What is, is.

it's a mindset

[ostentatiouspunk]

A Mood

“I’m here if you need to talk. You seem distressed”

A Baymax in life would be nice 

To cuddle, carress, hold. 

To know that I’m not that I may not be the only peanut in the world.

To match, link, clash. I kiss the pillow in my dreams. 

“It’s so gay.” The vase breaks a little. I’m holding it, piece by peace, to hold the pedestal of my being, bound by gold tetherings. 

I’m trying to breathe, to exhale and inhale. To learn to let go and learn to see the dews and meadows and sun.

To give up what is done, what isn’t possible. To realize that those eyes, the person that you are, to see the heart and your smile and your laugh dancing in my brain swimming in conscience... it isn’t possible. You probably love her.

Left, right, up, down. Swipe disposable people, thrown into the cloud of connections, matches, and likes. 

I’m breathing, but just barely. 

I want to be feel connected. 

Peoplewanttodiebecuasetheyfeelsodisconnected.

To stay strong and to say He is supreme. I’m trying, but why do you seem so far. So distant. 

Am I just not meant to be?

Am I meant to be the only peanut?

It’s worse to want to cry but no tears come out. The tears just well within the heart and course through the body immersing in melancholy. 

I love You, but please give me someone to love.

It is my one request, Lord.

I am very grateful. But I am so much in pain from desolate isolation. 

Nurture me, mature me. Mold me, chafe me. 

[ostentatiouspunk]

[ostentatiouspunk]

Yeah. there are days when it’s not so lonely after all. Today was a good day. 

[ostentatiouspunk]

4:48am

I care a lot.

I think a lot.

You got this. Get back up on your feet. Fall back again, then get back up. Keep going.

[ostentatiouspunk]

4:22:53 am

I’m lost. 

Of all the suffering and hardships of the world, my goal is to always do what I can to help others, empathize of their pain, and love them. To care for them. 

Of all the fears in the world, knowing and being the only one of the world is perhaps my greatest. Loneliness. 

I stay up to this night looking at great love stories, or understanding the pains of love stories. 

I read in Psychology Today that a lot of relationships of my type don’t end up being serious because you “are unlovable.”

I want to truly. as fucking stupid and cliche and dumb as it sounds. I just want to help the world and heal the world. 

I want to stop this pain.This fucking guilt called sin and iniquity and feeling inadequate to God. I tell myself yes, I am redeemed by grace but I feel so fucking inadequate. 

I don’t trust anyone. How can I trust anyone?

Who am I? I don’t know who I am anymore.

All I ever wanted was to feel belonged in the world, feel belonged by God. 

But when all the ties seem broken away, you wonder.

You wander, you try, you exercise, you try to get up, you fail to exercise, you curse yourself for not being productive for 2 months. 

You wonder where you fucking screwed up in your relationship, what you could’ve done better. The “what-ifs” and snipping thoughts off. 

You wonder if this is worth it at all. 

Some people have it so easy. Maybe once I have it all, it may seem easy. You look back and you wonder why you even cried at 4:22am about something stupid like God loving you, or even people loving you.

I have friends, I have family, I have a roof on top of my head, I have everything literally a 21 year old boy can I ask for and be thankful for. 

I look at couples and see how happy they are.

Hopeless romantics are fucking hopeless. 

I am fitting for a grandpa, courtship, serious relationships. Shopping dating. 

Until you’re 22. 

I think I should stop all social media one day but then truly won’t feel a sense of worth in my life. 

I want to teach. 

I want to serve, I want to learn about the body. Anesthesia sounds cool. 

Black Lives Matter and Coronavirus. I’m pretty sure everyone can agree that it’s been a lot. 

Posting a photo to see if I can even improve on my image.

I do want to be leaner, I really do hate my self image, it’s gotten a lot worse.

Depression is really fucking real, I’m trying everyday. 

I’m forcing myself to cook. 

I’m watching Big Bang Theory and realizing how much of a nerd I am and like the humor.

I got kicked out of League. That was funny.

Love Victor is pretty interesting.

We just don’t have the confidence. I don’t have the confidence to love myself and be myself. I think I do to a good extent. But I can’t love myself for who I am. I’m really trying. I don’t know maybe not enough.

When I water the plants, I feel so much joy. I wonder if sometimes I’m made to be a stay at home dad because I really love watering and watching them grow, nurturing.

All I wonder are these: Is weirdo thinking of me at all? Is weirdo doing good in his life?

CASPER is interesting. Ethics. 

I cried and shed. I’m done now. Maybe I can go to sleep.

I hate being exhausted, I hate having to feel this, I hate not having love, I hate being a dumbass at reading, I hate it. 

I hate not knowing a good place where I can be happy, I hate how society is structured like this, I hate feeling guilty about my conscious being, I hate who I like, I hate how I don’t like, I hate waiting. 

Vomit of the keyboard. That is what today has been.

I am a mess, I kind of have been for awhile. 

I am trying, I need to try a little harder. 

Day by day. Moment by moment.

Happier. 

Modern Loneliness. 

Memories. 

This feeling. It all fades, and goes. It evaporates, eviscerates. 

I don’t think hope is a good word. 

“Everything will be okay.” 

More like: “You will find your peace in life.”

I am at peace as of now too. I am very much at peace. 

Love yourself more, Youvin. 

You’re doing great. 

Resilience. That is the one resounding quality I’m going to say I’m proud of. You can fucking cry all you want, stay up all you want, make terrible fucking decisions all you want, be all anxious and depressed every summer like you always are. But you will always bounce back up. ALWAYS. It is not an option that you will give yourself. That is the one thing I hold onto dearly. I am resilient. I hold onto God, my love, my race, my culture, my values. I challenge myself, I change. I grow.

I will grow.

I am resilient.

I will be at peace, just as I am now. 

And that is why “everything will be okay.” 

[ostentatiouspunk]

Control

“Is there a current circumstance in your life where you feel like the Israelites? How can you surrender your worries, fears, and desire for control to God?”

It’s probably my greatest weakness: control. I want to be able to control everything: my thoughts, my feelings, other people’s thoughts and feelings, my desires, my future, my judgments, my love, my perception. 

I’ve learned to let go slowly. I’ve learned, yes, people are different. I’ve learned I can’t have it all, I can’t always take charge, I can’t. Sometimes, I’ll just let myself feel: I will let myself feel happy, I will be angry, I will be ecstatic, I will be depressed, I will be frustrated, in angst, out of my control. 

Hopefully, I’ll learn to accept and be okay with it. I will relinquish, I will love without control. Be without too much control. 

Control. What a word, what a catch. A plague. 

It’s gotten better, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I will continue to let myself feel. I’ll work on learning not to control others. I’ll learn to just let it be, to so be it. 

[ostentatiouspunk]

Tears?

All I can, as it’s been worse

Is think.

Sublimating, displacing, continuing, forgetting

Move on.

I miss you so much and I just want to know that you’re doing well.

But I’ll go to New York

With my memories

With my tears,

Struggle? Monday morning? School work? Future? Medical school?

But pain, and tears.

I trust it will get better, move on

[ostentatiouspunk]

Don’t know time

I don’t know if time is available today, so I’m going to write now... it’s interesting

What an amazing lecture it was today. Great, great guy. I’d live to work for him, what an inspiration. Will never forget.

Um... strangely just getting a more prideful, hateful thought? I think it’s okay for now but I wish it would stop.. it shows I care. I don’t and I don’t want to. Facebook gahhh

I’m fucked for this midterm. Send actual help.

I’m thinking, sure I’m acting all uptight, quick, but hey my GC looked amazing the reaction went so smooth. I think it’s completely fine. It’ll be all good. Idk does Max hate me lol

Also omg AD HAHA he genuinely liked it.

I need a family picture.

You know in the end, you survive. UGH

The lecture was so good I need to retype it here:

Dr. Seth Stephens-Savidowitz: awesome psychologist on Google data

- we lie over 50% on surveys. That’s because it’s almost public information, but what we say to Google is almost truth because we feel it’s private. We say everything to it, we ask all the questions. But it can be exposed, at our pseudo private searching.

- women report using 1.1 billion condoms used, men 1.6 billion condoms. There are only 600 million condoms sold ever.

-“Is my husband gay” is the highest question search by wives on their husbands

-gay porn views are similar all across the United States. The most popular search after “gay porn” is “free gay porn.” Next popular is “gay test” and “Am I gay?” indicating much insecurities on sexuality among men.

-there is more search on porn than the weather.

-The next popular search after STD google searches is suicide. Next popular is celebrities with STDs. This indicates they are trying to look for role models in their lives. Seth (the researcher) is working to get celebrities to admit to their STDs in order to save lives

-The highest search of racist terminologies like the n word is interestingly the day after Obama’s election

- the most searched body part by a man is: yep, the penis. The most popular question asked is “how big is my penis” as if Google can answer that for you. There are more searches about the penis than about the lung, liver, heart, or other body parts and health concerns. There are more searches about the size of your penis than how to change a tire.

-Once again, Facebook is public, while Google is “private.” Wives can have very differing opinions about their husbands on both platforms. The top five descriptions on Facebook for “My husband is...”: the best, my best friend, amazing, the greatest, and so cute. Top top five searches on Google for “My husband is...”: gay, a jerk, amazing, annoying, and mean. Strangely, the third most popular searches and descriptors on Facebook and Google match: my husband is amazing.

-Based on Spotify data, Women’s musical influence is peaked at age 13, and for men, 14. What you listened then influences what you listen now, and this correlated perfectly with puberty.

Sorry but THIS is why I came to Penn that was the most interesting lecture. This this this this this GAHHH I wanna work for him or something he is sooooo wise too. He opened up about his depression too. Some words he said that just resonated with me so hard:

No one knows why we’re here, no one knows what we’re doing, but we’re all doing the best we can.

I apply to a bunch of positions that I know I’ll get rejected to. But who knows, maybe I’ll get that slice, that chance, and it’ll transform my life. Who knows?

I’m reading his fucking book Everybody Lies

Okey I’m done with my rant. Time to study haha ☺️

I’m fine I promise

[ostentatiouspunk]

Exercise

It’s a funny thing... I hate it with the utmost burning passion... and yes if it’s for West Philadelphia, if in the basement of the Common Place church, if it’s to step dancing, if it’s a community, if it’s a place of smiles... I cannot ask more.

I am happy, and I even choose to not care about what I have to do, but I do because I want to.

It’s still hard, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. But thank you, Service Link, thank you serotonin. You saved me once again today 😊

[ostentatiouspunk]

Mother cries

When a mother cries and tells you she’s sorry, that she cried a lot while I was in her belly.... what do I say?

When she cries and tells you that she feels sorry that I am hurt more than she knows she feels

When she says she really looks up to me... what do I say?

I don’t feel that way for myself, but all I can say is I don’t quite understand a mother’s love that much. 

And all I can think is how terrible my life will be without her. 

When she tells me not to have sex before marriage and how she’s very concerned for me and that she loves me and understands me, what do I say?

I can’t imagine my life life without her. I think she’s the only one in this world who really truly cares, from the bottom of her heart and what am I... do I care enough for her?

I love you, mom, thank you and I’m sorry, that I can’t give enough. 

I love you and I will miss you

[ostentatiouspunk]

Hard to feel loved

It’s hard when there’s a distance

When we’re living our lives, and there are moments when I feel like I’m losing him.

Not because he’s not a great person, not because he’s doing something wrong.

It’s the distance, and it makes it feel like insincerity.

I have my lonely days, days when I want someone to be next to and to just be... but no one is there.

He’s busy and I’m busy with what we have to do that there feels little time for each other. At times I feel hurt because I feel that loneliness and lack of sympathy... and I wonder if he ever feels the same way, or if he’s just perfectly fine with how it is.

And texting or online communication feels so fake and unreal compared to the real person.

If it doesn’t feel like I have some awareness or presence in his life, I don’t know if I call it a relationship. If it doesn’t feel like a relationship, it simply doesn’t.

I’m not sad, I’m not making a move, I’m overall confused. Confused as to how to feel in this moment, if I should be strong and instead love myself.

Maybe the distance is good too... I don’t quite know. I don’t think I’m asking for anything, just that I feel this emptiness, because of the distance... does he truly care about me? All I get from him is simply “Are you okay?” then how his day is going. Where is the sincerity?

Think of the good things. New York, how he’s a happy person, how he’s very intelligent, he’s silly, how he comes visit me. I’m glad I meditated, I’m glad my thoughts are at peace.

Please let me have that peace, I need it more in every moment to be with You. And help me recognize that You are always there, despite it all.

Love, it’s hard. From You, from him, from all.

Accept and trust, that’s the best you can do.

[ostentatiouspunk]

Hurt

I’ll write here today.

He asks me: what would my choice be, family or him?

Thanks a lot Crazy Rich Asians, but it’s a fear I have been avoiding. 

Family, a realization of home, of near unconditional love from a mother. Of knowing who we are so well, of loving who we are also. Of spontaneous support and care, of constant worry for each other. Even though she says it isn’t natural to match up with a mother’s love... how could I not at least try?

Him, a realization of new home, of complete selfless love. Of knowing despite the flaws, despite the lack of love to him, despite even telling him how I can’t fully trust anyone... he still sticks to me. Even though I feel his pain and hurt from the harsh... I just wish he knew how much I sincerely do love him, from the deepest. 

After sharing them, I get the responses

Mom: count your blessings, you have so many that God has given. Always look at the great things, rather than the negatives. And yes, let’s think about the here and now. Do your best in the present moment. And even though it’s scary, I don’t want you to worry about me. 

Him: I don’t want you to think too much, you have to relax it out. i don’t want to be in the way of you and your family.

What, what am I to do?

I’m serious I seriously do not know. 

One is completely trust falling me, when I can’t at this moment and I need the time to trust. 

The other is telling me to be happy and to not worry who I came from. 

What, what am I to do?

Tonight, I’ll probably count my blessings

Tomorrow and in the future, I’ll live in the present

That’s sincerely the best I can do. 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[ostentatiouspunk]

will remind, still concerned

The past returns, everyday. Sister and parents clashed, college talks have begun. It’s the Ivy or to be in a protected bubble, both unhappy for her. What to do, to ease the guilt, my parents instilled me out of love before, not only of college. But some words, dense stares, scarred in me. Remnants of high school with friends. They used to be miserable, with family, with stress, with self-worth. The room. The nights of crying, the nights in Tumblr. Endless moons of searching. The library spot. To this day, I do not understand why I made this mistake. It isn’t even a mistake, it isn’t a fault, it isn’t a blunder. I need a stronger word, but I visited and it brought. Kayamm warm and fuzzy notes, the irony. I open and I read, such bittersweet joyful pain. It happened, and still a question. Forgive and forget. The most redundant phrase, yet I crave: to consistently fprget. I want it erased, blotted, damaged. Heavy, but bearable, He says. So I must. The future looms, every moment. Perhaps of greater concern. What is to happen with my sister, she shines, needs direction, hates tether. What to become of our love, or is it becoming lust. If it does, bound to be fleeting; I want permanence, with God, with emotion, with quality, together and to never be alone but always with each other through the course of life. But I long physical affection, every single second and I feel ashamed, of my past. I severed love and sex, and I try to splice them back. Is this what love is, that we truly love each other so much, we connect and want to be together and for each other so much, that we want to be recognized through our exploration, to be one together? Or is it us being objects of desire? Have I been a plague, a terrible influence on him? I believe I have my answer, I hope he feels the same. Does he? What the future holds for us. I need you every moment, what if it’s all for nothing. It’s always the whisper, does he feel the same. What is that future for us? Can it be tangible, can I drive[.] Or is [?] more appropriate{.?}

Literature. I beg that it will be at least helpful to others, that He is with me, that it can be.  Academics, my propsects, of less concern, but is one. At least the past is set in stone, the future is water, deformed in the blink, by your decisions, mistakes. TRUST. Trust in Him. TRUST. IN. HIM. He will help you forget, He will create the path. But here now, be present in Him. Live with Him always, always Now. How vibrating, how gentle, Now. To be Here, Now, Him. Friend, Sincerely ~ Thank you. Dissolve the ghost, release a tension. I am relaxed. I am with. Let it be, so be it.

[ostentatiouspunk]

Hi

It’s strange to feel. I really do like him. 

Humans need love, everyone needs love, I need love. I tell myself no, for my parents, for probably my sanity, because I’m completely trash, because I’m not worth it, because I cannot. 

But I don’t want to be alone, this world is so lonely, everything hurts without a someone. I need emotional connection, I need someone to love, I found that that I need love, everyone needs love, humans need love. 

Breathe. Breathe. I have never been closer to God than ever before and I have never felt so happy, exhausted before. Breathe, breathe. Why am I not happy and why do I feel conflicted? Breathe. I’m suppressing what needs to be suppressed? I don’t know. Breathe. I need to know him better. It would be long distance and you KNOW what you think about it. 

I’m too much. Nothing. NOTHING. is going to happen. It may not happen, please. Be real, be present. I want nothing, I don’t need anything. 

This was a bad one, but I needed to let it out.

Thank you mom, thank you God, and thank you. 

Thank you,

Thanks. 

[ostentatiouspunk]

I don’t feel so well

lol I haven’t been on Tumblr since who knows when. 

Why do I feel this? Why do I get mad at people? Why do I seemingly give up? Why can’t I be consistent? Why can’t I shut up?

This fucking world is too noisy, too much. I do my best, I strive, I collect myself together, but all for what? 

Sure, there’s this crush in math class. My friends had to take my phone and text him. Without asking for my permission. Respect my fucking privacy. Don’t ever fucking do that anymore you fucking shits. Leave me the fuck alone. 

You know, I’m done with love. Why do I even try? What does a swipe right even mean? I can’t find it. I can’t find love. I won’t find love, I never will, it’s not going to happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Hm. Yeah my mom has cancer. Highly curable, luckily enough. I was mad at them, why didn’t you tell me earlier? Then... all I could do was cry. Because now, I got a taste of grief. What would I fucking do without my mom.

I’m trying my best academically. And admittedly I’m doing pretty well. But it’s so hard. I have to keep pushing. I have to keep going. But today, I give up. And if I give up, it won’t be good. Because I gave up yesterday too. And I’ll be so far behind. I’m done. 

Sometimes, just wish I was crossfaded everyday. Then I can emote. I can feel. I can be. Who cares what others think? I care too much, to even care my own. I have to push my way out. 

It’s okay, pills are supposed to help you. You’re not supposed to have these dark thoughts anymore. I don’t know about these pills. I don’t know about feeling. 

What do I even want? I have everything. I really do, I’m a spoiled fucking brat who has everything. 

Is it happiness? Even that is so fleeting. I don’t feel anything. I don’t get anything. 

It all starts small. People just shouldn’t fuck around with me. I probably just shouldn’t be around people. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t. know. 

Lyrics: 

No matter how much I insist I can’t help it. I put my chest out but I have no friends. Even singing birds fly far away. Don’t go, don’t go, please don’t go. Please sing for me just once. Holding my aching heart. But tonight, once again, I cry myself to sleep.

Reminds me of another song that I’m going to listen now because I need it:

When you're tired and exhausted, lean on me I will always be by your side So that you never feel like you're alone in this world, I'll be right beside you, holding your hand.

Who is that someone? Where is that someone? I don’t need love. I just need someone. Anyone. I don’t know, even a hug right now would feel good. Anyone. My mom, my sister, just anyone who can fucking sympathize. Yes, I have friends, family, things, internet, but I’m so alone. 

I don’t feel so well.

[678i0u]

steve rogers + faceless