I would much rather see the best in you. Remember you for all the great and wonderful things you did. But instead, you have forced me to witness the selfish, heartless beast that you really are. Why did you have to go and shatter my fantasy world? Why did you have to teach me to hate you? Why did you have to disappoint me time and time again?
The truth slowly sinks in. It’s no longer so much about seeking answers to what happened and why but about accepting and understanding that it is what it is. Things are not changing.
Acceptance means waking up each morning realizing and enduring again the pain of losing your other half. Acceptance means staring blankly out the office window reliving old memories, knowing these memories are the only things you have. Acceptance means letting go all shreds of hope while holding back tears from not wanting to let go at all. Acceptance is not easy. Acceptance is not quick. But acceptance is what eventually frees you.
Understand that acceptance is part of the process and acceptance will pass. Understand that the pain and tears will eventually fade and disappear. Understand that waiting at the other end is a better you.
I wanna be the one to hold your hand in case you PK. It’s OK if we fall together because we will pull each other up, dust each other off and continue walking, hand in hand.
Moving on to Mark Manson's second advice from 10 Life Lessons to Excel in your 30s, let's see how I fair here.
2. Start taking care of your health now, not later.
This, I know, is something I'm completely failing at. Health is not something I have given much thought to in the past. Having grown up skinny, I always ate what I wanted and whenever I wanted. I wasn't into sports and the most exercise I got was probably a bike ride down to the park, if even. No one ever questioned my health and I never cared myself. Now I know what you might be thinking, there's an obvious fault to my logic and that's associating being skinny to good health. Being young, I didn't know better. Health, back then, was to avoid being called fat.
The first time I took concious notice of my health must have been when I was 27. At age 27 I came down with a case of shingles. To those who are not aware, shingles is chicken pox with vengeance. The chicken pox virus you picked up during childhood stays dormant in your body until one day when your immune system is out of whack, it creeps back and causes ravage to your nerves. Ouch. What shocked me and put this whole ordeal into perspective was the fact that you usually only hear about shingles affecting seniors. Frail old people who have compromised immune systems get shingles NOT young, healthy twenty-somethings. Oops, looks like that's where I was wrong. At the time I contributed this outbreak to the pressure and stress I had been enduring at work. A study I was working on was pushing for results quick. Days were long and sleep was minimal. It was a period comparable to the Chinese saying "There is only time for death but none for sickness." Shingles, inevitably, put me out of commission for a couple days as it's contagious to those who never had chicken pox before. During this time, I thought about what had happened and decided I needed to not work so hard and take work less seriously. As you can see, I blamed work. I never once thought about changing my eating, exercising, or sleeping habits so as to repair my immune system. This attitude put me in a negative mindset towards work which I have yet to totally recover from. Yes, although this experience did put the spotlight on my health, it did not prompt me to do anything about it in a positive way.
At 28 I went on a diet and exercise regimen for the first time. I had to attend a family wedding in several months and wasn't prepared to hear comments on how I got rounder. Never having had to watch my weight, witholding the consumption of food and sweating it out daily was a real eye opener for me. It was so hard! I'm a sugar addict and candy is my weakness. Soft and sour gummy candies with sugar coating (cue Sour Patch Kids, Shigekix, Haribo, Jelly Tots). And honestly I've never been a fan of exercise. I admit that I feel good and more energized immediately after but this short lasting adrenaline is barely enough to bring me to begin my next workout. Ugh. The only thing that got me through this routine was my goal. I had my eye on the prize and my obsessive nature would not allow me to fail. In the end I was successful. I must have lost 8-10 lbs during this intense period. I learned I could no longer take my metabolism for granted and in order to maintain what I felt was a reasonable weight, I had to make an effort and put in hard work! Notice I still have not mentioned anything about health and fitness. This was not at all about that, it was me trying to lose weight. I didn't care if I looked like I was dying, I just wanted to fit in that dress. Health, even two years ago, was to avoid being called fat.
Today I am again back on a strict diet and exercise routine and not surprisingly, for the same reason. However, the mindset is somewhat different this time. Yes, I still want to look good in my dress but I don't want to just look skinny. I want to look tone and fit. Yes, I don't want to be called fat but I actually want to be called fit. If I can accomplish this, this would be my biggest health related feat EVER. To help myself along, I have immensely decreased alcohol and tabacco consumption. I was delighted to wake up sober Sunday morning and find myself with plenty of time and energy to go out to shop and stroll. And having the feeling of a lighter lung while exercising was quite elevating. By changing little things, hard work was made just a little bit easier.
This time around, diet and exercise isn't just about the number on a scale. It's about keeping an ongoing resolution for a healthier and more balanced lifestyle. I want to feel good by looking good and look good by feeling good. Being more aware of my health habits has helped to put the way I was neglecting my body into perspective. Recognizing the problem was not the hard part, it's not getting up to do something about it that often holds us back. In my 20s, I never bothered to take notice of my health. There was always something more important in life that had to be looked after. In my 30s, I hope to put my health in higher regards. Health is always being taken for granted until one day we lose it. I need to find a way to follow through with my exercise schedule and sustain a life with healthier food options. Bottom line, I should take care of my health and take care of it starting now.
Self-rating - Start taking care of your health now, not later.
2/4 stars
Accomplishment: Realizing I'm not taking proper care of my health.
Action item: Caring about my health and actually do something about it.
After reading Mark Manson's 10 Life Lessons to Excel in your 30s I really wanted to see how I measured up to these said "lessons". Having turned the big 3-0 four months ago, I think this comparison would be a good way to gauge where I am now and how much work I have cut out for me the next nine years. (Oh dear!) Anyhow, let's cut the introduction and get to the self-examination.
1. Start saving for retirement now, not later.
First thought: I think I've done pretty well! Ever since I've been working full time, I've always took out a portion of my paycheck to put into savings. I can't say that the fund is specifically for retirement but it's there nonetheless. Looking back, I think I've always been good with money. At a young age, my parents instilled the "don't live beyond your means" business with me. And naturally with my frugal personality, I never spent money frivolously or in places I didn't see deserving.
My obsession with money, well it's more of an on and off obsession, started when I landed my first job and made a stable income. Once in while you would see me at my desk with the online banking page open crunching numbers. How much money to give to the parents, how much for saving, how much to spend? Is it all arbitrary or is there some golden rule? The answer came to me from Gail Vaz-Oxlade, host of the TV show Til Debt Do Us Part. "Debt"...clever huh? Now I wouldn't say I watched this religiously but I did tune in whenever I saw it on. Basically, the show was about couples who were in serious debt and needed help overcoming this. Gail helped people realize the hole they dug themselves into, provided them options to consolidate their debt and gave them strategies to repay debt, save and spend wisely. I was always so amused by people and their reactions to the realization of just how ridiculous their financial siutation was. I suppose after a while, debt is just a number like wealth is. What's the point of worrying if you'll never escape it anyway. Ignore it, and it's not there. When the supposedly wealthies, doctors and lawyers, came on I was always disgusted. "Really? What's wrong with these people?", I would think to myself, "People in upper class should NOT be having these issues. They make more money than they can spend!" Wrong. If you don't know how to manage money, then you just don't know how, regardless of class. Anyhow, I jotted down, mentally, some of the principals Gail presented and slowly developed a system of my own. Let me share with you what I did that helped me save money. Feel free to call me crazy.
Follow the golden triangle: 33.33% housing, 33.33% spending, 33.33% saving
The percentages are tweaked a little here and there depending on the situation. But bascially I try to keep a balanced triangle. Simple!
Place savings in a separate account.
Each month I would take my chunk of money for savings and transfer it to a different account. Mind you, I didn't just shift the money from my chequings to savings account. That was too easily assessible for me. I could just walk to the ATM and withdraw from savings. Nono, not good enough. What I did was open an online bank account with ING Direct. That's right - high(er) interest, no bank cards, no ATMs (ok maybe one or two). It would have been too much hassle for me to withdraw anything from this account and knowing me, I am just too lazy to make this kind of effort. And so, i just chucked the money there and watched it grow, slowly.
Invest in government retirement savings plan
Back home, this was the RRSP, short for Registered Retirement Savings Plan, a Canadian thing. Since I was saving regularly I had enough money each year to buy my annual quota. The amount invested in RRSP meant the same amount was deducted from my income for the year. And each year, as it turned out, I not only didn't have to pay taxes, I got a return! And if my memory serves me right, it was a sizable amount - maybe around 70%? (don't quote me on that). Essentially, I got paid to save money.
Mark down your spendings, all of it.
There was a period of time when I first moved to HK where money was tight. In order to deter myself from overspending, I marked down ALL my spendings (cue phone app). This helped me identify where my money was going and where I could afford to spend more or less. If you are interested to know, I spent most on food. When you see the numbers in front of you, it feels more real and manageable. This, I admit, was the most money obsessive period of my life. Not obsessive about making more, but how to spend what I had. This went on for a couple months until I got tired and gave up.
Now on with the usual disclaimer. I'm not saying what worked for me works for everyone. It just worked for me.
To this day I still follow these methods, minus scribbling down all spendings. The triangle still exists, I still put money aside into a separate account and I have a yearly savings program I signed up for at my bank. My small savings is growing fine and dandy but for my 30s I want to do more. I want to make money from my money - investment! Saving from your day job just doesn't cut it anymore. And living in a city where there is no tax on income made from investments, I really should be taking advantage of the situation. But where does investment start? How do you go about doing this? I have never been educated in this area and hardly bothered to learn myself. Is there anyone out there who could lend a helping hand and shine a guiding light?
Self-rating - Start saving for retirement now, not later.
4/5 stars
Accomplishment: started saving in my 20s
Action item: learn to make money from money by making investments in my 30s
To catch a glimpse of the past through the corner of your eye.
The unexpected sight of one simple thing stings the heart. The eyes well up with tears. Memories long gone resurfaces. Pain and anxiety stabs the chest. The mind and soul cannot bear to face and take on the past.
When things get to be too much, it's time to shut them out and work on yourself.
When life gets to be too overwhelming, remind yourself to take a break. Take a time-out to meditate and rejuvenate. Go do what makes you feel good. You must first take care of yourself before you are any use to others.
Be true to yourself. Do what you want, say what you think, show how you feel. Things may not turn out the way you want but at least you were honest. Don't give yourself an excuse to regret.
When I don't care, I wouldn't bother to give you the time of day. But when I do, I can't wait to give you all day, everyday.
Someone once told me they're happy if I respond to more than four messages at a time while another told me they feel like I'll never stop talking. So how have I treated you? How much do I care?
Why do I only write when I’m down? Because these are the time when I learn and grow.
Happiness makes us complacent. Fulfillment makes us forget to push for more. When everything seems perfect, no one will stop and ask what could be done differently. Only in times of grief will we pause and reflect on what has culminated around us. Who, what, when, where, why, how? Only then will true self-growth take place.
It’s a job. You can either learn to live with it or learn to love it.
I used to envy those people who are so passionate and love they work they do. I always asked myself, how? How do people fall in love with their jobs? Love is a strong word to be using to describe work. That just made no sense to me. A job is called work because that's exactly what it is. It implies exertion of effort and labour and that's not supposed to be enjoyable. Here I'm imagining our poor Chinese ancestors being shipped off to Canada to build a railroad. Moving giant iron bars, hammering it out in the heat and being blown apart by explosives. So unless you have a self-injury disorder, I don't see how anyone would love doing that. But recently I've come to realize that effort and labour can feel good. Putting in effort to accomplish something feels good. Seeing results from your effort feels good. What I've learned is your job is not going to make you feel passion and love for it, rather you're supposed to find love and passion for your job. Some people might say "Yeah okay, so you're living in denial. You're making up something that's not really there." And so what if i am? We live one third of our lives working. Would you rather be happy or miserable during this time? I think the choice is obvious. If your job is not absolutely terrible, I think you can slowly learn to love it. Quit whining and complaining. Stop being indifferent. Make the most out of what you do everyday.
I hide my heart with the things I say from my head.
In order to shield myself from hurt, pain and disappointment, I usually share with others only what I think and not how I feel. The logic being the less I divulge, the less one has to use against me. And so, I try to live with my heart in this logic. In a dark, untrusting place where yes, I will never experience heartache but at the same time never any pleasure. But as emotions usually have it, no matter how I try to protect myself, I will still fall for those I care about. My heart still gets heavy and eyes still cry tears. I lose a smile and gain a wound. In the end, I still feel when I might not necessarily want to.
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