I have a woman in my life that has changed my thoughts, physical appearance and understanding of Christ all in 6 months. I never knew or met love like this, and while I’m taking it all in, I fear that I’m not enough man for her. Or that I’ll ever be. Feels more of a self esteem issue then on her past boyfriends and situations. She’s much more mature then me at a younger age and that’s amazing to me. Her moves and execution is what I’m drawn to, but as we progress I’m unsure of how I can keep up. It’s like she has everything in order. Goals, dreams, aspirations, etc etc. while I’m still trying to break the cycle of living day to day.
Hell I still don’t know what I want to do with my life at 29. Like I’m wasting away. I ask god for purpose and meaning. To show me what my strengths are and how to capitalize on them. I’ve been asking since I’ve fell back in love with Christ. And while I know patience is a virtue, it’s also challenging to see the people around you move in a way you’d love to.
This woman I met...this woman god presented in front of me. This woman who challenges me. Doesn’t know that I’m scared to fail her. Scared to lose her. Scared to see her hold me at a lower standard than what she met me at. I’m changing, evolving and learning. I only hope that her patience is better then mine. That she see me trying. Not to please her but to better myself for myself AND with her in mind.
Recently we took a step back away from the relationship aspect to fully focus on our purpose in life. To build what and who WE are so that we can become stronger as a couple, and while that’s some of the most profound thinking I’ve ever heard from someone, that’s when the fear kicks in high gear. The doors that open for other things are so open that I feel if I blink too hard it’ll end us and that’s the last thing I want.
So here I am...wandering for purpose. To find myself and what I’m into to be a better person. Time waits for no man and while I don’t think I’m on borrowed time of life, I do believe I am with her for some reason. She knows where she wants to go in life, and she’s in love with a man whos attention span is shorter then a infant. Especially on things that require to work from the ground up.
Everyday I think of things I like. How to incorporate them into a happy career that I’ll enjoy. What route or avenue I can take to be wealthy enough to not work, because I often dream of a job that doesn’t exist. Just waking up in the morning and doing what I want for the day without having to pick up a keyboard or clock in. It burns in my heart a lot and I have this dream often. Like I’ve worked hard my whole life...HARD..to the point I feel like it’s owed to me. Yet I don’t know where to start. I’ve heard often that if you don’t put yourself in uncomfortable situations, you’ll never grow. Maybe I am too comfortable with certain things, hell maybe with everything.
I often think of playing the lottery. Keeping in mind people’s struggles when they win. You know, “didn’t know where the money for our bills was coming from next week.” “Lost my job, mother’s sick” etc. I keep account of my hardships and hold them to that “shit if I play I gotta win with all this going on” standard. But my faith in it is minuscule. Because my luck isn’t good with anything profitable it seems.
Maybe it comes from upbringing. Of hearing “you’re not good enough to do this or that.” I don’t know but I hate it. I hate the logical thought I have before faith and hope steps in. The “id never get that” or “I’d never win that” aspect of things. It’s a cycle I HAVE to break. Because with that mindset it’ll leave me with “I’ll never be able to have her as my wife” and that’s unacceptable. As of now THAT thought has crossed my mind atleast once and while it’s not often by a long shot, it’s still the sauce that lingers after the spaghetti.
Why can’t I get this life shit right?...how come when I love someone it’s so hard till the point of wanting to be with them all the time and not have a life outside of them almost. Am I dependent of someone else for happiness? I don’t think that’s the case because I can keep myself satisfied alone...or maybe I can’t. It’s a lot of things I guess I do have to sort out before I can love this woman as my wife. She’s tested me before we even put a title on us, and this is another challenge I’ve accepted. Now all I have to do is figure out where to start....
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