Nowadays, insomnia is the real shit. Our ancestors used to flop into the sack after a long day of moving bags of mud around, but now we have all kinds of new anxieties to worry about. It's no surprise that our minds can't settle when we've spent the entire day being screamed at by modern everyday problems like "emails," "taxes," and "the abstract concept of the hypercube."
To bridge this gap, scientists have developed Sleepytime Tea. You've probably seen it before: on the shelves of the grocery store you'll notice a box of tea with a bear having a gentle little nap. He sits in an armchair. He enters the realm of torpor, where no work responsibility can reach him.
A great promise, but one that cannot be fulfilled. No simple human tea can knock out a full-sized brown bear. In the interest of truth in advertising, we present to you: Extreme Sleepy-Time Tea. Rest assured: your ass will be visiting Little Nemo before you get to the bottom of the mug.
How do we do it? Pharmaceutical-industry cowards continue to argue (unsuccessfully) that we have laced them with a powerful medical-grade soporific that is just a little bit on this side of insanely addictive. We say: that's a lot of big fucking words, nerd. Maybe you should be buying our tea to quiet those huge brains of yours down. Here's one on the house.
So when you're at the store next time, think: do I really want to be conscious for whatever is going on around here? Then reach for the box that has a bear absolutely blasted out of his fucking gourd, drooling on himself in a manner akin to lobotomy. Extreme Sleepy-Time Tea. It's a fast-forward button for life.
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