Stuff and Nonsense @pagesbyalodia - Tumblr Blog

Hey again! I finally found time for the promised "catch up." :)

Revvin' My Cj7 (Juniper Version) by Summer Salt is currently playing - I may or may not have cheated my playlist to play this five times the last hour. If you're wondering I am currently on vacation - my first ever actual vacation. I often think about what "vacation" means and at the back of my mind I would always think about it as a retreat. Generally, people use it when they go out of town, get a day off from work on a work day, things like that; and though I use it a lot to mean that way, I feel like I've never actually had one - a proper vacation. So I decided weeks ago that I need one for my birthday. It's long overdue. I mentioned the song Revvin' My Cj7 because I kind of resonated so much:

No, this is not another rant about work but more like an appreciation because without my work I wouldn't have reached this far - physically, mentally, and all the aspects of life I could think of.

This is me now. Taken on December 14, 2022 - my first time at my company's HQ.

WILTING

August 20, 2021 I moved to the US. I have been lucky and blessed enough to have been approved with a US work visa in the middle of a pandemic. My bosses were kind enough to push for everything just to get me here and I am extremely grateful beyond words that sometimes just thinking about it (like now) makes me tear.

Moving was harder than I expected. I thought it was just a simple set of tasks - pack, fly, unpack, adjust. But I was wrong. The first few months was easy-peasy. To be honest, I was doubting; how it's all too good to be true. It was sketchy but understandable because everyone at home is so accessible through the digital world. I was 24/7 on video call with my boyfriend and my family. (Yes, I have a BF now finally! Idk why it's so cringey to say that but back to the topic lol). It didn't feel much like I'm thousands of miles away until I started getting tired of it. That's the hard part about it - realizing I crave physical connection with people I was so used to seeing, hugging, bugging, and everything else.

Three months in I started feeling isolated from my world. My world then was still in Mandaluyong. I would wake up at 12 noon and bug my mom while she's on a Zoom meeting. I would pull my sisters out for a coffee run or late night midnight snacks at McDonalds. I would look forward to and get excited for the next weekend that we get to go home to Lucena (our province) to spend time with my aunts and cousins. I started looking for something similar to look forward to. That's when I decided to fly my mom out here to the US for the holidays. Fortunately she got her US tourist visa a year prior in anticipation of my travel.

FALLING AND ROOTING

December 2021 my mom finally flew from the Philippines to the US. That's first time in four months I see her again and got to hug her. It was the longest time I haven't seen her my entire life. I ran towards her with her eyes forming crystal-like small tears. I still have this moment engraved in my core memory.

Our schedule was super hectic. She's staying for three weeks and wanted to tour as much as she can. Her second week we flew to NYC and then the following week to LA. These were the two priority cities she wanted to visit - partly because her best friends live there. I was very happy to be with her but deep down I was so worried about the day she flies back. I am still navigating this foreign place I'm in and I can't help but show how intimidated and lonely I was. I was so good at concealing it that she labeled me as "matured" after spending 24/7 for a week with me. I didn't take it as a compliment, to be honest, as it only showed how much this new place I'm in is consuming me. The change in me was revealing itself and I didn't want it. I and probably the rest of my world got used to me being Little Miss Sunshine - always laughing, smiling, a little funny, and fun to be with. I knew that I was already losing myself and being with my mom didn't really remediate it like I thought it would. It was still a surreal trip though. We have been dreaming it since I was in my elementary days and finally seeing it come to life slowly was something unbelievably amazing. Plant a seed in your head - that's what my mom always tells me. Little did I know it was just her teaching me how to manifest.

The best part of our trip was that hour we spent crossing Brooklyn Bridge in New York. To this day, I still remember and relive the feeling. Surprising enough, my mom told me, it was hers too. That's what made everything so worth it. It motivated me to fight harder so I could pull everyone in my then-world to move their worlds here.

The mom's last day in the US came by quickly and it haunted me. As expected, I was all in tears. I thought expecting it would make it less harder but, again, I was wrong. It was still harder than I expected. It felt like my heart broke to pieces - it felt like my very first heart break from one of my exes who ended it with me way too early when I just fell in love with him.

RISING

Weeks and months went by and I revived my motivation to fight harder. I did -- but top it off with emotional and mental distress from my ugly apartment situation (back then, but it's way better now) to the point I had to get professional help.

Fast forward October 2022 at Kansas City with me visiting my cousins. I was trying to recover from a really hard year of trying to adjust to this new life. I sought professional help mainly to address my concerns about my current living situation. I really hate confrontations so I would always just be passive (or maybe sometimes a bit passive aggressive which I hate so much to admit) about things which I know is wrong too but I'm still learning. I had two therapists - one actual professional therapist and the other was my mom. My mom told me I may have contributed myself to why I'm feeling that way back. I may be focusing too much or finding faults on others that I end up disappointed about so many things. I hated how she was right and I only realized it after I spoke to my actual therapist. She didn't really point out anything but she validated how I felt. I felt so heard that it was deafening to hear. I realized that we all have our differences and that's something I overlooked. We may not be compatible at some things but there could still be things we could be compatible with that it can outweigh our incompatibilities. I was too focused on making my new home feel like the same home I used to live in and expected people to be the same as the people I used to live in. And that realization hit me. It was an instant change of mindset. But of course it was still subjective. All I had to do was to reassess my current living situation - weigh the pros and cons, and change a part of my mindset about it. Let's try another year I said and it could be worth it. Hopefully.

There's definitely a lot of ups and downs and looking back at it now I wouldn't change a thing. I needed it to be who I am today.

BLOOMING

October 2022 was a really big month for me. After spending a week with my cousins in Kansas City, I got home to a text from my car dealer letting me know I can finally pick up my first car! This was my major game changer. It was like unlocking a whole new world of freedom for me. The same month I got offered a position at a big banking company in the US and I accepted it. I started with them immediately after all the visa paperworks. It's as if I am being showered with so much graces from above.

It's February 12, 2023 now - two days before my birthday. I am on an actual vacation. Alone in the mountains overlooking Asheville, North Carolina. I was stressing about this vacation for a week because as much as I wanted to bring my friends with me here, I chose not to. My inner self insisted I needed time alone. I needed a retreat, a proper vacation. I wish I had my family here though, they would have loved it here. But yes, I finally am on an proper vacation. I should end it here for now - my raw NY sirloin steak is waiting for me to cook it and celebrate me. I sometimes allow myself to feel conceited by only me - I'm a fan of me and I am proud of me. Try it, it's healthy but don't overdo it! :-)

Talk again later. <3

Pray for my safety in the woods. Lol joke

HEY BLOG!

Just out here circling back as I insist on keeping this blog open. Lol! It's so liberating how I go back to my old self through this from, latest one, a year ago! It reminds me of how far I've reached in life and the huge changes I went through!

First of I am now 28! My first blog (not this site) was back when I was what? 18? And it's been 10 years! I know I haven't been very active but hey at least I had at least one check back last year? I mean, that's not so bad? Right?

Well, blogging is no longer a thing now but I feel like I'm still way comfortable with it compared to the now i.e. TikTok, Vlogs, IG stories although I am heavily using IG stories.

Anyway just out here catching up, I have more time now compared to where I was the last three years? Where am I, you ask... working. As boring as it may seem (it's not) I feel like have literally worked my ass off that I forgot to have a life. Now that I am at a state where I was able to establish boundaries to myself with work (while sometimes still forgetting it) I would say that right now it's waaaaaaay better.

Where I am now, specifically? I will post on my next! Of course it has to have pics but I have just an hour right now and I really wanted to post now and writing something *with much effort* will take more than that. So happy to be back I should do this more often (like how I always tell myself but I do! it's just that they are all privately kept away) - not even sure if anyone else is reading this other than me but I don't care. It keeps me grounded and it's instant self check when I feel like my life isn't going anywhere.

See ya!

Questions to Ask Yourself for the New Year

I wrote this on my notes on Jan 1st 2021 at 4:17PM PHT and thought it would be nice to share it here as well. Hope you learn a thing or two. :)

1. What are you currently holding on to that's no longer serving you? Why are you still holding on? What's one small step you can take towards letting go?

- to be honest, I can't think of any. I feel the most light this year as I let go of the attachments I had that just doesn't make sense being in my life. I realized that it's better to rely on myself alone for my own happiness; and it's the most amazing thing that I did for myself.

2. What was your biggest heartbreak in 2020? What did it teach you?

- at work, I lead a team in offshore and there's this senior team member who disrespected me and attacked me personally. I tried to escalate it but I was told to keep it because the person might be going through something... which I did but it haunted me. In the middle of a pandemic, I'm dealing with that experience on my own and it gave me meltdowns. I did get through it somehow but I learned that I could have handled it differently. At work, you must be professional. You can't mix professional and personal. This taught me to be mindful about things at work and you can always get help from other people. Try to stay rational and be more present. Nothing's wrong with understanding people as long as you are not sacrificing your mental health or your inner peace.

3. Set a goal for 2021 that excites you. Set a goal that scares you.

- a goal that excites me and scares me would be moving to another country - who knows, maybe for a few years only or for good. This has been pending for some time now but I feel that I'm ready now. This pandemic has prepared me for it. Along with this goal comes two more - one would be to get out of my comfort zone (skill-wise or at work) and the other one to be ready for a new love.

4. What did you accomplish this year you weren't sure you could? Big or small. Take a moment to soak that in.

- HEAL. Took me five years so this is a pretty big one. Heal - not just from my past relationship but also from a self-inflicted painful situation I've put myself into - without setting my world on fire. Will go back to this year and recall that this was the year I got myself inner peace. And I will thank myself for it, constantly.

5. Who in your life made 2020 a better year for you? Let them know.

- My mom and my sisters. I never thought that I could still discover new things about them. I'm glad to have known them better and spent quality time with them this year.

6. What or who have you outgrown this year? What are you growing into?

- I think it would have to be a part of the old me who is very serious and emotional about how people treat me. I have grown into a kind of person who doesn't assume things based on other people's action towards me. I have become more chill and even more understanding. I keep in mind that there are things about other people (from which the info aren't available to me all the time) that I don't know or expect to be knowing.

7. Who came into your life this year that you're grateful to have met? Let them know.

- My crush, P. HAHA! He gave me so much excitement via little things online and I was happy to feel kilig again. Although he seems to be the kind who just likes to play around, I know it's just a phase and someday he will meet someone whom he'll be serious about. TY for the thrill this 2020! <3

8. What's an important boundary you'd like to set going into 2021? With others? With yourself?

- I will set a boundary with myself about how much I will be working day-to-day. I will no longer work until 3:00AM. With others, I won't let anyone abuse me anymore. (by me I mean my kindness/ forgiving/ sacrificial self LOL)

9. What can you thank yourself for this year?

- THANK YOU for doing your inner workings just to achieve your current being, mindset, and individuality. There's still so much work to do in 2021 - dealing with loneliness that came with eliminating the unhealthy attachments but I wouldn't be here without the work your did for yourself this year. Go out there and meet your soulmate for the right reasons. Stay whole. <3

What are you fighting for?

None at the moment! Loooooool

Hi Alo Good day. Have you been inlove or had crushes with the same gender? Just wondering :p - anonymously anonymous fan

I've never been in love but I have a ton of girl crushes! Happy pride month! :)

was there a time you actually thought "he's the one"?

I did at first. But he turned out to be someone else I barely knew. :)

my love

thank you for helping me realize my worth

thank you for becoming a model of what right is

thank you for loving me back even though you have held back so much

thank you for making me feel safe

thank you for lifting up my spirits every time i feel like my world’s about to end

thank you for your presence

thank you for your patience

thank you for your trust

thank you for being my escape from this lonely world

thank you for the happy and bad memories

thank you for you

as i always say

you helped me realize what i really want

what the right one looks like

what real love feels like

what healthy should be

and what genuine happiness is

i will love you from a far as i always do

but for now, good bye

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

21 NOV 2020

Did not know I will ever be but I am happy and whole on my own

Growing up without a father to protect me left me two things: (1) that I will need to have someone fill in for him, and (2) that I cannot be happy and whole without the void my dad left me filled in. So my entire teen life I thought that I have to have someone (a partner) who I will have to depend on for my happiness, motivation, and security. Although I did feel these things mostly on the early parts of my past relationships, I always feel so pressured and suffocated by this idea that I have to feel it all the time for me to stay - in spite of all the red flags. It was only in the last four years not being in a ship that I realized that I had to be whole first. It’s a mandatory prerequisite before jumping in and sailing. If you ask me now, you will get a million words out of me about how whole and happy, not just happy but ecstatic, I am right now.

How did I get to this state?

TBH, it’s not at all simple. I had to HEAL from my past relationship as it has done so much damage on my perception of things. I had to reset and the process was a rollercoaster ride. There are nights I sob myself to sleep and mornings at my office’s parking lot tearing up without a reason. Well, there’s actually a reason... but until now it’s not all clear to me. I just let myself be and feel what I had to feel and do what I had to do. I did not supress myself from anything the entire time; that’s how I had to cope. But one thing that helped me the most was my vision board. I always thought that vision boards are dedicated only for your goals and dreams - concrete ones. But one night I was so desperate, I wrote “it is going to get better” and stuck it on the very center of my board. Every single morning for more than a year I wake up, stare at my board and read these six words to myself and believed it. Literally there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The universe will really conspire to help you achieve something you need to.

When and how did I realize I finally achieved it?

Achieved what? The feeling of being whole? of genuine happiness? of self-love and security? Well I just woke up one day feeling I got all that I need to be happy. I learned that happiness isn’t really a destination or an achievement. But it is something you experience along the way towards wherever you want life to take you. I realized you have to depend on yourself to feel whole and happy.

So, what’s next?

This doesn’t mean though that my door’s closed. It’s wide open actually. Dating here and there but haven’t really met anyone who stuck by to accept that I have other priorities and I don’t like being pressured or tied to a leash. It gets frustrating at times especially when someone always comes and brings up how single and alone I am. I just laugh it up but I secretly show them how happy I am to the point that they sus me if I really am single or maybe I’m secretly dating. Either way, I try my best to be patient. I know someone’s out there for me. He’s just taking time so he’d be whole and happy when we meet and when we do we’ll complement each other and we’ll have the happiest and healthiest relationship ever.

Ending this now as I have overused the word “happy.” That’s how h*ppy I am. I hope this helps especially if you are going through anything similar yourself. It is going to get better. :)

quotemadness

Tonight I feel the stars are out to use me for target practice.

Yusef Komunyakaa (via quotemadness)

Reviving this blog for my mental health’s sake. :-)

I have started reading Julie Zhou’s The Making of A Manager and part of her intro was talking about how she started a blog years ago because she thought that sitting down every week to sort out her thoughts would help her make sense of them. So I thought I should do it too. I used to do them just because... but I never really realized how it helped me out somehow get through a portion of my life before.

To be honest, these days I’m always so anxious about so many things. How do I keep things at work under control? How do I transition myself to a better day-to-day routine? Am I making sense? Is what I’m doing right? How do I know it’s right? All these thoughts going in and out of my mind all week making every small thing seem so complicated that I just don’t want to do anything. It’s all frustrating. So what I wanted to achieve with writing here again is to just basically have an outlet to clear up my mind.

I used to be insecure about writing and posting it here because I’m scared that people may judge me with the way I write and that only journalists or people with perfect grammar have the right to have blogs. But I realized that I own this space. This is my safe space. And there are no rules here.

I don’t really have anything in particular that I want to write about so I might just blabber about my week or if there’s any major event or maybe talk about how I feel or anything under the sun, really. But at least for this week, I’ll talk about myself (it’s what I’m really good at. LOL). Ok, so just to keep up - I’m working as an Application Developer for a big company. My job is to find bugs on other people’s codes. And sometimes do automations to make life easy and convenient. Slowly transitioning to a management role but I still like technical things so I just do the management stuff on top of my technical work. I‘m not in a relationship as of the moment but I have internet boyfriends. Right now, it’s Justin Min. I have many friends (my mom and sisters included) that I really like and I’ll probably talk about how much I like them here. I loooove Indie music. I like reading astrology things ~ I’m an Aquarian. I watch too much Korean Drama and eat to much Korean food. I do creative stuff for a shop my sisters and I put up. Honestly, just like everyone else - I’m made up of so many things. So let’s just end it here.

I’m a really busy person. I don’t like being pressured. But I wish I can find time every week to really write. I really want to! There are just days or season when I just don’t feel like doing anything. I hope when that time comes, I’ll still be able to pull myself up and take control. I’ll try as much as possible to write good things as I want this space to be safe for the readers too (if someone ends up here by chance). Wish me luck!

Almost Done Fighting

as embarrassing as it may seem… there will come a time when i will have to question myself - what are you exactly fighting for? and there i go silenced thinking… what? i know i am fighting for something but deep inside i know that there is nothing to fight for. not winning, not losing, just wasting. in my defense, i only probably want to go through the path i know the ending is what it should be - for sure. having something you want (and you think you need) but can’t is hard. as cliche as it may sound. there will always be that urge to fight for it although you should not but you still do just to satisfy that urge. it’s tough. i know i should be controlling myself but when things are just too hard, i’m left with no choice. well, at least, to keep going. this is my easy way. what i know and i’m sure of because i went that path before. it’s pretty familiar. although it’s for a totally different reason and a totally clueless self. but the reason why i’m writing this is because i want to keep track of where i am exactly. to answer that… think about a train with operation hours. i’m probably on the last train to operate late night. it could be a long while, could be short, could run into rail issues and get stuck for a while and i would have to walk and find another commute. but the thing is, it’s late. i’m tired. i just want to go home. i already want to start again. badly. but i’m on my way home. that’s the important thing i’m keeping in mind. and when i get home, i will take a long hot shower, read my favourite book, listen to florencegiven’s floss dreamy bops playlist, and have a good cry as tomorrow will be a good day. it’s a promise the universe made. that tomorrow, the sun will shine and i will start again.

Withdraw

im not ready yet. and i dont think i will ever be ready. i just know by heart that if anything happens, ill try to make it work. ill try to adjust. ill try to make do with what ive left.

im always like this. ive never totally withdrawn myself from anything that i want or i have my whole life. even if i know that it is unhealthy or it's crushing me, i don't care. because i never want to make any decision that i know i might regret over time. that's why when it comes to "withdrawing" i always let some other universal sensation beyond my control do it. no matter how long it is. no matter how painful it is for me to stay. because at least i know in my heart that ive stayed as much as i can and as much as i need/want to. and i know that ive fought so hard.

if there's just something i want to change in myself overnight- it is to not be scared of change. some friends are curious as to why there are times i look so depressed or as if i cried myself to sleep. well, this is why some nights i really do pour. this year has been a year of change that i dont really understand why it's happening. although i know that it is a step to a happier tomorrow that im just not that ready yet. but watching things fall apart before my eyes is just too unbearable.

i just hope that if something is going to change big time or if something is going to happen, it wont be too abrupt. i hope that if it would be too abrupt i hope that deep in my heart i know ive prepared for the worst. i hope that i find it in my heart to accept things and get on with my life. i hope that i will understand right away. and i hope that if it does happen, i will see the sun shine again. and i will be legit happy.

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