Our Darling Grace ♥

This is a little blog in memory of our perfect baby girl and how we lost her at almost 22 weeks pregnant- I am going to try to be as honest as possible and a lot of this may be written in hindsight (the wonderful thing that it is) This is both happy and heartbreaking, but it's real.

[ourdarlinggrace]

O n e y e a r

20th July 2017. • I haven't really got the words. I'm feeling all kinds of things, but today is no worse than the other 364 spent without you. You were so loved, so wanted and so needed. • This is not a "happy 1st birthday" . Today will always be remembered as the worst day of my life. Today is not the day you were born to me, it's the day you died and how can I possibly celebrate that? • I honestly don't know how I'm still alive. We've just lost so much, so much. I find myself saying "all of the little things that I love die" and people look at me strange - but it is true isn't it? • Most of all Grace, I just wanted you to keep. That feeling is coming with me to the end.

[ourdarlinggrace]

There's not a single thing on this planet that can make me truely, purely happy anymore. Believe me, I have tried it all now.

[ourdarlinggrace]

I can't do another failure, another grief, another black hole. So please, don't make me.

[ourdarlinggrace]

[ourdarlinggrace]

They never heal, nor would I want them to really now. The wounds are all i've got.

[ourdarlinggrace]

Every pregnancy announcement is like a knife right through me...

[ourdarlinggrace]

I hate it. I hate all of this.

[ourdarlinggrace]

For loan or sale:

One pair of "big girl knickers". Been worn extensively in the past 6 months. Elastic slackened. Fabric threadbare. Too big for me to fill now. Don't want to wear them anymore. Someone elses turn please.

[ourdarlinggrace]

I lost a soul within this year, Just unlucky they said. My heart was ripped in two, My wretched body bled and bled. The pain of when I birthed you, Bares nothing now on what remains

Well, at least you can try again. Oh really, do you understand? I’m not sure what my heart can take What my marriage can withstand.

I’m trying to let people in To not be distant or sad But they deal with things so differently  And get so very mad.

I’m angry too, at the world For being so unfair We’re both in jobs where everyday We see the result of lack of care.

But angry doesn’t pay the bills Or make it any better Nor waiting for more results Or the post, another letter.

Today more news of pregnant friends. I wince, a smile upon my face What did I do so badly wrong In another time or place?

Some days are almost good  but some hold too much pain I wonder how I’ll make it through. Each day my heart breaks over again

We’ll never know who you would have been And what I wouldn’t give right now, To be woken by a newborn cry or scream But all I ask is “how?”

So when you say “try again” My body stiffens in pain What if this time I don’t make it through? For right now I feel close to insane

There is only so much heartbreak We can put ourselves through I’ve had my fill you say, no more for me No matter how much I wanted you

But for me now will always be What if I tried again? Would we be unlucky twice? More physical and mental pain?

I’m broken now And I will never be the same Part of me is always missing And no one is to blame.

[ourdarlinggrace]

I think tonight is a cry yourself to sleep night.

[ourdarlinggrace]

[ourdarlinggrace]

That last kiss, I'll cherish Until we meet again And time makes It harder I wish I could remember But I keep, your memory You visit me in my sleep My darling Who knew?

[ourdarlinggrace]

I will let you know

what it is like to spend your whole life aching, yearning, hoping and wishing for someone that is never coming back. Ask me in a good few years, if i’m so lucky. Will miss you until my grave. “Do not fear growing old; it is a priviledge denied to many”

[ourdarlinggrace]

Motherhood is really hard without a baby. If you're a mother and you are moaning and whinging about how hard it is, yes we know it is hard, it is meant to be. But how much harder is it WITHOUT your child. You are finding it hard, I am finding it UNBEARABLE.

[ourdarlinggrace]

I wish

that people would want to know what Grace looked like. Less than 10 of our family and close friends met her physically. But, we have photos of her. And nobody ever asks. When a live baby is born people are so excited to see who they look like, whose nose they have, whose eyes they have etc. When it's a dead baby though, somehow people can't see past that. We are proud of how beautiful you were, that's all that matters.

[ourdarlinggrace]

Some days you just can't breathe.

[ourdarlinggrace]