Today's throwback Thursday is gonna be different... in almost 6 years so much has happened in my life and in Feb 2015 it all came crashing down around me and I accepted the fact I needed help... I was born with a congenital heart defect, TOF & pulmonary stenosis. I had open heart surgery as a baby, and numerous procedures throughout life! I've been brought up normal, not smothered or being overly cautious, in fact as a teen I was terrible haha! But that's don't to my own stubbornness! Come end of May 2010 we found out I was expecting our first baby, I was just turned 21, out of work due to depression and ill health (I needed open heart surgery again to replace a valve) so the timing wasn't perfect if I'm honest but in a way it kind of was, it gave me a purpose. But then came the problems because of my weak heart they wanted me to have a termination. This wasn't the best news for me, I do not like the idea of terminating a life (I do not judge those that do, everyone is their own person. Just me personally couldn't do it) so I refused, I was offered one throughout but refused... come February 3rd I was induced. Was the most amazing day of my life, and scary, seeing all the doctors on edge, all the machines being wheeled in 'just in case your heart packs in' but thankfully down to skin to skin Bradley's little heart helped stabilise mine!! Cut to 2 years later i was in hospital having open heart surgery for my valve replacement, it happened so fast it's still a blur. The one memory that sticks is my then 2 year old son grabbing a door frame and screaming and crying shouting 'mummmmmmy' as his mamma and grandad took him away from my bedside... knowing I had a chance of never seeing him again this broke my heart! I was in hospital 1 week, don't remember much of it tbh. But i wasn't able to carry bradley for 6 weeks which was the hardest thing ever, when you're a stay at home Mum and having to rely on others to help with the small things like getting him dressed or bathed etc! Throughout both of these life experiences I had depression, I was on medication for it. Roll further to 2014 (we had gotten married in 2013 and knew we wanted another baby!) we found out we was expecting number 2 later to be known at Harriet! Pregnancy went smoothly and all was fine, I followed slimmingworld throughout pregnancy and only gained 7lb! But I did not carry on after she was here, I did not realise how hard it was having 2!!!! And my days was it hard!... she was born with a hole in her heart and a heart murmur (apparently it's closed now so yay!) Roll forward to January 2015 I spent every hour awake crying, feeling down, horrible thoughts, constant worrying, eating my feelings and lashing out at my loved ones. I was scared of myself, scared of what I could have done had I not helped myself. After weeks of battling with myself I went to the doctors. I didn't say much I just mainly cried!... I had postnatal depression and mild PTSD. Today I still have depression but i listen to my body now, I do NOT let it beat me and the most important fact to know is that I am not alone!... my health is being monitored as I'm having a few issues now which may lead to a pacemaker being put in, but I'll handle it when that comes, if it does. Life is a rollercoaster for me and I've just got to try and ride it the best I can! Don't suffer alone, speak to someone, you'll be surprised at how many people feel like you! 💕💕💕💕💕
