Taking a quick break from a long to-do list to talk about relationships.
What I've learned recently from "The Body Keeps the Score," conversations with trauma experts, and other research is that relationships in early childhood are most often what damage us; they are also what can heal us, starting with our relationship to ourselves. Treat yo'self with love and respect.
When I say that relationships damage us, I'm referring to the relationships we have with our primary caregiver(s) and how the way we're treated when we're young shapes who we are as adults. Past injustices shouldn't be a constant excuse for bad behavior, though it's important to note that exposure to chronic stress in childhood impairs a person's ability to self-regulate because it changes their neurological structure--the hippocampus is usually less developed which leads to all sorts of issues with learning, memory and response to stress. This means that when faced with stress or negative emotions, children who experienced abuse or community violence are ill-equipped to respond in positive, healthy ways.
Most parents do the best job they can, but because of things like social determinants and intergenerational abuse cycles (emotional, physical, sexual, neglect) and denial/lack of honesty with the self, even their best can prevent us from growing into healthy, emotionally stable humans.
I've been doing a lot of research on attachment theory and created an online dating account over winter break to test out some theories I was developing through online correspondence. Once you understand the different attachment styles, it's not too hard to identify which one somebody might have (and I say "might" because I am no expert). It's an interesting lens to see the world through, keeping in mind that these things aren't fixed because people are amazing and ever-evolving.
Eva and I even came up with a game to play on the rare occasions we go out. We observe people's behavior or engage them in conversation. Once we feel like we've gotten enough info, we use rock, paper, scissors hand gestures to communicate what attachment style we think they have.
These are the attachment styles that psychologists have identified:
a) secure: we use the rock for this because it's strong and solid (some say 50% of the general population)
b) anxious-preoccupied: paper, fluttering around and wanting to cover/smother things
c) avoidant: scissors, cutting ties with people who get too close
There are two types of avoidants:
1) dismissive: characterized by high self-regard, lack of emotional availability and the feeling that they don't need others
2) fearful: characterized by low self-esteem, anxiety, and an overwhelming fear of intimacy despite the desire to be in a close relationship
Our early relationships provide the foundation for how we develop attachments to others as adults. Attachment styles, like Myers Briggs personality types, are not set in stone for life. They’re fluid. If there's something you want to change, you can change it. For example, if you're a fearful avoidant, you can put in the work to develop more confidence and foster relationships with people who are reliable and won't let you down when you need emotional support. You can practice yoga and mindfulness to aid in reducing the amount of anxiety you experience if you’re especially anxious. It's all about making good choices for yourself by first recognizing what the bad ones are, doing things that make you feel great about who you are as a person, and recognizing that no one is perfect.
A few weeks ago, I started looking into the intersection of the MBTI and attachment theory and made some really interesting discoveries about "typical" Myers Briggs personality types when it comes to these different attachment styles. I won't get too far into it because it's time to return to work, but it felt disorienting at first, like when two different groups of friends party together. I'll end by saying that all of this reading and research has provided me with a much more optimistic outlook on intimate relationships and the ability for people to change when they want to, putting an end to hurtful patterns in the process.
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