A song for 23 years completed. #NowPlaying #dontmesswiththebest #itsmabday
occasionally subtle
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

blake kathryn
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@orangehightops
A song for 23 years completed. #NowPlaying #dontmesswiththebest #itsmabday
Things
A collection of things I should have said:
don’t touch me, I don’t want that;
I’m sorry I was selfish;
I think I like you, but I’m scared you’ll leave;
don’t look at me that way, I’m intelligent;
I’m allowed to cry if I want to;
please just realize you don’t understand;
I didn’t deserve that;
people don’t go to hell for smoking, so leave him the fuck alone;
and,
I love you regardless.
Words are filling up my head.
Words are filling up my already too full head. It's usually full of thoughts, but since I don't think in words, this is too unusual. There are none of the usual pictures, flashes, memories, colors, moments. There are just words. Words like alone, breathless, and afraid. Words like year, and last and ending.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. None of it was supposed to be like this. I was prepared for hardship and I still am, and I know how it tastes, so that isn't the problem. The problem is that nothing is ending the way that it started, and this is the first time that's ever happened to me.
Tragedy seeps very naturally into the curve of my life, and being left alone and hurt and beaten is no stranger to me. It's only natural. But these words are not natural. Tragedy is a force, but right now there is simply a lack. A lack of what it was supposed to be, I saw it, in my head. I understand the way that life works and this isn't it.
These aren't thoughts, in my head, they are just words. Words are empty. Empty, that word in itself is a lack. My life, right now, is not wrought with sadness, or tragedy, or loneliness, as some might think. Or regret, as a specific few might like to believe. It's just lacking everything else. Lacking the natural course of life. Leave it to me to break the cycle, to rebel against a system I never wanted out of. Life is healing, life is rejuvenating, life is full of emptiness and sadness or of joy or of sunlight sitting on the rim of a wineglass. This isn't the way life is, life is supposed to follow a cycle.
What am I then, if not alive?
Avoiding Crazy
Make sure you're always witty. Never let him beat you to a punch line. Keep it light and funny so he'll never get bored. Don't ever talk about feminism. Only tell him you like him if he says it first. Always laugh when he tries to be funny. Pretend you're interested in sports. Or cars. Pretend you're really low maintenance. Pretend you eat junk food all of the time. If he hurts your feelings, pretend it doesn't bother you. When he touches you, pretend you like it. Pretend that sex is no big deal. If he leaves, you aren't allowed to get mad. Don't yell or cry, especially not in public. Pretend you're cool with it when he makes offensive jokes. Don't ever tell him your real opinion of his friends. Make sure you always affirm him--don't ever be critical. Never act like you care more than he does. Don't even show him how much he hurt you. Pretend that you know it's your fault. When you see him, smile and act like everything is okay. Don't ever warn her about what he did to you. Don't be crazy. Don't tell people what happened. If you don't move on to someone new, they'll think you're crazy. If you get mad, they'll think you're crazy. If you act hurt, he'll tell everyone you're crazy. If you act sad, he'll tell you you're crazy. Make sure you're always witty. Don't ever let them know how much hurt stays with you.
If I had to fill this page up with words, every single one of them would have the aftertaste of you.
Sometimes I like to let my lips get really chapped. It hurts. I like that it hurts. I let them get really dry and and wait until they start peeling off. Then I start to tug on them and let them get ripped up and start pulling off small pieces. This hurts more, and sometimes it starts to bleed. I sit here tugging on my dry lips and I can see the chapstick that is sitting on my desk. It's in arm's reach. But I sit here and let my lips bleed and chap and try to get as much pain out of them as I can. When I've ripped all of the dry pieces off, my lips are raw and feel like the inside of my body when I run my tongue over them. They sting. Only then will I put the chapstick on. I enjoy the relief. But not as much as I enjoyed the pain, I think.
Typewriter Series #830 by Tyler Knott Gregson
(Wo/Hu)man
I ate too much sugar today. My zits hurt. I went running this morning even though I had terrible menstrual cramps. The guy I like is an hour late to call me and I'm still waiting. I like to play music but only when no one is home. I can't wait until my next shower. I just painted some flowers. They looked terrible. I cried when I was driving and I hit a squirrel. I wish my hair was longer. I wish I could sleep with a nightlight all the time. I'm insecure every time I put on a bathing suit. I wish men in real life were more like men in books. I'm incredible at math but I chose to major in English. I cry in movies a lot. Buying new clothes makes me feel prettier. I worry about going camping because I know I won't be able to put on make up. I wish I could contribute more to the world than just raising children. I don't want anyone else to raise my future children. Sometimes I think I'm going to have to settle for anyone I meet. I kissed a guy when I was drunk just to prove that I could be immoral too. I'm supposed to be skinny, but also eat a lot. I'm supposed to be intelligent, but also meek and feminine. I'm supposed to be successful, but also gentle. I'm supposed to respect myself, even though the world doesn't respect me. I promise I'm human.
I was prepared to love you And never expect anything of you
“I’m stretched too thin, this constant longing for you will pull me apart.”
Tell me we’ll make it, tell me all this suffering, will be worth it soon.
Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)
It is really quite difficult for me to focus.
My heart is screaming from not knowing
My lips are curling from not saying
My shoulders squirm from not feeling
but I don't want this.
I turn my head around over and over
it doesn't feel natural to want and not want
Do I know what I'm saying?
All I know is that I don't want this.
Who else would love me, all the crazy inside me, all of this madness?
Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)
Typewriter Series #713 by Tyler Knott Gregson
I hear God in silence. Silence is monumental. It is a presence you can't see. I see why you created empty churches, God. I need silence. I need to listen.