[painovermind]

I saw you this weekend and you looked amazing. Your friend just broke up with his girlfriend and needed advice. I kept telling him that it was like when you and I broke up, it took me months and months to be okay with it. And he pointed out that I kept using the words “okay with it” instead of me taking months and and months to get over you.

Although he’s your best friend, a guy that’s like your brother, I had to admit, I’m not over you, and part of me is not okay with it. But you’re happy with your life. You’re creating an amazing film that I got to be part of. I got to see all the behind the scene stuff and honestly, I learned to appreciate your work and to appreciate all the film makers in the world. You’re still on my mind, all. the.time.

[painovermind]

I am at that part in my life where I need to just let go. Ever since I moved to LA, I have a new perspective in life. But, everything I did still reminded me of you. I have came to the realization that in this very moment in time, there can and won’t be an us. In the future possibly, but right now, there won’t be anything. It also came to my attention that, I won’t be dating for a while. I need to find myself. They say, once you break up with that one person that will forever have your heart, it’s hard to get back into dating. 

You were my inspiration. You brought out the best in me. You brought something out of me that I never knew I had. I see you going out there, being successful and honestly, I’m so incredibly happy for you. You inspire me to push harder when you don’t even know it. Your picture is still on my wall, your letter is still in my box, and your watch is still on my wrist. I’m in a new chapter of my life, and I’m going to dream big and push for the stars. You’re still my one. And to this day, I am still deeply in love with you. But there is no Nicole and Michelle. But there is a Nicole and Michelle taking over the world. You taking over in your film aspects and standing for what you believe in. And I’m going to take over the business and Kinesiology world. You’re my inspiration, and you always will be. 

[painovermind]

I’m only 20 miles away from you. My desk is facing the window, I’m looking up into the sky, thinking about you, hoping you’re looking up too, thinking about me. I want to ask you to go to Lunch or Dinner. I want to talk to you because I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone. But this is the pain I need to go through. This. Is. Bad. Timing. This is your senior year which means you’re graduating and will soon move again for graduate school in SF, while I’ll be here in LA finishing my Bachelors. I just want to text you “I love you. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped thinking about you.”  December 15 will always replay in my head, seeing the message “Babe, we need to talk about us” still flashes before my eyes. With people, I do everything I can to make them smile, bring out the positivity in them and in myself, but once in a while, I catch myself thinking about you. 

I usually would be with another girl by now, but I’m not, and I can’t. I was at a party yesterday, met a girl that was super touchy, everyone thought something was going to happen. But I couldn’t let myself do that, I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t interested. I looked at her, and the first thing that popped into my mind was you. Wondering if this has ever happened to you at parties, because when you go out, God you’re so beautiful. My heart is still with you, even if you don’t know it. 

[painovermind]

August 19

Exactly one year ago today, you moved down to Long Beach and that’s when everything began to change. I still think of you each and every day, wondering how you’re doing, if you’re ever happy or sad. If you’re deep in your thoughts again because when you had those, I made sure to hug you extra tight and give you kisses on your forehead. You were and still is my everything. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s been one year since you moved, and I can’t stop replying on how things would have been if I was able to transfer that year, if I came to visit more. Would we still be together? I just miss you and I still love you, but as of right now, I know we can’t be together and I don’t know if we ever will be able to. I just wish I can look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. You’re beautiful. You’re stunning. You’re my better half.

[painovermind]

What can I really say, I’m still in love with you to this very day. But I can’t tell you, I don’t wanna ruin this friendship that we have. Jealousy hit me when there’s other girls on your snaps, but you’re not mine anymore. I’ve been missing you a lot more lately, I’m moving in 2 weeks, do I hit you up or do I not?

[painovermind]

It’s incredible how much I still think of you. I’ve been texting different girls, they make me smile in many different ways, but when I think about you and a memory of us, it makes me smile and makes my heart drop so much more than these girls. One minute I feel as if I’m connecting with one, something about you comes up and I just stop. This isn’t what you want me to do, you want me to be happy, but little do you know, you’re always the reason for my happiness, my down days, I think of your smile. When I’m stressed, I think of your soft touch to calm me. When I can’t sleep, I think about the times you kept kissing me on the forehead thinking I’m asleep when I feel every single of those soft kisses you give me.  I miss waking up to your snores, then I hug you a little tighter because your snores are so damn adorable. I miss that smile you give me when you wake up as you squeeze me harder. I miss the way you shake your butt waiting for me to hug you from behind. It’s just something about you that I can’t let go of. I need to let go. But I can’t. I never been this head over heels for a girl. It’s been 7 months. I miss your sweet, heartwarming smile. I’m still always here for you. I will always ALWAYS do anything I can to protect you. 

[painovermind]

Watching everything about the travel bans just makes my damn heart drop. You always came to me to talk about Trump and him banning immigrants. You told me to not message you when you’re back home because it brings back memories and you wanna leave your personal life aside. But it’s killing me not being able to message you because I know you’re reading about travel bans and it’s probably hurting you. We always talked about what we would do if you weren’t able to come back. We always talked about what we would do if you finish school and can’t find a proper job. Which means you would have to go back home.. And it kills me to even think that you won’t be here. I just want to be there for you. I just want to hug you tight in my arms and tell you that things will eventually be okay. But I can’t do that. I’m trying my best to be just that friend for you. Things might not be okay right now, but it will.. I’ll never let anything happen to you.

[painovermind]

I am still in love with you. You are my one.

It’s been about 7 months since we broke up, but yet you’re the only one on my mind everyday. No matter how much my friends try to set me up with someone, no matter how much fun I’ll have, my mind still wanders and wonder how you’re doing. If you still think of me because you’re all I think of now. I use you as motivation in life. I am still in love with you. I still believe in us. I’m still going to fight for us. Hear it here first, you’re my number one and I will keep trying until there’s absolutely no chance for us. You are my one. 

[painovermind]

We had a talk last night. During the whole conversation all I wanted to tell you how much I still loved you but I just couldn’t. I messaged you to make sure you and I were okay. It was nice to reassure you and tell you that I always have your back and will always support you. But it felt even better than you’ve been silently supporting me because currently you don’t want any time of romantic relationship and I respect that. I respect what you want for sure your future. The hardest part of this is that I can’t tell you about my feelings. That I still think you’re the one. That I am in love with you still and you’re constantly on my mind. I will tell you eventually. Not today. Not tomorrow but when the time is right. 6 and a half months since our break up and I still feel the same for you.

[painovermind]

It’s embarrassing to think or say this.. But even after 6 months, I’m still in love with you. I’ve tried dating other girls, but you were constantly on my mind. You’re different from all the girls I’ve dated. I tell myself that there are other girls in the world for me. But none of them can be as perfect as you. I’m still in love with you and there hasn’t been a day where I don't think about you. It’s just killing me.

[painovermind]

We broke up December 15, 2016. I usually get over breaks up fast and move on with my life. If I’m being honest, by now I would flirt with girls, go out and have fun with other girls. But, I can’t find a heart to do that. It’s not them they want, it’s you. Its been almost a month and a half, and I am not over you. I don’t want to go out and find someone else. I want to go out and be with you. People might think this is some bullshit that everyone says. Between most of my relationships are a few weeks apart. I have not fully been single since Sophomore year. I’m don’t want to date other girls. I don’t want to be with any other girls. It’s you that I want to be with. It’s you that I think about every freaken second of the day. I get good news or bad news at school. I get stressed, happy, sad, excited, overwhelmed, you’re the one on my mind. But, I can’t tell you any of this, we are trying our best to be friends right now. I rather have you as a friend than nothing at all. Today is January 24, 2017. It was suppose to be our one year anniversary. One year ago, I planned a day in Palo Alto, we explored the Stanford campus together, and we were happy. I was scared shitless all day long, my heart was pumping out of my chest and just seeing your smile was so breathtaking. You were my perfect girl. You were there with the good or bad and you never left. Today has been one of the hardest days.. I miss you and I still love you. I haven’t lost any feelings and I don’t want to. I still see a “us” in the future. I miss your smile, your touch, your kiss, your hugs, I truly miss you.