Palpitone

[palpitone]

bakar petanya

mercusuar yang dulu menjadi tempat engkau berteduh kini sudah berhenti berfungsi sebagaimana rumah yang layak (walaupun memang mercusuar bukanlah rumah tetapi engkau yang dulu tinggal di naungannya bukan?)

sebelum engkau pergi kau ingat bahwa ia sering menerangi kegelapan malam agar kau tidak merasa sendiri (namun kau bercerita padaku bahwa pintunya yang berkarat kerap menahanmu di dalamnya sampai kau sulit bernafas.)

(itu semua dari mulutmu dan aku tidak pernah sekalipun berpikir bahwa kau adalah seorang pendusta karena kau nahkodaku.) aku percayakan rute pelayaran ini kepadamu karena aku percaya dengan kesaksianmu

(sekarang setiap beberapa menit kapal kita ditembak oleh cahaya menyengat dari mercusuar itu dan aku muak dengan cahaya yang seakan menetapkan arah perjalanan kita.) jadi kapan kau mau bawa aku jauh dari peradaban manusia?

[palpitone]

tragedy collector

I keep forgetting to lock my door and I hate myself for keeping it open way more than hating myself for

showing my colours to others who never seem to bother to blend ( maybe they avoid a certain hue

that might contaminate their soul) or even see them spill from my mouth into this flooded and messy hole

now I merely wish to remain whole and I am not going ask anyone to  fix what is wrong with my bowl (

why it is overflowing I know) so why won’t they stop coming here and ask me to hold their sorrow?

[palpitone]

the answer you must not come to terms with

Saying goodbye to others is akin to walking through a street you once knew while hearing familiar voices from the time you spent there. You are just leaving and so as you occasionally glance to your left and right, you feel a sense of melancholy and satisfaction as you move along to another district. The memories will live on for as long as you keep them safe within.

Saying goodbye to a part of yourself is akin to murdering a family member who you grew up with under the pretense that the death will be beneficial to the remaining members. You can not leave the house and so the carcass is always there to serve as a reminder of past mistakes. No melancholy and satisfaction to be felt. The guilt will live on forever since you can not dispose of it completely.

Saying goodbye to yourself is akin to trying to solve a rhetorical question that you ask towards yourself. You know the answer but you refuse to answer it on your own. Being all-knowing, I hope God can help me say the answer out loud when I finally get my appointment. 

[palpitone]

prime slapstick comedy

and You keep telling me that I need help in the sense that I am incapable of dealing with whatever is plaguing my mind and soul on my own

and that is fine maybe I need help and maybe I need the medicine You try so much for me since You say it numbs the pain

and I do not deny that I need help but the medicine tastes like utter garbage to me, and so I say do you enjoy the taste? if not then why did  You shove it  down my throat?

and in that sense I think You need help in providing advice that You yourself  never consider as nice and true your action is appreciated but ignorant kindness is the same thing as unwarranted bigotry

and I certainly do not think it would help

[palpitone]

unicke

my predecessors told me that Red Green and Blue are capable of creating every colour imaginable so why can’t it create a colour

so blank it stops thinking so pleasant it stops worrying

so reassuringly mellow that no other colour can influence itself that it stops blending.

the answer is simple really there is not enough room  in the wholesome spectrum for such a cheat to exist 

a colour is a colour when it can coexist with others in the spectrum like any other  living being. 

[palpitone]

on being a conformist

Adoration is deeply rooted in the sense of longing to be accepted in the same hive mind in the same vein

Fascination is deeply rooted in the sense of aspiring to be as prominent as your idols in another way

Infatuation is deeply rooted in the sense of controlling your own selfish desires in your cauldron

pit them all together and what do you get if you have thought of that overused word then you are just another part of the herd for the word I am thinking is merely: threat 

[palpitone]

says no one 

I used to use a tape to fix broken pieces by sticking them back together to make a socially acceptable shape

and let no one know that I tried to uphold society’s standards nowadays I witness and truly wonder why people use a tape to fix broken pieces by closing the doors to their minds and windows to hearts

and let no one know of the existence of their broken pieces nowadays people try too hard to stay broken inside

[palpitone]

modern bullshit

they say a king’s legacy is defined from the kingdom he leaves behind but who judges his kingdom though?

when the insides of his council is all rotten with ideas of self-destruction ridden with physical and mental dentures due to the plague

and everything he loves is vain and that is why his place looks fine the inhabitants never seem to resist the prospect of continuing to exist (well as they say like father like son) none ever said how tiring it is to live in a lie and so it is safe to say that the ones who judge his(story) must be one of those people who love vanity like father; like son

[palpitone]

Down Down Down Forlorn

ashes that spill from the  tray eerily resembles a

thought that I had once embodied

Silence tramples the orchestra which you recited my love

I loved you

when recitals are in tune with the essential longing

[palpitone]

The value of mistakes

If I had a coin for each time I indulged in fantasies of self-sacrifice I would definitely be rich

I dreamed of a witch who kept a lot of mice (but each kept at a pin ‘s length so they know more

about her hands rather than  their own kin) to play with when she does not work on her potions and curses

and now what is worse is she still gives me that smirk even after I severed my pith and came back to being man

by no means am I now rich for my time has been a sacrifice for her time to indulge in for what a coin is worth

my eyes are now utterly sore not because how much I have seen but because I try to be wise and because I dealt with a snitch

I wrongly defined what a muse is my own convictions I shirk my own self I give at the expense of sinking into sand

now that I am back on land too many mistakes to forgive The men who died at Dunkirk they do not have a coin for what Is

[palpitone]

a semantic web

cracks on the pavement beguile its disdain of being stepped on by hypocrites who merely don celebrity faces (which are vile

in nature, due to public needs.) so then comes our uncle John whose job is to persuade and Con (I know it is not the best deeds

but at least he wants to make a Change.) starting with his lawn where he chastises his own Son for his, or his own Son’s sake?

I can’t imagine how tired Mr. Pavement is of being trodden by egomaniacs all day even worse is that it does not have a say because apparently that is just how it is

[palpitone]

that cocktail ain’t for us

it stirs, still in depths unknown where no moan is considered sin

some dare call it love but you and I know only ones who are low can truly get rid of

the pressure, the guilt of calling such concept something a mere adept uses as a stilt

nothing should be love for it does not materialise even in mankind’s demise just a thing to be sick of

me, you him, her we stir for who?

[palpitone]

that bar in the corner

the scent of citrus lingers heavy and so does the crude atmosphere which deeply instills a sense of fear in those who are not socially adept

but fear not, your secrets are kept away from the ears that only hear whispers from those who spill beer whose eyes are drenched in envy

this here is the place to find solace or to embrace your saving grace

so why hesitate? and procrastinate? all you do is berate everything you hate

at least here you won’t get judged for being Human

[palpitone]

Renungan lepas

Bangun. Kembali ke asalmu, kau bilang dengan         penuh kekhawatiran. Jalan itu tidak pantas         buatmu. Dunia kita sekarang sudah beda.

Aku masih bernafas. Kau?

[palpitone]

Hipotesa

I.

Hari ini aku muntah. Sayangnya tidak keluar apa-apa. Hanya bercak merah dan putih tanpa asam lambung dan cairan dalam golongan-golongan pencerna. Perutku sakit. Hatiku sakit.

II.

Hari ini aku konstipasi. Setidaknya keluar air mani. Itu saja, tidak ada bukti dari makanan dan minuman yang telah aku konsumsi. Hanya limpahan kemanusiaanku. Ini masih siang. Tapi aku meriang.

III.

Hari ini aku keluar. Sudah saatnya aku cari pertolongan pertama. Buku-buku penyelamat jasmani dirumah tak membantu. Siapa aku untuk menelaah penyakitku sendiri? Aku bukan Tuhan ku eja perlahan.

[palpitone]

sink into me

if you tell me I am your death I shall gladly accept the fact me and you, we’re cracked irrevocably broken; undeath

speak to me your darkest secrets and for you they’ll be mere snippets to be strewn away near the seaside where our late ghosts shall abide

and I know that words are filled with feelings that make us palpitate  and in turn act as unholy bait for old memories to be revived

if you show me I am your death I shall gladly accept the fact and to you I'll make a pact to your worries I won’t be deaf

reveal to me your grandest reveries and for you they’ll be rosy memories  to be stashed away near the bedside where our late ghosts shall reside

but actions have consequences and I’m not sure if indulging in what makes us keep clinging would let us not lose our senses

So let’s not lift our veils and cease this idle banter for when we start feeling  it becomes a simple matter

in times of Joy I can be dark blue and in times of Woe You’re a purple hue

[palpitone]

Personal Top 10 Albums of 2016

6. Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked for Death

     Emma Ruth Rundle is one of the people that I have been avidly following throughout the years. It all started when I was really into post-rock in high school. One of the bands that I loved back then is Red Sparowes, and apparently she is one of the members in that band. Skip ahead a few years and I came to know about her other band, Marriages. The dark soundscapes and her distinctively heartrending vocals made me a fan of hers instantly. 

     ‘Marked for Death’ starts off very strongly with the title track. The build-ups are highly reminiscent of Red Sparowes’ compositions albeit shorter and more punchy. However, the key aspects which makes me view this track in high regards are Emma’s vocals and lyrics. When the distortion hits, she sings in a desperate toneー “Who else is going to love someone like you who’s marked for death.” Gives me shivers every time.

     The lyrics and her vocals are definitely the most integral parts of this album. Lyrics that touch on issues of mortality and desolation, are sung with a heartrending tone. At this point you might think, is she trying to pull off a Jessica Bailiff? If not for the guitar parts, she probably has (Jessica Bailiff makes really good music too by the way.) As expected from Emma Ruth Rundle, she is not afraid to use high amounts of distortion which borders on a shoegaze-y sound. In this album, I highly suspect that she uses an acoustic emulator (or just a plain acoustic guitar with steel strings) for the guitar. On most songs, you will hear her acoustic guitar sounds slowly change into a fuzzy, bass-heavy distorted guitar tone at the climax.

     Even though the focus is mostly on the vocals and lyrics, as per my statement above, the guitar is what sets this release apart from your usual slowcore singer-songwriter release. Other than the tone, the arrangements are also very nicely done. They feel haunting, especially in ‘Furious Angel’, where the guitar plays a soft brooding melody as the strings section in the background occasionally comes in to support Emma’s vocals. 

     The album ends with the track ‘Real Big Sky’. Personally, I haven’t heard an album that ends perfectly like this in a very long while. Suddenly her guitar tone becomes more ‘raw’. She does not play it softly anymore, her playing style suddenly becomes very powerful. As throughout the album the listeners are used to her soft picking style for the acoustic sounds, the sudden contrast makes for a very good 'lost-all-hope’ effect. I absolutely love the simple, yet crushing lyrics in this trackー 

“I don’t want to be awake when it takes me But I can’t wait to see you smile on the other side I can’t wait to kiss the face of the big sky I don’t want to say goodbye to you; my child”   

     Overall, I can see that not many will like this album. There are no catchy hooks, there are only brooding buildups into climaxes which do not make you feel anything has been accomplished or answered. Just the way I like it.

Standout Tracks: Marked for Death, Real Big Sky, Protection, Furious Angel