The Orsimer Bard

Just a place for me to put my Skyrim poetry and other nonsense where it will not bother the people on my Facebook feed.

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Bandit Haiku

Sir, you anger me

That's why I killed and stripped you

Take that, nude bandit

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Honeybrew and Hagravens an Italian Sonnet

And here I come now to tell you a tale

A warning of why you should not drink mead

And head to Witchmist grove upon your stead

A Hagraven you may try to impale

And she will not care about your wassail

Better marry her or she’ll have your head

Surely you prefer to live than be dead

With Hagravens nesting in your entrails

You can try to kill her if you are strong

If not, better run as fast as you can

Hagravens don’t take rejection that well

To think what you did with her all nightlong

Run fast enough and you are a free man

Marriage without a Hagraven is hell.

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Mercer Frey Haiku

My dear Mercer Frey, Tried to slit my throat that day, And now he must pay.

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Dwemer Haiku

Dwemer contraptions So incredibly useful Until used on you

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Falmer, Falmer

Falmer, Falmer What do you see? I see a Nord trying to kill me. Falmer, Falmer What do you smell? I smell a Dwemer trying to deceive me. Falmer, Falmer What do you hear? I hear an adventurer, that sounds mighty tasty.

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Mercer Frey has a Death Wish

Mercer Frey, He gets in my way, And blocks my arrows that keep the Draugr at bay.

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Draugr Haiku

Draugr try to kill Thanks to a ninety-two sneak They will not find me

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The Lusty Argonian Maid as a Shakespearean Sonnet

“Certainly not, kind sir!” She yelled aloud. “I am to clean your chambers not be nailed!” “Is that why you’ve come?” Colto asked quite proud. “I do not know what you imply!” She wailed. “I am but a poor Argonian maid.” “That you are.” He replied with intense lust. “Nice caudal appendage.” He said unswayed. “Mistress will beat me until my head busts!” “I have something for you to clean right here. Please take liberty to polish my spear.”