PAUL RAMIREZ

Left handed bandit. The devil in all black.

[pablodiabl0]

Sometimes

I’m just too sad to type the things that I wanna say and I’m just too tired to express myself

[pablodiabl0]

As my last act of love I've gotta set you free

I'm not the one you want

It isn't meant to be

And though I've gotta live without ya

I'll love you from afar

So I know you know I meant it

When I said I love you more

[pablodiabl0]

And I’ll hold you by a thread

Cause that thread runs straight through my heart

and it always will

[pablodiabl0]

There was a time

Not even too long ago

When shit was so much better

And sooo much different.

And it seems like ages.

How did it move so fast?! 

Is it something that happens with age? Cause if this is what I have to look forward too, I’m good on it.

I heard when things are going well, slow down

And when things are going terrible, slow down

And all I want, is for everything to slow down…

Please

[pablodiabl0]

Nobody reads this anyway

But Jesus Christ do I miss our old life;

It was so much fun

And every now and then we get a taste of the old times and you remind me how much you loved it too

And that’s honestly all I need to know

That I’m not crazy

It was soooo much fun.

Fuck

[pablodiabl0]

For you, but really for me

I wish so badly that we could talk again without you being angry. It sucks that the time away wasnt time spent missing me, but time spent forgetting me. 

I still have dreams where you tell me that this all wasnt real and we get back to our regular lives. I miss the mornings where I’d wake up to you cooking and cutting fruit. I miss you coming home and doing yoga while I cooked. I miss walking the dogs together and you begging me to eat somewhere that I didnt really want to go. 

I miss planning our next trip. I miss West Texas and your family. I miss begging you to get out of bed when you were too depressed.

I miss hugging you in the kitchen while you did the dishes, and making up stupid love songs about us. 

I’m sorry that we strayed apart. I’m sorry we grew in separate directions but if I’ve learned anything about being away from you is that I was living the best life I knew and I somehow fucked that up. I feel like I’m going crazy. How can I get my life back. I wouldnt want that with anybody else. 

I’m trying to be stronger, and self-sufficient, and focus on loving myself, but there’s this huge fucking hole in my chest that you used to fill up for me. What kills me most is that I can be as honest as possible with you but the wall you built overnight is so fucking high and tall that you wont let me see into it. 

I really hate you for that. I thought we were tighter than that. I’m struggling to keep it together but I will. 

[everybody-wants-me-dead]

[pablodiabl0]

I hope you look back and it makes you sick to your stomach

[pablodiabl0]

Fell asleep on our couch

Thinking about you again

Missin u as a lover

Happy you are just my friend

[pablodiabl0]

Thanks

For the sorry

It meant more than you think

I don’t want

Any more than you think

But when u cried those apologies

It really helped

So I am thankful for that

[pablodiabl0]

Your eyes would burn from the onions and garlic

But you would say “that’s how I know dinner’s going to be good”

All I wanted to do was feed you

My heart was in that bowl

And I loved the way you smiled when you ate it

I miss that

I hope you’re getting fed now

[pablodiabl0]

I memorized your

Body, exposed

I can fuck you all night long

From my memory, alone

[pablodiabl0]

You talk about me like I’m a piece of shit but I think it’s cause you know I’ve never been that, and never will be and you’re realizing it might actually be you

[pablodiabl0]

When my ears itch, I like to think it’s you talking about me.

Or maybe it’s the last girl that said she missed me

I’m hearing all the right things from all the wrong people

Won’t you give me a sign of life to ease my mind

[pablodiabl0]

I wish you liked leaving voicemails so I can still hear you when I miss you as badly as I do now

[pablodiabl0]

Isnt it strange

That I am still me and you are still you still stuck in this place  and yet so much has changed and isnt it strange how people can go from strangers to friends friends into lovers and strangers again and isnt it strange that you can think you’ve got it all figured out but somehow end up lost beyond doubt and it’s such a pain that you can think you’re doing it all right and somehow still wind up alone at the end of the night.

[resintear]

Non ho smesso di pensarti, vorrei tanto dirtelo. Vorrei scriverti che mi piacerebbe tornare, che mi manchi e che ti penso. Ma non ti cerco. Non ti scrivo neppure ciao. Non so come stai. E mi manca saperlo. Hai progetti? Hai sorriso oggi? Cos’hai sognato? Esci? Dove vai? Hai dei sogni? Hai mangiato? Mi piacerebbe riuscire a cercarti. Ma non ne ho la forza. E neanche tu ne hai. Ed allora restiamo ad aspettarci invano. E pensiamoci. E ricordami. E ricordati che ti penso, che non lo sai ma ti vivo ogni giorno, che scrivo di te. E ricordati che cercare e pensare son due cose diverse. Ed io ti penso ma non ti cerco.

Charles Bukowski, Non ho smesso di pensarti