[pacificallrisk]

"You will never know love."

- Alicia

[pacificallrisk]

I'll be in Dallas in a couple of weeks and i'm going to see her. It'll be six months since we last saw each other. How will she react? Or rather, how indifferent will she be? I still have feelings for her. Can i keep it together?

Would indifferent be a blessing? Considering how angry she was when we left it. Either way, honestly, i'll never be ready to see her again. If I crash out afterward, it's inevitable. I'm drawn to her life a moth to a flame. There's nothing I can do about it.

[hekacute-deactivated20141230]

I wish everything was quieter and softer and less often. 

[pacificallrisk]

Didn't ask her out. Didn't speak to her. We made eye contact a few times but she looked through me. That says everything. I wonder what it's like to be noticed by women. It must be nice not to be invisible.

Of course, if I did ask her out she would've been disgusted and repulsed. But that's my punishment for existing. Right, Alicia?

[pacificallrisk]

I interacted with a woman today so attractive I immediately felt like shit for being someone she could never like back. I'll see her again next week if she's there again. I'll ask for her number and get rejected. Hopefully she won't resent me, but i'm sure she will.

[pacificallrisk]

It's been three months since i've seen her. I may be moving back. My priorities changed regarding work and i have better prospects in Dallas. While that is one motive, seeing her again is another. When we last spoke she was upset with me. I wonder if she still is. I wonder if i'd be calm enough to ask the questions i was too scared of before. I've regretted moving here every day since I left. I can't stop loving her. My life feels empty without her.

[pacificallrisk]

Just met the first girl since I moved here that I wanted to ask out. But I couldn't do it. I made small talk the best I could. Didn't try to flirt or anything. Just tried having a nice conversation. But when it came to asking for her number - i couldn't. It's not meant for me, you know? Dating. Girlfriends. It's not meant for me.

[pacificallrisk]

Tonight is one month since I last saw her. I have nothing to say. I just miss her.

[pacificallrisk]

Tonight will be three weeks since I've seen her. Three weeks to the rest of my life. Truthfully, it still hasn't sunk in. I didn't want to leave. I had to. But I didn't want to. She still doesn't know. Telling her honestly seems pointless. She wouldn't reply anyway. She isn't going to say goodbye. If I ask for answers again she won't give them. She'll say nothing because I am nothing.

But god I miss her.

[seaymph]

“There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven’t had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away.”

— Robert Goolrick  (via paper-fairy)

[pacificallrisk]

She isn't here. It's sinking in that I have seen her for the last time and my last image is her abruplty walking away. My heart is breaking all over again. I assume she's with him. Which isn't a pleasant thought. I'll text her goodbye tomorrow. What am I going to say? I don't know. I know she won't respond. But I hope she does.

[pacificallrisk]

I didn't just tell her I know she's seeing someone. I also told her how it hurts she treats me like nothing. True, that's pathetic. But it's honest. It hurts to be treated like nothing. Everyone can attest to that. But you know what her response was? Word for word? You chose to get involved.

No apology. No remorse. No self reflection. No accountability. I didn't choose this though. I didn't choose to be lied to. That was her choice.

[pacificallrisk]

I wish I could tell her how she hurt me. I can write it, but I can't vocalize it. I know she's not capable of listening and understanding. But i still feel the need to say it. For me.

[pacificallrisk]

I tried talking to her tonight. I know it's against her wishes, but my time is limited. I'm moving to South Carolina in one week. I will never see her again after next weekend. I want to tell her goodbye. But I also want answers she will never give me. And tonight I was torn between the two. So after we exchanged pleasantries she simply walked away. But that's one thing that does irritate me. Why is she upset? I honestly don't believe she has any right to be. She lied. I caught her. She's angry at how I caught her.

I just want to talk. I want clarity. Maybe next week she will let me speak my peace. I deserve that much.

[pacificallrisk]

I wish I deserved better than her lies.

I wish I deserved better than Alicia's lies.

I'm trying to remind myself it's not my fault she lied. That was her choice and is her responsibility. As much as she needs to blame me for it, it's not my fault. But honestly my resistance is slipping. I think i'm going to end up blaming myself just like with Alicia. I mean, I knew better than to be in her life. I knew better to exist. I only deserve the worst of people. So how they treat me must be my fault. Right?

[pacificallrisk]

I know she needs to blame me for everything. It's her defense mechanism. She can't allow herself to feel vulnerable. But it's not my fault she lied. I want to tell her it's her responsibility. She won't listen. She will just get more upset. But i'm tired of taking blame for things that aren't my fault. I did that enough with Alicia.

[pacificallrisk]

It's really convenient for her, isn't it? Ignore how she treated me, zero in on my wrongdoing (shifting blame), then shut off communication. Therefore she's innocent and i'm guilty. But the heart of the matter is she lied from the first night we met. My pursuit of her was based off that lie. The feelings I developed was based off that lie. It's the core issue. But I know explaining this to her would be in vain. She's unable to admit her fault. She's unwilling to listen.