesn’t last long enough. One hour I feel hope and then the next 12 hours I feel a void which I haven’t experienced even with bpd episodes.. ofcorse things like hygiene and entertainment got neglected too, also physical needs like different kinds of food and movement.. I put on weight, I am at my new highest weight now and it’s not killing me, no, but I don’t feel connected to my body except of the sexy times (and it was a lot of work to get there) even though there I also don’t see my body like “Mine” but at least I can feel it.. this + the gender dysphoria arent great together. Have you tried to find secondhand clothes not in size XS-S which would look nice AND aren’t 30€+? In niche styles like punk or golblincore? It’s hard, I spend hours looking for things.. also because buying fast fashion would only make me feel worse..
I am sure there are more things. Horribly heavy grief about the family situation, like crying when see some families with children being nice to each other’s and fathers playing with kids and being soft to the mom.. crying when watching shows with autistic characters (fyi almost every “weird and quirky” character is autistic, others are adhd, society loves the idea of us but only as entertainment, otherwise they actually don’t want us to have any rights or even be born🥲) being lonely especially in the childhood and also crying when seeing them being understood by someone who respects them the way they are. The same with trans* characters.. my mom still uses deadname and misgendern me because I am the only person she speaks about me that way (that’s because of safety reasons but it still hurts to read/hear her misgendering and deadnaming even though she knows that it’s hurtful. She has a lot on her plate, I am not as angry as I sound rn). Seeing other trans* folx spending time with their families and being respected and accepted hurts because I am jealous. I am also jealous about peoples health, social batteries, bodies, study opportunities, possibilities to travel.. I cannot even go to a big concert because we are still in the middle of the pandemic, people don’t care about those who lost their health or can loose their life’s to it and it’s super frustrating.. it’s horrible when your life and health depends on the society which thinks that community care is the same as holocaust (living in Germany means conservatives and pseudo leftists comaring every inconvenience especially when it’s about others human rights to genocide…). If people would care about each other’s we would be already over that shit but it’s 3 years now that folx like me have to socially distance while others are having the time of their lifes.. I am not jealous of those who don’t give a fuck, I am furious that life and health of someone means less to most of the people than the small mask/test inconvenience.. I want my social life back by how when people are afraid to loose smth when taking part in community care?..
A lot of things.. a lot of emotions.. I wish I would write here more often. Writing real paper diary is not a thing I manage to do right now, but I also don’t manage to get out of the apartment, take a shower or answer people when necessary, so, maybe I don’t need to have high expectations. I want to write down the needs from the workbook table in another post and write short updates about how I plan and try to meet them without making myself feel worse.
