Only Odd Numbers

[onlyoddnumbers]

does anyone still come here?

[onlyoddnumbers]

There is no “Filling the Void”

Well, here I am again. Except for this time, it’s different. This time I don’t want to fill my time with someone else’s company. This time I don’t want to drink away the memories. I simply want to be alone. At least for a while. This time I want to heal alone and completely.

Dear You -

I can’t help but cry. I also can’t help but laugh in the middle. I am so sad to not hear from you but I am also happy to have these memories. To not be bitter. To not regret. Maybe that’s what’s different.

[onlyoddnumbers]

You are not MY One

Maybe being honest doesn’t matter in a world of people thinking “but I am THE one” or even worse “you are MY one.”

Because I can’t help but feel terrible when someone offers me their world and I think to myself “I hope you one day find someone…someone who is without a doubt, not myself.”

So, I no longer feel the need to explain myself to the ones who do not understand. These are my feelings and mine alone. If you do not love me truly, madly…deeply… then these romantically-realist ideals will never be understood.

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I hope this finds someone…. someone who feels the need to apologize for things they have already taken the time to explain. Someone who is still trying so desperately to change, someone who truly wants to be loved. To that someone, let them ruin your name. Let them share harsh words with someone who cares to listen. We all make mistakes.

She wept quietly Completely and deeply alone Forever and always, in the loneliest way

She loved them Completely and deeply Forever and always

She left them Completely and quietly with their godforsaken souls at the forefront of her mind Forever and always for the good of mankind

amh

[onlyoddnumbers]

Crush

I honestly didn’t think you would ever try to kiss me. 

The night you did I think it was out of pure jealousy. Because of this, when you finally did I quickly backed away. Quite frankly, I thought you were terrible at it. My sincerest apologies because the second time it was so incredible that I didn’t want to leave you there…drunk and wondering why every time we found ourselves alone I ran like my life depended on it.

I always had a crush on you but it was always meant to be very innocent and to never be anything more than just that, a simple crush.

I still have a crush on you and it’s just as innocent as ever.

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I hope this finds someone. I hope this finds someone waiting.

maybe she liked waiting maybe waiting excited her gave her something to look forward to because waiting meant it wasn’t over waiting meant she wasn’t done waiting meant living

amh

[onlyoddnumbers]

I met myself once.

I keep doing this, breaking my own heart. Because you see, when you're a realist and a romantic this is inevitable.  

…

I met myself once. And in this person I saw everything I knew I never wished to be. Not to say that I do not care for this person but actually the complete opposite. I love this person for showing me everything I could be and everything I did not want.

I decided then and there that I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to fall in love and then again and again. I wanted to feel the warmth and how falling in love consumes you. I wanted to feel my heart breaking so that I could prove to myself that I could not be broken.

I fell in love once with a city. I always said it would be my escape but never my home. This is how I started to see people and this is when I new I had to change.

So I started to give myself entirely. I started to risk it all.

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I hope this finds someone. I hope this finds the person who’s settling for content and not risking it all for everything.

[onlyoddnumbers]

“Zip me up”

Today in the car on my way home I hit my thumb on the steering wheel. It felt raw. I started to wonder if I had burnt it earlier in the day. Then, the thought crossed my mind…I’ve been looking for a dress to wear to an upcoming wedding. The rawness of my finger was because of the amount of zippers I’d been zipping and unzipping.

I started to think, maybe there is a husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend that has a similar rawness to the side of an index finger or thumb. That maybe this common affliction we share amongst us is something to take a deeper look into. I started to think maybe one day I could afflict someone with this rawness. Maybe one day someone will rub their finger on the car ride home and think about my curves. And maybe one day they will take pride in knowing that this skin is safe because of them. That these bones are warm all because they take the time to “zip me up…”

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I hope that this finds someone…these thoughts of a lonely woman. In what has been the loneliest year of my life I have learned so much about myself.

[onlyoddnumbers]

HUTCH

Until now, I have shared this with no one. I have not spoken of our brief time together. I think my soul adored you the moment we met. My brain took some time to realize this but eventually... she did.

I remember how nervous I was when I came to stay with you. You and that stupid fucking grin. You, not at all my “type”. My brain caught up with my soul during this time...or so I realized three months later. I tell myself I came to this conclusion too late but I believe I try to convince myself of this because I don’t feel as if the feeling was ever mutual.

So here I am, with no one to blame but myself because you at least cared enough to warn me. You knew yourself well enough to know that you and I were a myth. That you and I only existed in the deepest corner of my universe. And even though I still know this, I still miss you. But this isn’t a fairytale and I hate sappy endings.

There we were in your kitchen. I’m not completely sure of everything we discussed but I remember uncorking and finishing a bottle of wine. We always shared very intimate and involved conversations.

In a time in my life where I felt like I had no home to run to, in you, I found shelter. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I was looking for someone to call home but even I know you can’t make homes out of human beings.

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I hope that this finds someone. I hope that in writing this blog someone gets to escape. I hope that this story finds someone looking for something to look forward to.

With men in my past, I have pleaded to forget

But with you, I beg to remember

The good the bad and the forever fleeting

Why is it that I remember so vividly the way your skin felt

The desire we had for one another

One glance across a table and I knew exactly where your mind had wandered

These are the memories I wish to remember

The memories I hope some version of us is experiencing in some beautiful, alternate, universe

amh