“Even now, standing on the edge, it's that feeling you get, yeah? Right at the back of your head. That impulse... That strange little impulse... That mad little voice saying, "Go on! Go on! Go on!... Go over! Go on!..." Doctor Who - The Satan Pit - 2006
Here goes then, my confession, the reasons why I did what I did, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Easiest way to open this is to say my actions were never malicious, I never had the intention to fuck over my former employer or my former colleagues.
I should also preface this with the fact I’ve started talking to a professional Therapist, I’ve been diagnosed with Anxiety and mild OCD and just a pinch of depression, essentially a cocktail of mental health issues that no one wants, but I am getting help.
I have an amazing support group of friends and family around me which I sometimes take for granted but they will never know just how thankful I am for having them around.
For the last five months or so I have hated getting out of bed, knowing that I was a short ten minute walk from taking a phonecall from some of the most angry, hate filled humans on the planet. I’ve had death threats, I’ve been told my life is not worth living, I’ve been told that I’m worthless scum. That kind of thing plays on your mind, it gets to you, it worms its way into your brain and it niggles at you every once in the while.
There have been mornings where I have prayed to whoever or whatever maybe listening to be put into a coma, to have just a period of time where I didn’t feel worthless.
I’ve never been suicidal, I just have those days like I assume everyone does where I just wish the Earth would open up and swallow me whole and I wouldn’t have to exist anymore.
I’ve written pieces before about not handling death and grief very well at all, just ignoring it and waiting for time to pass, recently this behaviour has caught up with me and the deaths of the eight people I’ve lost in the last eighteen months came rushing up to the surface all at once.
And then there’s the work itself, I’ve always been at the front of the pack at work, glowing comments, recommendations from senior managers and being trusted with a myriad of extra responsibilities.
A year ago though I was pushed into taking part in a new project, which become part of my job, however what I was not made aware of was there was a forced expectation for me to stay a part of the project for at least a year, when I tried to apply for other jobs within the business I was pulled into secret little meetings with senior managers who “highly recommended” that I retract my application due to this forced expectation.
Trapped in a job that I didn’t ask for. This started to play on my mind, the new job came with extra responsibilities and a higher risk factor, I was dealing with actual money and under my processing peoples livelihoods, pension payments or house deposits could leave the business and this sometimes made me scared.
I began to make errors, stupid tiny things that if I was at the top of my game I would notice in a heartbeat, but the errors kept coming, and I was no longer at the front of the pack, I was becoming a liability and I fucking hated that. There were times I would get an error back and I would just get up from my desk, go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, resenting the imbecile looking back at me.
Unfortunately during one fateful week in March this all came to a head all this worry, anger and resentment came bubbling up and I lost all confidence in my ability and I avoided taking 85 phonecalls because I was scared of being a failure.
They fired me for that, I tried to explain and apologised wholeheartedly for my actions but it wasn’t good enough, the moment I lost faith in myself was the moment the business lost faith in me. I know people have done what I did before and have been allowed to keep their jobs, but not me, not this time. I’m being made an example of, I’ll be the story that the trainers tell the new recruits about when they are scaring them into line.
I am the family fuck up, the embarrassment.
But I don’t want to be anymore.
I’m treating this as a blessing in disguise, the chance to do something new and exciting with my life.
I’ve always wanted to work with disadvantaged kids, children who need help and someone to be there for them, that’s why I’ve applied for a course at College in September to do Health and Social Care to put me on the right track.
I’d been stagnating in a job that I had wanted to leave for the longest time, sure I didn’t leave on the best of terms and it’s probably damaged my reputation when it comes to applying for other jobs but I’m ready for the struggle.
Christ, I mean if people who are released from prison can find jobs surely a bloke who made one honest mistake can do the same.
kaledo-art
baratheonpilled
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
2087
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