Beware, I am about to tell a story I never told before.
I've been hiding this since 2020.
Since I am afraid to tell one trusting person I know, I mind-as-well embarrass myself by telling everyone; anyone who cares.
I'm going insane.
Yell at my scared body.
Burn everything I have.
Lock my hands up because I am ruining my most-loving creatures: my fuzzy blankies.
Each day becomes worse.
I cling to my fuzzy blankies more than before; not for cuddling, but for plucking.
Every speck of fur I pluck...is detached from their wavy foundation; their nutritious soil, their planet rectangle; their warm home.
The cause of my plucking is: depression, stress, worry, etc....
Yes, I am okay with moving from the old house to the condo, but my roots were planted deep in the old house.
I am okay to live at the new house now because all of my neighborhood friends moved out of the neighborhood where the old house was, there are a couple people I know in the neighborhood where the new house is, my room is the biggest room I ever have in the new house, and I am able to watch trains in the backyard of the new house.
I, plucking specks of fur, reflects the transition of my life.
Every speck of fur grew up from their soil, then a bunch of them were plucked out of paradise, and fell into convolution.
This plucking has been going on since I moved out of the old house.
The plucking started to become worse right when I moved into the new house.
What's really sad is...my fuzzy blankies cry in silence, for they no longer squeal when I pluck them; they seem used to my abusing hands by now.
Yes, my fuzzy blankies squeak in communication.
I love when they squeak.
I hate when they squeal.
They stopped squealing...
They are too hurt...just like I am.
The more I pluck....the more I cry.
This is not who I am.
I keep making excuses:
"Oh no...the cat plucked Fuzz!"
"Oh no...the mechanical pencil tugged Albino!"
"Oh no...the zipper pulled Kateri!"
Very rare now do these things happen to my fuzzy blankies.
Very common now do I do this to my most-loving fur babies.
I don't try hard enough to restrict my hands and scanning eyes from finding and plucking specks of fur.
When I do try, I do one or more things at once:
Throw my fuzzy blankie(s) across the room.
Turn the light(s) off.
Wear gloves.
Don't carry fuzzy blankie(s) often.
All of these actions should prevent me from letting my eyes find specks, and from letting my hands pluck specks.
The kind thing about me is:
I have not thrown the plucked specks to waste.
I keep them secure.
I did not say "never", for I watched my dumb cat, JoAnne, EAT one speck of fur!!!
I never checked her poop to retrieve the speck of fur...
It could also be possible for disguising specks of fur to be vacuumed from the floor.
Also, it could be possible for a few specks of fur to be tossed around in the dryer, then the lint could take over.
Who knows...
I'm not a life-saving human.
I can't save everything I have...
I am just like an 8-inch floppy disk where each of my tracks of storage are slowly being ripped out of me, which then causes me to lose "memory", such as: my belongings, my supplies, my bought stuff, my gifts, my collectables, my toys, my clothes, my devices, my fuzzy blankies...nearly everything by now, and I am on year 19 and 6 months in this decaying Earth.
What kept me at my best was going to school.
I'd love school if there were no butthole kids who came to goof off.
Heck! I'd rather be friends with Goofy from Disney!
When the Coronavirus took over, and moved nearly everyone to studying for school electronically, that was when I started to fall apart.
At first, I was relieved to study for school at the house(s), for I did not have to worry about the butthole kids who would rather be obnoxious.
However, as the days, weeks, months went by, I grew lazy, I procrastinated, I felt boredom, I became lonely, and I no longer wanted to do what I enjoyed doing.
After I graduated the following year, my first 8 weeks of college threw me off even more.
I was so lonely, I decided to involve myself in the social media world.
Yes, I've been logged into a couple of social media apps since I got my first phone (about 10 years ago?), but I never thought before to make friends with strangers through technology.
It's so fun to get along with people and to make friends, but the many more mistakes I made were:
Being kind to anyone.
Accepting friend requests.
Falling into tricks.
The people who pretended to be my friend ended up ruining my life even more.
One of them I dearly miss, but I know he will not come back to be my friend again.
Part of me doesn't want to go back to college, for the college I did eLearning from failed me, and I failed me too.
This year has been my worst year of my life.
Yes, I enjoyed the many auto shows and the few good friends I met, but the depression always comes back to me.
My new motto:
Happiness is just an illusion.
Many people disagree with me, but happiness does not last long for me.
My whole life, I don't smile often in general.
I always have a flat face.
I am not good at proper conversations.
I process slowly.
I get frustrated very easy.
I'm autistic.
This year, I've been the most annoyed.
I am becoming worse and worse every day.
Part of me doesn't want the day to end.
Other times, I don't want to be here anymore.
I think of the bad things that I could do, but I'm too afraid.
Everything is ruining me.
I am ruining myself.
I am ruining my favorite things.
I am ruining friendships and bonds.
I am ruining everything.
I am ruined.
Everyone I encounter tries to help, but they fail.
Sometimes, I let them fail sooner, so they wouldn't have to worry about trying to help me longer.
I think about my fuzzy blankies every day.
I fail at helping them heal.
Oh wait...they...aren't.......alive.
Right now, I am standing to face my bed.
Three fuzzy blankies are lying on the bed motionless.
Two of them are mine, which are very fuzzy; their fur is about as long as half an inch.
One of them is not mine, which is almost like fleece, but still has the ability to fluff; its fur is about as long as 1/16th of an inch.
Since Tuesday, August 16th, I have been laying or sleeping with that fleece-like blankie.
That fleece-like blankie is doing little help about distracting me from plucking my fuzzy blankies.
Better than no help at all.
Please, I need 100% help.
With everything.
I know all of you are mad at me, but...
I really don't want to lose my fuzzy blankies!!!
I fell in love with the Mink fuzzy blankies since 2015!!!
I fell in love with fuzzy blankies in general since before 2015!!!
I want to cuddle with my fuzzy blankies again!!!
😭
