Welcome to my fucked up mind

This blog is about me.. my beginning my mistakes my pleasures and my future I'll be telling my life story from the start. I'll be re-blogging somethings that fit in. Now about the present me.. I'm 21 and I'm from Michigan.

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Deployment

When my dad was deployed in 2011/2012 I moved back in to his house to help his wife Erin out and to be there for her. She turned into a party animal she was drunk all the time. She stopped working an started just living off my dads money.. It really was horrible to witness soon she started leaving for days on end. That soon turned into weeks. I lost my job by then because of downsizing.

I depended on her at the time. Soon she stopped showing up every week and the times between visits got longer an longer an she gave me less money each time. People In basic thought the amount of food they got was torturer. But they have never tried surviving on twenty dollars in a month. My car was broken at the time an she had my dads. After awhile the cable was shut off.. Then the Internet followed by the hot water heater breaking then the electricity.

Talk about struggles try going two months mid winter heating your own bath water by boiling it on a stove an washing yourself out of a pot. Luckily my grandparents came down from Pennsylvania. They sorted out the mess.. By then I haven't ate for several days every time I thought about complaining about the food in basic I just thought of the day I was scooping jelly out of a jar because there was no food left in the house.   

Rule number one don't ever depend on people. They will be your downfall.

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What's wrong with me?

I feel lost.. I just want to become nothing. Fade away from peoples memories.. I don't know why I feel like this anymore but I know I want the pain to stop. Where is my happiness I lost it somewhere on my path.

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Fun fact

I didn't learn how to ride a bike or swim till I was eleven years old. But I could skate backwards by age five. 

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After

When I was around thirteen I started getting into relationships it was bad. After what happened I had such a warped view of love in my head. No kid should be like that and it increasingly got worse threw out my teenage years. I would rush into relationships with people I barley knew. I would rush into sex thinking it would make us closer and really that's all I wanted I wanted to feel close to someone. I wanted real love.

I had such a big hole in my heart from what happened. A hole I was trying to fill with fake love. I never treated a girl badly but after so many failed relationships rumors spread like wildfire about me. How I was a player, a man whore. liar, cheater. I heard people say I should be in jail or just kill myself cause I was such a bad person. Yet I never broke up with a girl through out high school I was either cheated on or they left me..

Things just didn't add up why would people say such things. Why would someone leave you an then spread rumors about you the things people did to me. It was horrible I struggled with depression an self harm at the time. I don't know how many times I just left an started walking in a direction till my mom or dad would drive by an pick me up screaming at me. I was lost all I wanted was someone to truly love me and make me feel whole. I was probably one of the nicest people you could meet I never judged I was always there for people.

I went out of my way to even help the same people that help spread those rumors about me. I don't know why but I just felt like it was right. For some reason whenever people gave it a chance to get to know me they where shocked at how nice an caring I was. From all the rumors they heard they thought i would be the devil himself or something. I went though high school with only one semi real relationship and it ended with her cheating on me. Still to this day I will not live down the number of people I'v had sexual relationships with thinking it was the only way to get someone to love me. I made many mistakes when I was growing up an i'm still growing to be honest.

But I'll never regret my path it made me stronger an help forge who I am today. I just wish for one thing an that's to be able to meet someone who can look through my past an see the real me.

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A life changing day

   When I was eleven years old my biggest hobby an passion was rollerskating either it be aggressive skating at skate parks or jam skating at roller rinks or speed skating playing hockey. It was my life at the time an I had plenty of friends that enjoyed it to I was quite good at it an lucky for me I started to become popular.

   My dad at the time still lived in that trailer park he settled in when we first moved to Michigan. But it was no longer a nice place the houses where falling apart the land was trashed an the roads where bad. The biggest change were the people all the old retired people who used it as a cheap means of retirement had long been gone. Wannabe gangsters an drug dealers crowded to this park like a plague.

   I even had the pleasure of being robbed of my lunch money the year before this day by one of the oh so classy high schoolers in the neighborhood. Well anyways back on topic the local skating rink luckily was only a half mile down the road. An most of it had a side walk to walk or skate on I don't know how I talked my dad into starting to let me walk on my own.

  I't was way to far for me at the age lets be honest but I loved to skate an my dad was tired of dropping me off to skate every Friday, Saturday an Sunday so it was just logical at the time if I wanted to keep having friends an keep skating. He gave me the whole don't talk to strangers an never accept rides from people you don't know.

  But I was rebellious I felt so empowered being the only kid my age aloud to have this much freedom I didn't listen.. This day it was really windy an cold trying to keep my cool status I almost never wore a jacket  to the rink. I mean I never wanted to waste quarters on a locker when i could use them for video games. Just seemed like a waste. Well this grey minivan was stopped at a cross road an I went to walk behind it an some nice looking lady probably in her late twenty's rolled down her window an asked me why I didn't have a coat. I told her i didn't need one because I wasn't going to far. She asked me where my parents where.

That freaked me out a little an I panicked thinking I was getting in trouble  I made up some lie as most little kids would do cornered into thinking there might be consequences I mean what kid likes to be grounded right? Well she told me shes seen me walking on the side of the road several times before an I needed to start wearing a coat or ill catch a cold. I agreed an promised her I would. She seemed really nice at the time an offered me a ride.

  I thought about it for a moment and figured she was trust worthy I mean she seemed nice an looked like a normal person she was scary at all. But that changed really quickly as the doors locked an we drove past the skating rink. I remember how fast my heart was beating how scared I felt I was just crying an crying. I remember the back of my head hurting an then everything went black for awhile. I came to in the back seat half undressed I didn't like what she was doing to me. But she promised it would be fun an it would make me cooler she told me this is what adults do when they are in love.

  That lady stole my innocents from me that day. She told me if I told anyone next time she would just run me over while i walked to the rink. I was oddly not scared  at this point. I don't think I felt anything at this point. I nodded an she kissed me on my forehead an said good boy now run along an play..my little man..

I continued to walk to the skating rink but always watching my back I don't think it hit me till I was thirteen or fourteen that I was molested that day. Till this day I have yet to see that women again. An it wasn't till I was seventeen that I told my mom what happened she is still the only person in my family to know.

I think that's enough writing for now.   

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It’s funny how I ended that last post.. After growing up through All that bathrooms became my safe spot whenever I’m stressed I lock myself in here an run the shower. I don’t know if it’s the steam that comforts me in this cold apartment or the sound of the running water calming the storm @ in my head. I guess today I’m going to post from my safe spot. Time to get writing.

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Bill

I can't say I lived ten years in that house when I didn't do much living at all Bill was my alcoholic step dad that worked long days of construction and when he got home he would just drink. Sit there an drink while my mom took care of us while working an going back to college. It amazes me she was able to manage maybe moms are super heroes. who knows. 

  But yet we still put up with her choice to stay with that guy I'd say man but men don't lay there hands on women an children. Over the next ten years of living there I watched my mom go threw three or four ER trips for "accidents". This guy at the time to me was the devil himself. But now at my age all I see is a little boy a bully. It took him knocking two of my teeth out for my mom to realize she needed to leave him.

   When the drinking got real bad she would lock us in the bathroom with her an she would run the shower an just sit on the bathroom floor with us and we would just sit there. The day we moved out I was so happy.

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Getting settled

   After awhile of living in Michigan my dad settled into a trailer park at the time it was nice but all good things fade. My mom met a man by the name of Bill an we moved into his house off a private street down a old dirt road it was a beautiful house huge! An with a pool and land everything a kid could want. It looked perfect besides the hell that it was.

   My mom has always had good intentions for me and my brother. But her Idea of parenting was throwing money at us an hope it made us happy. I can't blame her though she had a bad childhood an was brought up poor . All she wanted was to give us the things she couldn't have as a kid. 

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The beginning

   Well no place else to start then birth right?  I was born in Allentown PA to a small town waitress and a airborne solider. I was one hell of a brat unlike my brother the perfect baby I cried I got sick I did everything parents hated. I don't know If i was the one to over strain my parents marriage or not but even if i was it's not like they would never tell me. My parents divorced about a year an half after I was born. 

   My mother moved to Michigan to be closer to her family as she now had two kids at a young age but my dad being the man he is followed and always lived close by to make the most of those weekend visits. I'll always love him for that. By the time I was four I lived in more then ten different places in two different states moving was just a way of life. 

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The now

Before I start my blog into a wonderful yet depressing spiral of what I call my life. I wanted to share a few things of where I am now in life. I'm 21 years old sharing a two bedroom apartment with my slightly older brother both of us severing in the national guard. I'm unemployed and I have no vehicle. My life is a mess and yet so clear. I own a sugar glider that has shown me more love then most people.

    My time is mostly spent cooking or sitting on my bathroom floor with the shower running pondering where my life is taking me. My depression runs ram-pet threw my head day in and day out I feel alone. I wonder why I feel the emotions that I do or sometimes why I feel at all. 

   I'm not perfect and I'm nowhere near normal but one thing I know is I'm good. Unfortunately I'm still waiting for a women to view me in the same light.  

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Not surprised

My old URL was still free I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Seeing as I have not been on here in years. I wonder where my tumblr adventure will lead this time.