ako si Yen

ambivert, dreamer, killer of time, book lover but not a bibliophile. traveler, paper people

[oyenlan]

courage to kill myself

i am seated in the middle of a crowded cafe. thinking im fine. Chanting every word SA TA NA MA. Wishing i could be strong. But the delicacy of being serve as a weak person is my thing. I always wants what is best to everyone i care for. But i always ended up weak and weary. I ended up destroying them. My family hates me for choosing my mistake and even everything works fine to us now they still hate me for it. To my best friend that i played with. She dont deserve to be played like that. To a person i use for relief that i ended up destroying her relationship to a guys that loves her so much. To my colleagues that i make her fell to me and ended up broken coz i chose my pride and ego. I ruin everyone even that girl who chose to love me unconditionally. Now she is too damage to love another guy again. I am too toxic. Now tell me. After all of this. Why i still cling to my life even though i tried to kill myself many times. Why i told myself to stop counting but why everytime when im fine i still fall into crying. Why i can no longer understand myself.

Now for the list.

1. Take a pill and drink

2. if you got scared try to starve urself

3. when you feel pain try harder.

4. role dice everyday and when 1 showed up try to kill urself

5. if that doesn't work and you got bored of waiting. then take a knife and slowly cut your wrist.

6. but if u are afraid of sharp things. do thinner.

7. Scared of slowly dying? hang yourself.

8. scared of losing air. take sleeping pills. in that way you will just fell asleep without pain.

9. doesn't work? then try this last resort. jump to a high place.

10. lastly before you die. write a good bye message to make everyone feel miserable.

Now for my message.

hi. no one know me. and no one cares. i am not okay. i did a lot of mistake and i feel i cant fix it anymore. i know some of you will tell me that im too dramatic and too over acting then sorry for making you think of that. but you dont know how painful this is. you tell me to forgive. yes i do! but i dont know myself anymore. i cry even im happy. i cry even i dont know why. i told everyone to understand but they dont! they are all lies! they are all too much! sorry. to my family thank you for bringing me to this world. im way too glad for your love. sorry need to say goodbye. to my friends i hope you all forgive me. i hurt you and everyone. sorry. to all thank you for the memories and sorry for making everyone worry. i will be happy and at rest now.

yen

[oyenlan]

PI

Nakita kita at nasira ko ang pangako.

Pula ang iyong mukha sa inis o galit.

Di ko alam anong dapat gawin.

Nanginig, humihina, at nagmamakaawa.

Ngunit huli na ang lahat.

Mga salita na nais sabihin.

'Sabik kana makita,

Masaya ako makasama ka

At nais kang hagkan'

Lahat ng iyon ay naglaho.

Naglaho dahil sa takot.

Takot na nadarama.

Ninanais balikan mga pagkakamali.

Maling di matumbasan ng tama.

Sadyang walang kwenta.

Ako na nais ka ay di karapatdapat.

Di dapat maging parte ng kahit sino.

Naupos. Naubos. Natunaw.

Sadyang di ako marunong magmahal.

Lahat na ng nakasama at dinaanan

Lahat ay nasaktan at naglaho.

Diba anong saklap.

Kaya walang kwenta.

Walang kwenta na ako ay mahalin.

Sana sa huling pyesa ako ay mahanap.

Mabago pa ang dapat mabago.

Ngunit.

Wala na akong pag asa pa.

-P.B. Morrie

[oyenlan]

Drop

I bleed no one sees. I cry no one hears. It is because how great my mask covers me. I search for someone who can unveil this madness i wear but seeking is too late. Any minute the clock is ticking and every tick is a sign that i'll be dropping like a stone.

[oyenlan]

Sadness

Sadness is just a word or maybe it is just a part of our emotion but for me it is me. It is what my whole soul was created. A deeper sadness. A agony of what my body craves but what my heart refuse to take. Every single cell i have is the piece of this sadness. I tried to escape but i failed.

[oyenlan]

Selfish heart

You hated me so bad but i didn’t even do anything. You break your own heart while im fixing mine. And ur stupid alibi is ur much important than fixing my heart. You told me you understand but you didn’t. You lied. You think that i, being a man must be stronger than you coz ur a lady but that is a stupid thought. We are just the same. I am broke and you are. I hope you can take it but you are too selfish to understand. You thought being a lady is what makes you vulnerable and being a man must always be tougher to hold everyone’s pain but we are all human. And you forgot that. I am just a human who is broken. You just dont get it. Thats all. You are making a broken story that everyone else pitied you. I hate it because i still falling to you even you have this selfish heart. By Lauren Morrie

[oyenlan]

Sayo

Una di ko mabanggit nais sabihin ni kahit pamagat walang maisip. Ninanais man ngunit tila upos na utak lang ang natira. Gusto ko sabihin lahat ng nais, lahat kahit na wala nang dahilan o kahulugan pa kaso upos na. Ubos na ako sa kakaisip ng dapat sabihin. Ubos. 

Di ko alam paano mag umpisa. Ni kahit pabola wala na. Bumilog ang mundo ngunit ako ay nananatiling tigang. Tuyo sa sariling maskara. Paano ko ba sasabihin sayo to? Paano ko uumpisahan? Saan ako huhugot ng lakas kung sarili ay tuyo, upos, tigang at ubos na?

Isang gabi habang pikit na ang mundo, sarado na ang lahat at tila ugong na lamang ng orasan ang natitira ng biglang sumagi ang nais sabihin. Nakahiga ako na parang bangkay at lahat na yata ng gusto ko isigaw at sabihin nagawa kong ilabas. Nagawa ko silang ibulong sa dilim kung saan bituin ang nakikinig. Ngunit sa pag gising ng haring araw ng aking subukan isulat ang mga bulong tila para din silang gabi na nagtatago sa likod ng liwanag. Parang isang hangin na dumaan at di na bumalik. O parang isang agos na di na muling mauulit. Nawala lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

Di ko mabanggit nais iwika sa tuwing ikaw ay nandyan tila isa akong makahiya na nagtitiklop habang dumadampi ang hanging amihan. Di ko magawang sumulat sa tuwing ikaw ay nasa likod humuhuni na para ba akong bata na naghihintay na yakapin. Nauubusan ako ng ideya sa tuwing pumipikit aking mata dahil puro ikaw ang nasa aking paningin. 

Gusto ko sabihin lahat ng nasabi sa bituin noong ako ay bumubulong ngunit nauubos na ako. Natutunaw na ako. Pero sige, bago man tuluyan na ako ay maglaho, sige sasabihin ko na kahit pilit, kahit di sigurado, sige sasabihin ko na. Kahit na magmukha na akong gago, sige susubukan ko.

Sinulat ko to para sayo, para sa akin at para sa mundo. Sana mabasa o kahit mapagmasdan lang. Sinulat ko to para sayo. Para sayo na laging nagpapatigil ng oras ko. Para sayo na laging dinadala ako sa kakaibang mundo, para sa iyo ito. Naalala ko pa yung panahon na ikaw ay masaya. Panahon na hiniling ko na wag nang matapos pa ngunit gaya nga ng ilan may dulo din ang lahat. Di mo man pansin, tahimik man sa isang tabi. Umiiwas man ng ilang beses ngunit sa likod mo ako ay laging nagmamasid. Di ko man aminin ngunit lage kitang inaalala, makulit nga kung iisipin. Nakakairita na nga ako kung titignan pero inaalala kita, hindi man oras oras, hindi man araw araw pero inaalala kita sa bawat kilos ng kamay ng orasan. Sa malayo ako nakatingin pero bawat minuto sinusubok kong ikaw ay mapagmasdan. Kahit lage kang nawawala, naglalaho sa sarili mong mundo pinipilit ko parin na makahabol at mahanap ka sa mundong sana para sa atin dalawa. Marame pa akong nais sabihin, ibulong at isigaw pero tila di sapat to para makinig ka pa. Sige susubukan ko pa. Susubukan ko pang ituloy.

Sinulat ko to para sa akin, upang mawala ang sakit na pilit kinikimkim. Sinulat ko to para sayo at sa akin. Dahil minsan ko nang pinangarap na-- ay hindi minsan ko na pala itong hinangad na maging totoo ang lahat. Sinulat ko to para aminin na hinahanap hanap parin kita. Naghihintay ng tamang oras na mabago ang lahat. Mabago...

Para ito sa mundo dahil di ko na alam kung totoo pa ba ito o kathang isip na lamang. Para sa mundo kung saan naroon ang alaala. Para ito sa mundo upang madala ito ng hangin at sa susunod na pagkakataon lumipad ito kasabay ng mga batang naglalaro, na sana magbigay ng saya kahit naging dulot nito ay sakit. Para sa aking mundo na minsan naring naging mundo mo, sana sa pagpikit muli ng aking mga mata, sana makapag bulong pa ng aking wika.

Una sinubukan sabihin pero tila naupos, naubos, natuyo at natigang. Ngayon narito padin nag iisip ng susunod na linya. Para sana sayo ito.

[oyenlan]

Lie, Dolce and Tohubohu

Stupidity is a word that can be given to certain act of a person. This stupidity lies between the gaps of the two creation man and woman. This two were once united and being connected by one subject love. And because of this connection lies are been destroyed. Stupid act are being lessen. Everything seem so perfect right? But generation and society divide the two creation. Class are being set, race, religion, gender, living and a lot more and because of all of these shit the gap became a crack. A huge crack that separate everyone from love. This is a kind of bullshit that i want to share. Love are being dictated by money, color, skin and looks. Love became a perfect lie that destroy everything including the soul of ones being love vigorously. A great confusion to all that it was like a law that everyone must follow. Rich must fall to rich. Beauty must fall to beauty. Money can change the looks that can manipulate love. This law are being created by the world. Which makes me wander more. The words being told, the kisses that been shared are now lies? "i love you" are now a perfect disguised? Where is the truth about this? Where is love behind this?

[oyenlan]

SUNOD

Nag simula sa isang paper tube na pinabili dahil sa palabas na napanood at gusto lang gumawa ng laruan, balisang umuwi ang aking nanay dahil sa pera at gamit na nadukot sa kanya. Sumunod yung kapalpakan sa pagpapakain sa aso at dahil doon napagastos sila. Sumunod yung pagkawala ko sa gitna ng ilog ng mga tao, takot na takot sila na akala nila tuluyan na akong nawala. Sumunod yung na aksidente ako. Halos ikamatay ng nanay ko yung nang yare sa akin. Sumunod yung nasugatan ako dahil sa masyado pa akong nagmamadali mag mahal. Halos di ko na alam ano sasabihin sa kanila. Sumunod yung naglayas ako dahil sa maling desisyon. Galit at lungkot ang nararamdaman ko sa kanila ng mga panahon na yun. Sumunod, sumunod, sumunod, sumunod, sumunod, sumunod, sumunod hanggang sa lumobo yung hita ko na halos buhay ko nanaman ang nakataya. Dahil sa maling desisyon na magpahenna. Bakit ko naisipan? Dahil I want to be notice. Pero hindi eh, lumala pa yung sitwasyon.

Dumami ng dumami. Alam ko marami pa ang di ko nababanggit sa mga sumunod nay an pero ang punto ditto eh huli na, napag-iwanan na ako ng panahon. At kahit anong pilit man ang gawin ko para humabol andito na ako nasa huli, dulo. Kahit di nila sabihin, iparamdam at ipakita. Alam ko na ako ang pinaka mali sa lahat. Maling nandito, maling nabuhay at mali dahil sa pagkatao ko.

Sinusubukan ko humabol, bumawi, at ayusin ang maling nagawa ko kaso bawat kilos na ginagawa ko mas lalo lang lumalala, mas lalo lang lumalaki. Yung butas na tinatahi ko para maging maayos na ang lahat ay palaki lang ng palaki. Di natatapos. Di ko alam paano pa aayusin.

Nauubusan na ako ng paraan. Sabi ng isa kong kaibigan ang sarap daw ng buhay ko, nasa akin na lahat ng kailangan ko at dahil doon naiinggit siya. Pero sa likod non ay kakulangan, malaking kakulangan sa pagkatao ko. Di ko alam paano bubuoin ang mga bagay na nabasag, nasira at nawarat ko. Kahit siguro manood ako ng DIY sa youtube wala parin akong patutunguhan. Talo pa ako ng bunso kong kapatid, matalino siya, gwapo, maginoo, mabait halos lahat nasa kanya na. masaya ako at nagging kapatid ko siya. Habang ako isa akong malaking kapalpakan.

Paano ko pa ba aayusin lahat ng to? Kung sarili ko di ko na mapahalagahan.

Paano na ko?

  .

[oyenlan]

mezonette carol

io vagare il letto/ i wander the bed e mettere me in/ and put myself in questo mezzanotte carol/ this midnight carol è un meraviglioso a sentire/ is a wonderful to hear

un bene signora/ a fine lady un bello inaugurale/ a beautiful maiden è quello/ is the one che alleggerire mio giorno/ that ligthen my day

questo notte io guardare,/ this night i look, a il stella in il cielo/ to the star in the sky mentre ascolto/ while listening a un sogno che me me non volere a scia./ to a dream that me myself don’t want to wake.

prima io cadde/ before i fell a questo bello sogno/ to this beautiful dream il inaugurale sai/ the maiden said buonanotte mio meraviglioso principe/ goodnight my wonderful prince.

[oyenlan]

kht pilay dpt masarap padin ang pagkain hahaha cheesy fita dip and amercan barbeque with corazon bbq sauce #alltimefood #foodporn #cookbuddies (at Villa San Mateo Phase 1)

[oyenlan]

amor secreto tigre

do i believe that a tiger may hold a lion and let it be.

a channel that echoes within the roar, the roar that conquers everything on its path.

a secret to be shared to be listen and to be kept by the tiger with a heart.

the bravery of the tides that swams across the ocean shut the eyes of the beholder i said.

nor a tiger and either a lion may reach the peak but then amore will conquer all and shall someday bear a liger

thy i promise to hold to kept a word from thousand songs, while she echo before i go.

the voice of tiger that someday struck hundreds, thousands and millions but i only will know.

i am a lion and this will roar a thousand but only one tiger will bear.

by: Yen Art

[oyenlan]

Bloody Dropsy

i swim while enjoying the moment i tried not to think and just enjoy the torment even mentally i am drunk

the solution kept on swelling this isn’t what i want but i need to dwell to this and just rant

tell me why this dropsy turns to blood even though I’m bit tipsy and my body is like a flood

a fucking flood! shout on me God coz I’m shedding with blood oh please help me

I’m paralyzed can’t move can’t think I’m broken

[oyenlan]

Bloody Dropsy by: Yen Art

[oyenlan]

la cura per amore

a sound of a beat makes thousands of cheat, a pretentious hands with no one else to hold

it beg and it grasp, hoping for the next, hoping to trust, to love once more? care for love i replied

but then here you are fetching my hands grasping the moment just keep me warm and safe

i lost my humanity my soul and my body while leaning holding and loving this warm heart.

the warm heart you offer me I don’t even know when it start. all i know is.

nothing

no explanation

no answers

all i knew is i reach the end of my road and then here you are waiting for me at the end of the star.

[oyenlan]

la cura per amore

by: Yen Gonzales

a sound of a beat makes thousands of cheat, a pretentious hands with no one else to hold

it beg and it grasp, hoping for the next, hoping to trust, to love once more? care for love i replied

but then here you are fetching my hands grasping the moment just keep me warm and safe

i lost my humanity my soul and my body while leaning holding and loving this warm heart.

the warm heart you offer me I don’t even know when it start. all i know is.

nothing

no explanation

no answers

all i knew is i reach the end of my road and then here you are waiting for me at the end of the star.

[oyenlan]

Bloody Dropsy

i swim while enjoying the moment i tried not to think and just enjoy the torment even mentally i am drunk the solution kept on swelling this isn't what i want but i need to dwell to this and just rant tell me why this dropsy turns to blood even though I'm bit tipsy and my body is like a flood a fucking flood! shout on me God coz I'm shedding with blood oh please help me I'm paralyzed can't move can't think I'm broken

[oyenlan]

patak

one drop. i lose it.

[oyenlan]

sabi ko

sabi ko tiwala lang. sabi ko kaya ko. sabi ko di ako makakalimot. sabi ko pangako. ginawa ko ang lahat. pero. isang patak ng luha ang bumago ng lahat. isang maliit na patak ang nagpabago ng lahat. ni isa walang nakinig. ni isa walang nagtanong. lahat sila bumitaw sa akin. lahat sila lumisan na may galit sa akin na dahil sa luha ako ay kinamuhian. malungkot pero ano magagawa kung ang tingin nila sa akin manloloko. sana kasi tinanong nyo ang nilalaman ng kaluluwa bago ako hinusgahan. kaso huli na. dahil naglaho na ako ng tuluyan. at tanging langit o lupa na lamang tayo magkikita kita. sabi ko.... paalam