on living.

[on--living]

Mix Grill // Grill Mix

A three-week lockdown of Israel during the holidays.  Three weeks of no work, 500m walks, excitement about the grocery store.  

I bought a ticket to the US.  I leave Friday, and will return home to Israel in 7 days. 

The seemingly never-ending hopeless abyss of “zman corona”, and now this.  I will see my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, my Roni, my Haily, my Baba, my Ded.

A short trip, to love and be loved.  To remember where I came from, to remember those who helped me to realize my dreams and then act on them.

A short trip to buy (of course).  A short trip to shift my perspective, to remind me of how much love I have on both sides of the ocean.

I feel so much gratitude for my life in Jerusalem.  My loving partner, our cats, our beautiful home, my work.  Our friends, our falafel stand, our routines.  

I take off in 5780, and when I will return it will be 5781. A new year.  A fresh start.  Time to reflect.  For the first time in my life I am seriously considering fasting during Yom Kippur.  

I am so incredibly blessed.  

[on--living]

The Return

It’s hard to believe I haven’t written one thing on this blog since the coronavirus crisis.  You would think I would have-- the emotional turmoil, waves, the highs, the lows, wow. They were some of the most intense I’ve ever experienced in my life.

And despite being the vocal, emotionally intelligent human being that I consider myself to be, I was strangely quiet.  Holding everything internally.  Putting them in jars.  Everything that came up went into a jar, almost straight away.  And yet these jars, the size of jam jars, were not large enough to hold even one experience.  And so every time they overflowed and consequentially an explosion of emotion, frustration and confusion would erupt.  Very often. Like, every two days.  Sometimes every day.  

I started going to therapy during this time.  Thank God Thank God Thank God Thank GOD.  Did I say thank God?

Dalia sat with me.  The first four or so sessions, we talked about my background, my family, my experience of Aliyah.  We did somatic meditations and IFS practices and she helped me return to consciousness of myself...

Recently, we’ve been hitting the rocks with our shovels.  The fundamental experiences, traumas etc. that have shaped me and my behavior and my current outlook.

It is hard work, even touching the surface of these rocks. They are so painful, and I have a natural reflex to jump back in fear, to close the lid, to go as far away as I possibly can.  

But slowly slowly slowwwwlyyyy we are touching these rocks.  I am sitting with the somatic experiences that come up as we do this.  Noticing, not moving too quickly, noticing. 

Understanding my FIGHT response in context of my traumas, and how they affect me today. My anger has terrified me for so long, and we are touching her.  I am understanding she is less of a ferocious tiger than of a scared kitten.  I think of Luna now, as we brought home Moka (our new 6 week old kitten), and how she feels so upset that she lashes out, striking us with her claws, biting us, sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes feeling really overreactive, and I think about how I am not so different than she. 

No, we all work in this magical rhythm with nature and the universe.  There is GOD all around us.  I’m serious.  We all just want to be loved.  Love is God.  God is Love.  As I get older I understand this concept to be true and yet shrouded in mystery.  There are forces bigger than myself, working in their mysterious ways.  And I trust them.  Fully. I am leaning into my life.  Leaning in with fear, without fear, regardless of her.  I am going to love all parts of myself, including that fear.  I will work for this for my life, and then after.  I am eternal.  I am etheral.  I am nothing.  I am human. 

<3

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I am itching to create (not sure what this is exactly)

I am itching to create something. Something that can totally and fully encompass my experience of life as it stands at this moment.

I don’t even know where to begin, how I could begin to capture the going ons of this time

I would talk about Jerusalem, its beautiful streets and buildings and people and its ugly buildings and streets and people. How I love it so much but at the same time take a breath out every time I leave.

I would talk about sex. How I am craving it immensely and since Luna has come into our lives I want babies. I WANT BABIES. I want to make love to the love of my life and love each other [explodingly orgasimicly] and so make beautiful babies with him. 

I would talk about yoga. How im feeling so sexy and strong and good in my practice. How I feel like a teacher and I am owning that role in my life. 

I would talk about Hebrew. How I’m not fluent but every day I am getting to know myself and this place better and better. HOW I BELONG HERE. I belong here. I feel like I fucking belong here. 

I feel like I fucking belong here.

I feel like I fucking BELONG HERE

I FEEL LIKE I BELONG HERE

I BELONG HERE

I BELONG HERE. 

[on--living]

On Cats

When we brought Luna into our life, everything changed. 

Her helplessness, her calm demeanor, her sneezes.  Her poops. I love all of them.  I love her so much I want to squeeze her.  I don’t think she understands the impact she’s made on our life.  I am so calm.  I am grounded.  Because of a 2 lb kitten. It’s like I could orgasm from all the love I have towards her.  I can’t explain it.  It’s not something I would ever understand until she came into my life. 

[on--living]

The lowest of the LOWS!

I think I had the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of my Aliyah this week.  And maybe it won’t be the lowest of all, but it sure was the lowest so far.

I won’t go into details about why, because I don’t think it matters so much as what I felt---> 

excruciatingly lonely and lost

about everything! When I say everything, I mean, EVERYTHING.

like think about something, i felt lonely and lost to the nth degree about it.

laundry....

ability to nourish myself...

health...

ability to be a good friend...

connecting with others....

teaching...

ability to make money and earn a living...

if i’m funny.....

my shoes...

do i want lemonade....

tv?....

how to navigate the health care system.....

will this house ever feel like a home...

letting my friends know how i’m feeling....

why am i feeling like this....

why did i come to israel....

who did i think i was......

will i ever make friends here.....

will i ever meet people in jerusalem....

will i ever feel better...

my nose is stuffy....

my body is achy.....

can i handle a dog...

can i handle a cat...

no i want a dog...

is this show stupid....does that mean i’m stupid.....

why can’t i cook anything well anymore....

my art....

my writing...

YES. ALL OF THESE THINGS +EVERYTHING ELSE. EXCRUCIATINGLY LONELY AND LOST. PAINFULLY HOPELESS. 

WITHOUT HOPE.  DEPRESSED. 

I don’t feel this way anymore (for now... hehe thanks anxiety!).  Somewhere on the bus I decided I was going out tonight.  I was going to make a new friend and go out tonight.  So i texted some people in my life who I have been teetering around friendship with, and invited them out.  Why was it so hard before? 

And I had a lovely, light, laughter-filled night with some really lovely people. 

And I’m too tired to try to understand why/how.  Maybe I never need to understand why/how, perhaps I should just focus on living my life and doing my best to stay true to myself and find happiness and nurture the love that I have created. 

This is all, goodnight. 

All my love,

Daniela

[on--living]

This is My 24

I know what it means to be a girl and to go to the mall, I know what it means to shop for trendy clothes and to wear trendy face products and be cute on instagram and

I know what it means to be a woman, to bleed once a month and to fall in love and to radiate love and I

know what it means to be curly-haired, to have good hair days and bad hair days and hear people tell you what great hair you have and know that it took a while to fall in love with her.

i know what it means to be a big sister, to give advice to max on the phone about his girl problems or existential musings at 20 years old and still protected by the university institution

I know what it means to be a daughter- well actually I don’t.  I don’t really know how to be a daughter but I’m relearning all that I thought I knew about that.

I know what it means to be a partner- to love and be loved. to give and to receive and to build something together 

I’m learning what it means to be an immigrant. to be without community. to have to show the world your colors. to learn to speak the tongue of those around you. to understand the nuances. to be so vulnerable and give only love back, even when you are knocked around.

I’m also learning now what it means to be sick in a big apartment as a new immigrant, alone because her partner is off killing it and living his dreams, questioning myself with the same existentialism I suffered from my entire life, canceling commitments to take care of herself and trying to let go of the shame that came with it.

I’m learning what it means to live with rockets flying overhead, with people who want you to die for being you, and how to remove myself from any real contemplation of that

I’m learning how to find deep-rooted happiness when it feels like my world has been turned upside down and my first chakra is trying desperately to commit

I’m learning what it means to be in love with the place you are living while being desperately, sickly missing the place you came from.  Romanticizing what was easy about it. Like went I went to Perugia and a lot of people were in Rome. 

I’m understanding that my moving here was bravery and boldness in and of itself- that my spark has not dulled for a second- but rather I am on the BIGGEST JOURNEY of my entire life, and I WILL FIND HAPPINESS AND FULFILLMENT. 

[on--living]

i love you dani and i am so proud of you

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Waking Up to Consciousness After a Long, Long, Lazy Nap.

I practice kindness to myself because the kinder I am to myself, the more gentle I am with myself, the kinder and more gentle I can be with others.  In this sense, live Gandhi’s message: “be the change that you wish to see in the world.” 

What is it that you would like to change about the world? 

Now go out and have the courage to live that in the way you can. 

[on--living]

Thoughts on the Yoga Sutras

You cannot create peace in the world if you have not achieved peace within yourself. 

[on--living]

September 19

It’s hard work, moving to a new country.  My best friend is on the phone.  She and her partner are breaking up.  He loves her truly but cannot give her what she needs.  She thinks it’s him, she thinks it’s her, she processes over our Whatsapp Audio call.  

I thank myself for my personal practice this morning that gave me the internal space to hold her while she spoke.  To make her feel heard and listened to. To give her what she needed to process. 

That personal practice was intended for me to have the internal space to construct a teaching sequence for the audition I haven’t even scheduled yet for a studio in Jerusalem. 

Why, oh why did I choose a path that relied on my personal space and energy to perform well? 

Would I have chosen that anyway, had it not been yoga? Would I not need personal space and energy to be a therapist, a social worker, someone who helped others?

Who I am is helping others.  It’s hard to be fully present and do my best work when I am navigating so much uncertainty and newness. 

I need to be kinder to myself.  I NEED TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF.  I NEED TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF!!!!!!

Slowly slowly, doing my best. doing my best. doing my best.

[on--living]

why did i retreat?

I spent a lot of my teenage years behind the screen, on this website, looking at beautiful places and women and fashion and european cities and healthy food, daydreaming and imagining myself as someone who encompassed all of these photographs.  I would carry these photographs into my being at every moment.  They were a source of comfort for me in a world I didn’t feel like I belonged in.  I knew that the lives lived by those who had taken these photographs were real, just waiting for me to join them wherever they were.

I would see a beautiful woman with crazy curly hair in a red dress lounging on some Italian sea port and imagine her as me.  How much easier my life would be, how much more sense it would make, if I was this woman in this dress. If only I had the dress. Then my life would be mine. 

It’s funny to reflect on this place I used to retreat to.  It was such a source of comfort, but it prevented me from participating fully in the world, from being fully immersed and active in my environment.  To call it escapism is an understatement.  

But being in this space allowed me to dream.  To imagine, to create and conjure images of what I wanted my future to be like, to look like. 

And now as I look back at those images (thanks, we-are-young-we-are-golden.tumblr.com), I can see the things my young heart desired:

*a life surrounded by strong, beautiful, confident, uplifting women. a tribe

*travel, time devoted to exploring, to relaxing on a beach, to seeing the world

*a balcony to gossip with friends, smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee on

*a comfortable, loving home

*messy, curly hair

*plants and nature to be a part of my being

*art, museums, and trying my hand at painting/drawing/creating

*reading all the time

*authentic community organizing (like making my neighborhood a better place)

*contemplation, contemplation, contemplation in a healthy way. contemplation is not brooding

*writing

NEW THINGS:

*babies, lots of them.

*learn about plants and how we can harness them for healing

*own my own business (yoga studio/ coffee shop)

[on--living]

Processing the Big Goodbye

[on--living]

A love letter to apt. 302

Dear apt. 302,

As you already may know, I am vacating your premises in just a couple short days.  Amidst the chaos of packing: boxes, kitchenware wrapped in stolen newspaper, displaced socks (among other things), I wanted to take a moment to reflect on our time together.

When we first met a year and a half ago, I didn’t live in you.  Bar was the only inhabitant among your sparse rooms and crackling drywalls.  You seemed a bit lonely. I came to you on occasion, to cook in your kitchen, to snuggle on your couch, to share moments in your bed.  Love began to blossom within you.  

Then, I didn’t see you for a while.  There was little activity stirring within you. You took a shaded, summery nap. I came here from time to time to decorate you, to check on you, to let a guest in.  When I did visit you, my daydreams and longings reverberated the small but mighty loving echoes of the spring.

End of summer came, and so was your inhabitant.  You had a renewed, more confident energy to you. You were ready for a commitment within your walls.  I moved in, and you became me and I became you.  The first three months were chaos.  Immense clashing and confusion, along with passionate love.  It was entirely stressful but just as amazing, loving.  

Then I lived within you alone for a month.  It was sad, but there was something comforting about coming back to you every night in a place I shared with someone I loved so deeply.  Your little kitchen fed me salads and grilled vegetables, your TV showed me new movies and documentaries.  On your couch I dreamed of my lover. 

And then my lover came back.  On a snowy, heavy day, we entered you together once again and began a new period within you.  More understanding, a little bit less conflict.  Busier.  Less time spending and making love together within you.  Less energy.  But you still remained our rock.  You carried us through everything. 

And now it is time to say goodbye to you.  It feels heartbreaking taking the pictures off your walls and deconstructing your living room.  I feel that I am saying goodbye to a good friend, a companion, who has held so much for me and my lover.  You were our first home.  We learned so much about each other within you.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you.  I will always look back on this time in our lives that we spent with you with nostalgic joy.  We were just beginning. 

All my love,

Dani 

[on--living]

A Great Wagon- Rumi

When I see your face, the stones start spinning!

You appear; all studying wanders. I lose my place.

Water turns pearly. Fire dies down and doesn’t destroy.

In your presence I don’t want what I thought I wanted, those three little hanging lamps.

Inside your face the ancient manuscripts Seem like rusty mirrors.

You breathe; new shapes appear, and the music of a desire as widespread as Spring begins to move like a great wagon. Drive slowly. Some of us walking alongside are lame!

~

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn’t make any sense.

~

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.

I would love to kiss you. The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting, What a bargain, let’s buy it.

~

Daylight, full of small dancing particles and the one great turning, our souls are dancing with you, without feet, they dance. Can you see them when I whisper in your ear?

~

They try to say what you are, spiritual or sexual? They wonder about Solomon and all his wives.

In the body of the world, they say, there is a soul and you are that.

But we have ways within each other that will never be said by anyone.

~

Come to the orchard in Spring. There is light and wine, and sweethearts in the pomegranate flowers.

If you do not come, these do not matter. If you do come, these do not matter.